Morning sunlight crept through the gap in the curtains, illuminating a sombre scene. Natalia sat alone on her daughter’s neatly made bed, feverishly fingering her rosary beads, as she stared at the floor. She was angry with her daughter, embarrassed, aggrieved, but, above all else, she was worried. Kassie hadn’t come home last night.
What on earth was she up to? Where was she? She had no friends to speak of, no family that she was close to, so who had summoned her? She certainly hadn’t needed asking twice, tearing from the church without a backward look. Did she have a boyfriend? Or a new girlfriend from one of the numerous help groups she’d attended over the years? Or was it possible that it was that psychologist, who had done nothing so far but encourage Kassie in her delusions, who’d called her last night? She suspected the latter, though for now of course she had no way of knowing.
Rising, Natalia crossed to the windows, drawing back the curtains and scanning the street for the fifth time that morning. Having waited up until 2 a.m., Natalia had eventually gone to bed, reasoning that Kassie had stayed out late before. But as the clock crept round to 4 a.m., 5 a.m., then 6, Natalia had given up on sleep, calling Kassie’s cell phone once more, before dressing and hurrying out to check the street for any sign of her errant daughter.
Disappointed, she had retreated to Kassie’s bedroom, hoping to find some clue as to her whereabouts, but there was nothing. Just the usual dirty clothes on the floor, the school textbooks carelessly scattered on the makeshift desk. And there she’d remained, waiting … hoping that Kassie would reappear. But there was no sign of her. Was she alive? Dead? In trouble? Natalia felt sure she would know if something bad had happened to her, she would feel it in her bones, and the fact that she didn’t provided her with some small crumb of comfort. But, beyond that, she couldn’t say what might have happened to her. Should she call the police? Surely not, after all the recent problems with the authorities. At the very least, she would have to contact Kassie’s school to account for her absence – but this was not a phone call she was looking forward to. They were already skating on very thin ice with Principal Harrison as it was.
Natalia slumped down on the bed, suddenly robbed of energy and hope. And as she lowered herself on to the sagging mattress, something caught her eye. A framed photo on the side of the bed. It was of a young Kassie with her parents, beaming happily as Wrigley Park stretched out behind her. A maelstrom of emotions stirred in Natalia’s breast – joy, pride, regret, all wrapped up in a deep sadness. She had tried so hard with Kassie. Knowing full well that she was not the most demonstrative person, she had gone out of her way to offer her precious baby affection. Dressing her nicely, feeding her well, taking her on trips when they could afford it. After Mikolaj’s death, it had been much harder of course – she’d had to work several jobs just to survive and was often too tired to engage with her difficult, unknowable child – but still she’d tried, determined not to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Natalia’s own childhood had been troubled and lonely – her mother was a troubled woman who’d eventually lost her wits, but not before having reared six children. Right from the off, she’d had her favourites, and Natalia was not one of them. Aleksy, the blond, blue-eyed boy and Emilka, her wilful, beguiling eldest daughter, were the apples of her eye. Both had died before reaching adolescence, but while they were alive, everyone else had had to wait in line. This neglect had left its mark on Natalia and she’d determined to do things differently. She had only one child, so it was easier of course, but she had tried to make Kassie feel wanted and cared for, while also teaching her the correct way to live. How to be polite, useful, obedient, respectful of the church and her forebears.
And what had been her reward? Disobedience, rejection, isolation. She had tried to give her daughter the love she’d never had, but had received nothing in return. Which is why she now found herself sitting alone on her daughter’s bed – sad, confused and scared.