CHAPTER 14
flood of fascinating information began to pour into the Dragon-Slayer’s camp, which lay only four miles away. The information came from Banff, not quite in B.C., but certainly in the Rocky Mountains. A pizza parlor owner called to say a kid who looked just like CANADA’S MOST DANGEROUS DESPERADO had been in earlier for a takeout order of fifty L’ Abbondanza pizzas. The man said he wouldn’t have served him, but the kid was carrying a machine gun and had twelve hand grenades hanging from his belt. Next, the deliveryman explained how, held at gunpoint, he had delivered the pizzas to a remote part of the highway. “There was a big green boulder out there with red eyes,” he said.
“Get that cuckoo off the phone,” Wacko said. “Scientifically speaking, there is no such thing as a boulder with red eyes.”
Then a reporter got on the phone to Bailey to say the town had just been hit by a fierce wind filled with flying trees.
“So Banff’s been hit by another windstorm. Big deal.”
“Yeah,” Bailey said, “but this particular one stinks of garlic sausage, green peppers, olives, and cheese.”
“Just like L’ Abbondanza pizzas,” Perry Pleaser said, licking his lips. “Hey, let’s order up some.”
Yes, said the yes men, rubbing their stomachs, and yes, said the yes women, rubbing their stomachs, too.
“Wait,” Wacko said. “Let me think. Kid like Jacob Two-Two in pizza parlor. Green moving boulder with red eyes. Flying trees. Wind that stinks of garlic sausage. There has to be a connection there somewhere. Let me feed the information into my computer …”
Which was when the singing in the distance started.
Next thing they knew, the Dragon-Slayer’s camp was being bombarded by flying trees.
“Just what I’ve been waiting for,” Wacko said.
“Wh-wh-wh-what do you mean?” Pleaser asked, his knees knocking.
“I’ve tricked them into revealing their position.”
“When do we attack?” a general asked impatiently.
Wacko yanked a twenty-foot-long sheet out of his computer. “We have researched some of the most famous military decisions in history. We know the precise hour the siege of Troy began, the very moment Hannibal started across the Alps, and the exact second Caesar wet his feet in the Rubicon. As a result, we have been able to come up with the most favorable moment to begin any attack. The moment, gentlemen, that absolutely guarantees victory in the field.”
“And when is that?” the generals asked, enormously impressed.
“It is our considered opinion that we should attack somewhere between the first light of dawn and midnight. Why don’t we toss a coin?”
“We attack at the first light of dawn,” the generals insisted.
“C-c-c-couldn’t we wait for the second light?” Perry Pleaser asked.
Y-y-yes, said the yes men, and y-y-yes, said the yes women, too.
“As you wish, but then Canada expects every man to do his duty.”
“I-I-I have to go to the toilet right away,” Perry Pleaser said.