The argument over nature v. nurture (are people born to be gay? kinky? poly?) has been debated since the 1880s, when Krafft-Ebing published his epic work, Psychopathia Sexualis, comprised of case studies and new labels for chronic masturbators, homosexuals, fetishists, sadomasochists and other adults he and psychiatrists for a century afterwards considered to be psychosexually diseased. The classifications of so-called sexual anomalies and paraphilias were undertaken for forensics purposes. Scientists hoped that the new nomenclature and scientific theory that perverts were “born that way” would help some sex criminals get lighter sentences.
Although we have, in the last few decades, started to overcome the entrenched collective fallacy that non-reproductive sex signals some form of mental disorder, the ongoing battle between whether sexual behaviors are hard-wired or products of the environment has become a political football in the 21st century.
Some camps now argue that since people are “oriented” a certain way, “they can’t help being who they are.” That’s true and false. All the medical science suggests that people are born with sexual tendencies and orientations but life experience suggests that many, if not most, people fight their sexual orientation if it conflicts with their social milieu. Put another way – unless we’re mentally disordered, we can all help being who we are. That doesn’t mean we’re happy about it, but most of us can lead lives of sacrifice if we must.
Other camps argue that nobody is “oriented” to have non-reproductive sex and therefore it is an “immoral choice” to act on “sinful desires.” That’s false and true. People are in fact born with individual preferences and needs. However it’s true that they could choose not to be themselves. The evidence is universal: hundreds of millions of people, perhaps billions, have denied who they are in order to please their families or societies.
What both camps seem to forget is that it isn’t a question of how we think biology should work theoretically. The way it works in real life is that people are born to be different – in their tastes, their needs, their personalities, and their sexuality. Some are born to prefer same-sex partners, some have bigger appetites for sex than others, and so on. Encouraging adults to deny their deepest and most powerful emotional needs by forcing them to conform to models that make them personally unhappy is pointless and cruel.
The Holy Grail of sex counseling is personal pleasure. As long as they are not harming others, my clients’ personal happiness is the only relevant subject. It is also one of the toughest walls to climb because so few of them feel they even deserve to have the kind of sex they really want. Sometimes the role of a sex therapist is literally to be the permission giver: you give your clients permission to do things they feel too shy or embarrassed to do on their own. Years of censoring and judging themselves at every step makes people insecure and prudish. They draw a mental line around their genitals and avoid thinking about them unless absolutely necessary. You let them know that masturbation is a good thing, and that trying new things in bed can be fun. If they are sexually unconventional, you help them develop a comfort zone around their sexual needs so they can have better, more engaging relationships.
Knowing what my clients were born to be – what they would be, could be, might be in a perfect world – is helpful as a pointer to their erotic potential. Remarkably, though, it’s still only one piece of the bigger picture of who they are. Equally vital to understanding a person’s sexual identity is to learn about that person’s unique experiences in life: his journey, the mistakes he’s made, his best successes, his fantasies, and how he defines personal happiness.
I delved into details about the unbreakable bond between personal identity and sexual identity in “Sex and the Self.” Briefly put, your image of yourself as a sexual being influences your perceptions of your life in general. Sexual identity impacts self-image, self-esteem, body image, trust issues, social function, and an as-yet immeasurable span of human emotions and behaviors.
The three most important questions I gradually lead all my clients to answer for themselves are:
1. Who are you as a sexual being?
2. Do you accept yourself as you are?
3. How can you integrate your sexual identity with the rest of your life?