In his worst nightmares, Adam had never imagined himself having to do this. It all seemed so unreal – horrifically unreal – and he now regretted volunteering to take on this burden alone.
It had seemed the right thing to do at the time, the logical thing, but medical training only takes you so far. The cold logic of illness and death is easy to grasp in principle, but harder to experience for yourself. It can be tough dealing with strangers who are in pain – Adam had often found himself in that situation – but it was nothing compared to dealing with someone you care for, someone you love. Adam could still picture Faith’s ashen, tear-stained face, as he’d raced into the labour ward that night, blustering his apologies and excuses. She had looked stunned, blank, as if she’d just been in an accident. In reality, she was in shock, still in denial that life could be so merciless, brutal and cruel.
Since then she had pushed through the shock to copious, unrestrained despair, then bitterness and anger and now … well, where was she now? She had been solicitous this morning, perhaps regretting their awkward exchange last night, and though they had not spoken much, they had at least held each other, wordlessly clinging together as the sun came up. To him, it seemed as if she was now deep in full-blown grief which, in the long term, might be no bad thing. He, he had to admit, was nowhere near this. He was still in shock, barely processing the events that had rocked his world during the last few days.
‘Take your time. Whenever you’re ready.’
He looked up to see the hospital administrator smiling sympathetically at him.
‘Sorry, I …’
‘There’s no rush, Dr Brandt. No rush at all.’
Smiling tightly back at her, Adam looked down at the form in front of him, the pen in his hand. It was the simplest of tasks – just a signature on the dotted line – but suddenly it seemed the hardest thing in the world. The hospital needed his permission to release Annabelle’s body, and of course he would provide it, but he hesitated now. Oddly, he had drawn some comfort from the fact that she had been safe and secure in Rush University Medical Center, a hospital he knew well. By signing the form, he would release her little body to the undertakers and the grim process would begin – the funeral preparations, the ceremony, the wake. And suddenly he didn’t want any part of it – it all seemed so final. A giant full stop to their hopes and dreams.
Tears threatened now, as an image of Annabelle came to him. She was nestled in his arms, looking up at him with that glassy, benign expression, as if she had just zoned out for a minute. It was a memory he clung to, even though it caused him the deepest pain. Standing here in the relatives’ room, flanked by a well-meaning stranger, Adam realized that he had taken none of their misfortune on board, that his despair was still waiting to erupt. But he would not do it here, not in front of a woman he barely knew. So, scrawling his signature on the form, he handed it back.
He had to remain strong. For himself. For Faith. And for Annabelle too.