“Do you want to talk about it?”
The elderly lady next to me hands me a tissue. I kindly take it and offer her as much of a smile as I can muster. I knew leaving was going to be hard, but I didn’t think my heart would break as much as it is. I can barely take a full breath without having to gasp for more air due to the pain I’m experiencing in my chest. It didn’t hurt this much when I found myself pregnant and alone.
“Vegas is always hard,” she tells me. “You aren’t the first woman to cry on a flight leaving this city.”
“I’m sure,” I mutter, resting my head on the window. I cried harder when I heard the door to the apartment shut, but I expected Finn to come back and say goodbye. When Lamar showed up I knew he was there to take me to the airport and that my final moment with Finn had been lost forever. I played it out over and over in my head. Finn would drive me and he’d park curbside. He’d help me out of the car and we’d stand there with an awkward but familiar silence between us. It’s then that he’d kiss me. That he’d finally kiss me after a week of dancing around each other.
Instead, I was met with an exit that mirrored my arrival. Lamar carried my bag to a waiting car and we rode in silence to the airport. The only difference was that I was dressed this time. He wasn’t seeing my pert nipples through the flimsy robe or getting an eyeful of my crotch. Today I wore jeans and a sweater to keep me warm on the flight.
“Do you love him?”
“Yeah.” The answer is automatic and without reservation. Finn, as complicated as he is, is easy to fall in love with. I know why Brandy said there’s a line waiting for a ring, and while some of it may be because of his status in Vegas, most of it is because deep down he’s a sensitive soul. He took care of me when I needed someone to, when I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own. Finn was there, no questions asked. He never asked me why I was in Vegas or what I needed the money for. He only offered to help by replacing the money I lost in his casino. He didn’t need to. I could’ve told him everything but I didn’t, and that weighs heavily on my shoulders.
“If you love him, why are you on the plane? You should get off and fight for him.”
I half smile and wish I could heed her advice, but it’s not that simple. With a slight shake of my head, I say, “He doesn’t love me and he never will. We’re two different people, leading two different lives.”
“How so?”
Sighing, I run my hand over my hair and pull on my ponytail. “We’re like night and day. We’re both fierce, but in different ways. I want to take care of him, help ease his worry, but he…he’s jaded, ruined by the city, I think. I don’t know. He doesn’t want to love, but there were times when I thought he’d ask me to stay. I thought things would be different and that I’d get my fairy tale.”
“But?”
“But it’s not meant to be. He likes the single life, the women banging down his door and being sought after. I can’t compete with that.”
“And yet you came together for something magnificent?”
“Why do you say that?” I ask, looking at her.
“It’s something I feel by the look in your eyes and the way you speak about him. As if he’s wronged you, but you’re willing to forgive.”
“Yeah, something like that.” The magnificent part happened years ago in the form of Morgan. Everything that happened this past week was amazing and beautiful, and yet I hate myself for it.
The plane pulls away from the gate, and all hope of seeing Finn get on the plane and beg me to stay is gone. I knew it was a long shot, but a girl can dream. That’s all I have, dreams. It’s the only thing that will keep me sane right now. The lady next to me starts to hum. I don’t know the song, but it’s soothing.
As we take off, the tears fall even faster. She grasps my hand, giving me some comfort. I close my eyes when the skyline of Vegas appears, not wanting to see it disappear in the blink of an eye, and once we’re airborne, she lets go.
“I don’t understand love these days.”
“Me neither,” I respond with a small laugh.
“What’s his name? This man you love?”
“Finn.” His name escapes my lips before I can stop them. I have two hours to get him off my mind and focus on my future and here I am reliving everything because I can’t shut the waterworks off. If I could be stoic and pissed off, I’d be in a better position. Hell, maybe I should’ve worn my stripper clothes on the plane. That for sure would’ve made it so she wouldn’t talk to me, but the guy next to her would’ve. That’s when I’m at my best—dealing with men. They’re transparent and easy to read when I’m Catalina and not Macey.
“Well, Finn is stupid.”
This time I full-on laugh. He is stupid, but then again he isn’t. He told me from day one that our arrangement would end, and at first I wanted to believe him, but he worked his way into my heart, showing me everything that I was missing. Thing is, if he knew I had gotten pregnant from our one night together years ago, he wouldn’t be this big shot in Vegas. At least, not in my mind he wouldn’t be because he would’ve stayed home and gone to school there. He would’ve been around to help with her, to help me.
Instead, he has a life and a good one at that. And I have thirty thousand sitting in my suitcase that is going to get me on the right path. Sure there were many times I could’ve told him who Morgan is, but at what expense? He has the money to hire high-powered lawyers who could easily take her away from me. I have only Morgan. The courts won’t care that I’m her mother because by the looks of us, we struggle. With her father she’d have everything.
She deserves everything.
“Finn is stupid,” I agree. “But he’s also smart and handsome. He can be caring when he wants to be, but he’s closed off and afraid to fall in love. I was stupid enough to think that I could change his mind, but I’m not enough.” Maybe it’s because I didn’t try or due to the fact that I didn’t take his pissy attitude all the time. Even though he was paying me to do his bidding, I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me.
“Vegas does that to men. They’re so used to having everything they want at their fingertips.”
She has no idea.
“Your boyfriend sounds like a colossal piece of shit.”
The lady and I both look to our right at the man who occupies the aisle seat. I frown and turn back toward the window. I know we’ve been speaking loudly, but that doesn’t give him the right to butt in.
“Excuse me?” the lady says next, adding a bit of flair to her question.
“Look, I’ve been sitting here listening and I’m serious, the man is stupid. Forgive me for saying this, but you’re fucking gorgeous and have a rocking body.” He taps me on the arm to get my attention and now that I’m looking at him, he continues. “And forgive me for saying this, but if I was hitting this”—he motions between him and me—“I wouldn’t be so keen on giving it up.”
“Love isn’t about sex,” I chide him. “Love is supposed to be different.”
“You’re right. Love is about making sacrifices, giving up your weekends with your buddies because your woman is sick. Love is about her needs, making sure she’s pleasured, adored and worshipped. Love is about coming home from a hard day at work and falling into a woman’s arms knowing that she’ll share the burden.” He stops and shakes his head.
“I don’t know how long you’ve been in love with Finn, but it sounds to me like he doesn’t deserve you.”
And I feel the exact opposite. I don’t deserve him. I never have, not even when he gave me a part of him to hold on to forever.
The flight is relatively quiet after that. I close my eyes and dream of Morgan running up to me at the airport; only the person behind her is Finn, not Steph. I startle awake as the plane lands and quickly look out the window at the sparse airfield.
“Is this your home?” the lady next to me asks. I nod. “Mine too.”
When the plane pulls up to the gate, we all unbuckle our seatbelts and start gathering our stuff. The man on the outside stands and asks us both what our luggage looks like. He does the nice thing and gets our bags and holds the line back so we can walk out before him. I’d like to think Finn would do the same thing until I remember he probably flies only first class or has a private jet.
As soon as we’re on the jet bridge, the man who had so much to say about Finn pulls me aside. “Look, I’m sorry for what I said. I was out of line.”
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have aired my laundry like that.”
“No, planes usually become therapy sessions. Anyway, I’d like to make it up to you, if you want.” He hands me a piece of paper with his name and number on it. “Call me. I’m local.”
I look quickly at his name before slipping the piece of paper into my pocket. “Thanks, Joel. I’ll think about it.”
He smiles, nods and starts walking up the Jetway. When I get to the concourse, I’m running as fast as I can with my carry-on dragging behind me. In luggage claim, my daughter is there with a bouquet of flowers in her hand and Steph scanning the crowd. As soon as Steph sees me, she points for Morgan, who takes off running.
“Mommy,” she squeals. I don’t care if she’s ten and acting like she’s five. This is the longest we’ve been away from each other ever and I love every minute of this routine.
I drop to my knees seconds before she crashes into me. She’s a bit small for her age and that allows me to still baby her.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me too, little miss. Me too.”
Morgan and I sit there and hold each other while people walk around us. I don’t care if we’re in someone’s way or not. I need these moments with my daughter.
“Never leave, okay?”
“I promise.” It’s an easy one to make because I’m never going back to stripping. I’d be foolish to waste the money that Finn gave me and not do something with it like get a degree in a trade or something useful.
I hug Steph and thank her for everything. I’ll never be able to repay her for the favors she’s done, even though I’m going to try. When we’re in her car, I ask her to drop Morgan and me off at one of the nicer hotels, telling her that I’m going back to my mom’s only to get our stuff. That’s if my mother hasn’t sold it yet. I was gone for two weeks and she never called. My absence either goes completely unnoticed or she simply doesn’t care. She’ll care when her landlord comes knocking on her door for rent and I’m not there.
Morgan and I make our way into the hotel. It has a waterpark built within and I can’t wait to take her there. Once we’re checked in, I unpack and place most of my money in the built-in safe that’s in the room. I have to trust that no one will come in and take my money while I’m gone. This is another reason we needed to stay in a hotel. If I took this amount of money to my mother’s, it’d be gone the minute I closed my eyes.
As I unpack, I realize how threadbare Morgan’s clothes are. None of her things are new. All of her things have been bought second- and third-hand. We need new clothes, accessories and food. No more cheap take-out and leftovers. Today I’m treating my daughter like a princess. I continue to empty my bag and find a brand-new iPhone with a note:
Finn wanted you to have this, on him.
Lamar
P.S. I suggest you don’t let him go so easily.
“What’s that?” Morgan asks.
“A phone, the type you can play games on.”
Her face lights up. All her friends have some sort of tablet or phone, while she has nothing. Not anymore, I tell myself, that all changes today. If Finn wants to pay for a service that I don’t need, but Morgan does, so be it. I’ll gladly let her use the phone.
My curiosity gets the better of me and I turn it on, wondering if he’s texted. I wait, longer than necessary, for a message to pop up. When nothing happens I drop it in my purse, grab Morgan’s hand and head for the door.
“Where are we going?”
“To the mall.”
Her face becomes even brighter. “Really?”
My heart breaks at how excited she is to go to the mall. It’s a treat and she knows it. “Yes, we need new clothes. Maybe some toys?”
She nods and squeezes my hand. “Could I get some socks? Mine have holes in them.”
I fight back a wave of tears and send a silent thank-you to Finn. He has no idea what he’s done for me. I don’t care about my dignity or the fact that I slept with him for a week to earn this money, because the look in Morgan’s eyes is worth it.
“Definitely new socks and anything else you want. Today, we don’t have to worry about money.” I kiss her on her forehead and pull her behind me and out of our room. Today, everything will be different.