Before Sex: Two Rules of Sexual Etiquette
Two simple commonsense rules most parents never teach us about sex:
1. Cleanliness is next to sexiness. Shower, bathe, use a bidet or, in emergencies, towels and a sink, so you can thoroughly cleanse yourself front and rear. Get into all the nooks and crannies where sweat, urine or fecal matter may lurk. Do not use sprays to conceal odors or pre-moisturized wipes with a nasty taste. Clear clean water and lots of it works fine and leaves you smelling (and tasting) naturally fresh.
2. Politeness is erotic. Two of the sexiest words in any language are "thank you." No matter how raunchy the sex, or hardcore the role-play, courtesy and consideration show that you respect your partners and value their company. It makes you look classy. It may also make them trust you more because you are showing that you care about them as human beings.
Every adult has his or her preferences, and those preferences come first. These are basic “best practices” to make foreplay hot – literally. Foreplay will increase blood flow to your reproductive and genital system so that your sex organs can perform at their best.
- It takes longer for blood to fully engorge female genitals than male genitals, so the goal is to make foreplay last at least until full readiness before penetrating. Full readiness in females means the outer labia swell and the inner folds grow slippery with natural lubricant.
- Adequate lubrication is key to adult female pleasure. Since female hormones fluctuate routinely, women don’t always produce enough natural lubrication to keep sex really enjoyable. A good sex lube will help her.
- Begin with basics: kiss her softly, and begin gently to fondle her breasts and buttocks.
- Women typically have sensitive nipples but still vary in the degree of stimulation they like. Some women love hard pinches and others hate it. Always start with gentle simulation, kissing, fondling, tweaking and lightly sucking.
- The entire genital region (the pubic mound to the buttocks) is responsive to touch. Cradle or grip the area in your palm and rub it sensuously.
- While the clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman’s genitals, take your time getting there. Using the palm of your hand, press gently on the outside areas surrounding the clit (on top of the pubic mound, over the hood of the clit), and softly grind.
- Stimulation to the clit is entirely partner-dependent: some women literally can’t stand direct stimulation, others want you to tug on it (or may have a pierced hood). Don’t make any assumptions – learn your partner’s body as you go.
- When your partner is lubricated, insert your middle finger into the vagina or squeeze fingers together and slowly work more than one in. Slowly pump your fingers in and out, and rest your palm over the front of the mound, pressing down softly.
- An erection is, in simple terms, an extension of the circulatory system: when hormones signal a sexual opportunity, blood rushes to the groin. The process can take seconds. For this reason, men do not need (as much) foreplay to be physically ready for sex. However, they do need and enjoy the emotional intimacy, bonding and affirmation of touch.
- Kiss him and fondle him. Men generally respond positively to warm, passionate gestures. Stroke his muscles, his ass, thighs, shoulders and back.
- There are natural biological variations in male nipples. One third of men have sensitive nipples, and the other two thirds get limited pleasure from their nipples or may even find stimulation annoying.
- The male perineum (between the testicles and the anus) is very receptive to gentle stimulation. Caress and tease him under the testicles and between his thighs.
- Most men stimulate their balls during masturbation so ask them if there are any special sensations they like. It’s generally safe to cup testicles in your palm and gently roll or rub them, and to gently tug on the loose scrotal skin.
- The penis is the most sensitive feature of male sexual anatomy. Start with light touches all over it. Fondle and caress up the shaft to the head of the penis (the most sensitive part of the penis), then down again. Trail your fingers around it, squeeze the shaft gently, stroke it back and forth, and see how he responds. Or use both hands to elevate his arousal: circle the base of the shaft securely with one hand and use the other to stroke the shaft. Control his excitement by gently squeezing on the head of his cock or removing your hand and letting him cool down.
People who dive straight for the genitals may get their orgasmic goals met, but adults who want a complete experience of intimacy should include sensuality and touching in the mix. My advice borrows from Western science, Western Tantric practices, and a range of touch therapies (Reiki, acupressure, Carezza, and others).
SKIN: The largest organ involved in sex is our skin. Nerve-endings in skin receive and transmit pleasure to the brain. The skin is stimulated during intimacy both on the outside (from caresses, kisses and other sensations) and the inside (from increased blood flow). Ideally, your skin and muscles should feel relaxed and warm during sex.
- Always start with soft touches, then build to the intensity you both enjoy. The limit on intensity should be consensual: don’t assume your partner likes to give or receive at the same intensity level as you. If you’re seeking intensity, make sure you discuss it before scaring them or confusing them in bed.
- Caress, stroke and lightly knead and massage your partner when you kiss and hold each other.
- Learn to slow touch: linger to caress or rub for an extra 10 to 20 seconds at sensitive parts of the body and joints.
You will be using your fingertips for these touches.
FRONT
Beginning just below your partner’s belly button, slowly trail your fingers up the center of their body, circling their breasts/chests in wide circles, then narrow the circles to lightly caress the outsides of the nipples.
Trace a line to their neck, gently brushing the area under their chin and to their ears, then tracing the line back down the center of their body to their genitals.
Hold their hand in yours and softly push your thumb up the inside of their arm, from wrist to underarm, pausing to gently rub inside the elbow before moving up the bicep to the shoulder; then reverse and come back down to the wrist.
Lightly tease and pinch the lips, and draw soft lines up and across their foreheads, temple to temple, pausing to gently rub the temples.
BACK
According to Tantric traditions, sexuality is curled up at the base of the spine. According to Western medicine, the base of the spine is typically a sensitive (and stressed out) spot in adults. The following factors in both traditions:
Beginning at the neck, relax your partner’s muscles with gentle touches in the shoulder area and around the rotator cuffs.
Trail fingertips around the back of the neck, then cradle it in your palms to make it warm.
Trace a line down the spine: gently walk your fingers down the length of your partner’s spine, lightly pressing the muscles on either side.
Bring warmth to the entire region. Press your thumbs lightly into the base of the spine for 10 seconds, then move to the buttocks and knead them gently. Repeat a couple of times to fully relax and awake your partner’s senses.
For some lovers, oral sex is not just foreplay but the primary type of intimacy. This is a basic guide to using your mouth to give a partner sexual pleasure. As always, ask your partner for guidelines to their individual preferences and delights, and never assume one method or technique will work for everyone.
Best positions include kneeling between her legs while she sits up on a chair or edge of bed; or lying on your belly between her legs as she reclines on her back.
Begin by kissing just below the navel, and continue down to the thighs. Gently part the legs and kiss the insides of the thighs, the outside areas of her sex and any other places she responds to positively.
Work your lips, tongue and mouth slowly around the region and let your partner’s reactions be your guide. Do not assume you know how much intensity she will like.
Look up at your lover and, if possible, maintain eye contact. Her facial expressions will tell you what she is enjoying the most, and assists you both to communicate your excitement and pleasure with your eyes.
Best position is kneeling between his legs while he stands or sits up straight. In bed, you can perform oral sex on a man in a wide range of positions (lying on your sides facing each other, in the 69 position, lying flat between their legs, etc.).
Begin by rubbing your face below his navel and continuing down to his thighs. Kiss and lick around his genitals, and continue down to the insides of the thighs.
Work your lips, tongue and mouth slowly around his testicles and perineum, flicking your tongue around as you go.
Lick the shaft of the penis, start from the base up. Kiss it all over with soft lips, and work your way to the head. Take time to lick slowly and make small sucking kisses until you work your way up to surrounding the entire head with your lips. Continue sucking the penis into your mouth as far as you can comfortably manage.
Look up at your lover and, if possible, maintain eye contact. Let his facial expressions help guide you to giving him maximum pleasure.
The three most popular positions for vaginal penetration are man on top (missionary), woman on top (female dominant), and rear entry (“doggie style”).
Only one third of all women get orgasms during vaginal intercourse. However you can improve your woman’s chances of climax by adding manual stimuli to the mix.
Missionary style sex is the least likely to result in orgasm but works best if the woman’s hips are slightly elevated (a pillow beneath will help), and penetration is deep enough that the pubic bones of both partners meet. In addition to pumping and rolling, grinding against a woman will increase stimulation to her clit and her chances of orgasm. Don’t forget to kiss her.
Woman on top is a better position for female orgasm because she can move around until she finds the most pleasurable position and angle for her pleasure. You may also enhance her arousal by caressing her breasts and nipples.
Rear entry (with the woman bent over and the male either standing or on his knees behind her) in itself is the least likely to give a woman an orgasm – but offers her partner the opportunity to reach out to the front with his hand, and stimulate her by hand. Using your hand on her front while penetrating her from the rear may push her over the top.
Other popular positions include lying side by side (in bed) and having sex standing up.
While the Kama Sutra offers dozens of suggestions for exotic positions, most of them are awkward and none of them produce better orgasms. Most adults ultimately settle on one of the top three positions listed above as the most comfortable and most reliable positions for mutual pleasure.
As always, let your mutual preferences guide you. These are starting points for you to experiment with different movements and rhythms to intensify the pleasure of making love
Penetrate slowly and deliberately. Fast thrusting (and particularly pulling all the way out and plunging back in) is dangerous if the man misses the entrance. Instead, guide your penis in by hand (or ask your partner to do it for you or with you), and pump slowly and steadily until complete penetration.
Moving the hips is very good – so move them in different directions: side to side, up and down, in and out, in slow, gentle, deep grinding movements.
Don’t forget to kiss, hug, and fondle your partner while making love. Diverse sensual stimuli during love-making pushes the level of passion up a notch.
According to medical studies, intercourse (from moment of penetration to final withdrawal) typically lasts between 4 and 7 minutes. Although going longer may extend the pleasure, adults who go too long risk losing sensitivity or getting sore. To remedy temporary nerve or tissue fatigue, take a short break to let your genitals recuperate before trying for that orgasm again.
Five Tips on Creating Intimacy
There’s more to sex than just “doing it.” Feeling it and enjoying it are equally important.
1. Don’t just hold and hug your partner’s body: hug the person inside.
2. A good sex partner is an ally, not an adversary to conquer.
3. Save your complaints, criticisms, and petty thoughts for another time. Negative words create negative sexual dynamics.
4. Don’t hold back on praise, compliments and kind thoughts. Positive words create positive sexual dynamics.
5. Be your partner’s best friend in bed: figure out what they really like and encourage them to be themselves.
The male and female anuses are identical until you penetrate to the prostate. Here are some tips on exploring this type of sensuality:
Begin by gently rubbing the anus with a moistened finger, and then inserting it. If your partner is reasonably relaxed, insertion should be easy. Most people can accept a finger but if they are clenched, help them relax and use lube.
Adequate lubrication is essential for anal sex, and since the anus does not naturally produce its own, this means applying the lube of your choice in generous quantities.
The two key ingredients for a safe anal-sex encounter are relaxation and lubrication. Once the orifice is slathered with lube, slide a finger in and try to work in a second finger, very gently pumping them in and out. If it hurts, stop: either your partner is too tense, you need to add more lube, or you’re doing it too roughly. Anal sex should feel sensual not painful.
Experiment with fingers before inserting a penis or large toy. Re-lube before insertion and proceed slowly and gently.
IN MEN: deep penetration may reach to the prostate, which itself is extremely responsive to sensation but also sensitive to injury if you push too hard. An involuntary orgasm may be triggered by stimulating the prostate so be gentle and sensual if you reach his prostate, and you may be able to give your man an orgasm from the rear.
Partners with physical challenges may have special needs in bed too. I can’t cover all, obviously, but here are some basic tips on common physical challenges that crop up.
1. If you don’t already know, ask your partner about their medical limitations and build your sexual experience within those boundaries. Some disabled adults sexually compensate for what they either lost or never had by being able to receive erotic stimulation in areas other than their genitals. Find out if your partner has unexpected erogenous zones, either by asking or gently exploring.
2. A stable, comfortable surface is of the utmost importance. Depending on the nature of the disability, you may need to furnish the bed with extra pillows or other devices for extra support.
3. If your partner is hearing-disabled, keep a light on so you can see each other’s facial expressions. If your partner is vision-impaired, make sure you can hear each other at all times. If your partner has conditions that require frequent or unpredictable medicating, keep supplies at hand. It’s also handy to keep a bedpan within reach if it’s going to be a big deal for the person to get to the bathroom.
4. If your partner has a spinal cord injury, he or she may be unable to reciprocate touches but can still receive pleasure and may – depending on the injury – be capable of erection, intercourse and orgasm. Some women have reported increased orgasmic ability after spinal paralysis. Boost intimacy through verbal communication, soul-gazing, and kissing. A paralyzed partner may also enjoy watching you move their hand over your body and between your legs.
5. Whether or not it causes disability, obesity creates distinct physical challenges in bed. Big cushy pillows are a necessity. Use them to prop up body parts and to lean on for support. For love-making, use pillows under the ass to angle the pelvis and brace the lower back. Rear entry should not be an issue but if it is, again, prop your partner up so the genital/anal region is as exposed as possible. Lean them over a table or use pillows on the bed to help them find a comfortable position they can maintain for love-making. If direct genital contact is difficult there are still hundreds of loving variations to explore.
6. I also recommend expanding the repertoire to include creative variations like role-play, where a nimble mind is more important than a nimble body.
Sex with Transgendered Partners
There are unique challenges that go with transgenderism that can make negotiating a stable sex life difficult. The actual sex is no different from other adults’, but identity issues can be tricky. Here are some basics to help negotiate some of the typical rough patches:
1. Make no assumptions about a TG person: in order to understand *your* TG partner ask them to tell you how they identify and what that means to them.
2. Gender identity and sexual identity are two different entities. In simple terms, sexual identity is the biological package you were born with; gender identity is the sexual identity your brain believes is right for you. Unless they specify differently, treat your transgendered partners according to their gender identity.
3. A transgendered person may be gay, straight, bisexual, homosexual, or lesbian. Or he or she may transition through all those phases in the course of a lifetime. Transgendered people are not more or less likely to be kinky than anyone else.
4. Some transgendered people go through asexual phases or choose asexuality because their sexual identity issues stress them out or they have been hurt by relationships. Respect their choice and give them room to be who they are right now.
5. Depending on where they are in their transition, transgendered people may be sensitive or shy about parts of their body. So help your partners feel sexy no matter where they are in their journeys. Support their gender reality by focusing on the beauty of their gender and giving them positive support for becoming themselves.
Sexual Enhancements and Intimacy Builders
If you have time, energy or creativity for it (and particularly if you are courting someone new), you can enhance the environment where you’re going to be having sex in several ways:
Clean linens make people happy so when possible, please your partner with a freshly-made bed. You can also add a furry or silky throw on the bed to roll around on for extra fun.
Aroma makes us more receptive to sensuality: when women are involved, fragrant flowers, lightly scented candles, and lavender potpourris usually create instant relaxation; when men are involved, heavier, more masculine scents (such as musk or sandalwood incense) enhance the mood.
Fruit and water are two of the best treats to keep by your bed stand: water to hydrate before, during and after sex (very good for you!); and fresh fruit to give you energy boosts (natural sugars) and to link deliciousness with sex. You can use any sweet or savory food as an opportunity to slow your pace in bed too (imagine slowly sharing a sweet strawberry while making love).
Music can enhance eroticism – a hard rock beat, mellow jazz notes, etc. It won’t work for everyone (some people find it too distracting) but for those who love to move to a beat, music adds extra dimensions of pleasure.
As a sex therapist, I consider adult aids (also known as sex toys) a practical way to enhance sensuality and improve orgasmic ability. Three popular toys are
1. Vibrators and dildos: women use sex toys more than men, and their favorite ones are the type which most reliably give them orgasms, i.e., vibrators and dildos (non-motorized insertables). These days, vibrators come in dozens of different forms, from small vibrating eggs to huge lifelike systems, and dildos come in every size and shape imaginable. Some vibrators are designed for vaginal insertion; others deliver all stimulation to the clit and outside lips. Improve the sexual experience for your woman by learning which toys work best for her.
2. Cock rings are devices which restrict blood flow at the base of the penis (such as a rubber ring or a vibrating condom). The tension at the base of the penis traps blood in the organ, making it more sensitive and more engorged. Slide one on your partner and see if he’s happy with the results.
3. Anal insertables: whether it’s a penis-shaped toy, a vibrator or a probe, if you enjoy anal eroticism, an anal toy can enhance fun and increase your (and your partner’s) capacities for anal pleasure.
If you want to extend lovemaking over a period of hours, take a 21st century approach to more spiritually integrated intimacy and spend more time on sensuality than sex. Don’t be afraid to slow it down – anticipation enhances both arousal and climax.
1. Extended Kissing: slow down to lose yourself in long deep kisses. Any time you feel things are moving too fast, making-out will help you refocus your energies without breaking the mood.
2. Soul-Gazing: stare into each other’s eyes and communicate without words. A key precept of Tantric sex and the best way to build partnered intimacy. As much as possible, look into each other’s eyes during sex acts to acknowledge each other and make the all-important visual connections. If your vision is compromised, compensate for the eye-lock with a special touch or position you can hold with your partner to mutually express passion through stillness.
3. Use All Five Senses: sex isn’t just about your lips and genitals, it is a full-body buffet of delights. Slow down to listen to the sounds your partners make; touch them all over; taste their skin with your lips and tongue; look at them all over without shame; inhale their natural odors.
May all your lovers love you back and may all your sex be great!