‘I’m sorry if I scared you.’
It was offered so sincerely and with such feeling that Adam found himself replying:
‘No harm done.’
It was a pathetic response and entirely untruthful, as Kassie had nearly got herself killed this morning, but he couldn’t bring himself to reprimand her.
‘I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t thinking straight –’
‘It’s ok. I understand.’
Once again, she shot a heart-breaking look of gratitude at Adam. He noticed for the first time in their brief relationship that she was happy to look him squarely in the eye. Guilt, it seemed, was helping her overcome her natural timidity and suspicion.
‘Would you like to stay for a while? Have a soda? Watch some TV? I’m done for the day, so …’
‘No, it’s ok, I can’t stay. I just wanted to apologize.’
Adam had been seeing his four o’clock out, when he’d noticed Kassie, standing across the road, her hands in her pockets. She looked ill at ease, hopping from one foot to the other, but wasted no time in hurrying across to him, once his client had departed. He’d immediately ushered her inside, away from prying eyes.
‘You’ve nothing to apologize for. As I said before, it was my fault for not listening properly, for not responding appropriately.’
Kassie shrugged, but didn’t contradict him. Once more Adam felt a surge of sympathy for this awkward, isolated teenager. What a curse it was to be different.
‘But I’d like to try again, if you’d agree to that. No charge, as I said before.’
‘You want me to be your guinea pig?’ Kassie responded, her tone hard to read.
‘No, just another client.’
This seemed to please her.
‘Then, ok. I just want …’
‘Yes?’
‘I just want someone to try to understand.’
‘Of course.’
‘And to help me maybe. I know it’s difficult – that I’m not … normal – but it’s so hard. I feel like I’m always alone … but never alone. Like there’s a little bit of everybody else inside me …’
Adam looked at her, but said nothing.
‘If I was a good person, a strong person …’ she continued falteringly, ‘I’d talk to all of them. Tell them that … that time wasn’t on their side and they should kiss their kids. Or that it was and that they should buy that car, that house –’
‘That’s not your responsibility, Kassie. Whatever you feel, whatever you think you see, that’s not your job.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘Of course not. Your only responsibility is to yourself, to making sure that you’re ok.’
Kassie didn’t look convinced, so Adam continued:
‘Think about it, Kassie. Even if you could help all these people, how would you choose? There are millions of people in Chicago alone.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘It’s true. And it’s not fair for you to take the weight of their lives upon your shoulders.’
‘But what if that’s my fate? What if that’s what I was born to do? Others have tried …’
‘Such as?’
‘Relatives,’ Kassie replied evasively. ‘People who’ve come before …’
There must have been something – surprise? Scepticism? – in Adam’s expression, for a frown passed across Kassie’s face.
‘Do you believe me?’ she suddenly said, quietly.
‘I believe you believe it,’ Adam said carefully. ‘And I’d like to explore what that means.’
It was an artful reply, but was true nevertheless. On balance, he believed she probably was gripped by some form of magical thinking, the belief that she could alter the world around her through her own thoughts, but for her sake he was prepared to keep an open mind, to work with her to root out the cause of her affliction.
‘Thank you,’ she murmured.
Once more Adam was struck by how sad she looked. He was about to reassure her further when suddenly his cell phone started ringing on his desk. He darted a look at it – Faith. Instinctively, he moved to answer it – he monitored his phone constantly now that their due date was drawing near – then thinking better of it, he rejected the call, switching the phone to silent. He turned back to the teenager, only to find her staring directly at him.
‘I don’t want to be “cured”,’ she continued quickly. ‘I don’t want to be humoured.’
‘You have my word on that,’ Adam promised. ‘And perhaps over time we’ll understand what you’re experiencing a little better. We can take as long as you like and, who knows, maybe we can straighten things out with your mom, the cops, even your principal, so you can go to the prom, get drunk, have a good summer …’
He had meant to raise a smile, but suddenly Kassie looked anguished. Dropping her gaze, she began to pick at her nails, refusing to look at him.
‘What’s up, Kassie? Did I say the wrong thing?’
Kassie didn’t respond, shooting a quick look at the door instead.
‘Is it school? Did I –’
‘It’s not that. It’s not that at all.’
‘What then?’
Even as he spoke, an awful suspicion crept over him. And as he looked at this lonely, sad child, he suddenly felt he knew exactly what she was thinking.
‘You don’t think you have time, do you? That’s what’s worry—’
Kassie nodded. Adam stared at her, suddenly very concerned. Instinctively, he took a step towards her.
‘Kassie, have you seen your own death?’
‘Of course.’
‘And how … how do you die?’
It was a crazy question, but one he had to ask. If Kassie believed her own death was imminent, he needed to know.
‘I’m murdered.’
Two simple words that took his breath his way. Not for the content – though that was shocking enough – but more for the conviction with which they were uttered. For a few seconds, silence gripped them both, then finally, falteringly, he found his voice once more:
‘And do you know … do you know who kills you?’
An awful, elongated pause, then slowly Kassie raised her head and said:
‘You do.’