Chapter Four

Jill

On Tuesday morning, I get a call while I’m at work from Mr. Bennett, my lawyer. Apparently, Lisa has petitioned the executor of the trust to change the distribution from six hundred dollars a month to one thousand. After I sit down and take a deep breath, I ask, “Why? I didn’t ask for more money. I thought her first offer was generous enough.”

“I have no idea. Her lawyer contacted me this morning and wanted to make sure you wouldn’t protest it. I told him that wouldn’t be a problem. It doesn’t matter why. Once she changes it, she can’t change it again without your permission so just take it and say thank you.”

For the next few minutes, I sit on an upside-down bucket in a dingy janitor’s closet and cry my eyes out. She keeps proving how amazing she is, over and over again. I do wonder what prompted her to ask for the change, but I’m afraid if I ask, I won’t like the answer.

The best thing about the change is it means I don’t have to work on the weekend. I can spend the whole weekend with my little girl from now on. That’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I’ve missed so much already working those weekends.

****

Johnny

It’s been a week since I’ve seen Jill, and it’s really bothering me. I’ve seen Mariah every day, because I make it a point to go to my parents’ to see her before she gets picked up. It makes me happy the way her face lights up when she sees me. Those chubby cheeks squish up with her toothless smile, and her beautiful brown eyes sparkle with happiness. I usually get to feed her, if I get there on time. Goofy noises are a hit while I’m trying to feed her and get her giggling. That little baby laugh of hers is the best sound in the world. If any of my buddies find out how I act during my time with her, I’ll have to surrender my man card.

Giving Jill some space to calm down was a necessity when I realized my attempts to contact her weren’t working. I feel like I’ve waited long enough though, so I’m going over there tonight after I’m certain she’s put the baby to bed. I don’t plan to leave until she talks to me.

Around nine o’clock, I knock on her door praying she’ll answer. I wait a few minutes before I knock a second time, a little more boldly, and she finally opens the door. She’s wearing a floor-length robe, no makeup and her hair is twisted up in some kind of complicated knot on top of her head.

“Johnny. What are you doing here?” Her arms are crossed defensively over her chest, her hip kicked out to the side, and her beautiful face set in a scowl.

“I’ve come to make peace. You won’t answer my calls, so I decided I’d have to just show up. Can I come in, please?”

She steps to the side and ushers me in. God, she’s gorgeous. I’d give anything to be able to tell her that, but she made it clear she doesn’t want that kind of relationship with me. So, I have to respect that.

“Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, I’m okay. Will you listen for a minute?”

“I let you in, didn’t I?” The snotty tone isn’t typical for her, and I hate the sound of it.

“Yeah, but I can tell you’re still upset with me, and I want to make sure you hear what I have to say.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’m sorry about the other night. I shouldn’t have made you quit your job. It’s not my business. I shouldn’t have tried to take over and boss you. I know you need the money; I just worry about your safety. Drunk guys are assholes and can be dangerous. I’d kill someone if they hurt you.

“Kissing you was a mistake, and I’m sorry. I wanted to so badly, but it wasn’t right, and it made you uncomfortable. I care about you so much more than you know, but I won’t cross that line again. Please don’t keep ignoring my calls. I’ve missed you this last week. You’re my friend, and I enjoy our time together. I’ve been sneaking over to Mom’s after she gets Mariah from daycare and leaving before you get there so I could see her without upsetting you, but damn it, I miss you and want to see you, too. I don’t want to have to sneak around to see the baby anymore either. Can you forgive me?”

“I wasn’t trying to keep Mariah from you guys, but after what I heard in the kitchen that day, I didn’t want it said that I was using anyone or putting anyone out. I wish I’d known how your sister felt before. As for the job, you were right. It wouldn’t be fair to Mariah if something bad happened to me if I was working in an environment I knew wasn’t safe. Thank goodness I don’t have to find another weekend job, though. My lawyer called me two days ago and said Lisa is increasing the monthly amount from Matt’s estate to one thousand dollars. I don’t know what made her do that, but I’ll be forever grateful.”

“Wow! Perfect timing. I hadn’t heard about that from anyone, so I have no idea why she did it either. That’s pretty amazing.”

“As for the kiss, I can’t blame you for that. I wanted it as much as you did. I knew it was wrong and went for it. I’ve missed you, too, but I still feel like you and I together are a bad idea. I want to be friends, but if that doesn’t work for you, then I understand. It won’t affect your time with Mariah, if that’s what you decide.”

“If you want to be friends, you can’t stay away from me. What are you doing this Saturday?” I ask, sounding a little too eager.

“I thought about taking Mariah to the zoo. They have the Festival of Lights in the evening, and I thought she’d like that. Want to come with us? I think it will be fun.”

“Yeah, why the hell not? What time does it start?”

“Five o’clock.”

“Okay.”

“Well then, how about I pick you two up at four, and we’ll stop and grab something to eat and then head down there.”

“That sounds good.”

“All right, I’ll let you get to bed. I know wake-up time comes early for you. I’ll see you then.”

She accompanies me to the door, and I hug her before I leave. I can’t help myself. I just want to touch her, need to touch her, even if it’s only for a minute. I pull away and leave without looking back. Being just friends isn’t going to be easy.

****

Saturday comes and I pick the girls up. I broke down and bought a car seat for my truck like Steve did so we didn’t have to wrestle hers into my truck every single time. That surprises her, but I just blow it off like it’s what I should have done a long time ago.

Colorful Christmas lights are strung on all of the buildings, bushes, and fencing around the zoo. The laughter from happy children can be heard all over the park, and the smell of hot chocolate and cinnamon roasted almonds fills the air. Overall, the ambiance is festive and fun. I haven’t been here in years and forgot how much I love the zoo.

Mariah seems to like the monkeys the most. Their exhibit stinks like hell, but it’s worth the smell to see her reaction. At first, she just watches them walking around and doing monkey things until the one closest to us starts making noises and flipping around in the tree. Then she laughs her little head off. It’s hysterical. We spend forever in there while she sits, fascinated.

It’s cold outside, and Mariah is still young, so we end the night kind of early.

When I take them home, I help to get them inside and then leave quickly. If I stay, I’ll be tempted to push Jill for more than she wants to give. I can tell she’s disappointed or maybe just lonely not having a television or anything. As I sit in my car in her parking lot, I decide maybe it’s time to find some female companionship. It’s been awhile for me, and maybe if I handle that I’ll relax a little.

I drive over to a little bar in a neighboring town that usually has some decent clientele on Saturday night and go inside. The place is busy, so I work my way through the crowd and get a drink. After about twenty minutes, a smokin’ hot blonde sidles up next to me where I’m standing against a wall near the dance floor. She’s about five feet six inches, long legs, slender, but stacked and not shy at all; she’s perfect. She flips her long straight hair over her shoulder and flashes me a megawatt smile when she introduces herself as Mindy.

I tell her my name, and we talk for the next hour or so. A couple of drinks later she’s on me. Her hands are on my chest, her lips are on my neck, and she’s making sexy little noises that would normally have me looking for the nearest bed. She’s really hot, but even I’m not cruel enough to sleep with one woman knowing I want someone else. When I arrived here at the bar, I thought I could do it, but the more I talked to Mindy the more I realized I don’t want to be that kind of man. I decide to go ahead and cut out of there before I make a mistake. I walk her to her car, and we exchange numbers. Eagerly she accepts a date with me tomorrow night. I figure I can pick her up after dinner with my family.

****

The next day, I’m already at Mom and Dad’s when Jill and Mariah arrive, so I help them unload their stuff and spend a good ten minutes just playing with Mariah on the floor. She’s rolling all over the place and keeps getting up on her knees, rocking back and forth, but not crawling yet. It’s like she can’t figure out how to drag her knees across the floor to get going. It’s hilarious until she gets pissed. Then I have to distract her with tickles and raspberries on her little Buddha belly to keep her from crying in frustration.

When I pull my face out of her tummy rolls, I see Steve standing just inside the room watching me. He laughs as he asks, “You’ve got it bad for both of them, don’t you?”

“Nah, it’s not like that. I do like Jill, and I adore this little lady, but we’re just friends.”

“Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, big brother. Do you know where I can find Jill? I need to talk to her. I haven’t seen her since Thanksgiving.”

My eyebrows lower in confusion. “Why didn’t you call her?”

“I did. She wouldn’t return my phone calls. I tried to stop by after dinner that night, too, but she wouldn’t answer for me. Mary told me to give her a little longer and try again, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“I think she’s in the kitchen with Mom.”

My brother strides off in that direction, and I continue playtime with Mariah.

****

Jill

I’m standing in the kitchen at the center island with Judy slicing cucumbers when Steve comes in. I didn’t know he was coming for dinner, or I would have declined the offer. I decided I am not going to push myself, or my kid, on anyone. It was obvious from the start that he wasn’t crazy about me, and after what happened at Thanksgiving, I don’t want to deal with him or Tara. You can’t make people like you. They either do or they don’t, so I have no plans to bang my head against the proverbial wall.

After he places a kiss on his mother’s cheek, he steps up next to me, hip against the counter I’m working at and asks, “Can I please talk to you in private?”

I stop what I’m doing but never lift my eyes to his. I don’t want to ruin another dinner. I can feel the panic building; I don’t do well with confrontation

“I promise it won’t take long. If you’re more comfortable with my mom in the room, then we can talk here. Please?”

I take a deep breath and say, “You don’t have to say anything to me. I won’t make this awkward for you. If I had known you were coming, I wouldn’t have come. I don’t want to cause any more drama than I already have.”

“Come on, just give me a chance, Jill. Listen to what I have to say. If you don’t like it, I’ll make sure I’m scarce when you’re with my parents, okay?”

I debate the merits of getting this over with for about thirty seconds before I say, “Okay, that’s fair.”

We step out into the hall, and he leads me to a bedroom that I know was his when he lived here. There are trophies on shelves along the wall while pictures cover a corkboard of him with an array of people. There are a few posters, remaining clues that a teenage boy used to live in this space, plus a full-sized bed, a dresser, and desk. He motions for me to sit in the chair, and he sits on the edge of the bed. Now I notice that he’s nervous. His hands won’t stay still, and he keeps adjusting his legs.

“I’m sorry for how I’ve behaved, Jill. Let me give you a short history to help explain some things. In middle school, Lisa and I became friends. We spent all our time together. She was my best friend, but I had a major crush on her that I never told her about. I was afraid it would kill our friendship, but I was head over heels for her and stayed that way all through school.

“Our sophomore year, Matt asked her out. He knew how I felt, but he had to be the big man and do it anyway. We had a huge fistfight and then didn’t speak for several weeks. It was bad. Not only did I lose my chance with her, I also lost my best friend because they started doing everything together. Things were never the same with Matt and me, or Lisa and me after that. We were still friends, but not so close anymore. I spent a lot of time being pissed at Matt. It wasn’t until I met Mary that I got over it.

“Anyways, I knew that Matt was screwing around on her. I’m not sure how I knew. He never told me, and I could never prove it, but something was off with him. He had the same cocky demeanor that he had when he started seeing Lisa. I confronted him several times, and he lied to me every time. I knew he was lying to me, and I was so pissed at him we didn’t even speak for the last three months he was alive because of it.

“When he died, I was angry at myself for being pissed at him and wasting the last year being ticked off with him for something I could never prove. That was until Lisa showed up here and told us about you. I was so angry with Matt and myself. I was pissed that Lisa was blindsided and hurt. I was furious that my brother was a liar and that I doubted myself. That’s a lot of anger to build up. I’ve been sitting on all of that ever since.

“When my dad called for us to come help you, I was torn between wanting to make my dad happy and wanting to run from you. I was still angry, not necessarily at you, but at the whole situation. I’m obviously still very protective of Lisa, and I thought my loyalty should lie with her.

“When I showed up at your apartment in Indy, you were nothing like I thought you’d be. You were sweet, polite, thankful, and humble. You’re also a rock. Probably the strongest woman I know, if all of the stories I’ve heard about you are true. I also noticed that you’re an excellent mother. Your first priority has been Mariah since day one, and I think that’s amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better mother for my niece.

“Liking you was not on my agenda. I know it sounds childish, you can thank my wife for pointing that out. I just really felt that if I made friends with you, I’d be disloyal to Lisa, and I felt like one of the Brownings had to stay loyal to her. Yes, I realize that sounds asinine, and it was. I get that. When Lisa came to visit the day before Thanksgiving and as I was telling her about you and Mariah, I realized that I do like and respect you. I didn’t get a chance to fix things before you left that day, because I walked into that whole scene a little too late. I don’t feel the way my sister does. I don’t even think she really feels that way, but she has to come to terms with whatever is in her head—I can’t help her there.

“It was Lisa who encouraged me to get my head out of my ass and be a better friend to you. I should have been able to do that, but some things sit deep and take time to dig out.

“I love Mariah. That little girl is such a bright light in our family. It’s the best thing my brother ever did, but I want you to know I care about you, too. It upset me that you were hurting on Thanksgiving.

“I don’t know how to straighten up the shitty mess I’ve made with you. I just want you to know that I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or less than welcome. It was uncalled for. Mary and I love having Mariah stay with us, so please don’t stop that. It’s not a burden for us at all, I promise.”

My eyes filled with tears while he was talking. I understood things a lot better now, and to be honest, if I was Lisa’s friend, I’d be super-protective of her, too. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have these people in my life.

“I didn’t answer the door Thanksgiving because I was out walking with Mariah. I still don’t have a television and didn’t have any books, so I was bored. If I were home, I’m sure I would have answered. I was hurt and angry, but not enough to ignore a visitor.

“I understand why you were the way you were. I just hope you understand that I’ve been through so much. Between my own family and Matt, having a baby without a support system and no friends I could even call to talk to, every little thing after that just feels like more dirt on my grave. Mariah can still visit you guys. She loves being with you two, but I don’t need to work nights anymore, so she really won’t need to stay over.”

“What happened with the job?”

“I quit after getting hit the night before Thanksgiving. That’s a long story. One Johnny can fill you in on. I don’t have to find another waitressing job because Lisa had the estate payments changed. I found out this past Tuesday. She upped it to one thousand dollars a month. I never heard why, but now I don’t have to work weekends. I still have to work the job down in the city, which I don’t mind, but I can spend time with my daughter on the weekends. Once my benefits start through work, I’ll be able to put any extra into savings. I’ve hated not having that. Someday I’ll find a way to thank Lisa.”

“I think I know why she did that. When she was here, she asked how things were going. She was concerned that we wouldn’t get much time with Mariah, so Mom told her you moved closer, and we were helping you with her while you worked an obscene amount of hours. When she asked why, we told her. I’m certain she changed it because she felt bad that there was a way to make things easier on you and give you more time with the baby.”

“Matt was an idiot. Why would he cheat on her? I’ll never understand why he came looking for me, wouldn’t take no for an answer, and then kept coming back for a year when he had her. She’s everything I’ve always wanted to be. I hate him for what he’s done to everyone.”

“Me, too. One minute I hate him for hurting everyone, and the next I feel guilty because he’s my brother. It’s messed up, no matter how you look at it. Can you forgive me for how things have played out with us?”

“Of course. I just didn’t want you to feel you had to deal with me and take care of Mariah. I never want to be a burden for anyone. I spent too many years being one for my parents. I’m sorry I brought all of this to your family.”

“You didn’t bring anything to our family, but a sweet, happy baby and a kind heart.”

He hugs me and leads me back to the kitchen. When his mom sees that I’m smiling this time, she kisses Steve on one cheek and pats the other one in a very motherly gesture.

“You’re a good boy, Stevie.”

“Thanks, Mom. I’m going to find the baby. Maybe I can steal her from Johnny.”

The rest of the night went well. Tara and Bobby didn’t show up, and I am so thankful for that. I know she still hates me. I’m sure that’s bone deep and not something that will ever go away. Eventually, I’ll face her again; I’m just not up to dealing with it yet.