Ellie
Rolling over, I bury myself a little more under the covers and take a few calming breaths in hopes the pain throbbing around my skull would listen as I will it to go away. Lifting a hand, I press my palm against my face. It’s slightly swollen and warm, but I’m in one piece, and thankfully someone stopped the man from taking a part of me I don’t think I’d be able to come back from like I did before.
Blinking against the sunlight, I open my eyes and glance at the clock to check how long I’ve been out and wonder how the hell I got out of my clothes, into my sleep shirt and my bed. With an abundance of gratitude, I let out a contented sigh to whoever the man was that showed up and saved me.
If only someone like him would have been around to save me before.
The sky is a pale blue, wisps of white clouds unmoving and notched with the promise of life in a world of darkness, a sense of warmth as I shift my gaze to the terrace window. They do nothing to calm the cold, brutal lashing of my heart, especially when I take another deep breath and smell him.
Every muscle in my body seizes up, and it’s not from struggling to get rid of my headache. It’s because Logan is in bed with me. I can feel the heat radiating off of his arms as they curl around my stomach. I can feel his eyes on the back of my head, his restraint not to grind the thick bulge between his legs that’s pressed against my ass.
He sets me on fire, giving me an instant fever that shoots to a risky level. I hate the way my body is reacting when inside I should be angry; it’s a thrill that ticks me off and makes me consider calling my old therapist to have my head examined.
My mind is screaming asking why this happening to me. While my heart is enjoying the safety of his arms. It’s fleeing away from me when everything else is commanding me to run. My nerves are drawn tight; I’m edgy and angry that I like Logan when a part of me screams I shouldn’t. I’m frightened I’ll have that cry. I hold my breath until I feel dizzy, then let it out and grab onto the strength I have, all the while wondering how much more can I take before I break?
I can picture Logan now. Apprehension is filling his mind as he tries to capture my thoughts. I wish he could because then I could lie here in the safety of his arms and forget that someone wanted to hurt me.
A rile of aggravation swells inside of me as his breathing hitches, and silence lingers. I want to tell him to start talking or get the hell away from me, but the part of me drawn so profoundly to him finds comfort in him being here.
“What happened to you is my fault. I’m sorry. It seems those two words keep coming out when it comes to you. My brother Seth was keeping an eye on you while I was out of town. It has nothing to do with Shadow, it has to do with me. Seth overheard the threat, knocked out the guy who attacked you and found Norah’s number in your bag. He called her, then called me. She checked you over and put you to bed. You have a slight bruise on the side of your face and a small cut below your eye. I promise you I’ll find whoever is responsible and it won’t happen again. No man’s hands but mine will ever touch you again, Ellie.”
I hear the fear in his voice, not at all like the controlling man he is.
A smile tugs on my lips. Equally fragile as it is thankful. For the reason that there’s sorrow in the way Logan says his brother’s name. A story is there. One of heartache and sadness. I can sense Logan carries the heaviness of it on his shoulders as clear as the sky is blue.
“Tell him thank you.”
I wait in silence. I might be grateful, but he’s the one who owes me words.
“I need you to hear me; feel me for just a minute, Ellie.”
His words nearly become my breaking point because there, in his plea, is a man on the edge of his.
Logan nips the nape of my neck, his hot breath fogging my level of logic. I moan just as he scrapes his teeth across the sensitive flesh. “I’m sorry. A thousand apologies will never be enough.”
Tears slide down my temples; I swipe them away. I should bolt out of this bed and make him leave. I’m sure he either hurt or killed the man who attacked me. I’m sure Logan is far more dangerous than I thought and yet here I stay, pushing my ass into his erection and emitting a growl from his mouth and several swipes of his tongue across my neck.
I don’t think this is what Renita meant by giving in to my body’s needs, but God does it ever feel good.
“Are you alright?”
I nod, a lump stuck in my throat.
“You’re mine, Ellie. Don’t try pushing me away, don’t try escaping, I won’t allow it. You want me as bad as I do you. You smell so good, so edible that all I can think of is how good you’re going to taste. How that mouth of yours that wants to tell me to go is going to sound when I sink my teeth into your smooth flesh.”
Goosebumps race along my skin as I slowly shift to face him. None of what happened to me seems real anymore. At least not with him here. I might not know this man, but the one thing I’m positive about is Logan is a man who protects.
And at this moment as I stare into his tired eyes, I know he’s right. I want to be his, this man who keeps showing up — the only one who has ever consumed my mind.
Regardless of any of that, he’s going to respect me at the moment, or he’ll be high tailing his ass right out of here.
He sucks in air, and I whimper when my hands touch his bare chest. My fingers are trembling as I run my palms up and down his smooth skin.
Colorful tattoos I didn’t have the opportunity to study the night we met cover parts of his chest and arms.
“You’re shaking. Are you frightened of me?”
I should pull away, but I find myself moving closer to him, unable to break the lock of our stares. Logan has the most beautiful shade of eyes I’ve seen. A forest I wouldn’t mind being lost in.
“I’m not afraid of you; I’m afraid of what you’ll do to my heart. I’m afraid of Shadow finding me. I’m afraid you want me to kneel at your feet, Logan. I’m afraid you want control of me, and I don’t want someone to control me. I want an equal. I’ve always told myself a man wouldn’t own me unless I want to be, but somehow you make me want to be. We’re alone now; there’s no excuse for you not to tell me everything.”
A heaviness settles over him. Watchful eyes emotionless, mouth set firm, jaw stiff as if he were choking down what he wants to say.
Maybe I should be scared.
“I want to know who sent someone to attack me; I won’t give in to anyone trying to scare me. I’ve lived in fear most of my life; I won’t live there again. I want to know why you want me so badly. I won’t fall for you and have you talk me into sleeping with others. I won’t share you either. I suggest you start talking or you can go. Someone sent me a warning, and you owe me the truth as to why.” I decide to throw all my concerns at him at once to study his expression and gather it all in my mind.
His chest heaves and his features crack wide open to expose the man hidden underneath — a man who isn’t used to someone telling him what to do. I see a vulnerable side to Logan too, and it’s me. The weighty sounds of his breathing and the sight of his pulse fluttering desperately in his throat remind me to breathe.
I battle to steady my breathing while I try to ignore the magnetism of the man before me, his struggle to remain under control, the slight twitch at the corners of his mouth, and his expression is a picture of uncertainty.
It should be. This crazy chemistry is not enough to keep me bound to him.
A sudden blaze of regret flashes in his eyes as he leans in until our lips are almost touching. If I weren’t breathing hard and fast, I’d swear he’d steal the breath from my lungs.
What on God’s green earth is wrong with me? Because the only thing I want at this moment is to climb inside of him and cling to safety.
“Shadow doesn’t belong in this bed with you and me. Understand this; he will never be talked of when I have you in bed again. First, you need to be set straight when it comes to my intentions with you. Never fear me.”
His fingers trail through my hair, and he watches his movement as if he can’t believe I’d even speak to him after this.
Quite honestly, I can’t either.
“Listen close because I won’t repeat myself when it comes to this subject again. What I’ve done isn’t as wrong as it is illegal, it’s a lifestyle I’ve enjoyed. It’s exhilarating, and there’s so much more to what happens inside Behind Closed Doors than what most people know, but only if a person wants it. I won’t ask for forgiveness when the things I’ve done were before I met you. I will ask you to forgive me for bringing you into a complicated lifestyle; you should have known before I brought you to my bed. That I won’t apologize for anymore.”
I say nothing as I watch the rise and fall of his chest. I want this man, need him even though I’m afraid he’ll hurt me.
I’m crumbling.
I feel another wall rattle and shake. More pieces are falling and crashing to the ground.
“There are plenty of women who come in to play. Unicorns are what the lifestyle calls them. They swing both ways. Plenty of them lie about not having a significant other and…”
An uproar of bile spools in my gut while Logan takes a deep breath.
“I’ve made unintentional enemies out of boyfriends and husbands. There’s also the women who want me for themselves. I’d like to believe I’m untouchable. I guess the truth is, I’m not. Our club should be fun and adventurous, an exploration into sex. No one should ever be hurt.”
I drop my eyes, as if not looking at him will shield me from his words. I stare at the massive chest my palms rest on; it’s warm; it feels comforting. So many women have touched this body before me. I don’t like it. I also don’t like how Logan is a man who doesn’t care about vows that I hope someday become the world to me. It unnerves me. I hate it.
Hate I’m even considering taking a chance on a man who cheats.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking since the night I spent with you. A lot of wondering over the years about you. Knowing where you were and wondering why I had this need to protect you. I wasn’t man enough to come forward. I own up to it now. You are brave and beautiful and God, I don’t understand any of this. I have demons and ghosts and blood on my hands. You are pure and wholesome and caring. I would never cheat on you, Ellie. I know you don’t believe me. I understand why you wouldn’t. I haven’t been with anyone since you, and if you’d let me in, I’d prove I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to share you; I want you to myself. You make me want to change. Make me want more; I want to get to know you so bad. I can’t even explain it.”
We get hooked in each other’s eyes—trapped in want and need. A net waiting to be dragged in and discover what’s caught, and it’s taking everything in me not to lean up until our lips join. The moment smolders with a chance. Simmers with something that’s beyond my control.
It’s maddening to me.
“I don’t want to understand that kind of life. I don’t want to know the rules. I want nothing to do with it. I would never judge or hate or put anyone down for living how they chose, but vows and commitment, they mean faithful to me. I won’t be cheated on, in any way, Logan, and I won’t turn my back on whatever is happening between us because some jealous bitch threatens me. I will walk if you ever lie to me and no amount of heavy dominating persuasion from you will change my mind.”
I don’t want to question whether he’s honest or not. If I do, we won’t move forward.
God, my mind is so at odds.
Conflict and confusion and scared out of my ever-loving mind.
Everything he said hits me square in the chest.
“I don’t deserve a chance.”
Maybe not. I’m giving him one anyway. He better not waste it.
I raise my chin and straighten myself out. “Everyone has a past, Logan. You weren’t the only one there the night we met. I was as willing as you. Just, please don’t make me regret this. Don’t make me a fool because I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. You do, and that will be the day you will underestimate me.” I sound territorial. I don’t care. I might succumb to other things when it comes to this man. Cheating or using me will not be one of them.
Logan continues to study me, taking his thumb, drawing it lightly under my eye, down my cheek, and across my bottom lip.
His Adam’s apple bobs. I want to lick right up his chest and attach my lips to that ball in his throat. My eyes outline the length of his neck, noticing his pulse hammering away, the veined cords straining as I lie here hoping what he said is the truth.
God Almighty. Someone pinch me and tell me I’m utterly crazy for believing him.
“I’d be the fool if I did.”
My pulse pounds in my ears, my mind starts a war with itself — every piece of me is battling against the part of me wanting to believe.
My heart.
“Not one of the women I’ve been with has held my interest the way you do. The only place I would ever ask for the control is in private. Do I want you to kneel? Yes, I do, but only for me. I want to push you until you beg. I’ll fuck you until you come so hard you’ll hurt, but I’d never ask you to do something you don’t want to do. And, I’d never try to change you. I like you the way you are. I don’t want you worrying about me being clean either. I am. It’s a requirement every member has to prove.”
Those words alone have my body in an overwhelming bundle of need.
“I want proof.”
Logan’s lips twitch, breaking into a devilish smile. “You’ll have it.”
I feel his command rolling over me. He’s potent, and I refuse to let him see how much that terrifies and excites—me.
“This connection between us, Ellie, it’s unexplainable. It’s magnetic. It’s - fuck, I don’t know what it is, but I refuse to let you go. The way your body responded to me the night we met. The way it’s responding to me now, and how it feels when I’m inside you. I want that again and more. You blew my fucking mind, Ellie Wynn.”
Logan grabs my hand, bringing it to his lips and kisses across my knuckles in the same gentle way he did before. The man has a habit of that, and I like it so, so much. “I’ll never hurt you, never lay a hand on you without your permission. I promise you that, Ellie. I’ll never push you further than your mind or body can handle. I will push you to the edge; I’ll leave you dangling until your begging to fall over. I will give you more pleasure than you’ve ever dreamed possible. You need to trust me, Ellie.” The confidence in his voice. The deep tenor of it is seduction on its own.
I gulp down a tug of anxiety when I notice his raw and scraped knuckles, pleading with my mind to allow me to grasp onto the promise Logan will never hurt me.
Promises are empty; they are broken every day. Trust is something I don’t know if I can give completely when my rational thoughts are all over the place. I’m so far out of my league with this man, it’s terrifying.
“I don’t want to be wanted, Logan. I want to be needed. I want to trust you. I do. You have to earn it the same way as I have to earn yours. You need to know that I’ve had one sexual encounter in my life; we both know how that ended for me.”
A thunderbolt rolls through his chest, and I feel the shockwave of my words ripping free from his lungs.
Emotions coil through his expression, anger and tenderness and shock.
Logan lays entirely still, all except those piercing eyes that are hissing with desire across my face.
“Jesus, Ellie. I’m not sure I can respond in a way that you deserve. You let me be the first man to touch you goes to show a part of you trusted me from the get-go. Know this; I’m going to hunt after every bit of your trust, chase it down, and wear it out.”
The unraveling thread that had drawn me to him when we’d met unspools a little more.
I still won’t allow him to play me for a fool. No, I’ll let him strip me bare and give me what I need, but I’ll keep my guard up, shielding my heart.
“I don’t want to own you, Ellie. I need to light you on fire the same way you do me. You don’t have any idea how bad I want to kiss you right now, how much I ached to touch and feel and to erase every man before me out of your beautiful mind the night we met. Of course, that was before I knew no other man brought out your passion.”
He slides his nose down mine, inhaling deep.
I swallow, my body aching for his touch.
I remember because I felt it. The energy that flung itself wildly through the air.
It’s flinging now.
Chaotic.
Suddenly my bedroom shrinks. His scent. His warmth. His everything consumes me and overtakes my rationality and flings it into the frenzy that is Logan and me.
“I watched you dance before I approached you, the swing of your hips, the way those longs legs bent and stretched and this ass,” His hands roam around my back, slip under my panties and squeeze.
“I had to have you. My dick had never been so hard in my life. It’s that hard again. Tell me it’s okay to spread your legs and dip my tongue inside of you? Tell me it’s okay to drive you out of your mind. To erase your fear.”
He’s hard alright. I can feel it against me.
My heart thumps rapidly at the back of my throat, so violently that it’s difficult to take a breath. I can already feel Logan’s mouth on me, the way he’d pluck my desires out of me the same way he did weeks ago. God, those magic words spilling from his lips slice me to my core.
If Logan’s eyes could get any darker, they do as they flicker back and forth between mine. The hypnotic vitality of them is rising in a force that dares me to challenge. He’s caught me in his spell — a powerful vibration of want and need and lust quiver through me.
Logan is right; this attraction is unexplainable.
Shudders fly through my chest when his big hand palms my face, these are the same sensations that caused me to become wobbly on my feet when I met him.
Regretful stormy eyes fall on me as I press myself as close to him as I can get.
Pure dread threatens to terrorize me. I draw in a breath, gut-twisting in a slow, sinking realization that Shadow will slowly bleed the life out of me if he were to find me.
“You won’t get anything from me until you tell me about Shadow.” I despise saying his name. Every time I do, I feel sick.
I study the man promising me so much, and all I can do is pray this dark knight I never thought I’d see again doesn’t crush me under his boot.
A tic flows across the stern line of his jaw. “Wasn’t planning on keeping him from you, Ellie. Shadow was busted for trying to sell coke to a cop. He’s been in prison for years. He’s getting out in a little less than six months. Once he’s out, I won’t stop looking for him the same way I won’t stop until I find out who it was that sent someone to hurt you, and when I do, I will kill him and them with my bare hands. The same way I killed the man who attacked you. Shadow doesn’t know about me and you, not yet anyway.”
There’s the explanation of his battered knuckles. More importantly, it explains why Shadow never came after me.
I drop my eyes closed, and the terror builds. So extreme and painful. Because even though the words didn’t come out of Logan’s mouth, there’s no doubt in my mind Shadow will track me down.
It’s coming. That violent storm I dreaded. I have less than a year before it strikes.
It’s unfair too that Shadow was sent away for drugs and got nothing for violating me. For turning me into a shell of a woman and living in fear.
I loathe him more.
My entire body trembles as I blink away tears filled with fear. Not over Logan killing that awful man, because no one knows how Shadow is there one second and gone the next better than me.
He’s dark and dreary and disturbing.
Sinister.
Memories hurl, too near, too much pain, and there are still questions rattling in my head. I want them to stop. Logan will never erase what Shadow did to me, however, he can capture my unwelcoming fear.
“You killed that man for me? Are you after Shadow because of me or is there more?” The shift in his eyes, the muscles flexing in his jaw, tells me Logan has killed before without hesitation.
“I did and yes I’ve killed before. I want Shadow dead mostly because of what he did to you. When I told you I wasn’t a good man, that’s part of what I meant. I hate people who hurt the innocent and get away with it. Hate them about as much as I do the law that allows them to. Shadow got away with hurting you, Ellie. I can’t in all good conscience allow him to get out and think he can come after you again. Told you I felt guilty and there’s nothing I can do to give you back what he took. Killing him is all I got to free your mind. I won’t let him anywhere near you. Trust me to protect you, please.”
I swallow, letting the fact sink in that I not only went home with a feeling I’d seen Logan before but a man who kills. A man who probably has his connections with the mob, his associates of the law who would destroy the evidence against him if he were caught. Nevertheless, because of my past and how I want nothing more than Shadow to die, I don’t care if he kills people who hurt others. Wrong or not, I don’t, not after what I’ve gone through.
“That’s easier said than done, Logan.”
I take into consideration I would have never known about Shadow if I wouldn’t have met Logan. I would have walked around with the hope I’ve clung to as if it were my lifeline to exist that Shadow forgot about me, and then he would have appeared, and God only knows what would have happened. Logan wanting to protect me doesn’t ease the worry, but I’ll take it.
“I can’t begin to imagine your fear, and I don’t expect you not to worry. What I do want is for us to enjoy ourselves. I won’t keep you in the dark when it comes to Shadow. I should have come forward, and there is no taking away my guilt. It was damn hard living in the same city and not seeking you out. There’s nothing I can do about that now. Even if you never wanted to see me again, I’ll continue to protect you until I kill that son of a bitch, and if anyone attempts to hurt you again, there will be consequences. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to put a bullet through his brain before he ever laid a hand on you.”
I draw in a deep breath, hoping when I let it out, it takes the fear with it. It doesn’t. What it does is pull in a new kind of hope. Faith in a stranger that when the time comes, that maybe, just maybe Logan will kill the man who will forever live inside of me.
Six months isn’t very long to pretend. As confusing, as fearful of what lays ahead. I have to go on. If I don’t, I’ll turn into the woman I was after. And she is one I never want to live with again.
Images of the months that followed swarm my thoughts. I swallow them down; I won’t let them get to me, won’t let them burn my brain with Shadow’s pungent smell.
“I never knew you lived here.” Sadness envelops me. If things were to work out between Logan and me, there’s more life wasted that Shadow stole.
“Born and raised.” A smile spreads to take up his entire face. It’s quite possibly the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
I hate to break it, but there’s something more I need to know before I beg Logan to kiss me.
“I trust you’ll keep me safe, Logan. I do. Whitney? Where is she?”
His smile vanishes, replaced by a deep frown.
“I don’t know where she is. I’ll come up with a solution for her.”
I lay there fighting a smile of my own as Logan tells me Whitney doesn’t have a dime to her name and how Shadow lost everything.
“It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if Whitney hasn’t gotten her claws into some rich man. The woman is just like her mother. I’ll keep you and those you love safe, Ellie. You won’t know my men are around. You need to be smart, and so does your family. No more wandering around by yourself.”
Menace and hate and assurance roll off Logan’s words and I’ve never felt safer. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had anyone who cared enough to want to protect me. I don’t know what it is, the same as I don’t understand why I need Logan to erase Shadow from my mind.
“I’m not a fragile, weak woman, at the moment, I feel powerless and shaken. I’m okay, Logan. Fair warning though, if you hurt me, I won’t give you a second chance.”
He doesn’t respond before his hands let go of my ass and come up to frame my face again while he nudges my legs apart, gently guides me onto my back and takes my mouth.
Possessively—and my body responds to it, leaping farther ahead of my tumbling heart.
Desire swims through my blood.
His tongue brushes slowly across my lips, and my mouth spreads wide sucking his tongue until he takes over the kiss, tangling and twisting and gaining control with a pull that sends heat between my now spread legs.
My body is on fire. Sparking and ready to burst into flames.
I struggle with a rush of light-headedness that swirls through my entire body.
The fire inside of me rises, and I can only pray I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life by giving in to Logan Mitchell. Because if he hurts me in any way, I’ll be nothing but a pile of ash.