Marriage Customs Will Surprise You
One of the key arguments against granting marriage and parenting rights to non-heterosexual/non-monogamous families has long been that marriage is properly defined as being between a biological male and a biological female locked in monogamous union for life. Did you ever wonder where the definition came from? It is not in the Bible or any other scripture. In the United States, marriage was not legally defined this way until the 19th century. Until then, the government did not get involved in marriage contracts or private sex lives, nor did legislators give a hoot about adultery, promiscuity, or prostitution unless it won votes.
If we take a broad cultural survey of marriage rituals and customs around the world, an authentic picture of the amazing diversity of relationship forms and types emerges. Below, some snippets of research I’ve shored up over the last couple of decades, starting with some North American history:
- Polygamy was legal in the United States until Congress, under intense pressure from Protestant clergy, passed the Morrill Anti-Bigamy Act of 1862 as part of political crusade against Mormonism. It stands as the only hate crime enshrined into U.S. law and transformed into national social custom.
- Washington, Jefferson and other framers of the U.S. Constitution viewed marriage and sexuality as matters of religious belief, not government affairs.
- According to 19th century records, 40 different Native American tribes practiced sororal polygyny. In Native American tradition, the eldest daughter married a man first, and then her sisters became her co-wives when they reached the age of marriage.
- Bundling – wrapping a male suitor and his fiancée-to-be in blankets and letting them share a bed – was a common courtship practice in colonial New England, where suitors had to travel great distances to visit potential mates and overnighted with their hosts. They were supposed to use the time to talk and get acquainted. Not surprisingly, contemporary studies have shown that a significant number of bundled women were pregnant by the time they got married.
- Sexual freedom was always the right of kings. Harem women, concubines, female slaves, prostitutes, erotic dancers, and same-sex partners were historically enjoyed by European nobles and Eastern pashas throughout history. In ancient cultures – dynastic Egypt, dynastic China, the Roman Empire and among Jews of the Old Testament – socially prominent men freely enjoyed multiple sexual partners of all ages and genders (male, female, and transgendered or transsexual).
- The infamous libertinism of Pope Alexander VI (Borgia) has been made the subject of a popular television series but the Vatican was notorious for its sexual excesses in its first centuries. According to papal historian Bishop Liutprand of Cremona (in Antapodosis), early Vatican officials “had rich banquets with dancing girls … and retired with these shameless whores to beds with silk sheets and gold-embroidered covers.”
- Homosexual love has been in and out of favor since the ancient Greeks. No society has developed a consistent approach to gayness because no matter the restrictions or laws against it, it is a natural biological phenomenon which cannot be repressed. So at times it was considered grounds for castration or execution; during other times it was tolerated, even celebrated. Alexander the Great was openly bisexual, and promulgated a gay-positive culture in 4th century BC, but when Emperor Nero ascended to power in Rome a few centuries later, his flamboyant homosexual marriages earned him eternal condemnation.
- Polygamy remains traditional throughout the Middle East. Although modern Moslems are more likely to be monogamous, fundamentalist Islamic cultures encourage men to follow ancient traditions and take four wives.
- In the Wodaabe people of Africa, men may marry four times, but only the first marriage is “official,” arranged by the parents of the bride and groom specifically to forge important socio-economic bonds between families. Additional marriages are love matches, intended to prevent adultery. Men may take up to three more wives and those women accept a lower status in his life. It is also accepted custom for adolescent males to hold hands, kiss, and sexually experiment with male cousins of the same age before marriage.
- Some Tibetans still practice the ancient tradition of fraternal polyandry, which is when the bride’s parents arrange a marriage between their daughter and a young man and his brothers. She becomes a wife to them all in adulthood. Polyandry (one woman, more than one husband) has been documented throughout the world, from the Arctic Circle to South America and Sri Lanka.
- Among the matriarchal Mosuo people of China, family units are comprised of women, their daughters and their sons. The traditional household is female-led, and women hold most of the financial and social power. Several generations of women may share their residence with sons, brothers, or uncles (incest is strictly taboo), but lovers and fathers live separately. Men’s role in Mosuo society is largely limited to providing food (fish and livestock) and sexual companionship. Though incest is taboo, women sleep with the men of their choice whenever they like.
It’s always good to remember that there are no absolutes when it comes to human desire. Our leanings and even our ideas of perfection are shaped by the culture we live in and the traditions we practice.
For reference, a quick summary of the anthropological labels and definitions for traditional polygamous relationships:
Polyandry, Polygyny and Polygamy:
polyandry = more than one husband
polygyny = more than one wife
polygamy = more than one partner