51

I walk back to my car thinking about mothers—and in my isolation and desperation, missing my own.

I think about Charis and how she truly believed she was Magdalene’s mother, how what she did, as misguided and ultimately evil as it was, was understandable. I could understand a mother like her far more than one like Magdalene’s biological mother who could give her up and not want anything to do with her.

And then I think of Anna.

All thoughts about motherhood and everything else these days lead me back to Anna and Taylor.

I yearn for Anna, long to have Taylor back, so deeply and desperately I feel as if I might collapse from the weight of it.

Eventually, my thoughts lead me to Susan, the mother of my oldest daughter, Johanna. I think about the mother that she is, and how regardless of how fraught our relationship can be, I never question her love for and devotion to our daughter.

I think about how often she has questioned the care I give my daughters—not just the one we share together, but both of them—specifically when it comes to their safety. She has voiced her concern on several occasions—especially while we were dealing with the erratic, volatile, and violent behavior of Anna’s ex, Chris Taunton, and after what happened during Hurricane Michael some six weeks ago.

I think about how she has kept Johanna from me at times, and how cagey she’s been lately, and a thought flashes into my mind—what if she took Taylor? What if she did it for Taylor—out of concern for her? For Johanna—so she could have her little sister with her all the time? For herself—as a mother wanting control, as an ex wanting revenge?

And then I know. I know who has my daughter and I know why.

And I race to my car to go get her.