Chapter Three

Jill

We make small talk the rest of the ride there, and I find that I really like Johnny. He’s a straight shooter with a kind heart. He’s very much his father’s son and so different from Matt. I can see little bits of Matt in all three of the men, but thank God no more than that. I’m still hurting from the way everything went down last year. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same or ever trust a man again, not fully.

Two weeks later, I’m moving into my own apartment about five miles from John and Judy. Apparently, John back paid my rent in Indy, and allowed the landlord to keep whatever money he made selling my car. Then John refused to let me pay him back so I was able to use the first check from Matt’s estate that was retroactive to Mariah’s birth, to get a small two-bedroom apartment in a clean complex in a decent part of town. I also found a job as an elementary school janitor in downtown Cincinnati. The work is kind of gross, and it means I’ll have long days and a little bit of a commute, but it’s the best I can do. I’m most excited because the school district offers medical and dental benefits after ninety days.

Our new schedule is a busy one. I drop Mariah off at six o’clock in the morning at daycare and one of the Brownings picks her up and takes her to their house, feeds her, sometimes bathes her, and then I pick her up and take her home.

Until my benefits with the school kick in, I have to purchase a temporary insurance policy for both of us. It’s expensive, so I approached John and Judy once again and asked for more help. It’s killing me to ask for help, but I need to do what’s best for my girl and not what’s best for my pride. The quickest way for me to make money is to waitress at a bar on the weekends. To do that, I have to have someone watch Mariah overnight on Friday and Saturday and schedule in time to see her during the day. I hate giving up all that time with her, but I just keep telling myself that it’s a necessary evil and only short term. I only need to do this for three months until those benefits kick in.

John bought me a nice used car and refused to let me pay him anything for it. He said it made him feel better to know we weren’t riding around in that old piece of shit I had before. My new car is a cute little Honda Civic that’s only about four years old and was owned by an old woman from their church, so there were only about fifteen thousand miles on it. Johnny said he’s been servicing that car since the lady bought it, so he knows it’s in excellent condition.

I’ve never been more thankful for a person than I am for Lisa Browning. As strange as that is to say, if it weren’t for her kindness, we’d be living on the streets with no hope of ever getting off of them. The sad part is, it makes me hate Matt even more. I can’t believe he’d cheat on such an amazing woman. I don’t know anyone as selfless as she is. Who does what she’s done for Mariah under those circumstances, with the money and with the Brownings? I’m still floored and trying to find a way to thank her that might be appropriate. There’s not really a Hallmark card that says thanks to my baby-daddy’s wife for saving my life.

****

It’s the Thursday after I move into my own place, and I’ve just gotten Mariah into the high chair when I hear a knock at the door. When I look through the peephole, I see Johnny. I wasn’t expecting him, so I’m a little perplexed as to why he’s here. I open the door.

“Hey, Johnny.”

“Hi, Jill. I thought maybe you’d like some pizza tonight. I hope I caught you before you made dinner.” His smile is bright as he holds up the pizza box.

“No. I mean yes. I mean no, I haven’t eaten; yes, I’d like pizza. Come on in.” I step aside so he can come in. He greets Mariah with a kiss on the cheek and gets busy doling out the pizza.

“I appreciate you bringing pizza over, but I have to ask, why?” I chew on the inside of my lip waiting for his response.

“You don’t know anyone here, and you worked all day.” He shrugs. “I just thought it might help.”

My hearts thumps a little stronger listening to his words. “It does. I’m just not used to anyone thinking of me.”

“Well, it’s time you start expecting that sort of thing. If the people around you care, they’re going to do things like this sometimes. Now, come on and eat. I can feed the baby.”

I don’t argue, I just thank him and dig in.

After dinner, we sit in the living room and talk for an hour before he excuses himself. For being a beast of a man, he has the most tender and thoughtful heart. I can’t figure out why he’s single; he’s such a good catch. Once he’s gone and I’m lying in my bed alone, I find myself thinking about what it would feel like to have strong arms like his wrapped around me. There’s a feeling of safety in his presence that I’ve never felt with anyone, and I love when he’s around.

****

It’s been a month and a half since I moved to Cincinnati and although things are going well here, I’m lonely as hell. Johnny’s been over three more times with pizza or Chinese food, and I’ve enjoyed those moments immensely, but I’ve only made one friend, Valerie, and I only see her on the weekends at the bar. I have the Brownings who are fantastic, but they are not my people. They have all taken to helping with Mariah, even Tara, Matt’s sister who makes no secret of hating me. They all treat Mariah like a little angel and fight to watch her. Steve even bought his own car seat, and it has a permanent place in the backseat of his truck. John, Judy, and Johnny have been awesome to me, but it’s not the same as having a friend or a boyfriend or even my own family. Some days I just want someone to talk to that cares about more than just my daughter or someone that doesn’t babble and coo. It’s better that I don’t, though, because I have no idea where I’d find the time for a friend.

Even though I had no one in Indy, it didn’t seem as lonely. Maybe it was because I wasn’t surrounded by people who have close relationships with one another and enjoy being together. They try to include me, but I know they’re just being nice, which makes me feel even more like an outsider. You’d think with my lack of time I wouldn’t even notice, but I do. I notice every hug, every smile, every laugh, and every look they all share. Those are the things I’ve craved all of my life and have never found. I thought I had it with Matt, but it’s obvious that was a farce. It’s almost worse to think you have it and then have it jerked away.

My crazy schedule goes like this: I leave my house at five forty-five Monday through Thursday and don’t get home until almost eight o’clock at night. Then I spend a few minutes with Mariah and put her to bed. On Friday, I work at the bar, so I leave my house at five forty-five for the school job and don’t usually drag back through my door until two in the morning or later, after the bar job. Mariah stays with Steve or Tara on those nights. I pick her up at eight in the morning on Saturday and spend as much time with her as I can, because I don’t see her more than a few minutes during the week. Then I drop her back off at six thirty in the evening on Saturday at Judy’s. On Sunday, I don’t pick her up until the late afternoon because I work the day shift. Then I have a few hours with her before she goes to bed.

It’s a tough schedule to keep, and it’s slowly killing me. I can see the dark circles under my eyes when I look in the mirror. I’ve lost some weight, and I’m afraid I’ll end up sick, but I can’t ask for any more help. I’m already blessed beyond reason with what I have.

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and I’ve been asked to work at the bar. They tell me it’s the biggest bar night of the year, and after clearing it with Tara, I accept. I don’t work at the school because of the holiday on Thursday and Friday.

I drop Mariah off with Tara’s husband, because she and the rest of the family are at John and Judy’s. Apparently, Lisa is coming to town and has asked to see them this evening, so we all thought it would be better if the baby wasn’t there. After I leave her house, I merge onto I-275 to go to work and, of course, since this is my life, something has to go wrong. I blow a tire. I pull off to the side of the road with a thunk, thunk, thunk as the flat, lopsided rubber rolls under my rim.

Groaning in frustration, I get out of the car and try to change it myself, but once I get the tire off and pull the spare out of the trunk I realize that my spare is flat. I have no way to fix this without help, and as much as I hate to ask for more of that, I have no choice. I remove my ancient cell phone from my purse and with frozen fingers dial the number to work to let them know I’ll be late. My boss is sizzling with attitude and threatens to fire me, but I can’t change the tire with a magician’s wand, so he’ll just have to wait.

The cars are speeding past me, thrusting the frigid air at me like the winds of a hurricane and it’s already cold as hell out here. My body gives an involuntary shudder, so I climb back in my car and ponder a way out of this without calling the Brownings. It’s at this point when something inside me cracks a little, and I realize just how helpless I am and how little I can take care of myself. I don’t have AAA and a tow truck would defeat the purpose of working tonight because I’d just use my tips to pay for that and a taxi. The tears begin to fall. Not just a tear here or there, but big wet ones with snot and sobbing hiccups. Truth be told, I’m exhausted and feeling sorry for myself.

I calm myself down the best I can and do the only thing I know to do; I call Johnny. I’m most comfortable with him, and he’s a mechanic. Actually, he owns his own shop, but he still does some of the work, and I know he could help me quickly and get me back on the road with little effort. I just hate to call because he’s supposed to be seeing Lisa right about now.

Johnny answers on the second ring.

“Jill? Are you okay?” Concern is evident in his voice. He doesn’t even say hello.

“Yes, well, no.” I sniffle louder than I mean to. “I have a flat. I can usually change a tire, but the spare is flat. I’m sorry; I know Lisa will be there soon. I can change it once the spare is pumped up. I’m already late for work, and my boss is threatening to fire me.”

He’s quiet a moment before he asks, “Where are you?” The grumble of his voice is deeper than usual, and I can tell I’ve upset him.

“Southbound on I-275 past the Beechmont exit.”

“You’re going to change a tire on the side of the interstate in the dark? No fucking way! I’ll be there in about ten minutes. Stay in your car and lock the doors. Do not open up for anyone but me. Got it?” Irritation drips from his voice as he barks out orders.

“I got it, but I’ll be okay. I just need help with the spare. I don’t want you to miss your company.”

“Goddammit, woman. Don’t argue with me. I’ll be there soon. Do what I’ve told you to do.” His command is harsh and has me cowering a little.

“Okay, Johnny. Thank you,” I say, keeping my voice quiet, hoping to calm him down.

As he’s hanging up, I can hear him fussing. I feel awful about it. I know he’s mad at me, and that just makes me cry again. I swear my life is never going to get better. Always imposing on other people, asking for too much. Living paycheck to paycheck. I just don’t see an end in sight.

It’s not a full ten minutes later when Johnny is standing by the door to my car tapping on the window, a scowl on his handsome face.

“Grab your purse and give me your keys,” he demands. There are no pleasantries, just orders from an irritated man.

“Why? I just need you to pump up the spare so I can get to work and worry about the rest later.”

“You’re not riding on a pumped up spare tire. My tow truck guy is going to come get it and take it to the shop. I’ll get you a regular tire, a new spare, and take your car to work. For now, I’m going to drive you there, so grab your stuff.”

“I can’t ask you to do all of that. It’s a holiday, and you have company visiting.”

“Don’t argue with me. Just get in my truck and give me your keys. I’m going to handle this, and I don’t want a bunch of lip about it.” His tone brooks no argument, so I grab my stuff, yank my coat tight around my body, and make my way to his truck.

It’s freaking cold, and I have a headache from crying so much. The guilt about taking him away from his family tonight is weighing me down, and I just want to go home, but I have to work. I have two more months of these crazy hours. I can survive that. Or that’s what I keep telling myself.

Two hours after he drops me off at the bar, he returns and gives me my keys without a word. Instead of leaving, he sits down at the bar and buys a drink. What in the hell is he doing? He’s supposed to be seeing Lisa. I don’t want his whole family to think I’m trying to keep him from her. He hasn’t said a word to me. He just watches me hustle around the room.

Even pissed off, he’s hot. Not your polished suit-and-tie kind of sexy. He’s the rough hands, five o’clock shadow, body ripped with muscles from blue-collar work kind of hot. Sometimes when I see him right after work, I can still smell the auto shop on him, and it does funny things to my libido. I think if he weren’t Matt’s brother, I’d have launched myself at him by now. While he sits there at the bar, looking all broody, it does nothing but amp the heat up between my legs more. Why is it that I’m ready to drag him to a supply closet and rip his clothes off when he’s so pissed at me and won’t look me in the eye? I must be a complete idiot.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong every time I steal a glance at him, but I just can’t seem to help myself. If it weren’t so busy in here, I’d be having full, detailed fantasies about him while I work.

Close to eleven o’clock, the crowd gets thicker and rowdier. The guys are more than halfway drunk, and of course when it’s like this, they tend to get touchy-feely. It’s my least favorite part of working at a bar. I step up to get drink orders from a loud group of college age guys in the corner when one of them grabs me and pins me to the wall, knocking my serving tray to the floor.

“Let me go, Asshole!” I yell at him over the music as I squirm to get away from him.

A sliver of panic crawls over me when he laughs at my request. He’s too drunk to care that I’m not into this. This guy reeks of cheap booze and cigarettes, and I’m freaking out. The bouncers are either by the dance floor or by the entrance, and there is no one to help me. No one in his group is even paying attention to what’s going on. I panic enough that I kick up and catch him in the nuts. Instead of falling to the ground like they do in the movies, he bends forward a little and cracks my cheek with a backhand powerful enough to drop me to the ground in a heap. The force of the blow is so hard it feels like a frying pan hit my face.

College boy is still standing in front of me complaining about the kick I gave him while I’m on my knees trying to clear my eyes and figure out how to get out of this situation. Before I can do anything, he’s yanked from in front of me, and I jump to my feet hoping to scramble away while I have the chance. I’m startled to realize that Johnny is wailing on this guy with his fists.

It doesn’t take even a minute for the bouncers to be there breaking it up. They’re dragging Johnny to the door along with the asshole that hit me. I run after the bouncer who has Johnny and yell at him that Johnny was just trying to help me. He ignores me and continues pushing his way through the crowd. We get all the way outside when the bouncer turns to me and says, “If you fight in our club, you get kicked out. It doesn’t matter the reason. He’s got to go.”

Johnny spins on him and gets in his face.

“That guy hit her. He pinned her against the wall, and when she fought back, he backhanded her and there was no one there to take care of her. I wasn’t just going to let that go. Someone has to look out for her.”

Johnny is breathing fire, he’s so furious.

“Man, it’s packed in there. We’re doing the best we can. Now go on home. She’ll be fine. That guy is out of there now, so no more worries.”

The bouncer turns on his heel to stalk away.

“Fuck that, man. If I’m not in there, who is going to keep an eye on her? Are you too busy to keep your fucking servers safe?”

“No, it’s just a busy night. Shit happens. She’ll get over it and go back to do her job.”

That’s the wrong thing for the bouncer to say because Johnny turns to me and orders, “Get your shit, Jill. You’re not staying somewhere you aren’t safe. And this fuckwad can’t guarantee that you will be. Let’s go.”

His tone leaves no room for argument, but I still have bills to pay so I argue anyway.

“Johnny, I can’t quit. I’ve got extra bills to pay at least for a few more months. It’ll be okay. I’m sure I’ll be fine the rest of the night.”

“No, it fucking won’t. Grab your shit and let’s go. Let me worry about the bills. It’s not good for your daughter if you end up in the hospital because some douchebag put his hands on you. Now get your shit and get to the car.”

He’s flaming mad. Scary mad. It’s similar to the day that Matt left me, but the anger is not directed at me, it’s directed at the guy who hit me and the bouncer that couldn’t keep me safe. The fury in his eyes is frightening, but in the end, I do what he says because he’s right. He’s not trying to scare me; he’s trying to help me. I’ll look for another job starting Friday.

“Okay, Johnny. Let me get my stuff and tell the manager.”

“I’ll wait right here. If you aren’t out of there in five minutes, I’m coming in for you.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

Five minutes later, I’m back in my car and headed to Tara’s to get Mariah. I’d said goodbye to Johnny, but he just grunted at me. When I pull up to Tara’s house the lights are out, so I turn around and head home. I hadn’t realized how late it was until I pulled in her driveway. Tears roll down my cheeks the whole way home. I shouldn’t have any left the way I’ve sobbed all day, but it seems that I haven’t cried myself out all the way. When I pull into my complex, I notice that Johnny’s truck is parked right next to my normal spot. Shit. Is he here to yell at me now? I don’t think I can take anything else happening tonight.

I get out of my car and swipe at my eyes. Johnny gets out and follows behind me without a word. I open the door and let him follow me in. I don’t say anything because I’m not sure what to say. With my back to him, I set my purse down on the table and close my eyes. I wait for the yelling to start. It doesn’t happen.

Instead, his hand grabs my arm turning me around to face him. With one look at my face, his eyes soften. He pulls me into his big, strong arms, and I fall apart again, sobbing and shaking while he holds me. Eventually, he carries me over to the couch, sits down, and nestles me into his lap. Then he wraps his arms back around me and pushes my head to his chest. I’m sure I look like a little kid in his lap, crying into his shirt, but I don’t care. I’m just thankful to have someone hold me. So damn thankful. It’s been too long.

His hand brushes over my hair with tender strokes until I finally settle down, and the only sounds left are the hiccup at the end of a sob-fest and my sniffles. The rhythm of his hands and the rise and fall of his chest are soothing me like nothing has in a very long time.

“I’m sorry about the job, Jill, but they couldn’t keep you safe. When I saw that guy pin you to the wall, I started trying to get to you. I was still a few people away when he hit you, and I swear to God I couldn’t think of anything better than killing him.”

“Thanks for helping me. I can find another job. I’m just so tired of barely getting by. I work so hard. I’m so damn tired all the time, but I try not to think about that. Instead, I try to focus on how lucky I am to have Mariah and all of you to help. Then I feel guilty about having to rely on you all. I know Tara hates me, and Steve isn’t much better. If I could find another way, I swear I would. My life is such a damn mess. It always has been, though. The best days of my life were with Matt. I’ve never had anyone treat me that good. What I got from him at the end was just par for the course. My parents even hate me. As a mother, I have no idea how in the world you can hate your kid. I’d do absolutely anything for my girl.”

“God, how could someone as sweet as you get dealt such a shitty hand in life? I fucking hate my brother for what he did to you. He was such an asshole, and I can’t even tell him that. I was envious of him for years. He had a great job where he made a ridiculous amount of money, had a nice house, and an awesome wife, only to find out that he was a fraud and a user.”

I have nothing to say to that, because it’s the honest to God truth. We stay quiet for a long time, and I know I should let him go, but I’m feeling selfish and can’t end it before he does. At some point, I must doze off because I feel myself being lifted. I blink my eyes open and realize it’s Johnny carrying me, so I turn my head into his shirt and take a deep breath through my nose. I’m trying to soak up the light mix of auto shop and cologne that’s all Johnny; it’s a manly scent I now crave. I almost want to roll around on him like a dog in the grass, so I can have it all over my clothes for the rest of the night.

Gently, he sets me on my feet and brushes the hair over my shoulders, following the movement of his hands with his eyes. Then he steps closer, so much closer that I get the hint of beer on his breath from the bar. My knees go a little weak, and I hope that I don’t embarrass myself by falling in front of him. His big, calloused hands shift from my neck to my jaw where he holds my face reverently as he stares into my eyes.

His emerald greens shine with lust and need, and by the way my core is heating, I’m certain he can see the same in mine. He leans in and places his lips on mine, softly, sweetly, closed at first. Our mouths fit so perfectly together. Then I slide my arms around his neck and open up for him, desire pulling me in. He gives a low groan, and licks my lower lip before sliding his tongue into my mouth.

Our tongues tangle in a passionate dance of perfect synchronicity, like we’ve been doing this together forever. My hands explore the ridges and dips of his chest as he grips my ass and lifts, holding us pelvis to pelvis. My legs automatically wrap around his waist, and there’s no doubt what he wants from me in that moment. I shift my hips so that his rock hard cock hits the perfect spot at my center. I moan into our kiss and roll my hips this time working on getting the perfect level of friction through our clothes. He takes two, long steps, and traps me against the wall so I can’t move. My body is on fire; I’m so hot for him and what he’s willing to give me. God, I’ve dreamt about this moment a hundred times since he walked into my apartment in Indiana, and I’m having a hard time remembering why this wasn’t a good idea.

Gripping the bottom of my blouse, he tugs upward until I’m free of it. His large hand slides up my bare torso tugging the cup of my bra down so he can access the sensitive point beneath the fabric. The first pass his thumb makes over it robs me of my breath, and I do my best to arch my back, pushing more of me into his hand. I can feel his smile against my lips right before he pinches the tight bud between his pointer finger and thumb. Lightning zings straight to my clit and I cry out. The sensation is so strong and the feeling is so good that I moan again, begging for more. I’m almost delirious as his hand shifts to the other breast, moving the cup a little more roughly before he pinches again. He shifts his mouth from mine to suck my nipple hard into his mouth while his tongue twirls inside. My head thumps against the drywall as I throw it back while my eyes squeeze shut. “Johnny!”

I open my eyes, and with his head bent worshiping my engorged breasts, I’m able to really look around the room for the first time. What I see is like a cold bucket of water tossed over my head. Mariah’s toys lay all over the house. Her blanket is tossed over the side of the couch, and a pack of new diapers sits on the table. It’s then that I realize what I’m really doing and with whom I’m doing it. He must feel the change in my body language, the instant switch from hot to cold, because he lifts his head to look me in the eyes. It only takes a second or two before he lowers me to my feet and holds me tight against his chest, in a hug I’ve been craving for months.

I can feel the wild thrumming of his heart in his chest as he fights for control of his body. The lust-fog was cleared for me the minute I realized I was about to have sex with Matt’s brother. It doesn’t matter that Matt was a jerk and now dead, it only matters that things would never work out for us and then it would be awkward for everyone.

With a heavy layer of regret blanketing my heart I tell him, “We shouldn’t have done that.”

He searches my face with wary eyes. “Why? We aren’t doing anything wrong.”

“I don’t need to make things any more complicated with your family than they already are.”

His arms drop to his sides and he steps back.

“What do you mean?” His confusion is obvious.

I lean over, snatch my shirt off the floor, and slide it back over my head as I answer. “You’re the brother of my dead baby-daddy. Your family is helping me to survive and raise Mariah. Your sister and brother already hate me. Your parents would freak out. I can’t imagine how much more that would be amplified if they got wind of what just happened. I can’t risk losing the only real family life for my child that she’ll ever know over lust. The price is too high.”

“You think I’d do anything that would hurt you or Mariah? Do you think I’d risk hurting you both to satisfy a lusty urge?” He sounds a little angry.

“Not purposely, no. I’m just not in a position where I can risk it. I like you a lot, more than I should. I enjoy your company, and I think you’re sexy as hell. I appreciate all that you do for me and my daughter, but I can’t let it go any farther.”

He takes two more steps back. The heat of his body is completely gone from mine now, and I miss it already. I can see the hurt flash in his eyes right before he turns for the door.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought there was more to it with us, but if I’m only here to help out sometimes, I guess that’s what I’ll do. You’re right; I never should have kissed you, but not for the reasons you gave me. I actually give a shit about you, and you obviously don’t feel the same. That wasn’t a spur of the moment kiss. Nothing that just happened was an impulsive mistake. I’ve been dreaming of that since the first day I met you. If you decide to get your head out of your ass, let me know. I’ll see you at Mom’s tomorrow.”

I clench my eyes closed, cringing at his words. The only sound I hear is his boots clumping his retreat through the entranceway to the door. The smell of him has dissipated, and I’m standing here stunned. I don’t even have a chance to respond, he’s gone so fast. I’m not sure what to make of any of that.

Does he really feel that way? He wasn’t looking for a one-night stand? Oh God, I’m seriously unequipped to make good judgment calls. It seems like my life is a series of mistakes that I can’t escape. I bolt for the door, throwing it open as I sprint to the parking lot.

“Johnny! Johnny!” I scream.

He’s almost to his truck by the time he turns back to me.

“Wait, Johnny. Don’t leave mad. Please.” I plead with him.

His expression is stormy under the parking lot lights, and I hate that I’m responsible for that.

“Johnny, I’m sorry. Please understand. I want you in more ways than I should, but it’s not what’s best for my daughter. If it didn’t work out with us, things would be worse for me than they already are. Your family—”

He cuts me off. “Don’t bring my family into this. They don’t get a say in who I date or who shares my bed. I love them, but this isn’t about them. It’s about you and me.” He punctuates that by pointing at me and then at himself.

“If you don’t feel anything for me then just say it. If you do, stop wasting our time and let nature takes its course. What’s it going to be, Jill?”

“I want you. I want there to be an us, but it’s not the right thing. You’ve got to know that. I’m your brother’s ex, the woman he cheated with. That’s messed up, Johnny. It’ll never be okay for us to be together.”

His eyes and face lower to look at the asphalt. He shakes his head, and I’m wondering what he’ll say next. He doesn’t speak; he swiftly moves into my space and cups my jaw with his large hands as tenderly as possible. Then he kisses me. It’s deep, it’s hard, and it’s full of meaning. Unfortunately, the meaning is goodbye. He separates from me and backs away.

“I think you’re wrong, Jill, but if you don’t want me, I won’t beg. Just know that what we have between us doesn’t come along very often, and you’re throwing away something special. Goodbye, Jill.”

“Johnny?”

He stops and waits, but never turns around. His hands are fisted in irritation, and his shoulders are tense. I don’t know what to say so I stand there, freezing my butt off in the parking lot, wishing I were someone different, someone who deserves Johnny Browning and would be free to love him without issue. He tires of waiting for me to speak, so he gets in his truck and drives away, taking my heart with him.

****

It’s hours before I fall asleep, so when my alarm sounds, I curse it as I smack it to turn off and get up. After I shower and get ready, I head to Johnny’s hoping to catch him before he goes to his mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner.

I arrive at his house and realize that his truck isn’t in the driveway, but it could be in the garage, so I climb the couple of steps to reach his front door and knock. After a couple of minutes, I realize he’s not home, so I turn to leave. Standing on the other side of the fence is a gorgeous woman, who looks to be around my age, and she’s watching me. Her raven hair is cut into a sleek bob. She’s in a short dress with stockings and knee high, kick-ass black boots.

“Are you looking for Johnny?”

“Yes, have you seen him?”

“Yeah, he left a couple of hours ago when my husband and I were coming back from our morning run. He was in a foul mood, so it’s probably good you missed him.”

“I’m certain that foul mood is my fault. I was trying to come apologize before I encounter that mood at his parents’ house. Nothing like attitude at a holiday dinner table.” I huff out an uncomfortable laugh.

“You must be Jill.” She smiles brightly at me.

“Yes, should I ask how you know that?”

“Don’t worry. I’m not judging, but just so you know, my parents are friends with John and Judy, so I know your story. Or at least the way they tell it. Our parents have been best friends since we were kids. I grew up down the street from them.”

“Great.” I’m sure the frustration is evident in my voice. I shift nervously as I suddenly wonder how many people know “my story.”

“My name’s Cici Hannigan. Short for Cecilia, but if you call me that, I may have to egg your car. As a kid, my mom sang that damn song to me so much I wanted to tape her mouth shut. Cecilia sounds too fancy anyway; I’m definitely a Cici. It’s nice to finally meet you. John and Judy have had a lot of nice things to say, and your daughter is adorable. I saw her when she was with Johnny one day. That man is gone over her and so sweet with her. I’m not used to seeing him like that; it’s nice.”

“I’m surprised you’ve heard good things considering how we came to be a part of their lives.”

“That’s not your fault, or at least that’s what John says. Also, I knew Matt for years, the real Matt. So it doesn’t surprise me one bit. He was a douchebag in a sexy suit.”

A dark look crosses her features, but she clears it just as fast as it came on.

“Can I ask what happened to your face?”

Groaning, I answer, “I worked at a bar until last night; one of the customers got a little too rowdy.”

“That’s pretty bad. Did you press charges?”

“No, I don’t need any more issues. Besides, Johnny took care of that guy.”

“Hey, some of my girlfriends and I go out about once a month for a girls’ night out. Wanna join us? I’m not sure when the next one will be, but I’ll call when I know.”

“It depends on my job situation. Even though I quit the bar last night, I’m looking for a different weekend job now.”

“I’ll get your number from Johnny and give you a call. It was nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Cici.”

I climb in my car and head for the Browning home. Cici seems really nice. God, it would be so nice to have girlfriends again. It’s been since high school that I’ve had anyone I was close with. My parents effectively scared them off as we got older.

****

Johnny

I can’t believe Jill spewed all of that bullshit at me. It’s almost like she thought I was only there to fuck her and then move on like nothing happened. I know her situation with my family is complicated. I also know they’d flip out if they knew how I feel about her, but I’m a grown man. I don’t need their permission for this shit, and neither does she. They aren’t going to cut her or Mariah out of their lives because they disapprove of our relationship.

Maybe I misread the cues. I don’t usually have that problem. Women tend to be obvious about what they want even when they don’t say it out loud. I thought she was into me, thought I’d sensed that for a couple of weeks now. Fuck. If she doesn’t want me, then I’ll be sure to keep my distance. Well, as much as I can. It’s going to be difficult tomorrow since we’re all getting together for the holiday, but after that I can make myself scarce.

The next morning, I’m exhausted and irritated. It takes me a two-hour workout to settle down enough to show up for the family dinner. I’m not quite ready to face Jill. Like a moth to a flame I’m drawn to her like no one ever before, and it pisses me off that she won’t even consider me an option. I already bit Cici’s head off this morning in the front yard for no reason. I owe her and Denton an apology, but that will have to wait until I’ve calmed down.

I try to think of anything other than that hot little encounter with her last night and the words that followed as I walk into my parent’s house. Bobby’s car is in the driveway, but I don’t think anyone else is here yet.

Tara’s in the kitchen helping Mom, and Bobby is on the floor playing with Mariah. As soon as that baby sees me, she lifts her chunky little arms up in a come-get-me motion and gives me the biggest damn grin. This kid is too cute. I’ve fallen for her as fast and as hard as her mother. I sweep her up into my arms and tickle her little belly. She giggles like crazy and yanks at my goatee in between smacks on my cheek. That’s our thing, and I secretly love it.

I walk into the kitchen to say hi to the ladies and kiss them both on the cheek.

My sister appears a little tired so I ask, “You okay, Sis?”

She sighs.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. Just tired. Mariah was up a lot last night. She must be teething because she wouldn’t settle. It’s unlike her, but I’m okay. I’ll get a nap after we eat. I just hope she sleeps tonight. I can’t do another night like last night.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. Jillian quit her job last night. She’ll look for another one I’m sure, but some guy tried to grope her and when she resisted, he backhanded her. I saw the whole thing. I ended up kicking the guy’s ass and got thrown out. When she followed me, the bouncer said he was too busy to keep an eye on everyone, meaning he didn’t give a shit. Jill was ready to walk back in the door for the paycheck, but I told her no way and made her go home.”

Both my mom and sister are staring at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“What? You think I should’ve let her go back in there? No freakin’ way. It was too dangerous.”

“She listened to you?” my mom inquires.

“Yeah, I told her it wouldn’t be the best idea for Mariah to see her all beat up if someone acted like that again and a bouncer wasn’t around to help her. It’s one thing to work in a place like that when the bouncers keep the ladies safe, but when they don’t care? Not worth it. She has to think about the baby now.”

Mom watches me with a thoughtful expression for a minute and then goes back to her task.

Tara says in her snottiest tone, “Well, whatever, at least I’ll get some sleep tonight. She can finally watch her own kid. I feel like I’m being used.”

Whoa! What the hell? That came out of nowhere.

About that time, we hear the rustle of a bag and the thump of something heavy hit the floor behind us. Jill stands in the doorway with a huge black and blue mark across her cheek and a shocked expression, like she’s been slapped. I have no idea what she’s heard or what she thinks was said, but I can tell by the look on her face it’s not good. After our conversation last night, I’m not sure what to do.

The hurt on her face is so apparent it pains me to look at her. The room is dead silent for a whole minute, and no one moves or says a word until she finally speaks up. Her voice shakes like she’s barely holding on. I want to go to her, to comfort her or something. I want to do anything to get that look off her face, but I don’t. I stand frozen, partially because of our words from last night and partially in fear.

“Tara, if watching my kid is too much for you, why didn’t you say something? I would’ve figured something else out. I thought you wanted to do it. I never meant to push her on you.”

Jill’s eyes fill with tears, and I notice that her empty hands are trembling with emotion. My sister spins around to her and with more venom than I thought possible, blurts out, “Of course you didn’t, but my parents are too old to be staying up all night with a screaming kid. I take her so they don’t have to. My brothers say they will but so far haven’t done it willingly. There’s no one left. I’m not going to leave my niece to fend for herself, since you have better things to do.”

I can tell Jill is close to losing it. Quietly, and I’m talking the spooky quietly where you know someone is about to unleash hell on your ass, Jill squares her shoulders and says, “Tara, first of all, I would never leave my infant to fend for herself. I don’t know why you’d think I would. That tells me everything about what you think of me. Second, you will no longer be bothered with my screaming kid. In fact, I won’t push her on any of you anymore. I had no idea you all felt that way. I thought you wanted her. I knew you didn’t want me, would rather I disappear, but not her. This was her only shot at a real family. My family hates me as much as you do. I’m so damn sorry I did this to all of you. I should never have come here; I just wish I’d heard this long before today.”

Her eyes are swimming with tears. She strides over and carefully takes Mariah from my arms placing a sweet kiss on her little head.

“Jill.” I mutter her name, emotion thick in my voice. I know she’s hurting, and I hate it.

I want her to look at me, to know that I don’t feel the way that my sister does, that none of us do, but she won’t. The tears are running like a river down her beautiful face. Mariah reaches back for me, but Jill holds her close and walks back out the door without another word. I follow her through the kitchen door and watch with a deepening sadness as she grabs her purse and the diaper bag from the couch as she leaves.

I wish I could’ve stopped her, but I have no idea what words to use. My sister was hateful, and I’m not sure what I could say to make things better. I march back into the kitchen pissed as hell ready to face off with Tara.

“Tara!” I hear my mom admonish as she cries.

Tara won’t look at her. She just cusses and slams pots all around. Bobby and my dad rush into the room as I lose it.

“What the fuck, Tara? Seriously? What was that all about? I said a million times I’d take that baby overnight, but you always insisted. You acted like having her with you was the best thing in the world. Now you’re acting like there’s nothing worse. Are you fucking kidding me? Jill already thinks you hate her. Why would you do that?”

Tara turns furious eyes on me.

“I do hate her! She’s using us, goddamn it! She’s taken over our lives. We had to rearrange everything last night so Lisa could visit without it being an issue. Bobby had to miss being here just so Jill could go to work and have someone else take responsibility for her kid. Then she had to drag you away, too, to fix her car. When she was playing the other woman, she should’ve realized that she might get stuck holding the bag. That’s what happens when you spread your legs for anyone, taking what isn’t yours to begin with.”

My mother gasps and slaps her hand over her own mouth. My dad just continues to glare at all of us, pissed off. He doesn’t say a word; it’s almost like he’s just waiting for us to drop all of the dirt before he wades in.

“And don’t forget that she fucking killed our brother!” Tara screeches.

I grip the edge of the island and lean across to where she stands. If I could breathe fire, there is no doubt I would right now.

“Tara, shut the hell up. That’s not true. Matt was a…fuckingcheater! Jill wasn’t the only one he was with. There were three others at the exact same time as her, and she didn’t know it. She thought she was his one and only. It’s not Jill’s fault that he juggled several women at the same time, finally got one pregnant, and then stressed out so bad he had a heart attack. Jill thought they were starting a family together. So his reaction to her news was not her fault. He was the one who was married and lied to his wife. He’s the one who used her and promised her everything he knew he’d never deliver on.

“Your perfect fucking Matt was a disgrace to our family and to husbands everywhere. It’s screwed up that you’d stand there and blame Jill for everything. She has been nothing but nice to all of us. She knows you and Steve don’t like her, but she puts up with the dirty looks and whispers behind her back so that her kid can have a relationship with us. Would you do that? No. Fucking. Way. Instead of helping her to make the best of this jacked up situation, you’re tearing her down. I’m ashamed to call you my sister right now.”

At the end of my last statement, my dad finally blows his top. “Enough!” He yells and slams his hands down on the counter with a bang causing everyone to jump. His face is as red as a tomato. His eyes are hard, and I can tell he’s more pissed than he has ever been. Bobby is still in the doorway a few steps behind him and has not moved to Tara’s side. Steve and Mary have arrived and are standing behind Bobby with perplexed looks on their faces. Mom is standing with her head down sobbing, as my dad makes his way across the room to her. He pulls her into his arms and whispers in her ear.

I turn to leave the room, and my dad growls, “Not another damn step, son. No one moves, no one leaves this room until you hear what I have to say.”

I freeze. My dad hasn’t made a demand like that since Matt, Steve, and I broke a bunch of windows in the neighbor’s house when we were teenagers.

We all wait in uncomfortable silence until he gets my mom calmed down. Steve and Mary have moved into the room, but Bobby is still lingering by the door as he watches with wide eyes while this whole thing plays out. My dad turns so he can face us while still holding onto my mom who hasn’t stopped crying.

“First of all,” he points his finger at my sister, “Tara, if you didn’t want to watch the baby, you should have said so. Your mother and I raised four kids and had no problem sharing baby duty in the middle of the night. We have a system we developed many years ago. We may be a little tired in the morning, but it’s nothing we can’t handle. We thought you’d like having a baby in the house and knowing how you idolized Matt, we thought it would be good for you to spend the time with her.

“Now that we know you don’t feel that way, we’ll be sure to keep you out of the loop. I can’t and won’t force her on you. She’s a baby, a happy baby, and I want to keep it that way. If she senses your negative feelings toward her, she’ll lose her little happy.

“As for the things you said about Jill and Matt, you’re wrong.” Dad’s face is stone cold serious. “Matt lied to her and lied to several other women, too. I decided to talk to them. I was curious. Turns out they all got the same story. He traveled for work and just wanted to take things slow. In each town, he had a different one. Jill was the only one who happened to get pregnant. They all loved him, thought he was it for them. Those were some of the worst conversations of my life, but I had to know. I’m sure there were girls even before that, but I decided to stop digging up information.

“Tara, I don’t have a clue about what’s going on with your marriage, but I’m thinking that your issues aren’t with Jill, they’re with your own husband. Work them out. Don’t bring that shit here and shovel it on everyone else. I love you, your mother loves you, your brothers love you, but you’re a grown woman. Stop acting like a spoiled twelve year old. If you need to talk, just say something. We will be glad to listen to you. Don’t treat other people like punching bags. It’s not how you were raised.”

He turns to Steve next.

“I don’t know what your issue is either. Maybe you feel some kind of loyalty to Lisa, and I get that. I love Lisa like my own daughter, probably always will. I would do anything for her, but there is nothing to protect her from anymore. She’s had to face it all. She wants us to have a relationship with Mariah and Jill. Hell, she gave us Jill’s contact information. She gets the bigger picture here. She doesn’t expect any of us to shun Jill for her. You need to get over your shit, but if you can’t make that happen, then make yourself scarce when she’s here. I won’t tolerate anyone treating her that way under my roof when she has been through so much already. She got enough shit from your brother to last a lifetime, and I plan to spend the rest of my life making up for that.”

He rotates his torso toward me and drills me with his eyes.

“Johnny, I realize you’ve gone and fallen for that girl.”

There’s an audible gasp from all the women in the room. Bobby is bug-eyed, and Steve looks pissed.

“I understand that. She’s sweet, she works hard, she’s good looking, she’s a great mamma, and she adores you. Appreciates every little thing you do, but she is an emotional mess trying to find her place in this family and in the world. She has to find that on her own. You can’t force it. Even if you make her yours, it won’t automatically get her acceptance. Everyone has to accept her for who she is in their own time. I’m glad you want to protect her. Hell, I do, too, but there are some things we just can’t protect her from. I’m not going to pass judgment on you for falling in love. It’s the way of the world. It doesn’t matter that she was Matt’s first. He never respected her, and I’m not sure he ever loved her, so he didn’t deserve her.

“But the bottom line is this—and everyone listen closely.” He looks around the room making eye contact with everyone as he goes. “Matt. Is. Dead.” He punctuates every word with his pointer finger into the counter like he’s physically placing periods. “He’s not coming back. He was my son, and I love him still, but I’ve never been more ashamed in my life than I am of who he turned out to be. I don’t care that he had a nice house, a college degree, and a good job. He was not a good man. He used women and cheated on all of them and to be honest, they were all wonderful women, and those are just the ones we know about.”

He turns back to me and says a little more calmly.

“If you care about Jillian and you think you can love her like she deserves, then go for it. Your mother and I will support you. But don’t go after her unless you have ideas for the long run. She’s not the kind of girl you date for a couple of months and walk away from.

“Now, the last thing I’m going to say is this. I don’t ever want to hear again that Jill killed Matt. Matt killed himself. He put all the stress on himself by juggling different women and having unprotected sex. Once the shit hit the fan, he knew he was losing control, and the stress is what got him. It’s not scientifically proven, but that’s the only reason a healthy thirty-two-year-old man has a massive heart attack. Stress.”

My dad walks over to my sister who is looking at the floor with tears in her eyes, arms crossed tight against her chest. He places his hands on her shoulders, and she looks up at him.

“Honey, Jill didn’t kill Matt. Matt killed Matt. I love you, but your anger is misplaced. Let it go. Try to be reasonable. It’s okay to realize you loved and idolized a flawed man. We all did. We just have to accept that and move on. Stop putting the blame where it doesn’t belong. Okay?”

She nods and then falls into my dad’s arms sobbing.

Bobby strides toward her and takes her from my dad.

I hear Bobby tell her in a quiet voice, “I’d never do to you what Matt did. I promise. Never. I love you, and I know you deserve better than that. You have to start trusting me again. Don’t lump me in with Matt. Not every man is like him.”

He leads her out of the room. Steve asks what happened, and I give him the CliffsNotes version.

“Shit.” Steve grunts out. “I do like her. I stopped blaming her pretty quickly but just didn’t know how to make things better. I love Mariah. I don’t want her to think I don’t. Mary and I would do anything for either one of them. I think we should go get them and bring them back.”

I shake my head as I respond, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Tara isn’t ready for that, and we don’t want to make things worse. I’ll try to go by today after dinner. Maybe you could stop by tomorrow to see her and tell her how you feel. She needs to hear it from you. She thinks you hate her, and Tara’s words only made that seem more true. I’m going to try to call her now. I need to make sure she’s okay.”

I step out of the room and dial her number.

****

Jill

I’ve just put Mariah down for a nap when I hear my phone ring. I check the caller I.D. and see that it’s Johnny. I can’t pick it up now. Today’s scene is what I’ve been trying to avoid. I just thought Mariah made things different. I thought she’d be able to have the family life I’ve never had, even if I was sort of on the sidelines of that family. Turns out that her affiliation to me is what will keep her from having that. It breaks my heart. There is nothing worse in this world than feeling unloved. I’ve decided it’s the quickest way to crush a soul.

Today’s fight brought some more issues to the forefront. I no longer have help with daycare pick-up or weekend sitters. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do it. I may have to look into an apartment downtown near my job. The neighborhood is a scary kind of horrible, but I won’t be able to make it to pick her up by six when the daycare closes if I keep my job and she stays where she is. My life is always one step forward, ten back.

I decide that I’ll go to the library tomorrow to use their computer and look for different apartments, different daycare places, and different jobs. Something has to work out. For now, I’ll just rest while the baby does. When she wakes up, I’ll put her in the stroller and take her for a stroll. I can’t look at these four walls the rest of the day and night. My television broke a few months after Matt left, and I never had the money to replace it. I don’t have any books in the house because I never have time to read, so I have nothing to do.

I lie down on the couch and try to relax, but end up thinking of the last couple of years of my life and crying until I can’t see straight. I must have dozed off, because I wake up to the muffled sound of Mariah fussing. I go get her out of her crib, change her diaper, and bundle her up. Then I put her in the stroller, and we take a very long walk. It’s surprising, but she’s happy to be outside, babbling her baby sounds as we go. Even though it’s November, the sun is out and white puffy clouds fill the sky. It’s a lovely, but chilly day.

When we get back to the apartment, I fix a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and feed Mariah. Then I bathe her, read to her, and put her to sleep. As I lie in bed, I think about Johnny and wonder if he’ll ever speak to me again. I screwed up last night, but it turns out I was right. If Tara hates me now, I can’t imagine how she’d feel if she found out I was seeing Johnny. I just can’t take any more drama, but I am going to miss him, everything about him. He’s been such a bright spot in all of this for me.

****

Over the weekend, I get a newspaper and scour it for jobs. I circle several waitress jobs and figure I need to find a babysitter I can pay to watch the baby while I work those hours. Paying a sitter will seriously cut into the money I’m making for insurance and other bills, but at least it’s still something. I circle a few names of nannies and decide to call to interview them once I get a job.

Sunday afternoon I’m washing dishes when I hear a knock at the door. It can only be one of the Brownings, and I’m not in the mood to talk to them yet. The scene at Thanksgiving left me feeling raw. I wipe my hands on the dishtowel and open the door.

Valerie stands on my doorstep looking a little uncomfortable. She’s a woman I worked with at the bar. I never gave her my address, so I’m surprised she’s here. I’m also wondering why. I’m sure the shock shows on my face, because she fidgets before she speaks.

“Hey, Jill. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here. It took me two days, but I finally got Dave the day manager to give me your address. I hated that I didn’t say goodbye, and I didn’t want that to be the end of our friendship. It’s been a while since I’ve had a friend and well…”

I finally snap out of the shock and step to the side. “Come in.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“You aren’t. I’m glad you stopped by. I could use a friend, and I appreciate you going to all the trouble to find me.”

“What the heck happened on Wednesday night?”

“Some guy got grabby and wouldn’t take no for an answer. The bouncers weren’t anywhere to be found, and my friend Johnny beat the guy up. When the bouncers couldn’t give Johnny a guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again, he flipped out and told me I had to leave. At first I was pissed, but then I thought about it, and he was right. I can’t put myself in danger for a waitress job. I have to think about Mariah.”

“Johnny got thrown out fighting for you? What is he to you?”

“Yes, he did. Long story. Short version is that he’s Mariah’s uncle. He helped me with a flat tire issue early in the evening, so he was there when I had problems with that guy. It was ugly. I’ve started looking for another job. We’ll see how it goes.”

“Well I know you don’t have a lot of extra time, but do you think we could hang out sometime?”

I smile the first genuine smile in days. “Yeah, I think that would be great. I’ll write my number down, and you can give me yours. I have a crappy old flip phone, so I don’t text.”

“Okay. Well, I should get going. I have to work in an hour. I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried.”

“We can try to get together this week if you have a night off.”

“Just call me.”

She slips out the front door and I smile, happy to have someone that I can call friend.

****

On Monday morning, I arrange with my boss to leave early until I can find someone to pick up Mariah. When I get to the daycare at five fifty-five, Judy is already there signing her out. My eyebrows squish together in confusion.

“What’s going on, Judy?” I ask, wondering what in the heck she’s doing here.

“I promised you when you moved here that I’d help you, so did John. We love having Mariah with us. It’s our favorite part of the day. Please don’t take that from us. We love her.” Her bottom lip trembles, and she looks like she’s about ready to lose it. She holds Mariah close to her and kisses her forehead.

“I tried to call you later on Thanksgiving Day and again the next two days. I’m sorry we upset you. I’m sorry I didn’t stick up for you. You’re not a burden to us, and we aren’t too old to watch Mariah. We just let Tara do it because we thought that’s what she wanted. I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s not your fault. I hate that I’ve imposed on everyone, especially her. I knew she didn’t like me. I just thought it was different for Mariah. I don’t want to take her from you. You can see her whenever you want. I’m not going to take advantage of you anymore, though. That’s gotten us nowhere good. I’m sorry I caused such a mess on Thanksgiving.”

Judy, still fighting back tears, grabs my hand and pulls me outside. “Honey, you weren’t taking advantage of us. I told you, and I’ll keep telling you: We love having Mariah around, and we love helping you. You’re a good mother, the best actually, you just need a little help, and we want to be the people to do that. I heard what Tara said and am embarrassed by her outburst, but it doesn’t have much to do with you. She’s been dealing with some things that none of us knew about. Just give her time. She’ll apologize.”

“She doesn’t owe me anything, but after everything she said, I’m not comfortable having Mariah around her. I hope you understand that. Part of the reason I took you all up on the help you offered is because I want my daughter to have the kind of family I never did. My parents would never have done what you have for me. There was never any love in our home, never anyone to lend a helping hand and forgive mistakes, and never anyone to dry tears or give hugs. I want better for my daughter. You don’t have to worry about weekend night duty anymore. I quit my job the night before Thanksgiving and haven’t found a replacement yet. When I do, I’ll just hire an overnight sitter. It’s not a big deal, but if you could still help with the six o’clock pick up, I’d appreciate that. I was able to get off early today, but I had no idea what I was going to do the rest of the week.”

“Jill, you don’t want some stranger in your home alone with your daughter. Please let John and I keep her those nights. Tara spoke out of turn. We’re not too old to watch her overnight, even if she’s up crying. If I thought we were, I would tell you. John has always been good about sharing the nighttime crying baby duty. I usually take the first hour or two and then he gets up and switches with me. It’s the only way we survived it when we were young. Besides, she usually sleeps through the night. Please?” Her eyes plead with me and I crumble.

“Okay, I guess. God, I just feel like I’m doing the wrong thing by saying yes. It’s only going to cause problems in your family, and I don’t want that to be on us. I’ll let you know when I get another job, and we can work it out then.”

“Well, now that you’re off, why don’t you let John and I take you to dinner. It’ll just be the four of us. It’ll be fun. I haven’t been out to eat in months.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Let me go back in and get her stuff, then I’ll follow you home.”

While I’m at dinner with John and Judy, they ask a ton of questions about my family. It’s unusual for me to talk about my brother because it’s so painful, but I want them to understand what I grew up with so I tell them.

“My parents are ultra-conservative Christians who use their beliefs to judge and belittle rather than love and help. I learned at an early age that if I wasn’t perfect, I’d pay. They were quick with the belt-beatings and tongue-lashings and slow with the hugs and love. So slow, in fact, they were non-existent.

“I lived in their home until I was twenty-three years old because they said that good Christian women did not live alone because it invited sin into their lives or something like that. I was so terrified of them that I let them control me for that long into adulthood. They made me think that I couldn’t live alone, that I wasn’t capable, that I’d go straight to Hell if I did. Mind control is a scary thing, and they had that in spades.

“I finally left when my seventeen-year-old brother, Isaiah, committed suicide in our home. He left a note stating that he couldn’t live with their ‘judgmental tyranny’ any longer. Instead of falling apart like you’d expect after the loss of a child, they went about their lives like business as usual and didn’t say a word about it. We buried him on a Tuesday, and I moved out the following Monday. My parents were so mad they didn’t speak to me for months, and when they did, it was only to judge me and say awful things, so I stopped all contact with them. Not that they seemed to care. I hadn’t seen them at all in almost a year when they showed up at the hospital after the accident.”

By the end of my story, John has stopped eating and Judy is watching me, her forehead wrinkled with concern.

John speaks first, “So what Johnny told us about the visit you got in the hospital from them after your accident is true?”

“I don’t know what he told you, but I did tell him what happened, so I’m sure it’s pretty accurate. According to them, Mariah is the spawn of Satan. That says it all, I think.”

“You told us that part. They couldn’t be more wrong.”

John reaches across the table and places his hand over mine. “You have us now, Jill. You don’t need them, and you don’t need to be alone. I know it’s not easy right now. The circumstances of having you in our lives are complicated, and it will take time to work through that, but it’ll be okay. Just always remember you have us.”