Diary, I’ve been so terrible. I want to say that I’ve been a good, mindful young woman, but that isn’t true.
I’ve been meeting Jim in secret, walking into town when Papa’s at home. We meet for ice cream, to have a soda at the pharmacy, to watch a matinee on Saturday. He is so kind, Diary.
Last Saturday we met at the theater, and he brought me a rose. A rose! I’ve never been given anything like that before.
His cheeks were red as he handed it to me, almost the same color as the petals.
“Thank you,” I told him. “It’s beautiful.”
“Not as beautiful as you.”
The smile that came afterward was so big that it made my cheeks hurt. My heart swelled, too. I always thought that wasn’t true, that your heart couldn’t swell from happiness, but now I know that it is. Your heart can get so big that it feels like it’s going to break through your ribs.
That’s how happy being with Jim has made me. So happy, Diary. In fact, we have a secret date tonight. He’s taking me to a fair that’s come to town. I’ve told Papa that I’m going with some girls, and so he doesn’t mind, as long as I’m back before it gets too late. He never knows when the lamp might go out and he’ll have to change the light. It’s a two-person job, and it would be just our luck that a bunch of ships would be in the ocean the one night we have to change the light.
Most of the time no ships are out late. I don’t suspect trouble, but I will be back at a good hour for Papa so that he doesn’t worry.
Or become suspicious.
* * *
The fair was everything that I thought it would be. Clowns were sprinkled throughout the grounds juggling bowling pins or unicycling through the crowds.
I tried cotton candy! Papa frowns upon sweets, so when Jim saw a man twirling a stick and gathering what looked like pink spiderwebs on it, he said, “Let me buy you cotton candy.”
Butterflies took flight in my chest, Diary. I must’ve had eyes as big as plates because he laughed, tipping his head as if he wanted to get a better look at me. His eyes are so green—and flecked with gold. They’re gorgeous.
But anyway, he laughed kindly. “Haven’t you ever tried cotton candy before?”
“No,” I admitted, feeling like a girl who never left the family farm except for church on Sundays.
He threaded his fingers through mine. “Then I’ll buy you some.”
“But you’ve already paid for my ticket.”
He jerked his chin to the man behind the candy stand. “And does that mean I can’t buy you anything else? Are you going to tell me what I can spend my money on?”
His words were firm, but his tone was joking, so I smiled. “I won’t tell you what to spend one penny on. If you want to buy me a big teddy bear, then go ahead.”
He threw his head back and laughed. “How about we start with the candy?”
“I’ll take it.”
It was magical to watch the man twirl the stick and see the thin strands of sugar wrap around it. It didn’t look like much at first, but after a minute, the man had a whole pink cloud wrapped around that stick. He handed it to me with a smile and Jim paid.
Eating the candy was like biting into a sugary cloud that melted into crystals as soon as it touched my tongue. My eyes must’ve shown it, too, because Jim laughed.
“Looks like it’s good.”
“It’s so good.” I held the stick out to him, and he leaned over, taking a bite but watching me the whole time. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ears, and where he touched me, I could feel the heat of his fingers making a blazing line on my skin.
“Delicious,” he declared before tugging me toward the Tunnel of Love.
“What’s that?”
“A ride. It’s in the dark. If you don’t want to go, I understand.”
I didn’t want to look like a chicken. I wanted to be smart and older. “Let’s go on it.”
We got in a small boat that was pushed off by a man with an oar. The water wasn’t deep. I leaned over to look, and Jim laughed.
“Are you looking for fish?”
“I was thinking about it.”
“When I leave this place, I don’t want to have anything to do with fish.”
“You don’t like the ocean?”
He shook his head just before darkness closed up around us. “All I do is fish, Emma. My father’s livelihood is based on the whims of the ocean, whether it wants to give us fish one day or keep them all to itself the next. No. I want more.” He nudged my arm. “What about you? What do you want?”
We were in complete darkness now. It was a big question. For all my life I’d been with Papa and couldn’t see myself leaving him. But Jim was a flame, and though I wasn’t a moth that wanted to burn up, I wanted to be near him. For the first time in all my life, I didn’t want to be tied to a place where I had to man a light every night, often working on very little sleep. I wanted something else, too.
Freedom, I realized. I wanted freedom, to be out in the world and to be more than what I was, to see more than what I had already. To live in a city, where there were honking cars and people moving quickly. When your life revolved around the ocean, you had to stay near it, never going too far inland.
I understood exactly what Jim was saying, the ache that he felt in his chest for more. I felt it, too, and more than that, I understood it. I understood him.
“You want to get out too, don’t you?” he whispered, his face close to mine. I could feel his breath blowing against my cheeks. He smelled of cotton candy.
“Yes,” I admitted. Just saying the word made it feel like my chest was cracking open, releasing a stone that had been stuffed inside of it. “I don’t want to be in a lighthouse anymore.”
I heard him swallow. I couldn’t see a thing in the pitch-black, not even my hand.
“Then I’ll get us both out,” he told me.
I laughed nervously. “What?”
He took my hand, and it felt like a line of lightning shimmied up my arm. “Just what I said. We’ll leave—together. Find a way out of here.”
“Jim, I…”
“I’m not saying we’ll go tomorrow. But if I leave, will you come with me?”
I hesitated. He was asking me to go with him unmarried. No one did that.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “It’ll be proper.”
I sighed. “Oh.”
“You don’t have to answer now.”
Which was good because my mind was swirling. Jim was asking me to leave. He wanted me to go with him, to leave my father, to leave this life.
A faint light glowed up ahead.
“Emma?” he said, his face still angled toward mine. His breath caressed my cheeks. Jim released my hand, and then both of his cradled my face. The pads of his rough fingers took me gently, tipping me toward him.
“Yes?” I said, breathless. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute. My head was clouded over. Not one actual thought was in my brain. All I could focus on was the feel of his calloused fingers on my skin, how close our mouths were, and then…
His lips gently covered mine. Diary, I’d never been kissed before. I’d seen plenty of kisses in the movies, but I when it came to actually doing the deed, I wasn’t sure what to do, how to move my mouth.
But it didn’t matter, because Jim’s lips moved, and I moved with them. It felt like every bone in my body was melting. I was certain to become a puddle in the bottom of the boat. I closed my eyes and focused on his soft yet firm lips.
That must have been what heaven felt like.
Light started pricking my eyes. We were out of the tunnel. But before I could break away, a voice shouted, “Emma!”
My eyes popped open as a hand roughly took me by the arm and yanked me out of the boat.
Papa stood before me. His face was gaunt, his beard scruffier than I remembered it being that morning. Fury blazed in his dark eyes, and he snarled, “Haven’t I taught you better than this, girl?”
“Sir,” Jim said, climbing from the boat. Oh Diary, you should’ve seen the fear on his face. I’d never known Jim to ever be scared, but I could tell right then and there that he was afraid. But I couldn’t tell you what he was afraid of, exactly.
As quickly as I realized the fear in his eyes, my father cut him off. “And you—stay away from my daughter. Don’t ever come near her.”
“Sir, you don’t even know who I am.”
“I know who you are,” Papa spat, his hand still curled around my arm so tightly I winced. “And I know your no-good father. Keep away from my daughter or else you’ll regret it.”
Without another word Papa dragged me away so roughly that I lost my grip on the stick of cotton candy. It fell to the grass and was trampled by strangers within seconds. I twisted to look back at Jim, and he stared at me longingly.
He looked as helpless and shameful as I did, and I couldn’t help but to think that my heart had been trampled just like that cotton candy.