We rode home in silence, each of us too consumed with our own thoughts. Rachel, surprisingly, had managed to get a bottle of the wine to test while we sat on the grass trying to fight off the residual effects of the wine. As it turned out, the herbs in the air had played a part in our reaction as well.
A short time later, Kara pulled up to Devlin’s and parked behind my car and turned off the engine. She sat there for a moment, staring out at the street. “I have never been so confused in my life,” she said. “I’m trying to drum up some outrage or anger. But all I keep feeling is the deep-down longing.” She turned to me her green eyes filled with tears. “What should I be feeling?”
I shook my head. I didn’t have the answer.
“I can give you something,” Rachel said. “It should help.”
“No. I’ll be fine. Just need to take a cold shower and hold my cat.” I took her hand in mine. She squeezed it. “I’m fine. Seriously. Just need to get my bearings.”
“Well, at least we learned they weren’t practicing blood magick,” I offered.
Kara harrumphed. “Yeah. They’re just plying themselves with wine and having sex. Oh!” She snapped her finger. “And worshipping Jordin Cisco.” She turned to me. “How do you feel about that?”
“I want to say I don’t blame them. But like you, I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around how I should be feeling right now.” I ran my fingers through my hair, yanking at the ends. “I need air.” I shoved open the door and got out of the car. After a beat, they joined me. “You know, Gavina is no different than her husband,” I said after a while. “Both of them are full of shit.”
“Yeah,” Rachel started. “That definitely wasn’t a women’s empowerment group.” She shook her head. “She hurt you both, and I should have done something about it,” she said, her voice filled with regret.
“Not your fault, Rachel. I had the option to get up and leave. Hell, Monique even asked if she could pour wine down my throat. It was just…” I trailed off.
“Too enticing to leave,” Kara offered. “Like the calming spell on the grounds. You just felt at ease and…” She pushed off the car. “I should go. Maybe I’ll have some clarity in the morning. And if I feel as if they violated us, I’ll pick you both up and we will go over there and beat the ever-loving S out of Gavina and her daughters.”
“Yes!” Rachel pulled out her brass knuckles. “I get to use these.”
I yanked out my knife. “And I get to use this.”
We all shared a humorless laugh and said goodnight to Kara. When she drove away, Rachel turned to me. “Tell me. Truthfully. Are you okay?”
I smiled at her. “Yes, Rachel. Just need a few minutes to myself.” I pointed at the front door. “Go on in. I’m sure Devlin is up pacing the floor, waiting for us to report on what happened. I will be in in a minute.” I lied. I had no intention of going inside. I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to hide the confusion and turmoil storming inside of me.
Alek had started asking me about my past recently, always looking for ways to make me talk about how I felt. To distract him, I’d flirt. But he never took the bait. Finally, I’d try to make him laugh. He’d smile, but his steady, dark blue, watchful gaze would never leave my face, and I knew he was waiting for me to stop being silly and just open up. But after a while, he would laugh, then he’d take my face in his hands and whisper, “One day.”
After our song and dance, once we were laying in the bed in his room, he’d pull me close and just hold me. Tonight, I didn’t have the strength to go through that now familiar routine. My fear and pain were too close to the surface, and if he asked, I would tell him.
I wasn’t ready for that.
Rachel stood there. Studying me. Looking for the truth in my words. I kept my face blank. Even offered her a brief smile. Finally, she gave me a quick hug and went inside. I stood there for a while, studying the front door. I knew I should go inside. But I wasn’t in a good place and in no mood to face them right now. So, I climbed in my car and went to see the one person who I knew wouldn’t look beyond the surface. The person who I needed in that moment to help me understand just what the hell was going on.
Shezmu—Jordin Cisco.
The sign at Jordin Cisco’s still hadn’t been fixed. Dino’s flashed red, while the remaining letters were blacked out. I don’t know why I expected the sign would be repaired. After all, in the years I had frequented the place, it had never worked correctly, so why did I suddenly expect it to now? Maybe the knowledge of Jordin being an Old One had something to do with it. Or the fact that I’d just left a cult gathering dedicated to worshipping him. It was as if I had this secret knowledge that should somehow cast the establishment in a new light.
But what did that have to do with his sign? I stared up at it, trying to find the ominous undertones. I came up with nothing.
“Fuck it,” I said and made my way to the building.
Smoke billowed out when I pulled open the door. The familiar scents of cooked meat and cigarette smoke rushed at me, and I sighed. I stood in the doorway, letting the nostalgia wash over me. So many of mine and Kara’s Friday nights were spent here being our silly selves. And damn I missed the juicy burgers, pile of crispy fries, and Samuel Adams.
The song on the jukebox skipped, but no one rushed to change it. I wondered how long it had been doing that.
I took in the harem of women that sat camped out at the bar. Had he driven them to madness? I thought about my obsession with him in the past. Had he driven me to the same frenzied state?
My gaze landed on Jordin. He stood behind the bar with his hair tied and tapered at the back of his neck. A neck I used to bite when we had sex. His white sleeveless shirt stood out against his bronze skin. I could still smell the scent of his skin and the feel of him inside of me.
He looked up as if sensing someone was watching him. A slow smile spread across his face. My stomach twisted in knots, thinking of all the ways he used to make love to me.
The dangers of sinking into the familiar and wanting to latch on to my old life reared its head when Jordin smiled. I could easily forget that he was an Old One—a powerful being who’d made a pact to kill or protect me. I could easily allow him to lead me to his apartment around back and forget that my life was now filled with magick and blood.
I shouldn’t have come here.
So many things about my past I wasn’t ready to face. But I had to. And confronting Jordin was the easiest right now. Besides, he wouldn’t ask questions. He didn’t care about me enough to be concerned about my wellbeing. If he had been, he would have called.
I swallowed the fear and worry and returned his smile.
He came around the bar, his stride pushing a memory of us in bed together to the forefront of my mind. I tried to shove the image down, but it stayed there, playing in real color. My skin flushed and need filled me to the point of discomfort.
Again, I shouldn’t have come here.
He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. “Where have you been?” A groan escaped me as he nuzzled my neck.
My hand came up slowly, fighting through the weight of emotions and confusion consuming me. “Don’t,” I barely whispered. The music seemed to grow louder; that constant skipping was like daggers against my ears. I closed my eyes to the onslaught of too much sensory overload. “Just don’t. I know you’re an Old One. I know you were sworn to either protect or kill me.” I pushed him back, finally gaining the strength I needed. “So, which are you going to do?”
He stared down at me. His eyes roamed over me as if he were searching for something. A light gold sheen pulsed around him. I’d seen it before—the last time we were in bed together. I should have guessed at it then, connected the dots flashing in front of me, but I’d been too focused on forgetting what was going on in my life to really understand. If I’m honest, I’d always seen this gold sheen around him, especially when we were having sex.
“Let’s talk outside.” He took my elbow and ushered me out the back door.
When we stepped out into the warm night, it reminded me of us being in this very spot not so long ago. With me against the wall, and him between my legs, while rain pelted down on us. I pulled away from him. “I’m not going upstairs with you.”
He stepped to me, backing me against the wall. “Why?”
Was he serious? I just told him I knew he was an Old One and he wanted to fuck me? “Answer my question, dammit! Are you going to kill me?” Did I really just yell that as if I wanted him to slaughter me on the spot?
He leaned in close, his breath mixing with mine. “I think I’ve shown you what I want from you.” He ran his finger down between my breasts. Need flowed through me like a tidal wave. “Do you want me to show you again?”
“No,” I whispered. Thoughts of Alek holding me filled my head. His laughter at my silliness echoed inside of me. Guilt wormed its way through my heart. He’d asked me once if I trusted him. I told him yes. Now, here I stood, barely able to keep myself from letting Jordin take me. Alek and I had a bond that went beyond the physical. Of course, I would never admit that to him. I craved him in a way that scared the living hell out of me. I had from the start. From the moment I saw him leaning up against the table in Devlin’s house watching me out of those dark blue eyes.
A puzzled look crossed Jordin’s face. He wasn’t used to women saying no. He moved in, his scent filled me, and a small tremor ran through my body. “Why?” he asked, his lips near my ear. “We are good together. You know that.”
His breath was warm on my skin. I tried to step away but couldn’t.
He ran his tongue over the ridge of my ear. “Tell me you want me, Nicole.”
I didn’t respond.
“Tell me!” he demanded.
“I want you,” I breathed out.
My mind went blank as Jordin attacked my mouth. My arms came around him and I pulled him in even closer. His hand went to the hem of my dress, yanking it up between us. He wrapped my leg around him as he fumbled with his zipper.
When I heard the metal slide down, an image of Alek popped in my head. He was sitting next to my bed when I’d woken up from my coma a week after Set had attacked and almost killed me. He had looked worn, bruises marring his skin. The concern in his eyes when he looked at me was the moment I realized I needed to pull away from him. The moment I knew, given the chance, I’d fall in love with him.
Jordin’s finger slid under the hem of my panties, pushing them to the side. “Stop,” I said, guilt gnawing at me. “Just stop.” His erection pushed at my core. Just one thrust, and he would be inside of me. I shoved him away. “I said stop!”
“Nicole.” He stepped forward. I raised a hand to stop him. “I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this,” he said, confusion etched across his face.
This was the second time tonight I’d been in this situation. I bit back the tears and asked, “Do you know there is a cult on Tulare that worships you?”
He smiled, and I wanted to scream. “There are cults all over the world that worship me.”
“Including The Daughters of the Vine.”
He harrumphed and looked away. “They don’t want to worship me. They want my power.”
“Can they take it?” I asked, curious. Nothing in what I’d learned about the Old Ones suggested someone could take their power. And the only power Gavina had been interested in was mine.
He turned back to me. “No. And I should have taken care of them a while ago. But…” He shook his head. The anger rolling off him made me take a step back. His eyes had gone completely black. All this time, I believed Jordin was just a man who loved sex. Now, after learning his true identity, it dawned on me just how close I’d come to death.
“You mean kill them?” I asked finally.
He stared at me. His eyes grew heated and sadly, yes, my body responded again. “Come inside with me.” He stepped closer, leaning in. “You, I will give some of my power to freely.”
“Have you done that before?” I asked, my voice small.
He ran a finger down the side of my face. “Every time I slid inside of you; I gave you a piece of me. Some of my essence. Yes, my brothers and sister marked you. Mine was different.”
A group of men cheered, pulling our attention to them. One of them fumbled with his pants as if to take a piss, and Jordin made a noise I didn’t think was humanly possible. It sounded like thunder being shoved through a funnel made of wind. The men looked up, their faces filled with terror, before running away. I would have run too, but I needed answers.
“Despite not wanting to fight in their wars, I was good at it,” Jordin said. “I knew what you were when you first walked in my bar. First time I bent you across my table, I had decided I would have to kill you. I am incapable of love. It’s weakness. And I refuse to be weak.”
He moved toward me. I pulled the knife from between my breasts and clicked open the blade. Jordin took my bladed hand and pressed the knife to his throat. “I can’t die. For a while, that was a blessing. Now, it’s a hinderance.” He pushed until the blade bit into his skin. Gold liquid slid down his throat.
“Your blood is gold,” I whispered.
“It’s not blood. The next time we had sex, I climbed on top of you, inhaling your jasmine scent and put my hands around your neck. It would have been so easy to snap your neck. But my sister, Hathor had laid a protection on you. I had missed it before.” He paused, his eyes going distant. “It pulsed so brightly. I became curious. Why would she protect you when we were sworn to kill you? So, I woke you up, and made love to you again and again. Until you lay limp in my arms.” He pushed in further, his lips ran along my neck. “I can smell the need on you. Come upstairs. Let me fill you. Let me satisfy that need.”
“You just told me you were going to kill me. Why would I come upstairs with you?” There was no conviction in my voice. Just longing. It would have been so easy to follow him. So easy to strip down right now and let him satisfy the need making me weak. I remembered that time he woke me up and we made love. So many times, I could barely walk. Another brush with death, only this time I wasn’t high on drugs.
He placed his hand on my stomach. “I buried my mark deep inside of you.”
“You tried to get me pregnant!” I yelled.
He shook his head. “I can’t bear to watch any more children grow old and die. No. The mark I gave you is power. One day, you might learn to tap into it. He kissed me lightly on the lips. “When you thirst for more, come back.” He kissed me again, this time, his lips lingering. “And I will mark you again,” he said against my lips.
Before I could respond, or gain some balance, he walked away.
If someone had taken my life and reduced it down to bullet points, the list would consist of: sex, sabotage, alcohol, and denial. I lived with those things on repeat for most of my adult life. I’d convinced myself it didn’t matter how many partners I’d been with and that I shouldn’t worry about what others thought. I was having fun. Escaping into an activity that required no emotional input on my part. I had, as I’ve recently learned, been wrong.
There was an emotional impact. But I’d buried it along with the other shit I didn’t want to deal with and instead used sex as a tool. It gave me, in those vigorous moments, a reprieve from the repeating admonishments going on inside my head, telling me I wasn’t worthy of love. I never knew where that thought came from until the block on my memories was gone. The floodgates were open. And the knowledge of being violated when I was a child became a permanent fixture in my thoughts.
Tonight, I had struggled to understand why I couldn’t feel rage at what happened at Gavina’s. But now I knew, it was all part of my pattern. They had violated me. And I would have to acknowledge and deal with that soon.
But for now, staying true to my list, after leaving Jordin’s and almost sabotaging the few steps I’d taken in the right direction with Alek, not to mention the possibility of destroying a relationship still in the making, I stopped at the liquor store around the corner from my house and bought a bottle of Captain Morgan. Then I went back to my apartment, hoping I could drown my sorrow in enough liquor to avoid dealing with the next item.
Denial.
The thunk of the empty bottle hitting the floor pulled me from the depths of my self-reflection. I stared at it as it rolled across the floor, and when it hit the wall leading to the hallway, I winced as if I’d been struck.
I laid my head back against the couch cushion. Riding the euphoria of my high, as tears rolled down the side of my face, I let the sweet oblivion take me. The first glass had gone down smooth, waking my body as it welcomed my familiar friend. After the fifth glass, I could no longer taste the brandy and its many intricate flavors. But still I drank, never letting my glass get completely empty. And with each swallow, I pushed the pain down that much further.
An alcohol-laced sigh escaped my mouth and scented the air.
My pity party was getting boring. Even the usual guests—self-doubt, angst, and self-destruction—were staring at an empty salsa bowl, waiting for the party to end. The pattern I’d established—always turning away from the difficulties and trauma in my life to bury myself under mounds of judgment, and when that didn’t work, just burying it—was getting old.
Well, at least I’d moved past denial.
I pushed up from the couch and stood, swaying a little as I surveyed my apartment. Why in the hell was I fighting so hard to keep this cursed place? And I do mean cursed. The previous tenant? In jail. The tenants before him, stretching back to when this place belonged to a cult? One I just learned Gavina was part of. Killed. Was this really the best I could do? Sure, it had pretty paint on the walls and some decent furniture thanks to my recent purchases, but that was it. It wasn’t a home. What it was, however, was a reflection of my poor choices and refusal to acknowledge them.
I couldn’t accept the fact I didn’t belong here anymore. Not in this apartment. Hell, not even in this neighborhood, filled with adult activities geared toward, not just fun, but escape.
“That might make better sense when I’m sober,” I said.
I walked over to the bottle resting against the wall and picked it up. “This is the last time I drink like this.” Yes, I was tempted to throw the bottle at the wall to emphasize my slurred declaration, but I had sense enough at least to see the stupidity in the action. Also, knowing me, I’d end up with a shard of glass embedded in my heel.
After depositing the bottle in the trash, I picked up my cell phone and saw the five texts from Alek. I didn’t read them. There was no way in hell I could give a coherent response in my current situation. I could, however, tell him in person. Because right now, more than anything, I wanted to feel Alek’s arms around me and his light touch on my thigh. I still wasn’t going to go there with him, but I did want, need, his comforting embrace for a while. Maybe he could also make the room stop spinning.
I searched online for the number to the local cab company. The numbers blurred as I tried to press them. I had to go back online a few times to recheck the number. On my third try, I realized I could just click on the little phone icon and have the website connect me.
A woman’s bored voice boomed in my ear. Before I could respond to her request, the smell of sand funneled its way into my nose and open mouth. I coughed, my eyes going out of focus as I fought past the acrid scent.
Only for it to be replaced by the smell of blood.
My skin itched. A clicking sound started echoing in my head. I dropped the phone. The woman’s voice filled my living room.
The mark on my wrist that Set gave me heated, followed by the one Ezra gave me on my lips.
Dark brown eyes shimmered into existence in front of me.
The woman from the cab company cursed and hung up.
Set knocked me to the floor.
Pain.
Then darkness.