Thinking back on this time in my life is extremely painful. I almost do not want to revisit this portion of the story as it nearly broke my spirit, nearer to death than I ever have been. Not even being held at gunpoint was nearer to death and meeting the Grand Designer than this point in my life, but through trust and expertise, we got through it then, so I am compelled that much more to get through it now.
I had begun to party all the time. Work and partying were my two places of rest. It did not matter where the party was. I was there with a drink in my hand and being sexy as hell.
Before Lyulle had gotten locked up, he had figured out a simple, easy way to get a few thousand dollars. I had had that money and was looking for the next opportunity to come up.
Dion had been a small-time drug dealer. I had the genius idea to have him flip some money for me.
I had met Dion while working at the mall. His mother was on my team at Macy’s. They were originally from New Jersey, and their accents were still full on. Every time Dion said my name, it was as if he had renamed me. Ci-ahr-ah. Yes, I wanted to love him, but I knew I could not.
I knew I could not love him mostly because he was not mine to love, but I made sure he felt as though I did. Peace in calamity, he was. I was that for him as well, and to me, he was a true hustler. We spent every day together. When I got off work, I could not wait to meet with him. I was at the bar all evening until Lyulle called me routinely, and I’d try to get him off the line any way that I could. I just did not want to deal with him all.
Dion and my chemistry was so tough. One night, I had walked into the club to find his sexy ass on the patio. He was talking to people, so I stood back to back with him. The guys were catcalling me and complimenting my shoes. The whole thing was very disrespectful, but my mind was on Dion. We’d locked hands and said hello and listened to what the fellas thought of me without much communication that we were doing so.
“Yeah, you can keep those on,” he said, referring to my red patent leather pumps with gold chrome stiletto heels. Pointy toes and high heels were my grade, and they were hot. I did leave those pumps on later that night on my living room floor with Dion and our drunk asses. That night was fun, but all nights did not reflect good emotions. I was hurting, deeply wounded.
This behavior kept up for months. I had made friends with Kelice. She was from Akron. We had mutual friends, and she loved me. I know it because she’d told me, and I was her hero. I was no one’s she-ro in reality. I was a mess, a hot, fiery one with no end to the blaze.
Most days, I worked both jobs, but there had been days that I did not. Those days, I spent with Dion as well. Being with him reminded me of who I really was and the life I was meant to live. He made me feel special, something that Lyulle never did, and many of my boyfriends before him had failed to do the same. It was the attention he’d shown me and, sadly, his ditching his girlfriend and kids as well that added to my infatuation with him. It was like I was living in hell, but here was this person who was sacrificing their life, exactly the life that I want, only to be in my world. I did not understand it completely, but I would come to.
I did not understand that I was a sidepiece—a side like in addition to the main portion and a piece like a pawn on a chess board—and I had a small amount of cash. I had the cash from the deal that Lyulle had set up before getting arrested. I was gonna be cool. He was a smart man after all, and he had always made a way for us no matter what. He sold his blood to keep the lights on. He sold his blood to keep us fed, and he took penitentiary chances every time one presented itself. I decided I wanted to take a walk in the dark aisle to bust a move or two. The biggest risk I have ever taken to this day was trying to execute a plan with no type of plan—no direction, no blueprint, and definitely no experience. The biggest risk in my life produced one of my biggest mistakes and an even bigger lesson …