Chapter Five

Jill

Two weeks later

Life has been getting better. I’m not as tired during the week since I have recuperation time on the weekend, and I’m happier being able to spend some time with Mariah. I hated never seeing her. Today I’ve decided to take Mary up on her offer to go Christmas shopping together. Steve is on baby duty, so I have a few guilt free hours to do this.

I’m stopped in the middle of the mall waiting for Mary to come out of a store when I spot Johnny walking out of Victoria’s Secret of all places. I open my mouth to call out to him when a gorgeous, and I mean stunning, blonde saunters out of the store a few steps behind him. When he turns to face her, she dangles the bag in front of his face like candy. He smiles at her in a way that tells me he’ll get to see what she just bought as soon as they get out of the mall. My heart plummets. It takes an all-out nosedive, and my stomach rolls like the tires on a Winnebago headed down the highway.

I shouldn’t feel it, but I do. It’s acid-burning, gut-churning jealousy. I’m standing there thinking that I can’t feel any worse than I do right now until she tilts her head toward him, and he kisses her full on the mouth right in the middle of the mall. My heart cracks straight down the middle, and I know I have to get out of here before he sees me. I don’t think I can keep a straight face if we run into them, so I turn and scan the crowd for Mary while moving back toward the store I came from. I’m praying that she’s ready to go.

It’s not my day, because the next thing I know Johnny’s calling my name. I try to ignore it and pretend I can’t hear him. Tears are threatening to flow, and I know my face is red. I walk a little faster until I’m snagged by the arm and jerked to a stop.

“Jill!” His gruff voice practically yells.

Shit. My shoulders sag in defeat. I paste on a fake smile and turn to face him.

“Johnny. Hey. What are you doing here?”

Oh God, did I really just ask why he’s at a shopping mall? Of course, Miss Blondie-Perfect-Tits comes bounding up beside him, and I want to puke.

“Hey! I’m Mindy, Johnny’s girlfriend,” she says, all freakin’ happy as she sticks her hand out to me.

I can feel my eyes widen as my brain tries to register what she just said. Wait…Wh…What? Did she say girlfriend? Oh my God, she did. Damn, I have to school my features quickly. I force a smile and shake her hand.

“Hi, I’m Johnny’s niece’s mom, Jill.”

She’s still bouncy happy as she starts yapping away about something, but I can’t seem to focus on what the hell she’s saying. All I can think about is the fact that she said girlfriend. It wasn’t that long ago that he kissed me and told me he wanted to be with me. Now he has a girlfriend that looks like an overgrown Barbie doll?

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Thank God Mary shows up right about that time and gets introduced to the girlfriend. When I glance at Johnny, hoping this encounter will end pronto, I notice he’s studying me with a strange expression on his face. Then I realize Mindy’s saying something else to me, so I try to tune back in.

“I’m sorry, Mindy, I missed what you just said,” I say with as nice a tone as I can muster.

Miss Blondie-Perfect-Tits bounces a little on her toes and says, “Oh man, I’m so glad I met you guys today. I was stressing about dinner with the fam tomorrow. Meeting the family is a big deal. I feel better already.”

I almost choke on my own saliva. She’s coming to dinner at the Brownings’ tomorrow? Oh, shit.

I’ll never make it through an entire dinner with her there. I force a smile again and say, “Everyone there is really great. You’ll be fine; don’t worry. Well, Mary and I have to go. I promised Steve I’d be back to get the baby soon. Bye, Johnny. Bye, Mindy.” I call the last over my shoulder as I drag Mary away, waving as we go.

We get around the corner, and she snatches me aside, away from the walking traffic.

“What the hell was that, Jill? Who was she?” Her tone is sharp.

I can tell she’s half-irritated and half-confused.

I’m afraid I’m going to cry, so I swallow hard, hoping to hold it down.

“That was Johnny’s new girlfriend. I just needed to go. We can see them tomorrow.”

I already know I’ll be cancelling that visit; I may have to pretend to be sick so I can avoid it.

“No, it’s something else. What is going on? Come on, you can talk to me,” Mary pleads.

“Let’s get out of here. I need a beer. I’ll talk then.”

Her eyes search my face. With a resigned sigh, she nods and replies, “Okay, a beer it is.”

Fifteen minutes later, we’re sitting at a quiet little bar, and she asks again, “What’s going on?”

“I think I’m in love with Johnny. I didn’t know he was dating anyone, and it took me by surprise. I don’t think I was very successful at hiding my feelings.”

“Why aren’t you with him if you love him?”

She asks the question like the answer is so simple.

“Are you kidding?” I cough out a dry laugh. “Like my story with this family isn’t fucked up enough. If we ever got married, my husband would be my baby-daddy’s brother. That’s an episode of Springer waiting to happen. What will people think? Why did I have to fall in love with him?” I whine and drop my forehead to my crossed arms on the table.

“First of all, I know he feels the same way about you. That’s all that should matter. Not what it sounds like or what anyone will think. If you love him and he loves you, there shouldn’t be a question about any of it.”

“He doesn’t love me, though, and now I never have a shot because he’s got Miss Blondie-Perfect-Tits back there, and I have to sit at a dinner table with them tomorrow. It was going to be bad enough with Tara, who incidentally still hates me, but I don’t want to face this, too.” I groan and take a swig of my beer.

“After you left Thanksgiving Day, there was a big family throw down. Steve and I got there right on time for it. Apparently, Tara’s issues with you have more to do with her own husband and her fear of his cheating or some shit.”

“Who told you that?”

“John called her out on it. He lit her up one side and down another for treating you like crap. Right after that he told Steve off, who told him he’d already figured out he was being an ass for no reason. Then John told them all that Matt was dead, and he was a selfish prick. Just when we all thought he was done, he called Johnny out on falling in love with you. Said something like, ‘If you really care about Jill and you think you can love her like she deserves, then go for it.’ He said they’d support you two, and that if he went for it, that he’d better plan on forever because you weren’t the kind of girl for a one-night stand.”

Slouching back in my seat, I groan again and look at the ceiling.

“We kissed the night I got fired. Okay, so kissing may be a light description of what we did. He’s the best damn kisser I’ve ever laid my lips on, but I was afraid that being with him would make things worse with the family. I already felt like persona non grata, I didn’t want to make it worse, so I told him we couldn’t be anything but friends. He was pissed and left mad. Then everything went down the next day with Tara, and when he came to see me, he told me he knew we could only be friends, and he was okay with that. What his dad said must have hit home, because he backed right off.”

“Oh, Jill. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have told you what John said, but it’ll be okay tomorrow. You can sit by me, and we’ll find something to distract you from her. I swear it will be okay.”

“I’m such an idiot. I kept the Browning man that I should have let go and let go of the one I should have kept. If he was really interested, he wouldn’t have moved on already. How long has he been dating her? He just kissed me three weeks ago. Now he’s bringing someone to meet the family? Oh God. I don’t want to watch that. I don’t think I can.”

It takes Mary two shots, several beers, and over an hour for her to calm me down. By the time we get back to her house, there is no way I can drive and no way I should be left to care for an infant alone, so Steve makes me stay the night, and they promise to keep an ear open for Mariah. Mary gets me another beer when we get home, and I end up passing out in their guest room thirty minutes after they get the baby to bed in the portable crib.

I wake up the next morning feeling like I’m going to die, which helps keep me from lying when I decline to go to John and Judy’s. I decide to keep Mariah with me since I didn’t see her the day before. I’ve never been more relieved to be hung over in my life.

Around seven o’clock, I get a call from Johnny.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jilli, you feeling okay?” His voice is heavy with concern.

I clear my throat and answer, “Yeah, I’m better. Should be back to new by tomorrow.”

“We missed you today.” He sounds sincere, but in the back of my mind, I’m thinking he wasn’t missing me so much with Mindy there.

“Yeah, I missed seeing you guys today, too.” Sadness tinges my voice, but I don’t realize it until it’s too late.

“What’s going on? You sound weird.”

“Oh, nothing. Just not all the way better I guess.” I try to sound a little perkier this time.

“Are you sure? Because you were acting weird at the mall yesterday, too.” He’s not convinced.

“Oh, I must have just started feeling bad. I’m okay.” After a long pause I blurt, “Mindy seems nice.” I cringe realizing I may have given my issues away with that last sentence. Too late now. Damn.

It’s silent on the other end of the line.

“Johnny?”

He answers more quietly, “Yeah I’m here. Mindy is nice. I missed seeing you and Mariah today.”

“Yeah, we missed you, too. Listen, I’d better get going. I need to bathe Mariah and get her to bed.”

“Okay, honey.” My heart cracks at the sentiment. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah. I was feeling crappy, but I’ll be okay. I always am. See you soon.”

“Bye, honey.”

“Bye.”

I hang up the phone and fight off tears until I finally get the baby to bed. Then I cry until I fall asleep on my tear-soaked pillow.

As the next week and a half passes, I manage to avoid any dinner Johnny is at, but tomorrow is Christmas and I have to see him, and of course, since Mindy is now surgically attached to him, her also. I’ve decided that I won’t ruin another holiday, so I’m going to paint on a smile and be nice as pie to Mindy and everyone else. Even Tara, who I haven’t seen since Thanksgiving, will get my best pasted-on smile. It feels like the Christmas from Hell, and it hasn’t even officially started. I figure I’ll arrive a little bit late and leave a little bit early, then it won’t be so bad. I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing this for Mariah. I’m giving her the loving family I never had.

Christmas turns out to be a nice day even if it’s a bit awkward. Mindy sits on Johnny’s lap every chance she gets and hand feeds him little snacks when his mouth is within reaching distance. It makes my chest ache, but I try to laugh when everyone else does and hide the feeling of black sludge resting in my gut. Mary does her best to distract me and pull me from the room often, for little tasks that she supposedly needs help with.

As soon as I can, I excuse us for the night, saying I need to get to bed since I have to work the next day. I wasn’t supposed to work. Because it’s the day after Christmas and my boss offered me time and half to let the electricians in to fix some wiring in a couple of the classrooms, I accepted. Doing so also gave me the added bonus of opting out of the post-holiday affair at the Brownings’. They’re all off work and, from what I’ve been told, spend the day together every year. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle two days in a row of the sappy, lovey moments of Johnny and Mindy.

The next day I drop Mariah off with Judy around eight o’clock and drive to work. The electricians are waiting for me when I arrive, so I let them in and show them where everything is. The supervisor’s name is Chris, and he is really good looking. His hair is a dirty blond and on the longish side. He’s probably a little older than I am with a nice smile and kind eyes. He’s about six feet tall and maybe a hundred and ninety pounds. He’s muscled without being ripped, and he flirts with me like crazy. That boosts my spirits a little; every girl likes a little flirting now and then.

Right before he leaves for the day, he asks for my phone number. I debate giving it to him but decide I have nothing to lose at this point. Mindy looks like she’s here to stay, and sitting around waiting for her to go away is wasting my time, not to mention there is still the issue of me being Johnny’s dead brother’s ex-girlfriend.

I give Chris my number, and he says he’ll call.

****

Johnny

Something’s going on with Jill, and I have no idea what it is. It started a few weeks ago, and everyone keeps telling me she’s fine, but I know she’s not. I just don’t know why. I figured I’d talk to her at Mom’s, but she hasn’t been around as much, and yesterday we were never alone long enough to talk. Granted, Tara was in the room yesterday, and I don’t think that’s happened since she went off on Jill at the last holiday gathering, but it’s something else.

Mindy and I have been seeing quite a bit of each other, but I think we need to cool it, and I plan to tell her that tonight. She’s a nice woman, a lot of fun, always happy, but wants to spend every waking moment with me. I’m feeling smothered, and I don’t like it. I’ve been a bachelor a long time and am used to having some space. There is something to be said for basic breathing room. She’s showed up at work several times unannounced. At first I thought it was sweet, but since then, I’ve gotten the feeling it’s more to see what I’m doing and who’s there. Last week I was in the shop explaining to a client the repairs I made to her car when Mindy showed up. Granted, the client is young and beautiful, but the conversation was purely business so when Mindy waltzed over and interrupted by sticking her tongue down my throat and hanging on me, I decided I’d had enough. She probably should have just pissed on me like a dog, marking her territory. It would have been less embarrassing. I pride myself on professionalism, so that did not go over well with me. After the client left, I explained my feelings about her actions, and she blew me off.

She’s been pushing to make things more serious between us, and I’m just not interested. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that she’s not Jill and the other being that she doesn’t really fit in with my family. She invited herself to meet them a few weeks ago and somehow did the same for Christmas. Everyone was nice to her, but something about her just doesn’t mesh with my family, and it leaves me feeling awkward and quiet when we’re all together.

She’s gotten really pushy about sex all of the sudden. I realize we’re adults, and it’s probably weird that I’ve been seeing her this long and haven’t sealed the deal, but every time we start to get hot and heavy, my brain drifts to Jill, and I throw the brakes on. The whole situation is jacked up so I feel like it’s time to end things with her. That conversation is going to suck.

When I’m done talking to Mindy, I plan to corner Jill and find out what the hell is going on. Something she said or maybe it was the way she said it during our phone call a few weeks ago made me wonder if she was upset about Mindy. I couldn’t figure out what about Mindy would have upset her since their interactions so far seem to be friendly. If it were anyone else, I’d think she was jealous, but I know Jill doesn’t want to date me. She made that very clear.

****

Jill

I pick up Mariah from Judy and head home. As I’m struggling to carry her in the car seat and her diaper bag into the apartment, my cell phone rings. I fumble around a bit and finally get it out of my purse. I don’t recognize the number, but answer anyway.

“Hello?”

A deep sexy voice responds, “Hello, Jill. It’s Chris from earlier at the school.”

“Oh, hi Chris. Give me just a second so I can get in the door.”

“Okay.”

I release a tired breath and say, “Okay, let me put my daughter down, and I’ll be right with you.”

I put the car seat down, shut, and lock the door before I sit down on the floor in front of Mariah. She’s smiling at me like she’s never been happier.

“Okay, I’m back.”

“You have a daughter?” He sounds a little shocked.

“Yes, she’s seven months old.”

“Are you married?”

Seriously? Did he really just ask that? That’s kind of offensive.

“Um, no. I wouldn’t have given you my number if I were.” I’m sure he can tell I’m not happy about his question.

“I’m sorry, that was a stupid question. I just thought with how young the baby is I might have missed something.”

“No. Her dad died before she was born. I’m single. I’ve been that way since I was only a couple of months pregnant.” I don’t want to have a discussion about this with him.

“Oh, okay. I’m not trying to pry. I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t going to be a husband or boyfriend hunting me down for calling,” he says with a nervous laugh.

“Nope, you’re safe.”

“Well, I was wondering if I could take you to dinner tomorrow night. I know that’s really soon, and it may be hard to find a sitter, but I had to ask. I didn’t want to wait to see you again.”

In my mind, I’m thinking that I don’t want anyone but Johnny, and then I remind myself, sadly, he has Mindy.

“Sure, that sounds nice.”

“Okay. I’ll take you to a nice restaurant down on the river for dinner. Is seven okay?”

“Yes, I’ll be ready.”

We finish up the call by me giving him my address and saying we’d see each other tomorrow night. I hang up the phone and call Mary. First, I ask if they can babysit. They can, so that helps. Then I tell her about my date. She tells me she’ll be over around two o’clock with a few dresses to choose from and to help me get ready. I think she’s just excited I have something to do besides mope around about Johnny and Mindy.

Chris shows up the next night a little bit before seven o’clock, and he’s dressed like an Abercrombie ad. He looks nothing like the blue-collar worker I met yesterday. He is handsome, though.

“Jill, wow, you look amazing!”

“Thank you. You clean up nicely yourself.”

With a flash of a grin and a hand at the small of my back, he leads me to his car and opens the door for me. Dinner is excellent, and I find that Chris is very funny.

Johnny calls twice through dinner, and I ignore both. Shortly after the second one, I excuse myself to the ladies’ room to listen to the voicemails. There isn’t anything urgent, so I decide to call him back tomorrow. If my phone was newer I’d text him, but it’s still this stupid flip phone, and it seems to take an hour to send a short message so I decide he can wait.

At the end of the evening, Chris walks me to my door, and I get those goofy little butterflies flapping and swarming uncomfortably in my stomach. They’re the kind that show up right before a first kiss. I’m really nervous. Thank goodness Chris makes it easy; he doesn’t make small talk or hesitate. He just goes for it. His lips are soft, but commanding. It’s a nice first kiss. Not too much, not too little.

The only problem is that it’s not Johnny’s mouth on mine which leaves me feeling a little sad instead of excited. When he leaves, he asks if he can see me again, and I just tell him to call me. He says he will and then ambles back to his car. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to go out with him again knowing I’m in love with someone else.