Key Three: Accepting Personality and Other Differences
Understanding Our Unique Design
Do you ever wonder why your husband does what he does? For that matter, maybe you’re not even sure why you do what you do! Perhaps you’ve never given much thought to understanding your husband, much less yourself. Or maybe you’re well aware of your own personality but aren’t so sure about your husband’s.
What first attracts us to our spouses is often a personality quality we admire or find exciting. We may even find ourselves drawn to a quality that differs significantly from the way we’re designed. In many cases, opposites really do attract.
But as I (Erin) mentioned earlier, after Greg and I married, I discovered that we had a hard time seeing eye to eye because we were so different. We had different personalities, different habits, different likes and dislikes. We did laundry differently, spent our free time differently, and had differing opinions. Differences that never seemed to be an obstacle when we were dating suddenly drove a wedge between us and pushed us to the brink of separation. The differences in our personalities that once attracted us to each other began to irritate and confuse us.
Whether you and your husband clash like plaids and polka dots or are cut out of the same cloth, no marriage is blissfully free of irritation or conflict over personality differences. Having the grace to accept personality differences in your marriage is vital to a more loving relationship.
But how can we, as wholehearted wives, learn to accept these differences if we have only a vague or incomplete understanding of our husbands’ personalities, or our own?
Encarta Dictionary, defines personality as “the totality of somebody’s attitudes, interests, behavioral patterns, emotional responses, social roles, and other individual traits that endure over long periods of time.” That definition alone tells us that personality isn’t a simplistic notion. God designed each of us with amazing intricacy. We truly are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14)! But in all of our complexity, it’s no wonder we find it difficult to understand our spouses and ourselves.
In this chapter we’ll explore the concept of personality, learn more about ourselves and our spouses, and discuss ways to bridge the gap between our differences. Understanding both your husband’s personality and your own will give you a deeper appreciation for who God has uniquely created you both to be, even when your husband’s behavior confuses or irritates you.
Understanding Yourself
Until I was in college, I (Erin) had no idea of the value of understanding my own personality. Actually, I couldn’t have described my personality if you’d asked me. I hadn’t ever stopped to reflect on my attitudes, typical emotions, or behavior patterns —even though they were certainly part of me. But as a college sophomore at Grand Canyon University, I had the chance to gain some insight into my personality strengths and weaknesses.
I began dating Greg’s roommate that year and, ironically, soon discovered that Greg’s sister, Kari, had dated him the previous year. Kari was quite curious about this new girl who was dating her ex-boyfriend, so she began reaching out to me. We had many lunch dates over teriyaki chicken and California rolls and quickly discovered that we actually enjoyed each other.
Over lunch one day, Kari suggested I take a personality test that her dad was using in his speaking and counseling ministry. I had never heard of such a test, but this new friend seemed to have my best interests at heart, so I decided to take her advice and learn more about my personality.
Later that afternoon Kari showed up at my apartment with the test and told me to stay in my bedroom until I completed it. After I finished, Kari tallied up the results and proudly announced that I was a combination of an Otter and a Golden Retriever. Was this some cruel joke? Was Kari really calling me a small, aquatic animal with some dog thrown in? But as she began to describe the Otter and the Golden Retriever personalities to me, I felt years of questioning melt away. You see, I was adopted as an infant and often felt that I was somehow wired very differently from others in my family. While I couldn’t put my finger on it, I had actually arrived at the conclusion that there was something wrong with me.
Now, after years of doubting myself, I suddenly had an explanation for why I was the way I was. There wasn’t anything wrong with me; I simply had a different personality than my mom or dad. When Kari explained that this was how God made me, utter relief flowed through me. It was really a life-changing moment.
When you understand your own personality, you gain insight into your strengths and growth areas. You also learn what a balanced life looks like for you individually and in your marriage.
I’d like to encourage you to take the following assessment to better understand your own personality.[1] You’ll be surprised at how much you’ll learn about yourself in a few short minutes. As you’ll see, everyone generally exhibits some characteristics from each of the personality types, but one or two dominating traits usually characterize behavior.
Keep in mind that this is not an all-or-nothing inventory. Behavior can’t always be neatly categorized and labeled. But giving some thought to how we typically act, respond, and feel allows us to gain understanding into ourselves and our spouses. The assessment also gives us word pictures and vocabulary to use to more easily discuss the complicated aspects of personality.
Discover Your Personality Profile
Beginning with column 1, work your way through each section, marking your responses in the spaces provided. Use the following scale to identify the degree to which each characteristic or behavior most accurately describes how you relate to your loved ones.
0 = not at all / 1 = somewhat / 2 = mostly / 3 = very much
I |
II |
III |
IV |
__ Likes control |
__ Enthusiastic |
__ Sensitive |
__ Consistent |
__ Confident |
__ Visionary |
__ Calm |
__ Reserved |
__ Firm |
__ Energetic |
__ Non-demanding |
__ Practical |
__ Likes challenge |
__ Promoter |
__ Enjoys routine |
__ Factual |
__ Problem solver |
__ Moves easily |
__ Relational |
__ Perfectionistic |
__ Bold |
__ Fun-loving |
__ Adaptable |
__ Detailed |
__ Goal driven |
__ Spontaneous |
__ Thoughtful |
__ Inquisitive |
__ Strong-willed |
__ Likes new ideas |
__ Patient |
__ Persistent |
__ Self-reliant |
__ Optimistic |
__ Good listener |
__ Sensitive |
__ Persistent |
__ Takes risks |
__ Loyal |
__ Accurate |
__ Takes charge |
__ Motivator |
__ Even-keeled |
__ Controlled |
__ Determined |
__ Very verbal |
__ Gives in |
__ Predictable |
__ Enterprising |
__ Friendly |
__ Indecisive |
__ Orderly |
__ Competitive |
__ Popular |
__ Dislikes change |
__ Conscientious |
__ Enjoys variety |
__ Dry humor |
__ Discerning |
|
__ Purposeful |
__ Group oriented |
__ Sympathetic |
__ Analytical |
__ Adventurous |
__ Initiator |
__ Nurturing |
__ Precise |
__ Independent |
__ Inspirational |
__ Tolerant |
__ Scheduled |
__ Action oriented |
__ Likes change |
__ Peacemaker |
__ Deliberate |
__ Total |
__ Total |
__ Total |
__ Total |
Now add up the total in each column. The highest score indicates your dominant personality type.
Discover the Value of Your Personality
Relational Strengths
Lion |
Otter |
Golden Retriever |
Beaver |
|
Takes charge Problem solver Competitive Enjoys change Confrontational |
Optimistic Energetic Motivator Future oriented |
Warm and relational Loyal Enjoys routine Peacemaker Sensitive feelings |
Accurate and precise Quality control Discerning Analytical |
Strengths Out of Balance
Lion |
Otter |
Golden Retriever |
Beaver |
|
Too direct or impatient Too busy Cold-blooded Impulsive or takes big risks Insensitive to others |
Unrealistic or daydreamer Impatient or overbearing Manipulator or pushy Avoids details or lacks follow-through |
Attracts the hurting Missed opportunities Stays in a rut Sacrifices own feelings for harmony Easily hurt or holds a grudge |
Too critical or too strict Too controlling Too negative toward new opportunities Loses overview |
Communication Style
Lion |
Otter |
Golden Retriever |
Beaver |
|
Direct or blunt One-way |
Can inspire others Optimistic or enthusiastic One-way |
Indirect Two-way Great listener |
Factual Two-way Great listener |
Weakness: Not as good a listener |
Weakness: High energy can manipulate others |
Weakness: Uses too many words or provides too many details |
Weakness: Desire for detail and precision can frustrate others |
Relational Needs
Lion |
Otter |
Golden Retriever |
Beaver |
|
Personal attention and recognition for what they do Areas where he or she can be in charge Opportunity to solve problems Freedom to change Challenging activities |
Approval Opportunity to verbalize Visibility Social recognition |
Emotional security Agreeable environment |
Quality Exact expectations |
Relational Balance
Lion |
Otter |
Golden Retriever |
Beaver |
|
Add softness Become a great listener |
Be attentive to spouse’s needs There is such a thing as too much optimism |
Learn to say no; establish emotional boundaries Learn to confront when own feelings are hurt |
Total support is not always possible Thorough explanation isn’t everything |
As you completed this short assessment, I’m hoping that you had some moments of understanding yourself a little bit better. You may have already had a general understanding of your personality. However, it’s always helpful to revisit your temperament strengths and weaknesses and keep in mind how you were “knit together.”
The Benefits of Understanding Your Personality
As I (Erin) mentioned earlier, understanding my personality profile set me free from a lot of turmoil and confusion about myself. What a relief it was to find out that I was simply different from my family members —and that these differences were okay, even good and God designed. Understanding my personality helped me accept myself and become more aware of my strengths and growth areas. Knowing how God designed me has also enabled me to enhance my strengths and work on my growth areas.
Let’s look at some of the benefits of understanding our personalities.
Balancing Your Strengths and Growth Areas
Understanding ourselves enables us to recognize more quickly when a personality trait is getting out of balance. Most of us are painfully aware of the times our weaknesses (growth areas) become unbalanced, but how can our strengths get out of balance?
Balancing Your Response to Stress
Stress can often cause us to function in an out-of-balance mode, and as wives and moms, we don’t seem to be lacking in the stress department. As a matter of fact, a new study just released from The Barna Group (www.Barna.org) found that 72 percent of married women report feeling stressed out.[2] The more pressure we feel, the more we look for a coping mechanism. And that coping mechanism can often be tied to a personality strength —something that feels comfortable, soothing, or refreshing.
When we understand our personalities and how we tend to cope with stress, we can take steps to deal with it in healthier ways. Some of us turn to comfort food when we’re stressed, but often our cravings for comfort are cloaking a need for connection with people. I (Erin) tend to cope with stress by becoming more extroverted and social. But knowing that this trait can swing to an extreme under stress helps me seek out connection without driving my introverted husband crazy.
Without exception, our weaknesses are simply a reflection of our personality strengths being pushed to an extreme.
—Dr. John Trent
By understanding ourselves better, we can recognize when a personality trait is swinging to an extreme under stress. One of the first steps in dealing with an out-of-balance stress response is noticing when it’s happening. The best thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is to recognize the warning signs and deal with stress in healthier, more balanced ways.
Accepting Yourself the Way God Does
Two of the biggest lies the Evil One whispers in our ears are “You aren’t good enough” and “You don’t really matter.” Our culture echoes those lies, bombarding us with messages that tell us we’re not smart enough, beautiful enough, talented enough, good enough —you name it. Even our personalities don’t seem to measure up. We think we need to be more and do more to be acceptable to others, including God. No wonder we have such a hard time accepting ourselves!
Taylor (Greg and Erin’s daughter) posted this on Facebook a few months into her freshman year of college:
This past month and a half, I have constantly been learning that I am simply not good enough. I am not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, etc. But I’ve also been learning that the beauty of grace is found in this: I have never nor will I ever be called to do or be any of these things. All I will ever be called to do is love God, love others, and love myself enough to let go of my expectations and standards and allow Him to take care of the rest. I’m incredibly thankful to be learning to find all of my hope, joy, love and strength in these truths instead of in myself or in this world. My God is so good.
When I (Erin) saw her post, my first thought was, I wish I’d “got it” like that when I was eighteen years old. And my second thought was, I hope I’ll grasp it at forty-four years of age!
The insight I’ve gained into my own personality over the years has been a significant step of growth in my life! Understanding myself has cleared away the confusion and self-doubt I felt for so long and has enabled me to begin accepting myself the way God does.
I can’t encourage you enough to understand the way God designed you and to embrace your strengths and growth areas. Sin makes us all unworthy, but God has declared you worthy in Jesus Christ. Accept yourself as a person of unique value to God simply because He created you and loves you.[3] You are a complete package —imperfect but beautiful!
Understanding Your Husband
Have you ever met a woman who entered marriage hoping that her husband would never change? Maybe a few of them exist out there somewhere, but it seems that the majority of us hope we can smooth a few of our husbands’ rough edges after the wedding. Let’s be honest. We think, A little tweak here and there surely couldn’t hurt anyone. When we marry, the personality traits we adored when we were dating sometimes become as irritating as the sound of fingernails scratching on a chalkboard. We determine that our husbands need a little work to become, well . . . more like us! We may not realize that’s our agenda, but all too often it is. After all, what’s not to like about our personalities? Why wouldn’t our husbands want to add a few of our finer qualities to their personality profile?
When we’re dating, we’re often attracted to the qualities that make our future husbands different from us. Even if a couple has shared values and similar interests, gender traits and temperament differences make the other person seem fascinating. These differences make a relationship more exciting and conversations more stimulating. We eagerly soak up new details about each other. We relish the nuances and explore the vast depths of our interests and experiences as if we’re digging for buried treasure.
As the popular adage goes, “Variety is the spice of life.” The more variety, the better . . . when we’re dating, that is. But after we marry, differences can suddenly become sources of frustration and conflict. The appreciation we may once have felt for our spouses’ unique qualities may give way to confusion, irritation, and criticism. Love may be overshadowed by anger. Disrespect may replace honor. Control may destroy freedom. We may wonder what happened to the men we married. When we fell in love, they seemed perfect. When we married, they needed only a little tweaking here and there. But as our differences begin to wear thin, we may conclude that our husbands need a complete overhaul!
Wanting to change our husbands after we marry may result from the realization that marriage isn’t the dream life we thought it would be. We may not have anticipated that our personality differences would rub us the wrong way or drive us to criticize, nag, and argue. Perhaps we never envisioned that marriage would give us such a strong dose of reality.
The antidote to our disillusionment is seeking to understand our husbands’ personalities better. We need to renew our appreciation for the qualities we valued when we were first getting to know each other. We need to view our spouses as treasured gifts. Accepting and valuing our personality differences are important keys to more loving relationships with our spouses and ultimately becoming more wholehearted wives.
With that in mind, let’s explore the benefits of understanding our husbands’ personalities:
1. Loving our husbands more fully and compassionately. How can understanding your husband’s personality help you love him more fully? The truth is, gaining greater insight into how God made your husband should soften your heart toward him and help you view him with more compassion. During stressful times in your marriage, understanding why he does what he does can help you walk through conflicts with grace and forgiveness.
It can be tempting to use our knowledge about our husbands as ammunition against them. But rather than fueling criticism and rejection, understanding their personalities should strengthen our love for them. Remember, even though God knows everything about you (Psalm 139), good and bad, His love for you is filled with grace and compassion (Psalm 103:8–18). Ask God to help you see your husband through His eyes of love as you seek to understand him better.
2. Knowing our husbands more intimately. A number of years ago, I (Greg) learned an interesting mnemonic device —one of those little words or sayings that helps you remember facts or, in my case, the meaning of a word. When you say the word intimacy slowly, it sounds a little like “into-me-see.” Isn’t that a great way to think of the meaning of the word?
Intimacy has to do with seeing deeply into another person, knowing him or her at more than just a surface level. God has placed within each of us the longing to be deeply known. God Himself knows everything about us (Psalm 139:1). He knew us before we were conceived in the womb, and He is familiar with all our ways (Jeremiah 1:4–5; Psalm 139:3).
As Erin’s husband, I want her to know and understand me intimately. In the blockbuster movie Avatar, the alien Na’vi people would greet one another by saying, “I see you.” That’s what I want in our marriage —for Erin to see me. That means looking past the superficial masks I may wear and the behaviors that frustrate her and seeing the real me.
One of the best ways to know your husband more intimately is asking him to take the personality assessment presented earlier in the chapter. Make sure to tell him that this will allow you to better understand his strengths and meet his needs. If Erin said something like this to me, I’d take a personality inventory anytime! However, if your husband is deeply opposed to taking the assessment or you don’t feel you can approach him about it at this point in your relationship, then don’t. Instead, spend some time reflecting on the inventory, thinking about the characteristics or words that best describe him. Although the results will reflect your perceptions of his personality rather than his, it’s a starting point that will help you understand him more deeply.
If your husband agrees to take the assessment and is open to sharing the results with you, offer to share yours with him as well. By gaining insight and understanding into how God designed your husband, you’ll come to know him more intimately as a person, and you’ll deepen the intimacy in your relationship.
3. Seeing our husbands’ value. I (Greg) know that at times my Golden Retriever personality frustrates my wife. There are plenty of times when, as an introvert, I avoid being around other people and would rather just be alone. I also have a pretty laid-back attitude that says, “Whatever” —which basically means “Who cares about the details?”
I’m not a big risk taker, and I like routine. In fact, I would much rather stay at home than go out. I like watching television and playing video games with the kids. And yet in spite of all my preferences and quirks, somehow, someway Erin sees my value. She’s like the person William Arthur Ward described when he said, “A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.”
4. Recognizing our husbands’ strengths. It’s human nature to focus on weaknesses rather than strengths and to complain about what’s wrong with others instead of what’s right. As a wife and a friend and a counselor, I (Erin) see that sometimes we women all too often squelch our husbands’ growth by nitpicking at their flaws and failings. The book of Proverbs says that living on the “corner of a roof” or in a desert is better than living with a “quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9, 19). When we focus on our husbands’ weaknesses, we miss out on the opportunity to encourage them to excel at their strengths.
Author and pastor Chuck Swindoll shared a story he once read that illustrates the importance of recognizing our husbands’ God-given strengths and encouraging them to use those natural strengths and abilities to their fullest potential.
It seems that some animals started a school and decided to take the same courses. The curriculum included flying, swimming, climbing, and running. The duck excelled at swimming, the rabbit at running, the squirrel at climbing, and the eagle at flying. But when the duck tried to improve its running skills, its webbed feet were ruined for swimming. After that, the duck was only an average swimmer. Likewise, the rabbit got a twitch in its leg from swimming and couldn’t run as fast after that. The squirrel developed a charley horse from trying to fly, which ruined its stellar grade in climbing. And the eagle flunked climbing because it insisted on flying to the top of the tree. (The eagle was a nonconformist.)
Swindoll concluded,
A duck is a duck —and only a duck. It is built to swim, not to run or fly and certainly not to climb. A squirrel is a squirrel —and only that. To move it out of its forte, climbing, and then expect it to swim or fly will drive a squirrel nuts. Eagles are beautiful creatures in the air but not in a foot race. The rabbit will win every time unless, of course, the eagle gets hungry.
What is true of creatures in the forest is true of Christians in the family. . . . God has not made us all the same. He never intended to. It was He who planned and designed [our] differences, unique capabilities, and variations. . . .
So relax. . . . Appreciate the members of your family . . . for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don’t fly. Eagles don’t swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don’t have feathers.[4]
So if your husband is an eagle, don’t expect him to swim. Affirm his ability to soar! If he’s a duck, let him glide through the water rather than forcing him to climb a tree just because it comes naturally to you. Seek to understand how he’s built so that you can recognize his strengths and encourage him to excel at them.
5. Responding with more grace to their stress. As Erin mentioned earlier, all of us can get out of balance and end up functioning in the extremes of our personalities. Perhaps this occurs most often when we feel stress. Most men I (Greg) know have a great desire to be successful. And most experience a certain amount of stress from the demands of their jobs.
Research shows that men deal with stress differently than women do. As a man’s stress level increases, his body produces more oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively or withdraw (we like to say “go into their cave”).
Women also produce more oxytocin, but it’s coupled with estrogen and has a different result: When stressed, women tend to lean into relationships, either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the “tend-and-befriend” response.[5]
Basically, these chemical reactions set men and women up to respond very differently during times of stress —the perfect combination for conflict. Women want to connect, and men feel more ready to pick a fight or withdraw. Maybe this explains why some men want to read the paper, watch television, or be alone for a few minutes when they come home after a stressful day at work. Just a word of caution —sometimes gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. We must remember that this scenario may look different in your marriage —but researchers have found this to occur in many relationships.
As much as I would like to avoid being on edge or wish I didn’t feel the desire to isolate when I pull in the driveway after a hard day, it really does help when Erin gives me an understanding look and allows me a chance to unwind before dinner or a deep discussion. I can’t tell you how much it means to me as a man when Erin comes alongside me with understanding and encouragement rather than criticism. It changes my whole outlook!
How you respond to your husband when he’s under stress has a direct impact on his behavior toward you. I (Erin) can remember when Greg was in graduate school. He was under enormous pressure. During this season, I gave him extra space to retreat when he needed to and we also agreed that he needed healthy outlets for his stress. So, he began training for a marathon. Yes, this required more time away from Taylor and me; however, I knew that overall we were benefitting from this activity. He was able to engage with us more fully after having an outlet to deal with the stress level.
As we continue to understand how our husbands are different, it will allow us to love them more fully. For me, understanding Greg’s differences has helped me to stop judging him and start embracing him. I hope this is also the case for you. Ultimately, however, differences will also impact our marriage relationships.
Personality Differences in Your Marriage
Now that we’ve looked at understanding our own personalities as well as our spouses’, let’s look at how this idea of personality relates to our marriage relationships. The truth is that all marriages look different because they’re made up of two unique individuals who are joined to become one. Every marriage combines gender differences, two distinct personalities, and a unique blend of strengths and weaknesses.
Recently I (Erin) witnessed a beautiful illustration of this idea of two individuals blending together to make a unique marriage. Some dear friends were celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, and they wanted to commemorate the milestone by renewing their wedding vows with all of their friends and family present. Ed and Renee invited several hundred people to join them in their Colorado Springs backyard —a breathtaking scene against the foothills of Pikes Peak. Rain had drizzled earlier in the day, but the sun broke through just in time for the ceremony —and along with it appeared a rainbow, almost as if it were a sign from above. What most guests didn’t know was that Ed had been diagnosed with cancer earlier that week.
This amazing couple was facing an uncertain future but wanted to celebrate the rich twenty-five years they had shared. Those years hadn’t all been easy. Neither of them were followers of Christ when they married, and they readily went along with the world’s ways. Then over a period of months, each of them independently entered a relationship with Jesus. This changed everything. Their decisions to commit themselves to the Lord transformed not only each of them individually but it also transformed their marriage. Who they were as a couple, where they put their money, the ministry desires they shared, how they ran their business, what they did in their parenting —the list could go on and on; everything changed when they decided to serve Jesus. So on this very special day of remembering all God had done in and through their marriage, they signified their union with a sand unity candle.
Ed and Renee had purchased a clear glass vase, and each of them had their own vial of colored sand. Ed has an easy-going personality and chose blue sand to represent himself. Renee chose a bright pink sand, since her personality is a little more spicy and outgoing. As they simultaneously poured their vials of pink and blue sand into the vase, it became a beautiful representation of their uniqueness as a couple. This vase of mixed sand illustrated so perfectly how the blending of two distinct individuals —male and female both with different personalities —forms its own unique composite. Marriage truly is a beautiful piece of art that the Holy One creates when He joins two together as one.
Dealing with Differences in Marriage
The differences in our marriage are not always my (Erin) favorite thing to address in our marriage. I don’t wake up thinking, Wow, I can’t wait to chat with Greg about our differences that we have dealt with over the past week. Often, these conversations can be difficult due to buttons getting pushed and reactions setting off, many times resulting in conflict. Sometimes, my feelings just simply get hurt when Greg helps me become aware of how one of my traits is impacting him. Often, it’s one of my strengths out of balance. Our hope, however, is that we can view our differences as gifts to bring balance into our marriage relationship. Then the conversations might not be so dreaded.
I remember the day Greg took me aside and told me how exhausting it was for him to reach the weekend after working all week, only to discover that I had made social plans for both of us on Friday and Saturday nights —and sometimes on Sunday evenings as well. I immediately took great offense to his comment and thought, What’s wrong with him? Having friends is fun, and the only time we can get together is on the weekends.
I bit my lip and listened as he proposed that we limit our social events to one night each weekend and spend the other nights alone as a couple. Again, I didn’t understand how he could want that. I could have made social plans every single moment of the weekend, eating each meal with a friend or another couple.
But as Greg continued to share, a light bulb went off in my head. My personality as a strong Otter was much more social than his more introverted and slower-paced temperament as a Golden Retriever. After a demanding week of work, he needed some quiet and a little downtime. As I gave it more thought and prayed about it, I realized that my extroverted Otter mode had been out of balance. And I definitely hadn’t stopped to consider my husband’s needs and personality. Understanding my own temperament helped me realize that I needed to tone down my inner Otter. What I perceived as one of my greatest strengths became an obstacle in my relationship with Greg.
When you brush up against differences in your marriage (whether it’s a personality difference or a gender difference), follow these tips to deal with them in a manner that will give you best results:
1. Reduce our tendency to “fix” our husbands. Ruth Bell Graham once remarked, “It’s my job to love and respect Billy. It’s God’s job to make him good.” When most of us see a problem, our first inclination is often to fix it. But in our marriage relationship that isn’t usually the best course of action. My (Greg’s) advice is this: Whatever you do, don’t try to fix your husband, even when his flaws and personality differences irritate you. The more you try, the more he’ll shut down and retreat —which ultimately leaves the overall environment in the marriage feeling really unsafe. Speaking from experience, when Erin has tried to fix me, it has led to nothing more than resistance on my part, and it often lands us in an argument.
Let me share a personal example of difference in habits between us. For some reason I have a unique style of holding my eating utensils. I actually had no idea this was the case until Erin informed me. At dinner one night, she suggested that I try holding my fork in a different manner.
Why does she have to change everything? I thought. I’ve been eating this way my whole life, and it’s been just fine.
I realize now that she was just trying to help me with proper etiquette, but initially it felt like control and manipulation. It was just one of those things that felt critical upon delivery. And her timing didn’t help. Bringing up the issue right when she noticed it probably seemed like a good idea to her. But it was the last thing I wanted to have analyzed at dinnertime, especially when I was supposed to be enjoying the food and my family. So when she offered her advice, the rest of the meal became very quiet.
May I suggest that minor irritations (and perhaps even major ones) are best brought up after the fact rather than in the heat of the moment when emotions may be running high. And sometimes it’s better to overlook little behavioral quirks if they’re not causing a major problem in your marriage relationship.
Whenever we try to fix someone, we’re demonstrating a lack of acceptance. Understanding the unique way God designed your husband can help you focus on loving him and accepting his personality and behavioral quirks rather than trying to fix him. When he truly does need correction, use grace-filled words and remember that it’s God’s job to make him good. Although it takes two to create a “safe-haven” marriage, you certainly can influence the over-all temperature of your relationship by approaching him with grace.
2. Avoid negativity. If you find that you’re able to notice only negative things about your spouse, marriage, or anyone for that matter, you can be almost 99.9 percent sure that you’re under the influence —the influence of negative beliefs, that is. When all you can see are the weaknesses of your husband’s personality, you are heading down the damaging pathway of negative beliefs.
In an earlier chapter, I (Greg) mentioned this tendency, which psychologists call “confirmation bias.” It basically means that whatever you’re looking for in someone’s behavior (your bias) is exactly what you’ll notice (your confirmation). In essence, that person is powerless against your beliefs because —you guessed it —he or she can’t control you or your thoughts.
You must fight these nasty beliefs in any relationship, but especially in your marriage. You can do this best by adopting an “I could be wrong” attitude and giving your husband the benefit of the doubt. Basically this means having a perspective that leaves room for the possibility that you’ve misinterpreted some irritating behavior you notice in your spouse. Giving your husband the gift of believing the best about him and his intentions conquers negativity. In most instances I think we men rarely try to intentionally hurt our wives. But sometimes we do things without much thought of how it will impact you.
3. Allow room for both of you in your marriage. As we have said, you and your husband probably have discovered many differences. Part of having a healthy marriage relationship involves allowing room for both of you —quirks and all. If there is something that is annoying to you, check your heart first. Is it something that needs to be addressed or is it simply your preference? The wholehearted wife looks first within.
See the Ways You’re Great Together
Your marriage is made up of both strengths and growth areas, especially because of the personality differences you each bring to the union. Notice we call them “growth areas,” because that’s just what they are —not weaknesses but opportunities for growth. Typically, as humans we tend to focus on what we lack versus what we already have. Even in our marriage relationships, we tend to focus on what’s not going great instead of what is.
I (Gary) want to encourage you to focus on your strengths as a couple. The strongest marriages that last the longest are often made up of partners who focus on their strengths.
Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses.
—Marilyn vos Savant
What are the strengths in your marriage? Another way to ask this is to consider, “What do we do well as a couple?” Are you great financial planners? Maybe you show each other a lot of physical affection, or you work well as a team. Or perhaps you enjoy taking walks, going hiking, or playing sports together.
Can you teach a fun and lively Bible study together at church? Are you great at leading a small group for your kids and their friends? Do both of you play a musical instrument? Are you great at remodeling an older home —making all the decisions about the fixtures, floor plan, landscaping, and tile together? (This would kill my wife —Norma —and me, but maybe you and your spouse do this well.)
Figure out what you can do together that makes you both feel energized and maximizes your giftedness as a couple —and then do more of it!
Don’t Forget the Fun Factor
Think about the last time you really laughed together, had fun together, and enjoyed each other. When was the last time you went on a date or just relaxed together? What were you doing?
Maybe a few years ago you pulled out a card game, and you realized that he loved connecting with you while playing this game. You liked it too, but you haven’t pulled out the game since. Time can fly by without the two of you enjoying each other.
I (Gary) can remember the days Norma and I had teenagers in the house. Too many times, doing something energizing and fun as a couple was the exact thing we eliminated from of our lives. It often seemed more important to be at one more soccer game over the weekend than to spend time together as a couple.
Now make sure you hear me: There is nothing wrong with attending your child’s soccer game. However, it’s important to spend time with each other as a couple, focusing on what you do well together.
If you’ve been so focused on your differences that you’ve forgotten what you love to do together, refresh your memories. Explore the interests and activities that add joy to your marriage, and when you find them, hold on to them! Don’t eliminate those activities. Enjoy them!
Two Are Better Than One
Criticism can actually bring on more of what you don’t like about your husband and his behaviors. But praise and appreciation encourages more of what you do like. Don’t overlook what’s great about your spouse or your marriage.
I (Gary) know I often become aware of this after the fact. Norma has a very detailed personality and loves routine and order. I’m anything but that. I am a free spirit and love spontaneity and change. One way these opposite tendencies showed themselves was in our restaurant choices. Whenever Norma would eat out for breakfast, she always chose the same place. I, on the other hand, wasn’t at the same place twice in three years. Now I would have much rather had Norma join me in trying a different restaurant every day in Branson. But instead, she kept her routine, and I either joined her or she ate breakfast alone.
I realized that I could either try to change Norma’s personality or accept and embrace our differences. I preferred to see our marriage as beautifully balanced because of our personalities. Thanks to our differences, we were quite a team running our ministry together. Norma was able to balance the checkbook, stay home, and keep the house running efficiently while I traveled all over the country and ate in a different state many days of the month. This arrangement worked well for us.
I’m guessing that your marriage is made up of a beautiful blend of colors as well with its own unique combination of strengths and growth areas. Embrace both, but always focus on your strengths! Your differences —personality, gender, and otherwise —can bring a beautiful balance in your marriage relationship. As you understand yourself better, and also seek to understand who your husband has been uniquely created to be, you can then learn how to deal with these differences in your marriage relationship. Ultimately, you can then allow each of your beautiful colors to shine.
