Day 48
The strangest thing happened today.
I’m not sure I can even describe it and I certainly know I can’t explain it.
We were out in the woods searching for Magdalene and I began to get a panic attack. Derinda must have seen that something was wrong. She came over to me—quietly, cautiously, not drawing attention to me, not stopping any of the others from searching.
As she was asking what was wrong, Brent and Charis joined us, but instead of asking what was wrong, they both put their hands on me and began to whisper prayers. Soon Derinda joined in and I began to feel more love and grace than I ever imagined possible. It was like I was absolutely and completely wrapped in love. I realize I can’t know exactly how this feels, but it felt like I was a fully developed child just before being born but still in its mother’s womb. And she was the most kind and loving mother, so pure and joyful. It was as if she was love itself and that the embryonic fluid I was in was liquid love.
Eventually I realized that the mother was God and I was the child and that I was loved beyond description, that I wasn’t being judged, only loved.
Something inside me shifted and I was able to let go of some of the guilt and shame and grief I’ve been carrying. I’m still sad, still broken, but I no longer feel guilty, I no longer want to die.
It was the most amazing thing.
Suddenly, I felt like if Magdalene was buried in these woods, it wasn’t a bad thing in and of itself. They are blessed woods. They are part of God. Full of grace and light. This ground is as holy as a church cemetery.
I would never tell anyone any of this—not even Keith—but it was the most incredible experience of my life, and I will never be the same again.