Chandler sipped the coffee and took a tiny nibble of the Lane Cake. The sponge was moist, and it held a hint of rum that was complimented by the raisins and coconut.
“This is amazing,” she said.
“Yes, it is. Reece sure can bake. I’m surprised we haven’t seen that until now.”
“I know. Her talents were wasted in medical school,” she joked, making her mother laugh.
“As much as I’d hate to agree with you, I agree with you.” They sat in silence for a moment before she went on. “Honey, what’s bothering you? Are you still worried about what your father did? Is that still haunting you?”
“It is,” she admitted shamefully. “And Evelyn sensed it too when she was here. She told me that I need to make a decision and not hurt her son—again.”
“She’s right.”
Chandler smirked. “I know. And what’s worse is that I haven’t started planning the wedding because of it.”
Her mother sucked in a breath. “Honey, you can’t lead Hudson on.”
“I know that,” she snapped. “Sorry. I just…don’t know what to do.”
“Your heart will tell you. But first and foremost, you need to be honest with Hudson. He has to know. Have you said anything?”
She shook her head, feeling even more shame. “The time hasn’t been right.”
“It never is when you’re the bearer of bad news. But you’re an adult, and I didn’t raise my daughters to be cowards. You need to tell him the truth,” she said sternly. “Today.”
“You’re right.” Tears pricked her eyes. She glanced up at her mother, who was smiling kindly. “I’ll tell him tonight.”
* * *
“I’ve been putting off planning the wedding,” she admitted to Hudson.
They were strolling along the beach. The sun was sinking fast into the horizon as salt water lapped at their bare feet. Hudson had his khakis rolled up to his calves, and her eyelet sundress slapped her legs as the breeze wound around them before heading inland.
Hudson stopped. The sun was to his back, and it haloed him, making his skin look golden. “Is there a reason why you’ve been putting it off? I mean, other than the fact that you obviously have to find the perfect venue to marry the perfect man?” he joked.
She smiled. He always made her laugh. “It’s nearly impossible to attain that level of perfection on earth.”
“It’s such a burden.” When she didn’t respond, he glanced out to the ocean, a shadow falling over his jaw. In that moment his entire mood shifted. “You’ve been having doubts.”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
“Yes.”
He started strolling, this time more slowly, his head down, staring at the sand as she talked about her father, about how his betrayal had shaken the very foundation of their family. And how, as much as it made her heart ache to say it, she was worried the same fate would befall her.
He was quiet after she finished, and her heart raced while she waited for Hudson to say something, anything. Sweat slicked her palms, and she wiped them on her sundress.
Hudson caught her hand and held it. “You know I would never do that.”
“I know you wouldn’t. It’s not even a realistic fear. I know that.”
“I understand why you’re having these doubts. But Chandler, I’ve never, not once given you any reason to think I would do something so heinous. I moved here. For you.”
Her face heated. “I know that. Like I said, it’s not realistic, and I know you love me, and I love you. I know all of that—my heart does. But my mind keeps reminding me of my father’s betrayal.”
He stopped and shook his head. “I should have known it was too soon. I should’ve given you more time. But I came all this way”—he gestured inland—“and I thought that would be enough to convince you of how I feel.”
She didn’t reply because there weren’t any words on the tip of her tongue.
He dropped her hand and cupped her face with both of his, tilting her chin up until she was looking at him. “Chan, I love you more than my own life. You are everything to me. Everything. But this isn’t something that I can convince you of. This is something that you need to work through, because no matter how much I say that I love you and would never, not ever, hurt you the way that your father did to your mother, you won’t believe me until you’re ready, until you’ve put this out of your heart.”
He glanced away, his jaw flexing. It killed her to have to tell him this, to see his pain spreading out before her. Why did she have to feel this way? Why did her stupid heart have to betray her? If she could take back the way she felt and stuff it into a box, lock the box away and never deal with it again, she would. But for now, all Chandler could do was deal with the aftershock of what she’d told him.
After a long moment that felt like eternity spreading out before her, he dragged his gaze back to hers. “How long have you felt this way? Since I proposed?”
“No, a few days after.”
He released her cheeks as if her face was on fire and stepped back. He was putting walls up. She instantly recognized the gesture. But what had she expected? Hudson was on the path of marriage. She was on a trajectory that resembled a plane crashing into the side of a mountain.
“I wish you’d told me sooner, hadn’t held onto it.”
She whispered, “What do we do now?”
He shook his head. He looked away, back to her, away again. When he spoke, his voice sounded as broken as she knew his heart was. “I don’t know, Chandler. I don’t know. I came all this way for you. I moved here for you. I uprooted my life. For you. And now you’re telling me that you’re afraid I’ll turn out like your father? How could you ever think that I’d do something like that? What would ever make you think that? Wait. Don’t answer that. I get it. I understand completely why you feel that way. But…it’s not rational. Do you see that?”
“I know it’s not rational.” She wasn’t insane, just confused, worried. She did her best to bite back the anger blazing in her gut. “Don’t you think I wish that I could get rid of these feelings? That I could stomp on them, and they’d disappear? It’s like they’re living, breathing beings inside of me, coaxing me to worry about the worst things in the world when I should be focused on the best. I want what you want—to get married, start our lives together. But the level of my dad’s betrayal—you can’t understand it, Hudson. Your family is perfect.”
He scoffed. “Perfect? No family is perfect.”
“But yours is. Your dad loves your mom, worships her.”
“That doesn’t mean they haven’t had their share of problems or haven’t seen others dealing with situations a lot like yours.”
She remembered what his mother had said. There wasn’t anything else that she could add other than to whisper, “I’m sorry. Believe me, if I could take back these feelings, I would. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I love you.”
“Is this love?” He threw out his arms. “Sometimes I wonder. Love means working through the hardships, not giving up. But you’ve already given up. You’ve created a scenario in your head that doesn’t exist and you’re leaning into it.” He dropped his face into his hands and took a deep breath. When Hudson glanced up, he looked defeated. “I’m going to give you what you want.”
Her heart stuttered. “What? I don’t want anything. I just wanted to tell you.”
“You do want something. You haven’t picked a date for the wedding. You haven’t shopped for a dress. You haven’t done any of that. What you want is for me to end it.”
“No, Hudson.” Tears pricked her eyes. “That’s not what I—”
He lifted his hand to stop her. “Yes, it is. It’s exactly what you want. I’m going to give it to you. I’ll go home for Thanksgiving, and when I return, I’ll pack up and go.”
“No.”
“It’s decided.” She started to speak, but he placed a hand over her heart. “If you ask yourself to see the truth, this is what it will tell you.”
Tears blurred her vision. This wasn’t what she wanted. It was all wrong. No no no! It wasn’t supposed to end this way. They were supposed to work it out. Hudson would admit that he’d never have a second wife, and she was supposed to feel better. The situation wasn’t supposed to take this turn.
“Don’t worry. You don’t have to see me again.”
She closed her eyes and pressed her face to his chest, drinking in his leathery scent. It was her favorite smell in all the world, and she had ruined it. Just because she was so insecure.
He held her for a moment before his arms dropped and he stepped away. She kept her eyes closed while he walked away, up the beach back to his car.
She stood there until she thought she heard the engine start, heard the crashing waves muffle the sound.
She stood there until she was certain that he was gone.