Like most people, I always thought happiness was a destination, an end goal, but that was foolish of me. I see that now. Happiness is an experience, a kaleidoscope of moments that clash together to make the perfect pattern. It’s something I’ve learned since my first date with Thorin only three days ago. Before then, I was content with what we have, our lives coming together even in the most chaotic of ways. I was content, and now, watching Thorin play with Eli in my living room while I work on my latest blog post, I’m happy in a way I never expected. I mean, I always knew I would be, eventually, but I never imagined that my happiness would include Thorin. Eli lets out a squeal when Thorin blows raspberries on his tummy, and it brings a smile to my face, watching them bond, and get to know each other.
“You know,” I shut my laptop and place it on the coffee table before joining them, “the point of tummy time is that he actually be on his tummy.” I take Eli’s little hand in mine, and he wraps his hand around my index finger, giving me a gummy smile. “Ain’t that right? Uncle Thorin is doing it all wrong.”
Thorin rolls over onto his side, and rests his head in his palm. His eyes are bright, reflecting everything I feel inside and then some. “I think Uncle Thorin knows exactly what tummy time is.” He winks, and when my cheeks flush with color, he grins, more than likely recalling the tummy time we had this morning. I resist the urge to shiver at the recollection playing out in my own head, because my, my, it was delectable. And a first for me. Who knew being flat on my stomach with my legs crossed could make me feel tighter, and him bigger. I lean over Eli, and plant my lips on Thorin’s, loving the way he smiles against my mouth. I do that a lot these days, kiss him because I can. Mya strategically posted photos of us from our first date on both mine and Thorin’s social media accounts, officially announcing to the world that he’s very much taken. Admittedly, her idea of cross-promotion has worked really well, for both of us. And so have the workout videos we’ve been doing together. Sneaky bitch that she is, she posted a few candid videos of us exercising together, one of me lying beneath him and sneaking kisses while he did push-ups, and another of me sneaking kisses while I did sit-ups with Thorin holding my feet on the floor. We were being silly that day, but I’ve discovered he can be very motivating when he’s in the gym with me. Not that we’ve labeled what we are, exactly. Boyfriend-girlfriend seems too juvenile at this point. Thorin pulls his head back. “Keep that up and we’ll have to let Mya have Eli for the day so I can have you.”
I roll my eyes. “You have me every day.” Which he does. Not even my period stopped him. Another first for me, and I didn’t exactly hate it.
“Then what do you want to do today?” Thorin asks. He picks Eli up, and lays back down. I’ve noticed he loves doing that, having Eli on his chest. He mentioned once that when Eli is feeling squeamish, as soon as he hears Thorin’s heartbeat, he settles. I don’t blame the little fella, I feel the same way when I lay my head on Thorin’s chest. “Well, I have a few things to finalize with Mya before the launch next week, but then I was thinking we could take Eli to the stables. He likes the horses, stares at them the entire time, and then laughs when they nudge him with their snouts.” He’s a Decker, that’s for sure, already loving the horses like his daddy and uncle did at his age, and now that spring is finally here—my favorite time of year—I spend more time outside with him when I’m not working. Everything that was once dead is now coming to life, filling the ranch with a myriad of colors, and a new season seems fitting, especially for me and Thorin. It’s a Saturday, and the ranch is free of construction workers. As excited as I know Thorin is about the studio—and maybe a little less excited about having to wall-off the front end of the property—I like the quiet. Mya is next door, probably with Fletch, so it’s just me and my two favorite guys. “And I planned a picnic. It’s warmer out, I think he’ll like it. What about you?”
“I’m going to check in with the guys while you’re busy with Mya, and then I’ll join you for that picnic. Guys want to go out, and have a few drinks tonight.” Thorin wrinkles his brow. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea, though.”
“Still worried about Carson?” Even though Carson apologized to me profusely, numerous times, about what happened with Jessica, Thorin, Fletch and Benji have been watching his every move. I know Alex gave him an ultimatum—booze, and drugs, or the band—but even I can see he’s been making an effort. And I kind of feel bad that Eli and I have been monopolizing Thorin’s time. I don’t think a night out with his friends is a bad idea.
“He’s been trying,” Thorin admits. “Hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since the last bonfire, and he’s been hands-on with helping build the studio, but part of me will always worry that he’s going to go back to his old ways, choose the liquor and the coke over the band.”
I let out a breath, and lie down next to him. “Give him a chance to redeem himself, I have a feeling without you and the band he has nothing and no one. You’re his family, and I think he deserves a second chance. Just give it time.”
Thorin cranes his neck, and looks down at me, his arm around my waist, hand on my butt. “How do you do that?” He asks, is expression one of awe.
“Do what?”
“Forgive so easily?”
I think about it, and then reply, “Easy. I choose to see the good in people, and leave it up to them prove me wrong. We’re not inherently bad people, Thorin. Life happens, and as cheesy as it sounds, it either makes us or breaks us. Which one it is, is a choice we make.”
“You, Reese Hayes, are one of the strongest people I know. How’d I get so lucky?”
His words wrap around me, warm me right down to my soul. Rather than reply with words, I kiss him, reminding him that as lucky as he is to have me, I’m just as lucky to have him. Eli makes a noise, and when I glance down, I see his fist is in his mouth. “Someone’s hungry,” I laugh. Thorin and I both sit up, and I make Eli a bottle. He’s eating way more than when he first came home from the hospital, and after his first check-up, we were elated to know that he’s healthy, and growing as he should be. I hand the bottle to Thorin just as my phone chimes on the kitchen counter. It’s a text from Mya.
You guys need to get here, now. You have a visitor.
That’s strange. We weren’t expecting anyone today, and the buzzer for my house didn’t go off. Thorin had a security system installed, with cameras and everything for both houses. “Uh,” I look at Thorin. “That was Mya, she said we need to go next door because we have a visitor.” She said I have a visitor, but I haven’t thought of myself as a singular in weeks. I’m part of a we now, an us. A package deal, so to speak. I’m not sure exactly when that happened, it just did. Thorin stands, cradling Eli in his arms. “Okay.” He takes the warm bottle from my hands. “Let’s go check it out. Were you expecting someone?”
I shake my head. “No. Your mom wasn’t planning on visiting again until next week, but maybe she came early?”
“Doubt it.” Thorin leads the way to the front door. “I booked her plane ticket.” He gives Eli his bottle, and how the man is able to walk and feed Eli is beyond me, but he does it without any effort at all, and Eli, bless him, doesn’t fuss like he sometimes does with me. We cross the path between the two houses, sharing a look when we see a black Range Rover in the driveway. Voices come from the kitchen, and when we walk in, my steps falter, my world as I know it once again thrown off-balance. Sitting at the kitchen counter is my dad. Mya and Fletch both glare at him, and I feel Thorin’s body go rigged behind me. Dad sits upright when he sees me. It’s been almost nine years since I last laid eyes on him, and time has not been kind. His once dark brown hair is peppered with gray on the sides, lines mark his face beside his eyes, and it’s easy to tell they’re not laugh lines like Maggie’s.
“Reese.” Hearing him say my name is so foreign, and yet, it’s not.
“Dad, w-what are you doing here?” My own voice sounds foreign to me now, the word ‘dad’ feeling all kinds of strange, and unfamiliar.
“Well,” he sighs. “Turns out your boyfriend and his band hired my construction company to build a recording studio and erect a wall.”
Fletch frowns at Thorin. “Did you know about this?”
“Of course not,” Thorin replies, careful not to upset Eli by raising his voice. But I detect the anger in his voice. Hell, I can feel it coming from his entire body. He steps closer, placing his left arm around my waist. It’s a protective stance. Naturally, we ignore the boyfriend comment because, well, my dad is here. In Horseshoe Bay. On the ranch. And his construction company…
“And Benji?” Mya asks. She’s never met my parents, but she knows my story, knows what my parents did, and why I haven’t spoken to either of them since I left for college.
“Benji wouldn’t do that,” Thorin says, sounding irritated that she would even think Benji would do that to me.
“Nobody knew,” Dad says. “Benji has been dealing with my partner. But that’s not why I came, not really.”
“Then why the fuck are you here, Mr. Hayes?” Thorin barks. His indignation is becoming more palpable. I put my hand on his chest, and briefly look down at Eli. Thorin catches the hint pretty quickly, and without a word, gives Eli to me. My dad watches the exchange with a curious gaze. “I’m sorry to hear about your brother, and his wife,” he tells Thorin. “I gave your mom a call on the drive from Dallas.” He’s been in Dallas all this time? That’s only three hours away!
Thorin’s hands ball into fists at his sides. “What business do you, of all people, have calling my mom?” That one has me stumped too.
“Why don’t we start with why I’m really here,” he replies. “I came to see my daughter—”
“What gives you that right?” Thorin snaps, cutting Dad off. Before Dad can respond, I look up at Thorin. “It’s okay, babe.”
“No, Reese, it’s really not.” His eyes blaze a brilliant blue, and that only happens on two occasions—when he’s turned on, and when he’s really, really pissed. I’m guessing he’s not turned on right now. “Yes, it is.” I look at my dad, and notice for the first time how tired he looks. “Can we talk?” He asks me. “In private?” I mull it over, and find that I’m clutching Eli to my chest like he’s a life jacket. Have I ever thought about what it would be like to see my parents again? Of course I have. What I didn’t plan for was for them to be another trigger, and that’s incredibly stupid and naive on my part. But for all that he’s done, for his flaws, and his mistakes, I do want to know the reason my dad is here now, after so many years of nothing.
“We can talk at my place,” I reply. I can tell neither Thorin, nor Mya are pleased by this idea. Even Fletch looks unhappy about it.
“Reese, I don’t think—” Thorin starts to whisper in my ear, but I stop him.
“I think I-I need to do this.”
His plea for me not to do it is there, in his eyes, in his body language, and as much as I want to heed his silent entreaty—he’s only doing it because he cares, I know this—I feel like it might be the right thing to do, even if my dad ends up hurting me. And yes, it’s going against what I told Thorin the first time we spoke about my parents, that it is better I don’t hear from them, but I know if I were to turn my dad away, after he came to me, I’d regret it. Probably.
I stretch onto the balls of my feet, and kiss Thorin. “I’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll be right next door.”
I expect him to stop me, but instead, he takes Eli from me, and walks out the kitchen. He can be angry all he wants, but he’s not in my shoes right now. I’ll talk to him about it later, but first, I need to talk to my dad. Mya stomps out of the kitchen without looking at me, and so does Fletch. I don’t expect them to understand, but I do expect them, as my friends, to respect my decisions. Dad follows me back to my house, and I immediately make us some coffee. Idle hands and all that. All the while, I’m aware of my dad’s presence in my home, aware of how he’s looking around and taking it all in.
“Nice place you got here,” he says, carefully sitting down at my kitchen island. He looks as ready to bolt as I feel. I pour his coffee, add some sugar and milk. “You remember how I drink my coffee.” I didn’t even think about it, it was as automatic as breathing. I lean against the counter, keeping a safe enough distance. Like it’ll make a difference. “What are you doing here, Dad?”
He purses his lips, inhales deeply. “I don’t really know where to start.” He looks at me. “I guess it’s too late for an apology.” Do I even want him to apologize? I’m not sure. My head and my heart are running a mile a minute, but in opposite directions. Rationale, and emotion are at war, and I’m struggling to choose which one to follow. A thought occurs to me, both horrifying, and disconcerting. “Is Mom with you? Because if she is—”
“Your mother and I are divorced, Reese. It’ll be nine years in June.”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. What do I say to that? Good for you? When did you grow a backbone? It’s about damn time?
Nothing will suffice, so that’s what I go with. Silence.
“Shortly after you left,” he says. “Losing you, it was just too much.”
His words give life to mine, and I go from mute to furious. “Losing me?” I huff, indignation heating my blood, making it pump through my veins faster and faster. “You never lost me, Dad. You signed those papers and gave me away.” In my mind, I know that’s not entirely true, but it doesn’t take away from the abandonment I felt. Yes, I wanted the emancipation, but my dad didn’t even fight for me.
“It’s what you wanted, Reese, and it’s the least I could have done after what your mother put you through.” His face twists, his expression fraught with pain. “I also knew getting away from her was the best thing for you.”
“Like you cared,” I snap. “You allowed her to do those things, to say those things. You never stopped her, and how does that make you any better than she was?”
Dad pushes his coffee away, and stifles a sob with his hand. “I made some terrible mistakes, and I will live with them for the rest of my life, but signing those papers was not one of them. It was the only way I could get you away from your mother, and the poison she filled your head with.” Dad’s cheeks are wet with tears, and there’s an uproar of emotions building in my chest, each of them individually unnamable but together they’re noise. Loud, deafening noise that I don’t know how to break down, and deal with.
“She told me I was unlovable.” I’m saying the words, but it doesn’t sound like me. “She starved me for days on end, and told me how much she hated how I looked. She said I was fat, all the time, and not once did you tell her to stop.”
“I know,” he chokes out, his shoulders shaking. “And I regret that, every day. I’ve regretted that, and everything I didn’t do to protect you, from the moment you were gone.”
God, what a mess. And what terrible timing. Just when things were going right, this man had to show up and what, seek forgiveness? I don’t know what to do with that, or with whatever’s going through my head. The memories, the most brutal moments of my childhood rear their ugly heads, and one by one, they slice me open.
“Then tell me, Dad, what do you want from me?”
“A chance,” he replies, wiping his face. “A chance to make things right, and start over. I miss you, sweetheart. I’ve missed you every day since you left, and not a day goes by that I don’t wish I’d done things differently. I failed you.”
It’s the I failed you that cracks my chest wide open. So wide, I’m sure if I looked in the mirror I’d be able to see my heart beating, bleeding, yearning. The first trickle of something slides down my cheek, but I wipe it away. Am I willing to give him another chance? I was quick to preach about forgiveness to Thorin, not even an hour ago, and yet I’m so torn, so very torn between protecting myself, and giving my dad a second chance. He stands, and walks around the counter. I’m compelled to step away, slam that wall in place, but my feet won’t move. They’re not listening to my brain, but instead, they’re listening to my heart. Carefully, and with slight hesitation, my Dad wraps his arms around me, and holds me, his embrace gentle the way a dad’s should be. My rigid posture, my heart’s warning to be cautious, doesn’t deter him. He kisses the top of my head, steps back, meets my gaze. “I’m going to be in town for a while, staying at the inn. I’ll give you all the time you need, but please think about it.” With that, he turns around, and walks out.
Two hours later, Thorin finds me in the bath, the water turned cold. I’d been planning on having a quick shower before getting my day started, but a bath, and time to think, seemed a better option after my dad walked out. Guess I lost track of time. “Jesus,” Thorin mutters, pulling me from the water. “You’re freezing.” He wraps me in a towel, and dries me off. “What happened? What did he say?”
I look up at him, and spill my guts with a single sentence. “I’m a fraud.”
Thorin grimaces. “What do you mean you’re a fraud?”
My eyes burn, my throat itches, and when the tears fall, I let them. “You told me I’m strong, and the truth is, I’m not, Thorin. So far from it. I thought I’d put everything behind me, but seeing my dad again, hearing what he had to say, I’m ashamed to admit that I want to give him a second chance, that I want to forgive him.”
Thorin folds his arms around me, and my body shivers. He helps me dress, dries my hair, and makes me some tea before settling next to me on the sofa. I spend an hour recounting the conversation I had with my dad, refusing to be numb. No good can come from that, and as hard as I tried to not feel anything, it’s just not who I am, or who I want to be. When I’m done, Thorin exhales loudly, and wipes his hand down his face, his brows furrowed in contemplation.
“Are you sure you want to give him another chance?” He asks quietly. There’s no judgement in the way he looks at me, or in how he asks me. But he’s concerned, and who can blame him. “Would you think me stupid if I said yes?” His opinion matters, but I also know he’s biased, subjective when it comes to my parents. But he also knows my dad isn’t the villain in my story, and for all I know, he could’ve been nothing more than a puppet. I never did ask him why he divorced my mom, but it might be a conversation worth having. In time. “Be honest with me, please.”
“Well, I find it suspicious that we just so happened to hire his construction company,” he says. “Don’t you?”
“No, I think that was just a fluke. I know my dad, he wouldn’t try insert himself in my life like that. When he said he wanted to be part of my life again, I think I believed him.” After crying, and soaking in the bath, I replayed what he said, and how he said it, in my mind, over and over again until I came to the conclusion that there was nothing but sincerity and regret in his words, his actions. In hindsight, signing those emancipation papers is the best thing he could have done for me, and the only way to get me away from my mom. Maybe I was remiss in thinking it was easy for him to do that, or that he did it as willingly as I suspected. He protected me by letting me go, but I can’t help but feel there’s more to the story, things I wasn’t privy to growing up.
“Ugh,” I groan. “There’s so much going through my head right now, I don’t know what I want, and that makes me feel weak. I don’t like feeling weak.”
Thorin brushes my hair from my face, brushing his thumbs under my puffy, red eyes. “You’re not weak, Reese, and wanting your dad back in your life doesn’t make you a fraud. It makes you human.”
I lick my lips, and swallow. “If I decide to give him another chance, will you be willing to do the same? Or at least try, for me?”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, again. You’re everything to me, babe. So, for you, I’ll try.” Oh, this beautiful, wonderful man.
I lean my head on his shoulder, and allow his warmth, his strength, to seep into my bones, my marrow, my soul. “That’s all I’m asking for, Thorin. That you’ll try. And of he hurts me again, that you be there to piece me back together.”
He kisses my head, and inhales. “Anything for you. Always.”
“Can we still take Eli to see the horses, and have that picnic? I could use the distraction.”
“Are you sure? I thought maybe you’d rather stay in, and we could watch that show you’re obsessed with on Netflix.”
“That does sound good, but locking myself away for the rest of the day isn’t going to help me, it’s not healthy. I’d much rather spend some time outside, with you and Eli.”
“Okay.” He stands, and pulls me to my feet, giving me a long, lingering kiss. It soothes me in ways other things can’t, it tells me he supports me, and that’s what I need most. “Whatever you want.”
That’s what he gives me, a day with him, and Eli, and the horses, and a picnic under an oak tree. And long after the sun has set, and Eli’s been put to bed, Thorin touches me with care, loves me with devotion, and wordlessly promises me that whatever happens next, we’ll get through it together.