The best time to cry is in the shower. No one will know that your bloodshot eyes are from pain, instead they will assume it’s from the hot water. Trust me, I’ve been hurting in silence all my life and I have mastered silent agony since as long as I could remember. Crying in a room full of people silently and wiping away tears before anyone notices was my specialty.
It's painful, dark and dirty but it's the only way I can survive with this pain. In the shower I cried for everything that was going wrong and that was basically every part of my life.
But my bad luck didn't just happen, it started with my greatest loss. Losing my mother. Losing someone that close is like misplacing a piece of yourself that you don’t know how to get back. And crying into this scalding shower was like a therapy session.
It felt like an eternity of tears mixed with soap suds. I thought about my Mama, how I could tell her anything. How she was my best friend and when she left all of that was gone. Now that I needed guidance and somebody to talk to she wasn’t here and each year I needed her more and more. Hence more sessions of me crying alone or in the shower to let out the pain. There was no one for me to fight, there was no police that could arrest cancer. She was gone and I was left with no justice and no way to bring her back. And now at times when I’m my most confused I had nothing to rely on but the words she gave me.
“You’ll be lucky to have one true friend in your whole life.” She said, and it was true. Because now all I have is me, no one to talk to and I felt her words like she was right here with me. Even though she has been gone for the quickest ten years in history. It seemed like yesterday I was in the hospital sitting at her bedside and now I was in the shower crying after losing her ten years ago. Life is crazy like that, even long periods of time are short.
I washed, rinsed and cried until the cold water had started to spit out shards of ice.
“I’m just working late boo...I’ll be home soon.” I could now hear his lies through the bathroom door and over the sound of my shower. “Sweetheart, I told you that I’m not cheating. I’m just working.” Lies on top of lies. You see, that’s why I’m alone, because the man in the other room doesn’t belong to me.
“Fine...fuck it. I’ll leave work and come home now. Will that make you happy?” I was already wet, my hair damp, and my feelings exposed, of course the universe would make it fit that I had no one to keep to myself tonight.
“Yeah...Fine...bye.” I heard him say. Seconds later the door opened sending most of the steam out from my hot crying session.
“Hey boo I gotta go.” I wrapped the towel tight around me as he waved the steam away. As things cleared I saw why I fell in love with him. The uniform, deep navy blue, creased to perfection, had turned me on that first day and was still getting me wet almost a year later.
“Damn why you gotta have it hot as a sauna in here?” He asked. His thick beard getting small pellets of water beading up on his face. “You're gonna have my uniform looking all damp and shit.” He hated for his uniform to be messed up, but I hated to be lied to.
“I thought we were chilling tonight.”
“I know but I’m gonna go in and get some overtime.” I had to laugh at that. He must have thought I was stupid.
“Look just go. If your wife is calling just go ahead.”
“Ain’t nobody lying to you. I really need to go fill in and do this overtime.” I had heard this all before. He tried to pull me close but I pushed him away. Officer Nicholas Kelly wasn’t going to be able to coax me out of my mood tonight, I had heard too much and I was tired of playing this game.
“Fine then, shit. I’ll just go,” he said walking towards the door. “Where are my keys?” He never looked for anything. He just came here and dumped everything on me from his keys to his clothes, problems, dick, and ill feelings. I took in every piece of him and gave him back to her organized, dedicated, and happy, while I was left with nothing but promises and cash to keep me quiet.
“On top of the bills that I told you that need to be paid.” I’m a fool but I’m not a damn fool. I might love the shit out of his man from the top of his head to the bottom of his dick, but I was damn sure not going to do all this loving for free.
“Man...all you got is bills, bills, bills...what the fuck you be doing with your money?”
“What the fuck you be doing with your time? Huh Nick?” There was nothing he could say to that. It would only bring up the fact that he wasn’t getting a divorce. That he was lying to me, it's what everyone who knew the truth about us was telling me. But of course I refused to believe it all this time, but the truth was setting in. I would forever be a side chick.
“Look, you know what I’m doing with my time. I’m working. I just gotta go take care of some business with the house. It doesn't have shit to do with her.” He told me.
“Well then, you should be cool to take care of these bills for me like you said you would.” I pressed the bills with the keys into his chest. It was a reason for me to make sure he had his bullet proof vest on. Just feeling the steel of the equipment that separated my love from death made me feel a little saner.
“Yeah whateva.” He said heading to the door without giving me a kiss. “I’m gone…” before he could leave someone knocked on the door. I sprang up like a cat, grabbing and pulling at him.
“Get back.” Pulling him towards the back door I shushed him as the knocks continued.
“What the fuck?” He said reaching for his gun, but I tried to shush him.
“I’m just...avoiding someone.” I knew my words made no sense but I couldn’t let him see who was knocking. That was my personal issue, not something to worry Nick about. “Just go out the back...okay...just go.” I pushed him towards the kitchen and to the back door as the knocks kept coming.
“Don’t be in here fucking up this place. You know it's in my name.” How could I forget when he threw that in my face every day? “I can’t have anything getting fucked up.” I wanted to curse him out as he said it but instead I stepped out into the back hallway closing the back door behind me. It wasn’t as fancy as the front, nothing but doors and trash bags hanging out at people’s doors waiting to be thrown into the dumpster.
“Is that all you care about?” I asked the man that I loved as he crept down the stairs, I had to give him a piece of my mind but he was too busy giving me his.
“And you better not have no niggas over here…” It was a threat like he was going to do something if I did.
“So you can have a wife but I have to be faithful?” He was putting the shackles on me and hadn’t given me a ring and that was unacceptable.
“Whatever, you heard what I said. I’ll call you later.” I don’t know what happened at this moment, a powerful voice came up in me like I had before the transition. My old voice, the one that wasn’t soft and dainty but hard and baritone came out of my mouth like a demon from the depths of hell.
“DON’T FUCKING THREATEN ME!” I know I looked crazy, a dainty woman with the voice of a man but when you backed me into a corner some shit always comes out.
He rushed up the stairs back towards me like he wanted to fight. I put up my hands up ready to meet whatever challenge he had for me.
But he came in love, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m not threatening you…I’m just...Look baby we're both just stressed and tripping.” I saw my nosy ass neighbor behind Nick’s back peeking out her door but she quickly shut it as Nick pulled me in tighter.
“I’m not trying to be your enemy or nothing. Shit, I would never threaten you.” He was the perfect gentleman, if only he wasn't married our life would be complete.
“I’m just saying. I’m grown. I know you're older but I know better.” My voice was back, the light and sensual voice of Fendi had returned.
“Baby I’m just tripping. Nervous...just this shit at work. You know this case I’m working on and the undercover.”
“Undercover?” Nick hadn’t told me about going undercover.
“See I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you would worry and...” I squeezed him like a python. I couldn’t imagine life without Nick, especially since he paid my rent and everything else I asked for. How would I survive without his money?
“Just be careful. Okay.”
“No doubt. I gotta go okay.” He gave me a kiss. “I’ll call you later so we can talk.” With a wink of his eye I watched him as he walked away, leaving down the steps, and from the small window I watched as he made it outside and disappeared around the corner of the apartment building. Ducking back inside the knocking was gone but creeping into the bedroom the red icon on my phone flashed alerting me of a voicemail.
“Yeah bitch...I’m gon’ kill you bitch. You fuck me then post all that shit all over social media. You fucking me...you think that’s cool? Your dick all out and shit.” Hearing his words made me laugh. It was the same every time. Men fuck with transgender women then get found out and grow balls. “After all that money I gave you. You sorry bitch, you do this? I’m gon’ kill yo ass bitch. You hear me? I know where you stay and I’m gonna fuck you up.” It was a threat amongst millions. Laughing I tossed the phone on the bed going back to the bathroom to finish up but not before I took a quick glimpse at the front door.
It was safe, locked with the few chains and the two deadbolts that I had secured on it. Back to my regularly scheduled program because none of these niggas were going to stop my show.
“I’m Fendi bitch...Ms. Fendi to you.” I said wiping off the mirror, I stole a look at myself. I was flawless, gone was the boy with bad acne, stubble beard, and cornrows.
Now in front of me was a goddess with long flowing hair, hazel brown eyes, a smooth rounded face, with the best pair of C cups that money could buy. The only thing that stayed was my dick, it was still here swangin below my navel ring and soon it would be gone. Then I wouldn’t have to get these dumbass calls, or fuck with these lowdown men. They were such a headache but boy did they pay well.
When I get my dick taken off this shit would be over for life. But just as soon as the thoughts of the future crossed my mind, someone started knocking at my door again.
I needed to get away, this shit wasn’t going to work forever, I needed a vacation, and maybe a permanent one. Tip-toeing into my bedroom I closed the door, taking my phone with me to the floor, I laid down and called my sister.
She was the only one I could talk to right now. If no one else could save me from these bitch ass men, my baby Lark would know what to do.
I needed a vacation, to get away and clear my head. Dialing her number I prayed that she answered, I needed some help and fast.
“Mama why can’t you be here to help?” I asked the universe, but as always I got no answer.