The next day, Josiah eased Rose down to a walk as the Rocky Ridge station came into view. The butterflies in his stomach did another flip at the familiar sight.
It had been dark when Zeche and Ezra showed him the five mares for sale last night, so they’d suggested he come back during daylight hours.
So here he was again. And this time he had to talk to Mara. His nerves were wound tighter than a horse jumping through a ring of fire.
As he neared the station yard, Rose released a loud whinny, and two answering neighs drifted from the direction of the barn. Did she remember her old home? The only movement visible came from the riding pen with the high fences. Two figures rode there—one the elegant outline of the strong feminine figure he’d dreamed about for years.
And beside her rode a smaller profile—one more girlish and carefree than Mara’s upright posture. That little girl was as cute as the day was long. Not hard to see why she was wrapped around Mara’s heart so tight.
He tied Rose in front of the barn, then went to stand at the rail to watch the women ride, taking up his old spot. Seeing Mara ride was like watching an eagle fly. Her movements were elegant. Effortless. Majestic.
It was easy to tell when she first caught sight of him. She rode next to Katherine, giving instructions on something. Her voice was so soft he could only make out every other word. Something to do with asking the horse to lower its head.
When her gaze connected with his, she froze. Her words stopped mid-sentence, and at least two full seconds passed before her back stiffened, and she turned her face away.
She spoke to her daughter again, picking up where she’d left off with her instructions. Was it his imagination or did her voice shake a bit? They were too far away to tell for sure.
The pair rode for a quarter hour longer before coming to the center of the arena to dismount. Katherine climbed down without any assistance, even though she was just a little wisp of a girl and had several feet to drop to the ground.
Josiah met them at the gate and fell into step beside Katie. Maybe she would be a good buffer between him and Mara’s stony gaze.
“Why did you watch me ride, Mr. English?” Katie’s question held all the forthrightness and innocence of youth.
“Well, Miss Katie. Your uncles have told me what a good rider you are, but I have to say I didn’t really believe them. But now I see you’re even better than they said. I can tell your mama’s teaching you everything she knows.” He curled his hand to keep from tweaking her cute little button nose.
The girl beamed, but a quick glance at Mara showed no break in her rock façade.
So he focused his attention on the female in the group that seemed to appreciate his conversation. “What’s your horse’s name?”
“Pepper. She’s going to have a baby in three months.”
He raised his brows. “Really? And do you take care of her?”
Katie’s chin bobbed. “Yes, sir. She’s my special horse.”
They reached the barn then, and Josiah held the door as the two horses and their handlers moved through. He followed Katie until she stopped Pepper in front of the post where a halter hung. After the girl unfastened the girth that strapped the saddle around the horse, he lifted the heavy leather from the mare’s back.
“Where does this one go?”
“I’ll show you.” She skipped over to the wall and touched an empty rail. “Right here.”
As soon as he’d settled the saddle on the wood and draped the damp saddle blanket on top to air out, Katie grabbed his hand and pulled.
“Do you want to see where Pepper’s baby is now?”
It had been a long time since he’d been around a child, and never one as charismatic as her. He couldn’t stop the smile pulling his face as he followed her back to her horse. She showed him the mare’s swollen abdomen, and helped him rub his hand over the protrusion.
“Mr. English, my brother is in the house if you’d like to speak with him.” Mara’s cold tone intruded on their fun, and sent a fresh pang through his chest.
“Actually, I'd like to talk with you first.” He almost added if you don’t mind, but stopped himself. No sense giving her the option of backing out of this conversation. From the solid set of her jaw, she would most likely refuse anyway, and he’d have to do some begging. Whatever it took.
Something flashed in her eyes—something like wariness—and then a veil slipped over them. If only he could read her thoughts. Know what she felt about him now. It seemed anger was a part of it, but could there be any softer emotions left?
Without another look at him, she turned to her daughter. “Katherine, please go put Pepper in the pasture, then ask Uncle Ezra to help you with your sums.”
“Yes, ma’am. Mr. English, are you coming inside, too?”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes, Katie-girl.”
Her face radiated a sunny smile as she led the quiet mare outside.
Josiah and Mara both watched her go until the barn door closed behind her, then Mara pivoted to face him.
“Speak.”
He swallowed a knot in his throat and studied her eyes. Implacable. Lord, please give me the words.
“Mara, I’m sorry for leaving like I did. For hurting you.” He watched her face, but she avoided his gaze. Just kept her focus on some point past his head. He forced himself to keep talking. “I know I messed up. I was confused—about a lot of things. But that’s no excuse. I was stupid.”
His voice grew stronger now. “It took God a while to get my attention. It wasn’t until I started working at the mission with Father Domingo, that I realized I don’t have to control every part of my life.” He forced a chuckle. “It wasn’t ever in my control to begin with. He’s been guiding everything—the good and what I thought was bad. I just didn’t see it.”
He took a small step forward, and she didn’t move. “I get that now, Mara. I’ve worked hard the last four years, and God’s blessed me with enough to start a small ranch. Nothing fancy. Not very big. But it’ll be the start of this next phase of God’s plan. And the best part is, I don’t have to do it alone.” His voice almost cracked on those last words as he poured all the hidden parts of his soul to her. The important things God had taught him, mostly the hard way. He wanted her to know it. To see him as he was now. As he would be when God finished with him.
He stopped to watch her face. The expression hadn’t changed, but a rim of red circled her eyes. What did that mean? Should he ask his next question? He had to chance it. Had to be honest with her.
“Mara, I know I was pretty heartless when I left. But do you think you could ever forgive me?” He held his breath, studying her.
She stood quiet. Didn’t respond, just kept staring into the distance. Seconds passed, maybe even minutes. Had she heard him? Maybe he’d hurt her so much she completely blocked out his words. Or was she so angry, she couldn’t respond? Had he said something terribly wrong? Each moment that passed tightened the knot in his stomach. He should say something more.
But as he searched his mind for something that might help, Mara turned to look at him. For a moment, it seemed like she was seeing him for the first time.
“I don’t know.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper, and filled with a sadness that squeezed his chest.
Her shoulders rose and fell, as if she were taking a deep breath. Then she met his gaze, looking squarely in his eyes. “I forgive you, but that doesn’t take away the pain.”
For a single moment, the mask disappeared from her expression, and the hurt that showed through her eyes twisted his heart. He had to fight to keep from pulling her into his arms. But he couldn’t rush this. Couldn’t mess up this time.
“Mara, I’ll do whatever it takes to prove—”
“I need to get inside,” she interrupted his words. And just like that, the façade was back in place over her features. She turned, untied her horse, and strode out of the barn, half-dragging the animal behind her.
There was nothing to do but stand and watch, a raw ache filling him. Would he be able to heal the hurt he’d caused? Not by himself.
Josiah placed the nail and swung the hammer hard. The crack of metal on metal resounded through the meadow. The nail head seated into the wood in two blows. He’d driven so many nails over the last few weeks, the pounding still echoed through his head during quiet moments.
As he paused his hammer to place another nail, the echo of Abner’s blows from the roof of the barn drifted down to him. They had the structure of the house pretty much finished, thanks to the Reid men who’d been coming to help for half days at a time. Now they were making good progress on the barn.
Another week or so, as long as the weather held, and they’d have everything done that required Abner's help. He’d miss the man’s presence, even though he rarely spoke unless questioned. He’d become a comrade. Put as much sweat into these buildings as Josiah had.
Before hoisting the next board into place, Josiah glanced up at the sun’s position. Still mid-afternoon. This evening he’d take the final payment to Zechariah and pick-up the five mares he’d purchased. Which meant he’d see Mara.
He hadn’t been back over since their conversation in the Reid’s barn last week. It seemed like a good idea to give her some space. A little bit of time to get used to the idea of him being around again. But the image of her pain-filled face haunted him. How could he have been such a heartless cad?
Conviction washed over him, and Josiah sank to his knees right there beside the half-finished barn wall. Oh, Lord. I have a better idea of what I’ve done now. Please, Father, forgive me. Help me make it right. He stayed in that position, his heart lifting its own plea. And then the peace was there, before he even realized. Like a balm over his heart. Thank you. Show me how to make it right. He raised his head to look at the clear blue sky. And, Lord, if it’s not too much to ask. Could you show me how to win her love again?
A smile touched his mouth. He was asking for the impossible, but God could do anything, right?
He finally rose to his feet, picked up the board he’d been holding, and positioned it against the wood posts of the barn wall. What could he do to show Mara he cared? That he was different now.
She’d always been so sweet with the special things she’d done for him, back in those days he rode for the Express. She’d have a warm meal ready when he woke up after an all-night ride. Packed special things in his food bundle when he left on an Express run. Could he do something like that for her now?
He thought through his meager supplies. He only had the bare necessities, although Abner had ridden to South Pass City a couple days ago and brought back more food stuffs. But he still didn’t have a stove, and the campfire wasn't a place to make sumptuous delicacies to win the heart of a fair maiden.
Unless... His mind ran through his supplies. Yes. There should be enough of what he needed.
Excitement coursed through Josiah’s veins as he hammered the last two nails, then put his tools away. Time to start the fire and get the Dutch oven heating. He was making peach cobbler.