“So how are we going to work?” Todd asked me. We were walking hand in hand, strolling through the downtown streets after the show.
The show itself had been an amazing experience. We watched as people of all backgrounds came together in one space to share their struggles through poetry. It made me realize that oppression had many forms, but the feelings it caused were the same. I had left feeling stronger, knowing that I could also use my life to become my own person.
We were heading towards Dundas Square. A part of my mind registered mild surprise at the swarms of people around me at nine at night.
I was a bit surprised by Todd’s question, unsure of what he meant. Seeing my confused expression he went on, “I mean if we are going to date and I can’t be seen with you in public. How long do we have to be a secret?”
“It’s not that we can’t be seen in public. It’s just that we have to be careful about how we act around each other.”
“So . . . no public displays of affection?”
I nodded. I hoped the look on my face told him how much I regretted that.
“Damn.” He pondered for a bit before he spoke again. “But why, though? There are a lot of other girls from your culture in school. And I know that they are not shy about getting affectionate in public.”
I shrugged. “Dating is not the issue. It’s the fact that you’re not Tamil. Dating outside of the culture seems to get a few people’s panties in a knot. Especially since I’m a girl. It’s even worse because of the cultural stigma the girl has to bear. Boys can pretty much date whomever they please, even have sex. But girls are to carry the honour of the family.”
“Seriously?” His eyes were wide in disbelief. “So if you’re caught dating a white guy then . . .”
“I’m pretty much branded a whore by people outside my immediate family. Even if we’re not sleeping together.”
He let out a low whistle. “That’s no pressure,” he said jokingly. I let out a laugh.
“Don’t get me wrong, there are Tamil women who date outside of their culture. It’s nothing new. But it’s especially bad with my parents. It’s another drama because they’re so strict with me. I’m a teenager and they might think I’m rebelling, which would be like the world ending to them. Maybe when I’m older, they’ll leave me alone. But definitely not now.”
“Since we’re not in Scarborough anymore, I doubt we’ll run into anyone your parents know. So I guess I can do this.” Todd stopped and pulled me closer to him, his arms wrapping around my waist as our eyes locked. He smiled at me and I smiled back, knowing exactly what he was going to do. My hands laced around his neck and I gently caressed the back of his head with my fingers. He brought his face down until his lips met mine. His lips were soft. The warmth of them sent what felt like an electric current down my spine. I pressed my body closer to his and he held me tighter as our kiss deepened.
And just like that the kiss was over. What happened? Why did he stop? Suddenly I became aware of our surroundings. Still holding me, Todd leaned his forehead to mine. His eyes closed as I stared at the gold zipper of his jacket.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
“Yeah . . . I just . . .” he swallowed, his eyes still closed, “I just need a second.”
“What’s wrong?” I was worried. I tried to pull away but he clutched me tighter.
“Unless you want everyone in Yonge Dundas Square to see what kind of effect you have on me, I think it’s best for you to stay put. At least until I can calm down some parts of me.”
“Wha . . . ?” As realization dawned on me, I stared at him, my mouth wide open. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. But I didn’t feeling anything —”
“What did you think you would feel?” he asked.
I clamped my hand over my mouth, completely mortified. “No! That’s not what I meant. I mean, it’s not like I know what it feels like, but it’s just . . . I don’t know.” My incoherent babbling was not helping, so I decided to just stop. “I-I’m just going to shut up now,” I said finally, looking down, feeling dejected.
I heard him chuckle. When I looked up, I saw his eyes were filled with amusement. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek, then grabbed my hand and pulled me to walk beside him. “Come on. Let’s go. We need to get you home before your parents start to freak.”
The drive back to the school parking lot seemed incredibly short. I knew I had to get home, but I wanted to spend more time with Todd. More time we didn’t have to worry about people reporting on us back to my parents. Putting the car in park, Todd turned to look at me. “So, when am I going to see you again?”
“On Monday at school. Unless you want me to dish out more insults about your manhood sooner than that,” I responded cheekily.
He grinned. His fingers smoothed the hair from my face. “You can insult me anytime.”
I leaned forward to give him a quick kiss on the lips. As I went to pull away he brought me closer to him and kissed me again, this time longer and deeper. I groaned as his hands buried themselves in my hair. I felt my heart race and my hormones rage out of control. I knew if I stayed any longer things might get out of hand. So I quickly broke away. I put my hand on his chest to gently push him away.
“I have to go.” My voice was barely audible as I tried to get my body under control.
He nodded reluctantly. “So I’ll see you Monday first thing. Can you meet me a bit earlier than classes start?”
“Sure why?”
“Just because . . .” he trailed off.
With one final kiss, I got out of his car and made my way home.