I gave up believing in God a long time ago. Probably around the time my mother died. I couldn’t understand how any god, who my teachers described to me as loving and caring, would take a mammy away from their only child. And if that is hard to get my head around, I sure as hell can’t understand how any god would let what is going to happen next happen.
Nonetheless, sitting in the living room of my childhood home, holding hands with my husband and waiting for the police to arrive, I can’t help but offer up a silent prayer.
Please, I beg, please just make this nightmare end. Alex is not a bad man. Alex doesn’t have it in him to be a bad man. ‘Please, God,’ I beg, ‘don’t take someone else I love from me.’
Ciara is restless. She is pacing up and down the living room, chewing on her thumbnail. It’s doing nothing to soothe my nerves. She’s looking a little manic again. Then again, I’m feeling a little manic myself right now. She jumps with every noise. Alex is silent, but he is wringing his hands. The only person daring to make a sound is Lily, who has started to fuss as if the tension is nipping at her, too.
I jump when I hear a car pull up, and again when I hear the car doors slam.
‘It’s DC King and DC Black,’ Ciara says as if it could be anyone else. ‘I’ll let them in,’ she says and I turn to Alex, tell him I love him and we’ll get through this. That he did nothing wrong and they’re bound to find that out in time. The coroner has made a mistake. Something was very wrong with Joe when he died and yes, Alex was there, but he didn’t kill him. Not calling for help is not the same as killing someone.
He squeezes my hand back and tells me he loves me too, and that he’s sorry.
That’s all we have time for before the two police officers come into the room, followed by Ciara.
‘Alex, Heidi,’ DC King says, nodding her head in greeting.
‘Do you mind if we sit down?’ DC King asks.
‘Not at all,’ I say, and I can hear the tremor in my voice.
I can feel a panic attack threaten. This is worse than anything I could’ve imagined.
DC Black is the next to speak.
‘You’ve asked us to come here because you say you have more information for us about what happened here on the night Joe died.’
Alex coughs, a little nervous splutter. ‘Erm, I need a glass of water,’ he says and Ciara says she’ll fetch one. ‘My mouth is very dry,’ he explains. ‘Really it’s me who wanted to talk to you.’
‘It’s okay, Alex. Take your time,’ DC King says.
I like her. She’s friendly. A gentle soul. I don’t know how long she’ll stay friendly or gentle for, though.
‘Should we maybe get a solicitor?’ I ask Alex suddenly. I’m nervous about how this will go down.
Alex shakes his head. ‘I’ve nothing to hide. Not any more.’
I can’t help but think of all the things that have been hidden. If I’d told him before now, on my own terms, would I have had the strength to break contact with Joe altogether? Would this even have happened? Oh God, it hurts that this is my fault. I’ll never forgive myself.
DC King speaks. ‘If you think that a solicitor would help, then by all means we can arrange one or you can call a solicitor of your choosing. If you decide to proceed without one, you can request one at any stage, if what you’re going to tell us is that serious,’ she says. ‘You may want to continue this conversation down at the station. Just so we make sure it’s all recorded properly. We will have to caution you, which isn’t to say we’ll charge you without anything.’ She pauses. ‘Do you think it’s that kind of information, Alex?’ she asks.
I can’t stop the tears from falling.
‘I think it might be,’ he says slowly. ‘I know I should’ve told you this before. I was scared. I’m sorry. I was with Joe when he died. It was me.’
I see DC Black sit up and take notice. There’s something about him that reminds me of an over-eager watchdog. DC King shows more subtlety in her responses.
‘Okay,’ she says softly before launching into an official caution.
Words I’ve heard a thousand times on the TV but never dreamed I would hear in real life:
‘You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned, something that you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.’
‘You’re entitled to have a solicitor present. Do you have someone you use or would you like us to arrange one?’
Alex shrugs. We’ve never had use for a solicitor before, save for the conveyancing of our house, and that’s hardly anywhere near the same level.
‘I know a good solicitor,’ Ciara chimes in, handing him his glass of water. She takes a deep breath, turns to the two police officers. ‘You have to know this about my father,’ she says. ‘He was not a nice man. He was not a good man. He did things …’ she pauses. ‘We can prove he did things … He confessed, in his diary. I’m sure your SOCO team took it with them?’
‘We can certainly check that,’ DC Black says.
‘What kind of things?’ DC King asks.
I can’t look at her in the eye. Ciara is, as always, stronger than I am.
‘He abused us, Heidi and me. For years,’ she says.
If DC King is shocked her face doesn’t show it. ‘Then it’s a shame he was never brought before the courts,’ she says, and while she’s right, the message is clear. Vigilante justice is no justice at all.
‘Yes,’ Ciara says. ‘It is a shame. A crying shame. It’s a shame he wasn’t hauled before the courts a very long time ago, but he was a very manipulative man. Clever. He had us all scared to speak. He was very controlling.’
‘I didn’t know about it,’ Alex blurts. ‘Until that night, I didn’t know. I only saw it in the diary. Where he wrote it. Heidi hadn’t told me.’
Guilt wraps its way around my heart and pulls tight. It’s a physical pain unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. This time, I am to blame.
‘I think maybe this really is a conversation we’d best continue at the station, don’t you, Mr Lewis?’ DC King says.
Alex nods.
‘Would you like to come with us, please?’
I know it’s not a question, not really. Alex will be going with them. In the back of an unmarked car.
‘No!’ Ciara says, and I look up at her. ‘This isn’t really necessary, is it? It isn’t right. Alex says when he went in to see my father he was barely breathing. Gargling. And then he stopped. Alex didn’t call for help, but you said my father was suffocated. All the evidence pointed to that. It pointed to someone putting something over his head and smothering him.’
The two officers exchange looks.
‘I didn’t do that,’ Alex says. ‘I didn’t hold anything over his face. I swear. He was taking very shallow breaths. I should’ve called for help, but I was so angry I didn’t. I should’ve. I should’ve turned the evidence over to the police. I know he was very ill, but he should’ve faced some sort of justice. Proper justice.’
‘We really should continue this at the station,’ DC Black says as he starts to guide Alex out of the house, and I watch my husband being led towards a police car.