Key Eight: Defusing Anger

Taming Volcanoes

It was one of those days. You know, the kind of day when everyone has something they need from you, and your calendar looks like a parking lot the week of Christmas. I (Erin) had taken all three kids to school and arrived late to a Christmas brunch that one of the Focus on the Family executive wives was hosting. After an enjoyable time, I hurried to my car because I was running late again, this time to a lunch meeting for work.

As I sped down the freeway, I reminded myself to slow down so I wouldn’t get a ticket or skid on the snow-packed roads. Greg knew I’d be late, so by the time I arrived at the restaurant, he had already placed my order for me. After lunch we both rushed back to Focus headquarters for another meeting.

During that meeting I was never asked to share my opinion, and although I was sure it was unintentional, it still pushed my buttons.

I was a little fired up when I left, and I tried to soothe myself as I rushed to pick up our fifteen-year-old daughter, Murphy, from school. When I arrived at the high school, I was still irritated, which only added to my usual annoyance with the insanely crowded pickup lines at the entrance. Unable to find a spot to wait for Murphy, I sort of scrunched in between two lines until she finally arrived.

When Murphy got in the car, I quickly discovered that she’d also had a bad day, which seems to be a frequent occurrence for fifteen-year-old girls. I tried to make small talk, but that didn’t go over very well. So as usual I dropped her off at home before heading to the elementary school to pick up Garrison.

As Murphy got out of the car, we had one more sarcastic interaction, and I drove away thinking, What a perfect addition to this completely crazy, exhausting day. I can’t even be a good mother today! After that exchange, I was even more irritated and distracted than before, so I wasn’t exactly paying attention when I hit a patch of ice in the neighborhood roundabout. The car started to slide, and I knew this was going to end badly. Ironically I realized that the out-of-control feeling I was experiencing reflected my life most days. But that profound insight ended abruptly when my car jumped the curb and slammed into a light pole. Could a day get any worse?

Apparently, yes. Just as I thought I’d hit rock bottom (or in this case, a big pole), the ten-foot-high iron light pole teetered and fell as if in slow motion. The light fixture at the top smashed into the ground, and glass shattered everywhere. My body was trembling as my mind tried to process what I should do. I quickly decided that I should take care of the next item on my to-do list. So I backed up the car and then headed down the street to pick up my fifth-grade son. As I drove I held back the dam of tears I knew was about to burst.

Then another thought struck me: I should probably call someone and report that I hit a light pole. But I had no idea whom to call. I wanted to call my mother, but I haven’t discovered the direct line to heaven in the past six years since she passed away. So I called 9-1-1. I knew better. My mother was a 9-1-1 operator in Phoenix, Arizona, for more than twenty years. She would have been appalled that I didn’t have the nonemergency number stored in my phone. I can still hear her voice: “Don’t call this number unless you have a true emergency. Don’t take a line from someone else who is having a heart attack.”

As it turned out, I called the right place. The 9-1-1 operator asked me a few questions and then explained that since I had called voluntarily, I wouldn’t be charged with a hit-and-run accident. I felt like a criminal. First I left a crime scene, as she described it, and now I was turning myself in for a hit-and-run. This day was getting better by the second!

After informing me that a hit-and-run would have put more points on my license than a DUI, the 9-1-1 operator said I needed to meet a police officer back at the “crime scene.” Perfect ending to a rotten day! I thought.

I dutifully headed back to the roundabout and contemplated the terrible day I was having while I waited for the police to arrive. Soon the flashing lights of a cruiser rounded the corner. The officer was incredibly kind and didn’t issue me a ticket even though he said I deserved one for destroying public property. I wanted to reply, “Just add it to the list,” but I bit my tongue and managed to be respectful.

When I finally reached the safety of my home, I trudged up the stairs to my bed and crawled under the covers. Then the dam broke as hot tears streamed down the sides of my face. A day of frantic rushing and angry irritation had ended with the destruction of public property. I never imagined that my anger and irritation could have such costly results.

An Unacceptable Emotion

Have you ever had a day like this? Let’s be perfectly honest: Women get angry too. Even wholehearted wives! But in our society, expressing anger often seems inappropriate for women, even though some seem to think it’s more acceptable for men. As one researcher observed,

Anger in men is often viewed as “masculine” —it is seen as “manly” when men engage in fistfights or act their anger out physically. [But] for girls, acting out in that way is not encouraged. Women usually get the message that anger is unpleasant and unfeminine.[1]

If expressing anger is considered “unpleasant and unfeminine,” how do most of us handle it? We ignore it, deny it, stuff it, take it out on our loved ones, stew over it, soothe it with comfort food —anything but express it in healthy ways. Anger often seems to be an unspoken emotion for women. But let’s set the record straight. Anger is a normal human emotion that men and women alike experience every day. But as women, many of us have bought into the myth that anger is forbidden. Consequently, we understand very little about it or how to deal with it in ourselves or our marriages.

Anger is common in any marriage, but if you or your husband expresses it in hurtful or unhealthy ways, it can become a major obstacle to experiencing a more loving and intimate relationship. The key is learning how to understand anger and deal with it in healthier ways.

At this point you may be thinking, How can I deal with anger in my marriage if I can’t even handle it in my own life? The good news is that help is on the way! In this chapter we’ll not only discuss what anger is, but we’ll examine the root issues that fuel it and explore some healthy ways to defuse it. When you learn how to recognize and deal with your own anger, you’ll be much better equipped to defuse it in your marriage.

Understanding Your Anger

We all feel anger, regardless of gender. However, according to Drs. H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver, certain triggers and underlying causes may be more common for women than men:[2]

This list helped me (Erin) identify the factors that trigger frustration, irritation, and anger in my life —which include stress, children and teenagers, PMS, not having enough time alone, and getting older. It has also been enormously validating to realize that there are underlying reasons for my feelings.

What are your triggers? Think about it.

The list could go on and on. But the point is, each and every day we experience things that leave us feeling irritated and angry. Yet all too often we’re unsure how to express it in a healthy way. Learning how to manage anger is important, but first we need to understand what it is and the role it plays in our relationships.

After working with couples for many years, I (Gary) frequently addressed the issue of anger in their marriages. When you are dealing with human relationships, it’s an emotion you really can’t ignore. In my book Making Love Last Forever, I described it this way:

Anger is an emotion. Like all of our emotions, there’s nothing wrong with it in and of itself. It’s our human response to something that occurs, or at least to our perception of that occurrence. In fact, some anger is good; we should get angry when we see an injustice or when someone is trying to violate our personal property lines. In such cases, our anger is what motivates us to take appropriate action. But after anger motivates us to do something good, we can’t afford to let it linger inside us. We have to get it out. Anger is a good emotion when it gets us moving, but if we let it take root, we set ourselves up for a great deal of potential harm.[3]

It may be a relief to know that anger has a purpose and can be used for good when it’s expressed in a healthy, constructive manner. Anger isn’t the problem; it’s the mismanagement of anger that wreaks havoc in our relationships. The biblical command says, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). Notice that feeling anger isn’t sin. Anger becomes sinful only if we allow it to influence our actions in sinful ways. The key is what we do with our anger.

It’s perfectly normal and healthy to acknowledge that we’re feeling angry. In fact, Christian psychiatrist Ross Campbell says that denying anger will simply channel it into passive-aggressive responses, which are more problematic over the long haul than dealing with anger honestly and openly.[4]

Before we explore healthy ways to defuse anger, let’s discuss two important facts about the emotion itself:

1. Anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It generally disguises other emotions and often occurs after we’ve felt fear, frustration, hurt, or some combination of these three emotions.[5] And sometimes anger is triggered by an unfulfilled expectation that causes us to feel disappointed.

When you experience anger or you encounter someone who is angry, try to remember that there is likely more to the picture. Sometimes it’s easier to feel compassion for ourselves or others when we realize that fear, frustration, or hurt is hidden underneath smoldering anger. This doesn’t give us, or anyone else, the right to explode in anger or rage at someone. But recognizing that anger is often a secondary reaction to inner fear or hurt can help us respond to angry people, including our spouses, with understanding and compassion.

In every scenario we encounter, we have a choice: We can recognize that our emotions are normal responses to everyday occurrences, or we can ignore our emotions or stuff them. When we mismanage our anger, we risk destroying relationships —especially with those we love the most.

2. Anger can be buried. Just as anger camouflages other emotions that are hidden beneath the surface, it can also be buried alive. We can pretend it isn’t there anymore, but it will resurface when we least expect it. And eventually it takes root in our hearts.

As we mentioned earlier, denying anger usually leads to passive-aggressive behavior. We’re still angry, but instead of acknowledging it and verbalizing the issue, we end up behaving in covert ways, trying indirectly to get back at the person we’re angry with. For example, you might just happen to forget to drop off your husband’s pants at the dry cleaners even though you know he needs them for a trip this weekend. Passive-aggressive anger typically leads to resistant, unhelpful behavior like this.

Buried anger can also cause anxiety and depression, as well as a host of other physical problems, including headaches, digestive problems, heart problems, and high blood pressure. It can interfere with relationships, thinking, and behavior as well.[6]

For years I (Gary) have used the metaphor of “knotting up inside” to describe what we do with anger. That happens to be just the opposite of the word forgiveness, which means “letting loose” or untying the knots. When we get angry and stay angry for a long period of time, it’s like creating tangled knots inside our hearts. Over time the knots can grow, bundle up, and get stored in what I like to describe as an “anger can.”[7] We accumulate anger internally like compressed air in a can. Then when we brush up against someone or something that causes us to feel one of the three primary emotions (fear, frustration, or hurt), we let it rip. It’s just like a can of Silly String. We push the spray button, and it unloads a gooey substance on the target of our anger. Whomever we’ve unloaded on is left feeling as if they’ve been sprayed with goo!

Remember, anger isn’t the problem; it all depends on how we handle it. When we handle it poorly, we push away those we love the most, leaving a trail of damaged relationships in our wake. Ultimately, unhealthy ways of dealing with anger can be passed from one generation to the next, causing even more destruction. But when we deal with anger in healthy ways, it can lead to greater understanding and intimacy in our marriages.

I (Erin) can remember my father raging when I was a little girl. It was terrifying at times. He was usually such a gentle man, but when he became angry, watch out! In response to those experiences, I always said, “I’ll never be like that!” I’m guessing some of you have also made pledges just like this.

Legacy of a Dominating Dad

Drs. H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver

Daughters of dominating, angry fathers develop a firm determination to live their lives in a way exactly opposite to what their fathers believed or stood for. They think that in so doing they will show their fathers that they won’t be controlled. But what their angry, negative reaction really shows is that these women are still being controlled by their fathers. No wonder their anger doesn’t recede.

Sometimes a father controls by becoming demandingly dependent on his daughter. He exaggerates his need to control his daughter, and the daughter becomes increasingly angry at him. Eventually she makes herself less available to be used, but now her guilt directs the anger back against herself.[8]

I swore I would never marry a man who raged, thinking this would take care of any issues I had with unhealthy expressions of anger. However, I quickly became aware of the many opportunities marriage gave me to become angry. (Can anyone say “Amen”?)

I can still remember Greg’s face the first time we got into a major disagreement, and I started raising my voice at him. He looked dumbfounded and dazed —almost confused. I screamed my next words and then waited patiently for him to scream back, but it didn’t happen. I remember thinking, What’s wrong with him?

Soon I learned that Greg came from a family that never expressed anger by yelling. He actually came from a family on the opposite end of the spectrum —they typically denied their anger. So he wasn’t quite sure what to do with my outbursts. But it didn’t take long to “train” him to engage with me. Amazingly, when we spray our spouses with our anger, they often begin to display the same behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior is the most immature way of handling anger. The most mature ways of handling anger are verbally, pleasantly, and resolving anger toward the person at whom we are angry if at all possible.

—Dr. Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child

I never really shared this with anyone while it was going on because of the shame and guilt. I felt horrible after I’d throw a fit. I just knew that God desired more for me and my family. So I prayed for the Lord to heal me and help me learn how to handle my emotions when I got angry.

My struggle with anger drove Greg and me to learn more about how to better manage conflict in our marriage. When I realized that anger was a secondary emotion —masking fear, hurt, or frustration —I tried to put a name to what I was feeling when I became angry. I also learned that anger is a behavior —a reaction to feeling these primary emotions. No one “makes” us angry. We choose to react in anger when these underlying emotions are triggered.

As I cried out to the Lord for help with my anger, He began to work in my heart and life. I’ll never forget the day I began to yell at some poor soul in my home, and nothing came out. As a matter of fact, I began coughing. It actually hurt! I was coughing —and rejoicing —all in the same breath. I believe that God heard my desperate cries —my heart’s desire to break this pattern in our family. And to this day, I can’t scream without coughing or hurting my throat. When I do blow it, I return to the injured party with an open heart and seek forgiveness. I often say something like, “I’m so sorry! I blew it! It is not okay for me to talk to you like that. It’s really unacceptable. Will you forgive me?”

We all experience feelings of anger toward our spouses, and many of us either spray it at them or deny its existence. The key issue isn’t whether or not we get angry but what we do with it.

Breaking Free from a Legacy of Anger

In my own struggles with anger, I (Erin) learned that I couldn’t break the cycle without help. The unhealthy patterns I learned as a child were so deeply ingrained in my soul that I felt powerless to change them. I realized that only the Lord could bring about the heart-level changes I so desperately needed. And as I cried out to the Lord, He began to set me free from this legacy of anger.

Without the Lord’s help, I couldn’t overcome the ingrained pattern of anger I learned as a child. In the midst of your own struggles with anger, cry out to the Lord for His help and healing touch. Ask Him to give you an accurate understanding of what is really going on and to reveal the underlying issues that are fueling your anger, including unhealthy patterns you may have learned as a child. Then seek out a godly woman for accountability —or get professional help, if needed.

Of all the legacies our families of origin can leave us with, anger is one of the most toxic. If you’re struggling with anger and rage, it’s likely that one or more family members did too. The truth is, many of us didn’t have great role models growing up. That’s why understanding your family history is an important first step in breaking free from this legacy. When you become aware of unhealthy patterns in your family of origin, you can avoid repeating them.

In Taking Out Your Emotional Trash, Georgia Shaffer notes six destructive ways of expressing anger that you may have learned in your family of origin:[9]

  1. Acting out aggressively. This aggressive, outward expression of our feelings may involve shoving, hitting, kicking, throwing things, or breaking items. We may also be verbally aggressive, engaging in yelling, name-calling, insults, or cursing.
  2. Speaking critical words. Criticism involves finding fault with another person or expressing disapproval. Verbal attacks and being critical may seem similar, but criticism isn’t always as obvious. When delivered politely without using a loud voice or foul language, criticism can be very subtle. If we’re experienced criticizers, we may deliver our verbal jabs while smiling and saying, “I’m only telling you this for your own good.”
  3. Engaging in vengeful behavior. When we feel hurt, the desire to get back at someone can be expressed by our actions. When we focus on getting even, our unresolved anger and hostility can take root in our hearts and grow quickly into bitterness.
  4. Making sarcastic remarks. Sarcasm is characterized by biting comments that are intended to inflict pain. If we grew up in a sarcastic family, we may have enjoyed embarrassing and hurting others. When others are hurt, we may tell them they’re being too sensitive and defend ourselves by saying, “I didn’t mean anything by it. Can’t you just take a joke?”
  5. Withdrawing communication. This pattern of behavior is known as the silent treatment. If others offend us, we may avoid communicating with them. We may refuse to answer emails, text messages, or phone calls for days, weeks, or even years. When we inflict the silent treatment on others, nothing ends up getting worked out, and our anger often gets buried.
  6. Withholding something a loved one needs. This destructive behavior involves holding back the very thing we know someone wants or needs, such as our love, time, attention, sex, money, or other resources.

Do you recognize any of these destructive patterns in yourself or your marriage? These behaviors create an environment of hostility, distrust, and discord. Toxic anger feeds our fears and insecurities and shatters our peace. Instead of leading to the intimacy and connection we’re longing for in our marriages, it drives us apart and, in the end, destroys our relationships.

By contrast, we can begin to break these destructive patterns by learning some healthy and appropriate ways to express our anger:

  1. Take a time-out. As we talked about in the previous chapter, taking a time-out is essential when we realize we’re engaging in unhealthy behaviors. A time-out allows us to get away from the stressors that are fueling our anger so we can gain perspective and begin to calm down. Take a walk, breathe deeply, talk to God, talk to a friend, listen to praise and worship music, write a letter, vacuum, or do whatever helps you let off steam.
  2. Identify why you’re angry. What triggered your anger? A hurtful conversation, a frustrating situation, or some unnamed fear? Contemplate the underlying emotions that ignited your anger and name them. Often a current situation can trigger feelings from the past, perhaps from your childhood. Considering these factors will enable you to gain perspective and give the physical symptoms of anger time to diminish.
  3. Evaluate the basis for your anger. Are you angry because you didn’t get your own way? Do you need to confess selfishness or ask forgiveness for hurting your spouse? Are you angry because you experienced an injustice that needs to be confronted? Regardless of what caused your anger, pray first about how you should respond.
  4. Consider ways to deal with the cause of your anger. After you’ve identified the cause of your anger and the underlying emotions, make a plan of action to address the issue. List your options and try to envision the outcome of each. Try to understand your spouse’s point of view. How could you express your anger calmly and appropriately? What sort of win-win solution could you and your husband negotiate together?
  5. Get help if you need it. Talking to a professional Christian counselor or a godly, older mentor can help you sort things out and decide the best way to express your anger and address the cause.

Understanding the underlying issues that trigger our anger and learning healthier ways of expressing it can help us begin to break the unhealthy patterns we brought into our marriages. No matter how deeply ingrained those patterns may be, God is able to root them out of our lives as we cry out to Him for help. If we allow Him to change us, He can heal our relationships and enable us to build a legacy of peace and love.

Dealing with Your Husband’s Anger

Living with an angry husband is like living at the base of an active volcano. It can keep us in a constant state of hyper-vigilance —always on the alert, anticipating the next eruption. Even a small emotional outburst can cause us to fight back, freeze up, or shut down. Here’s how one wife described her experience with an angry spouse:

My husband has an explosive temper. Every few months, he’ll go into a screaming rage, and it scares me. When he is depressed it’s more frequent. It’s always over something small and insignificant. . . . He will yell at the top of his lungs, swear at me, and intimidate me into backing down. Just the look . . . on his face is enough to completely freak me out. . . . It’s like he’s a different person when he gets angry. . . .

We both realized recently that [his anger] has broken my spirit. . . . [I’m] afraid of setting off his temper, so [I’m] constantly walking on eggshells. . . . We . . . both agreed that I shouldn’t have to live that way anymore. . . . Obviously fighting back when he loses his temper is pointless, so we decided that [I should] walk away when he starts getting ugly. We agreed that I don’t have to let him talk to me that way, and that [we] can . . . continue the discussion when he’s cooled down.[10]

As this woman discovered, dealing with anger is never easy. Thankfully most of us usually experience only minor eruptions when our husbands snap at us under stress or when they’ve had a bad day at work. But if the men we promised to love, honor, and cherish spew molten lava at us on a regular basis, it can be terrifying —especially if a normally godly man transforms into a monster.

As we mentioned earlier, anger is a normal emotion. It becomes a problem only if we or our husbands handle it in unhealthy ways. So how can we, as wholehearted wives, defuse our husbands’ anger and encourage them to deal with it in healthier ways? Here are some guidelines:

1. Never accept responsibility for your husband’s anger. We don’t “make” our spouses angry. They choose to react in anger because our words or behavior triggered some deeper emotion or issue. That doesn’t mean we don’t need to accept responsibility for our own words and actions. But we are never to blame for their anger or how they express it. This is entirely their responsibility. They can choose to talk about their hurt or frustration in a healthy manner, or they can lose their temper, lashing out in hurtful ways.

James 1:19–20 tells us that “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” Each of us is accountable to God for how we handle our anger. We can either allow our sinful natures to control us, which leads to “fits of rage,” or we can be controlled by the Holy Spirit, which leads to peace and self-control (Galatians 5:20, 22–23). We can’t make this choice for our husbands. Like us, they must make this choice in every situation.

2. Set effective boundaries. An effective boundary enables us to take care of ourselves in a way that also strengthens our relationships with our husbands. (If you need a refresher on how to nurture yourself, review the suggestions in chapter 2.) We should never use boundaries to erect walls around our hearts or sever our relationships with our husbands.

The critical question to ask when establishing a boundary is, “What do I want to accomplish?” The ultimate goal is to “create a safe space that enables [our hearts] to remain open to God, self, and others,” including our husbands.[11] A Christlike boundary will always draw us toward our husbands rather than driving a wedge between us.

It’s important to set a boundary when your husband allows his temper to get out of control. You might say something like, “I would love to better understand what’s bothering you, but if you choose to yell or threaten me, I’m going to walk away. I’ll return when you’re willing to speak in a way that honors both of us.” You must then be prepared to follow through. Whenever you set a boundary like this, realize that it can take about twenty minutes for the adrenaline to diminish enough so your husband can engage in a healthy conversation.

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

—Ephesians 4:31–32, The Message

3. Try to understand why your husband gets angry. Seeking to understand behavior is an aspect of empathy, but that doesn’t mean you should accept blame or responsibility for your husband’s hurtful behavior. Empathy isn’t about enabling your husband’s anger; it’s about keeping your heart open. Understanding the reasons behind your husband’s behavior can keep your heart from hardening toward him. It can also help you pray for him with greater insight and compassion. As we discussed earlier, look for the underlying emotions behind his anger —fear, frustration, or hurt —and lovingly address those issues together.

4. Love the man; hate the sin. Your husband needs to know that you love him and are still his teammate, even though you disagree with the way he is choosing to express his anger. Keep in mind that if your husband is struggling with anger, he probably inherited that legacy from his family of origin. Ask God to help you see your husband through His eyes. Pray for your husband and encourage him to turn to God for help and healing. Only God can break the sinful patterns in his life and help him learn healthier ways to deal with his anger.

If you ever feel physically unsafe, and your husband’s anger crosses the line into physical slaps, pushes, shaking, or shoving —get help immediately. Call the authorities or seek safety at a safe house. It’s never okay for your husband to rage, scream, throw things, threaten you, or hit you. If anger is a serious issue in your marriage, we strongly encourage you to seek Christian counseling. (Call 1-800-A-FAMILY for help finding a counselor with expertise in this area.) If your husband refuses to go with you, don’t let that stop you from getting the help and support you need.

5. Forgive your husband for his hurtful reactions. I (Erin) learned the importance of forgiveness when we brought our adopted daughter, Annie, home from China. Greg and I had read about the grief reactions children can have when they’re torn away from caregivers they’ve grown close to. Annie was no exception. She loved her nanny, Rose, dearly, and at first she reacted with a lot of anger toward me. It was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. I had prayed for this child for over a year and had saved a lot of money to adopt her, only to be repaid with head butts, slaps, shoves, and pinches. It was horrible. But a very wise friend had given me some solid biblical advice before we left for China: “Erin, forgive Annie anytime she does something that hurts you during the time of transition. Say out loud, ‘I forgive you, Annie!’ ”

Little did my friend know how desperately I would need that advice. It helped me keep my heart open toward Annie each time she pushed me away or had a temper tantrum. I am so thankful I forgave her, because after three weeks of pushing me away, she suddenly changed her tune one day and let me in. Tears streamed down my face as my heart overflowed with joy.

Looking back, I realize how very important it was to forgive Annie along the way. It wasn’t okay for her to strike out at me, so I had to set boundaries and enforce time-outs to let her know that her behavior was unacceptable. I also discovered that the lesson I learned with Annie applied to my marriage. Next to my relationship with the Lord, the most intimate relationship I have on earth is with Greg. But Greg is human, and he can say or do things that hurt my feelings, sometimes without even realizing it. And at times he gets angry with me and may not handle it well. No matter how Greg behaves, my job is to love him wholeheartedly, setting appropriate boundaries and always being willing to forgive.

We (Erin, Greg, and Gary) hope these guidelines will enable you to keep your heart open toward your husband regardless of the way he deals with his anger. Ultimately, he is responsible for his anger, but you can play an important role in encouraging him to express it in healthy ways.

Defusing Anger in Your Marriage

As we’ve already discussed, marriage is a unique relationship. The depth of love and intimacy we experience with our spouses exposes us to a much wider range of emotions than we tend to experience in other human relationships. In fact, dependency and vulnerability in marriage are as likely to lead to hostility as they are to affection.[12] Dr. David Mace observes that “marriage and family living generate in normal people more anger than [they] experience in any other social situation.”[13]

We learned in the previous chapter that conflict is the doorway to intimacy. But mishandled anger is often a roadblock to the deeper connection we desire with our husbands. Many couples say that expressing angry feelings is uncomfortable, and they actually try to avoid it. But remember that expressing anger in a healthy way doesn’t mean you’re being aggressive; it actually means you’re being assertive. Assertiveness protects our relationships and allows us to value both ourselves and our spouses. Sharing our feelings about concerns or issues, even if it involves frustration or anger, is always in the best interests of our relationships with our spouses.

Unresolved anger can have a detrimental effect on any relationship, especially intimate relationships like marriage. That’s why the Bible tells us not to let the sun go down while we’re still angry (Ephesians 4:26). The reason is clear. When we don’t work through our anger, Satan gains a foothold in our lives and can use it to drive us apart (verse 27). And as we discussed earlier, when anger goes unchecked, it can become buried, causing resentment to take root and harden our hearts toward each other. This happened in Karen and Ben’s marriage:

One night Karen awoke from a dead sleep. The wind was howling outside and tossing the outdoor patio furniture back and forth. Suddenly she realized that two of the tables had glass tops that could break, and just about then she heard a loud shatter. She tried to awaken her husband, Ben, but he said sleepily, “What does it matter at this point? They’re probably all broken. Let’s deal with it in the morning.” Then he rolled back over and dozed off.

Karen was seething as she went outside to haul the patio furniture into the garage. She resented that Ben was inside, snuggled warmly in bed, while she was in the dark doing hard labor at 4:00 a.m.

“Boy, will I let him have it in the morning!” she said through clenched teeth.

If this had been the first time something like this had happened, Karen might have been willing to give Ben more grace. But it seemed lately as if many household responsibilities were falling on Karen’s shoulders, and she was constantly trying to coerce Ben to help her. She felt like such a nag. If only Ben would respond to my requests, she told herself, I wouldn’t nag or be so angry all the time. She even prayed that God would motivate him to help more around the house.

From Ben’s perspective, he was already helping out a lot at home, but all Karen noticed was what he didn’t do. It didn’t seem to matter that Ben had been carrying extra weight at work after his boss was let go. In fact, he was sick and tired of shouldering the weight at work and at home. But when he tried to explain this to Karen, she would often get stuck in a rage and throw temper tantrums. If she would quit nagging and screaming, Ben thought, I might be willing to help her more.

Ben dreaded coming home in the evenings after work now, and yet it was so stressful at work, he didn’t want to stay there either. So day after day he would come home bracing for the next onslaught of criticism. The distance continued to build between Karen and Ben, and neither could see the other’s perspective.

Short-term anger is common in marriage, but letting offenses and hurt feelings drag on for months and even years not only damages our relationships; it can be fatal![14] Anger has the power to tear our relationships apart and push us away from each other. Much like Karen and Ben, ongoing resentment and anger can leave a couple feeling like there’s a Grand Canyon of distance between them. Unresolved anger can cause us to become more cautious, mistrusting, and fearful of relationships, not only with our spouses but also with God. That’s why it’s so important to honestly acknowledge our anger, learn to express it in healthy ways, and encourage our husbands to do the same. If we want more loving relationships with our spouses, we need to defuse the ticking time bomb called anger!