Taking a dip in Gem’s bathtub was always relaxing. There was something about the way Gem took care of herself that just made you feel cleaner after taking her bathtub for a ride. It was truly relaxing. I was washing my behind when Gem came in to have a heart-to-heart with me about my lifestyle.
“Jericho, you need to move back here. You are not happy. You do not want your kids to continue to see you this way.”
She was firm, and she looked me in the eye. I knew she was right. I had one foot out the door from my relationship with Lyulle since finding out about his girlfriend, the abortion, the depression, and my friend’s death. Everything was weighing heavy on me, not to mention not knowing if one day, Lyulle would lose his cool and kill me. She was right, and I agreed with her.
“Okay, Gem. I will,” I responded to her, simple as that. I finished my bath, and we carried on.
I had not fully forgiven Gem for what she had done to me—I had not forgiven anyone in my heart—but I was contemplating what she had said, and she was right. I had to be honest with myself. I needed to move back home to provide stability for the children. I tried with Lyulle more than enough times. I resolved to leaving again, but this time, if I leave, Jericho, we are not coming back. Under no circumstances would I come back and uproot my children to bring them back into a situation like this. I promised I wouldn’t.
Lyulle and I fought hard over the phone like every other day. I stayed in Akron the whole day, leaving for the trip back down the highway at ten that night. My cousin rode to Columbus with me. I was taking him back to school. I felt more compelled to taking that drive if I knew I had a worthwhile obligation, and giving him a ride to school felt sufficient enough for me.
Fighting back tears, fighting my conscience, thinking of my finances, and looking at my life, I was losing my mind. The drive back to Columbus after that visit home was hard, harder than any other drive back. I could not see where love was waiting for me where I was to return, so I did not want to go. I dropped off my cousin at the university where he was attending and headed in the direction of Lyulle’s condo.
I arrived, and when I got there, I saw that the lights were off inside but that the television glared. I drove around the parking lot once and pulled back up in front of the condo. I stared into the window and watched the glare of the television with Brooklyn and his little brother in the back seat, asleep. I drove around the parking lot once more. I pulled back up in front of the condo a second time and asked myself, What is waiting for me when I go into this place? Is it worth another fight? Is it worth another beating? Is it even worth waking the kids up to take them into the house? None of the answers to these questions made me feel delighted to call him and have him open the garage for me to enter. I drove around the parking lot a third time.
This time, I said to myself, “Look at me. What the hell am I doing? If I wanted or needed to go into the house, I would be in there already.”
This time, I did not pull up in front of the condo. I kept going, kept driving until I had arrived back at Gem’s place in the early hours of the morning with nothing except the ruins I had become and my two children.