CHAPTER 5

rofessor Wacko Kilowatt happened to be the very brightest light in Prime Minister Perry Pleaser’s think tank.

Let me explain.

A think tank is not quite the same as either a tropical fish tank or an army tank. A think tank is made up of a group of people who are paid to think hard and deep. Every president or prime minister has one. Even the prime minister of Canada.

The prime minister of Canada was the Right Honorable Perry Pleaser. On awakening each morning, Perry Pleaser, even before he brushed his teeth, would hug himself and kiss his reflection in the mirror. He wanted all the people to love him at least as much as he loved himself, which was proving very, very difficult.

Like presidents and prime ministers everywhere, Perry Pleaser seldom went anywhere without his yes people. He had three yes men and three yes women.

Yes people are highly recommended. Everybody deserves two, never mind six. It is the duty of yes people to say yes to everything you suggest, no matter how foolish. So when Perry Pleaser arrived at his office each morning and broke into his famous smile and sang out, “Don’t you think I’m absolutely, totally, one hundred percent wonderful?”

Yes, would say the yes men, and the yes women would call out yes, too.

Professor Wacko Kilowatt had not been put in charge of Perry Pleaser’s think tank because of his beautiful baby-blue eyes. He was, in fact, short and fat and ugly. He had been thrust into his high office because of a famous scientific survey he had run to establish important facts about Canada’s climate.

“I wonder,” Perry Pleaser had said one morning, “what kind of climate we can expect next year.”

Yes, said the yes men, and yes, said the yes women.

“Good. Then get me the celebrated Professor Wacko Kilowatt out of Playpen University in Montreal. Give him fifty million dollars – no, make it a hundred – and tell him not to come back until he has the hard facts.”

Yes, said the yes women, getting in first for once, and then yes, said the yes men.

Then the prime minister said, “Now watch this,” and he went on to tie his shoelaces without help from anybody.

“Wow!”

“Did you see that?”

The yes women applauded and the yes men whistled and stamped their feet.

Professor Wacko Kilowatt immediately put two hundred scientists to work. They sent satellites into outer space and shoved deep probes into the ground. They traveled from coast to coast, studying animal and plant behavior. They took cloud and soil samples. Then, after they had collected ten tons of data, they fed it into a computer large enough to fill a hockey arena. Two months later Professor Wacko Kilowatt burst into Perry Pleaser’s office. “I’ve got it,” he said.

“Shoot,” Perry Pleaser said.

“On balance, to the best of my knowledge, with all the information available to us at this point in time, taking one consideration with another, allowing for computer error, human folly, miracles, and unforeseen difficulties … it seems likely that next year it will be colder in January than July.”

“This man is a genius,” Perry Pleaser said.

Yes, said the yes men, and yes, said the yes women, too. “Professor Wacko Kilowatt, I hereby appoint you head of my think tank. You will also serve as my scientific troubleshooter.”