To illustrate how people may find themselves in relationships where there are no easy sexual answers, I thought it would help to provide short glimpses into a range of clients I’ve worked with who were in unique, and uniquely complicated, situations. My purpose is to show how nuanced and morally gray adult life really is as compared to the models and lessons we were taught as kids.
At the end of each personal story below I’m going to do a corny academic textbook kind of thing and pose some questions to help you think critically about your own assumptions and responses to these stories.
SAL has been happily married to his college sweetheart for 20 years. For the first time in his marriage, he was having non-stop sexual fantasies about other women. He caught himself staring at women on the job. Recently, a co-worker came into his office to fix something on his computer and when she bent over, the tops of her breasts surged from her blouse. In an instant, he imagined unzipping his pants and sliding his penis between them. His fantasy scared the bejesus out of him. Was he losing his mind? Having a breakdown? What if he had succumbed to temptation and grabbed her?
As soon as I took his sex history, the reason was obvious. His beautiful wife didn’t like sex. At all.
Sal explained that he knew when he married her that she’d had a very rough childhood. In 20 years of married life, they had only made love once or twice. She sometimes enjoyed cuddling and occasionally helped him with masturbation. For the most part, however, his sex life consisted of masturbating in private.
He occasionally wondered whether he made the right choice in trading sex for the security of being with his best friend but for the most part, he was happy. His recent spate of fantasies about other woman bewildered him and made him feel like he was losing control.
Sometimes sex therapy depends on simple logic. Take an adult who needs and wants sex, deprive them of the opportunity, and sexual frustration will cause them stress. Stress affects each of us differently: some of us melt down over small things, while others have an extremely high tolerance to absorb and endure stress. Since Sal had gone so many years without thinking about cheating, he was obviously one of those people who had a high tolerance for sexual frustration. So what had changed?
It turned out that Sal was under emotional pressure in several areas of his life. His mother’s health was declining, his wife’s car was stolen, and his company was facing a potentially nasty lawsuit. I suggested that these extra stresses in his life may simply have pushed him past his usual ability to cope with sexual frustration.
I assured him that many other men would have been fantasizing furiously all along if their wives were not interested in sex. It seemed likely that he was overloaded right now. Since his wife was not a source for relief, it wasn’t surprising that he was projecting the feelings onto the closest warm body.
Some might say that Sal’s sexual problem was that he wanted sex and his wife did not, and that he needed to leave her and move on with his life. For some couples, that is exactly how it works. Sal’s not the only client I’ve worked with who was fully committed to a sexless marriage.
My advice focused on better stress management strategies, and encouraging him to masturbate more frequently during periods of high stress. As long as he, as a healthy, virile man, was alive, chances were he would always desire orgasms; and if he remained married to his wife, he would have to learn how to nurture himself sexually. Since his wife was always up for a cuddle, he should ask her for more of that and more happy endings too. With only a few small behavioral changes, he could manage sexual stress through more orgasms plus stress-busters like yoga and exercise.
Analysis: Sal and his wife had a sexual identity conflict but because of other bonds and commitments, Sal was willing to compromise his sexual identity in order to keep his marriage whole. He compensated with a combination of private masturbation, assisted masturbation and non-sexual intimacy.
Questions: Do you think Sal was a bad guy for lusting after women when he was married? Do you think he made the right choice in staying faithful? Would you stay in a relationship with someone whose sexual identity guaranteed you’d always feel frustrated?
LILA got married because it was what she was supposed to do. She had planned her wedding dress since childhood. It’s how she was raised: find a nice boy and marry him. The only problem is that their sex life was kind of boring. They had sex almost every night and it was nice, but she kept waiting for fireworks that never came. Was something wrong with her or was that normal?
It’s very rare but once in a great while I have to lower someone’s expectations: they have been waiting their whole lives to have the orgasm they think they are supposed to have instead of the one they can have. It was possible Lila had unrealistic expectations of how it should feel; it was also very possible that she had not yet experimented with enough positions with her husband to figure out which one gave her the right stimulation to get her over the top. I asked if her husband gave her oral sex.
Lila’s husband gave her oral sex whenever she wanted it. That was her favorite way to climax. Still, she couldn’t always stay focused on what he was doing.
“Did you ever hear fireworks with anyone else?” I asked.
Lila had a fling with one of her husband’s female cousins in the months leading up to marriage. She didn’t know how it happened, just that one night the cousin was helping her pick out flower arrangements and the next thing they were in bed, fooling around. It was the first time Lila was ever with someone and, on one hand, she was grateful it was a girl, because it didn’t feel as much like cheating as if it had been a guy. On the other hand, it was confusing because she remembered it being better than sex now with her husband. This conflicted with what she wanted – a normal life, stability, maybe even kids some day. Why couldn’t she get this other woman out of her head?
My guess is that she was bisexual and that the very simple reason she had better sex with her female lover than with her husband was that being with a woman naturally turned her on more than being with a man. On the other hand, she loved her husband, their sex life wasn’t bad, and while she was willing to accept that she was bisexual, she didn’t know what to do about it.
Lila confessed the affair to her husband before they got married. She was terrified he’d break off the engagement but he forgave her and shrugged it off to youthful experimentation. Lila always wondered if he was even more open-minded than that. She knew he was very socially progressive and supported LGBT marriage, so he was very accepting. But how accepting? Was it possible he’d accept her occasionally being with another woman, or would that ruin their marriage?
I suggested we find out. When Lila was ready, she asked her husband to attend therapy with her. As I suspected, he was neither surprised nor uncomfortable when his wife told him about her ongoing interest in women. All he wanted to know was whether this meant she wanted to leave him. When she told him that what this meant was she’d like to occasionally have threesomes to start, he started laughing.
He always thought she was the one who felt ashamed and regretful for her lesbian adventure. To him, it was the hottest thing in the world, and had often been a part of his fantasies about his wife. The idea that she wanted to actually invite another woman into bed with them blew his mind.
Analysis: Lila learnt to accept her own bisexuality and chose to come out to her husband. Her husband was accepting and bi-positive, and welcomed the opportunity to expand their married sex life to include threesomes.
Questions: Was it wrong for Lila to get married to a heterosexual knowing she desired women? Should Lila’s husband leave her for a heterosexual? Is her husband wrong to accept his wife’s offer of threesomes? Do you think Lila and her husband can make this arrangement work out in the long-term?
CAREY had been avoiding sex for months. His understanding wife nudged him to see a therapist. She knew he had been molested by another man when he was a boy and thought he needed to talk to a professional.
When he was 12, his 17-year-old step-brother told him that in order to become a man he had to masturbate. The older boy then showed him what to do first on himself, then on Carey. At the time, Carey was so naïve, he thought this was normal, and that his step-father had arranged it so he could learn about adult sex. It wasn’t until much later that he realized that what had really happened was that he’d been molested by a sick pedophile. He never told his parents, because he felt it was his own fault for being stupid enough to believe his crazy step-brother’s story in the first place.
Since then, he hated his penis. When he ejaculated, it was more like opening a release valve than experiencing pleasure. His sex organs disgusted him. At the same time, he saw himself as a weakling and a terrible husband for not being able to deal with his fears.
People who feel an extreme revulsion to their own genitals may spend years, even a lifetime, not realizing that there are explanations for how they got there or that there are possibilities for positive change. Two of the most common reasons are either an emotional trauma linked with their genitals (such as the molestation Carey suffered); or feeling that one was born in the wrong body.
Carey often wondered if he was gay, or made gay, by that encounter. He looked at men sometimes, trying to figure out if he felt attracted to them or not. He didn’t really like their genitals any more than his own. On the other hand, he thought women’s bodies were incredibly beautiful. He loved everything about them, especially breasts. Sometimes he wished he had breasts. That thought frightened him and confused him even more.
The fact that Carey could objectively try to decide if men turned him on was enough to convince me he wasn’t gay. We all know what we like when we see it, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know when the rocket has risen. His enthusiastic ode to female beauty told me where his true attractions resided.
In general, people’s passing sexual fantasies and thoughts are just that – random bubbles floating through our sexual consciousness. We are a sexually curious species, hard-wired to be intrigued by possibilities, fascinated as much by similarities as by differences. So it’s pretty common for women to wonder what it’s like to have a penis or testicles and for men to wonder what it’s like to have breasts or a vagina.
But for Carey, thoughts about having breasts, wishing he was born female, questioning his sexuality, and hating his own genitals were themes which had haunted him since early childhood. As it turned out, long before his step-brother molested him, as early as first grade, Carey knew he was different from other boys.
Carey recalled that he had always wished he was a girl, as far back as he could remember. He always secretly preferred playing with his sister’s dolls and tea-sets to his guns and trucks. When his mother was out of the house, he’d sneak into her room and dress up in her clothes. It made him wonder if the reason his step-brother victimized him was because he saw that Carey was more like a girl than a boy.
As a man, Carey had over-compensated in every way – working harder, playing harder, and fighting harder than other men for what he wanted. As a result, he was extremely successful in public life. The only place he had not been able to disguise his self-loathing was in his sex life.
He didn’t want to be a man anymore, but he didn’t want to give up his life as a man either. It would mean the end of his career and his marriage. He didn’t know how to move forward. No matter what he decided he knew he was doomed to misery.
It took Carey years of excruciating self-analysis and exploration finally to accept that he was a transsexual (male to female) with a preference for female partners. Ultimately, Carey began the long process of transitioning to Carrie. Now post-surgery, Carrie is adjusting to life as a newly biological woman and setting her financial life in order. Her marriage ended amicably, and her wife soon remarried a biological male. Carrie has just started dating and is looking for a woman who will love her as she is.
Analysis: Carey was born transsexual but the molestation triggered fears about his sexual preferences, which compounded his existing gender identity issues. Coming at puberty – a time of peak emotional vulnerability for children – the abuse made him feel worthless, unempowered, and weak. Over time he associated all those bad feelings with his gender identity as a female. Once he realized that his gender issue was separate from the abuse, he was able to stop fighting himself and resisting the person he was (or rather SHE was) born to be.
Questions: Should Carrie have tried to keep her secret and continue to maintain her public life and marriage? How do you think it feels to be born knowing that your physical body doesn’t match your personal identity? Do you think Carrie is a strong person or a weak person for following her heart?
BOYD was experiencing erectile dysfunction for the first time in his life and it was depressing him to hell. After spending 12 years in a rocky marriage, he entered the BDSM lifestyle in his early 40s, and was enjoying the status of being an attractive, well-liked male dominant. He had several female partners and had the money and leisure to throw himself into the party life. Everything went great at the clubs, and he loved getting blowjobs, but when it came time to penetrate, he couldn’t get as hard as he wanted.
Since testosterone levels in men may begin subsiding as early as their 30s, and commonly after age 40, occasional erectile dysfunction (ED) is a normal part of the aging process. There are now several drugs (Viagra, Levitra, Cialis) which are highly effective in improving blood flow so men can have more youthful, firmer erections. But pills don’t help everyone, and some types of persistent ED require more extensive treatment. When Boyd acknowledged that he didn’t have any difficulty getting fully erect when masturbating or receiving oral sex, though, I knew the problem was psychological, not physical. I asked him more about his BDSM history.
Boyd was a late-comer to the BDSM community, but not to kinky fantasies. He was fascinated by bondage and ropes since boyhood, and read everything he could about his hero, Harry Houdini. In his teen years, any movie that had a scene showing a girl tied up immediately got him hard. But when it came to real life, he didn’t feel it was something he could ask for in bed. He thought women would think he was a serial killer or something. Despite the ED, he was happier now than he’d ever been. After a lifetime of fighting his feelings, meeting women who actually begged him to tie them up was a dream come true.
I asked Boyd how he felt about fucking. Was it something he used to enjoy?
He enjoyed it, sure, but as a teenager, he mainly fantasized about bondage – being tied up and tying up. By his 20s, he wanted to be the one who did the tying but he still felt guilty about it. Avid browsing of Internet sites also made him realize how much he was turned on by erotic enemas, spanking, and other fetishes he hadn’t even realized he had. But when he met his wife, he put all those fantasies away and focused on a normal life. It was great for the first few years, but the sex got really boring. That’s why he couldn’t understand his problem now. It was much more exciting to have intercourse with submissive women than it had ever been with his wife. Why didn’t his penis get that?
A clear picture was coming together for me and it is one I have researched and pondered for twenty years: the basic stages of sexual development in people who are BDSM/fetish kinky. From working with, socializing with, and gathering research about BDSMers, and going by my own life experience, most BDSM people seem to share an eerily similar, seven-stage erotic arch over the course of their lives.
Seven Stages of Sexual Development in BDSM/Fetish People
1. In early childhood, they have innocent (non-sexual) but unusual (fascinated or excited) reactions to taboo behaviors (notably bondage and spanking), to body parts (especially feet, rear ends, and body hair), or to objects (shoes, undergarments, clothing made of leather or rubber, etc.).
2. In puberty, as their bodies begin the swift march to reproductive capability, they may notice that things that once merely intrigued them are becoming mysteriously associated with erotic responses and sexy fantasies. If they masturbate during this stage (not all kids do), elements of the things that excited them as little kids will replay in their fantasies, now in a more sexualized, albeit crude adolescent form.
3. In their teens, fetish or kinky themes begin to pervade their sexual fantasies. If they masturbate (as most teens do), they may discover that they climax when fantasizing about a BDSM/fetish scenario. They may also notice that they are sexually different from their peers, who place an emphasis on intercourse and oral sex, acts of less interest to young BDSM/fetish people less than power relationships, fetishes and roleplay.
4. In young adulthood (18 to 26), sexual development yields to social pressures. Young people often make choices they believe will please their elders and earn them a place in mainstream society. Thanks in large part to the proliferation of kink-aware information on the Internet, more people today feel empowered to seek out safe, wholesome consensual kink relationships than when I was growing up. However, shame and negativity remain so pervasive throughout our culture that it’s still common for young BDSM/fetish people to keep their true desires secret even from their most intimate partners and to stifle their urges for the sake of a “normal” traditional marriage.
5. In the “settling down years” (I’ll liberally say ages 18 to 35), the choice of a partner will shape the course of one’s erotic destiny because partners are half of a romantic equation. BDSM/fetish people who partner with people who are sympathetic and responsive to their needs seldom show up in my office. I have worked with hundreds of people, however, who married partners who rejected their sexual identity. In my clinical experience, they tend to be at high risk of self-destructive behaviors. The most common one I’ve observed among kinksters who struggle with shame and inadequacy as a result of rejection is a compulsive stress cycle of binging and purging on their personal kinks or fetishes. Like addicts, they indulge in their kink to excess and then vow never to do anything again, struggling with uncertainty and self-hatred at every turn.
6. By the age of full sexual maturity (usually 25 to 35), the need for kink or fetish sex is fully defined and occupies an important place in people’s erotic imaginations. Orgasms may occur more easily when BDSM/fetish sex is involved. For some, orgasms may occur only when BDSM/fetish sex is involved. And while some BDSM/fetish people will always have an appetite for MOVA/MOA, the urge to live out their kinky identity generally rivals or exceeds their lust for “straight” sex. In fact, for many BDSM/kinky people, the drive for specific BDSM/fetish experiences is so intense and defined, it may override their usual preferences in sex, gender and body size, allowing them to expand their pool of potential partners.
7. Post-Prime: the older BDSM/fetish people get, the greater their need for kink/fetish sex to achieve complete sexual satisfaction. One of the most common complaints I hear from kinksters over 50 is that they can’t get fully aroused or have orgasms unless some form of BDSM is involved, even if it’s all in their private fantasies. Interestingly, it’s not uncommon for people to be BDSM “late-bloomers” and wait to explore their fantasies until their 40s, 50s, and older. Contrary to public myth, it isn’t because older people are jaded and therefore need more stimulation to get off. It’s usually because, given all the cultural prohibitions against adventurous sex, it takes some people that long to overcome their fears and inhibitions and give themselves permission to explore their authentic sexual identity.
Since I’ve noticed patterns of similarity in BDSM/fetish sexual developed, I explained my model to Boyd. From my perspective, he was (as I love to put it) “totally normal for a kinky person.” He was amazed at how much of his own experience was mirrored by the model, from his own kink awakening as a youngster to his years of self-doubt and his final realization that he could not be happy without kink in his life.
I thought he should try to focus on his BDSM passions until he built back some self-confidence.
Boyd was not happy with this advice. The submissive woman he was involved with expected him to take her “like a man,” he said. She had rape fantasies she wanted him to fulfill. He knew that after a long hot BDSM session, she expected him to give her a hard orgasmic ride. No one ever complained about his size but he was springing rubber. He doubled up on the Viagra the last time but it was an effort to keep it up to the end.
Nothing disturbs penile blood-flow like fear of failure. For a dominant person like Boyd, who craved to be seen as an in-control, take-charge type, it was irksome and humiliating and baffling too that his dick was not acting as macho as his brain. Naturally, the less his penis cooperated, the more it sapped his self-confidence, and the less likely he would be able to maintain his erection.
This pressure to perform and his belief that he couldn’t satisfy a partner unless he could pound her like a stallion had become a new whip for his back. He needed to cut himself some slack and face up to two indisputable mitigating factors. First, he was too old to coast on the testosterone spikes of his youth that pushed him to completion even when the sex was mediocre. Second, who was he kidding? He was never a big fan of intercourse. He was judging himself by a false model and, in essence, still punishing himself for being kinky. Only now, instead of feeling guilty for lusting to dominate a woman who wanted intercourse, he felt guilty for not having intercourse with someone who lusted for him to dominate her.
Trying and failing at vanilla sex was destroying his self-esteem. Boyd needed to return his focus to the BDSM acts that first enamored him and work on defining what sexual fulfillment meant to him, personally, without getting hung up on false labels and standards. He also needed to communicate more with his submissive before assuming that she had expectations about vanilla sex.
Analysis: Boyd was hard-wired to be a BDSMer but was still emotionally tuned to vanilla expectations that were unrealistic for him. Although he was playing in the BDSM world, mentally he had not made the transition to believing that he was fully entitled to seek out pleasure on his own terms. Boyd was still living in the mental prison he built for himself when he felt guilty about his sexuality. By fully accepting that being BDSM really meant being different from vanilla, his erectile function began to improve and when he did have failures, they just didn’t seem as earth-shattering anymore.
Questions: Do you think male sexual dominance is wrong? Should Boyd have tried to change his sexuality? If you were Boyd, would you have followed my (admittedly slow) plan of sexual empowerment through self-acceptance or would you have looked for someone who could write a (fast) prescription?