“He can’t be alive,” says Alice out loud, still poleaxed on the bed. “He just can’t be.”
But then she remembers that this time last week, she’d also thought it was impossible for him to have loved another woman and fathered another child.
She shakes herself down. She can’t deal with this right now. She needs to find Nathan.
She moves around the room, picking up the clothes that had been carelessly discarded as their lovemaking had built in momentum. The lace knickers that had lent themselves perfectly to being peeled off by Nathan’s teeth now look sordid, the expensive black dress that he’d sexily unzipped, teasing her back with his fingertips as he did so, now makes her feel cheap as she slips it back on.
She squeezes her feet back into her three-inch heels in a desperate bid to get out of the confines of the room, where the air feels like it’s being sucked out. She doesn’t know whether she wants to find Nathan or kill Tom a second time as she walks unsteadily down the corridor, forcing a smile at the hotel employee in the elevator.
If she knew where she was going, and what she was going to do when she got there, it would help, but right now, all she knows is that her paranoid fears about her husband having an affair have finally been proven, and she needs to decide what she’s going to do about it.
The bar is just as busy as when she’d sat there enjoying a bottle of champagne with Nathan before dinner. She’d felt excited then, finally buoyed by optimism for the future. Now, she has a lump in her chest and a sickening sensation swirling in her stomach.
Despite her trepidation, she strides in with her head held high, trying desperately hard not to look how she feels; panic-stricken. She surreptitiously takes in everyone there, not sure if she wants to see Nathan or not. If he’s here, she will need to go to him and ask what the hell is going on. If he’s not, she’s got an even bigger problem on her hands. Where is he? And who’s he with?
She thinks back to the earring and bouquet, and the bill from this very same hotel. She’d let Nathan convince her that the charges for cocktails, room service, and a couples massage had been a mistake. He’d promised her that he’d never seen the earring before and that the florist delivering the bouquet was a million-to-one coincidence. How had she allowed herself to be played? Maybe because knowing the truth about Tom had made her look at Nathan in a whole new light. One in which she refused to believe that he was like her cheating first husband.
The realization that one man she loved would do that to her is hard enough to take. Now that she’s faced with the prospect that both of them have makes her question what she’s doing wrong. All she’s ever done is love them the best way she knows how. How could that not be enough?
She holds her breath as she looks around the bar, willing Nathan to be there, because right now, that is the lesser of the two evils. If he isn’t, she doesn’t want to go where her mind will undoubtedly take her. She doesn’t want to acknowledge that whoever just sent him that text might be in Japan.
Does she live here? Is this where he met her? Has she got something to do with the site? Is that why he’s so keen to do it, so that he can spend more time here, be with her, knowing that Alice wouldn’t be keen to travel? She wonders if her announcement that she was going to come had surprised him. He wouldn’t have been expecting it, that was for sure. Had she scuppered his plans? His chance to be with her? Perhaps not, because as she fruitlessly scours the faces in the bar, she’s hit by the realization that he’s gone to her anyway.
She orders a Baileys with ice—the first drink she can think of when the bartender asks. The man playing Sinatra on the piano looks over and gives a cheery nod. She smiles weakly and sips her liqueur, resisting the urge to knock it all back.
Despite being in a strange city, on the other side of the world, where Alice’s imagination could so easily concoct a horror story about what could have happened to Nathan, there’s no part of her that’s worried about his safety. Perhaps because deep down, she’d hazard a guess that it’s not his safety that’s being compromised—it’s his morals.
“May I?” asks a gentleman, indicating to the stool next to Alice.
“Of course,” she says, smiling, her subconscious having already registered in that split second that he’s attractive.
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asks in an American accent.
Her first instinct is to say no, but then she wonders, why not? Why shouldn’t she accept a drink from this handsome man? Why shouldn’t she enjoy his company and flirt with him a little? She might go even further if the opportunity arises. Panic rises within her as she contemplates the idea of going to bed with the man in front of her. As exciting as the prospect may be, she cannot even begin to understand how people who are married, who are supposed to love their partners, could cheat. Her heart palpitates at the mere thought of it.
“I’ll have a G and T please,” she says. “A double.”
The barman smiles and sets about slicing a cucumber into a crystal bowl, its cool, fresh fragrance finding its way across the bar.
“Are you staying here or just visiting?” asks the man, tilting his head toward the opening into the lobby.
“We—I’m staying here,” Alice says, her interest piqued enough to change her story, if only to see how far this game can go.
“I see,” he says, his piercing blue eyes never leaving hers. She wonders if he can see straight through her.
“What about you?” she asks, crossing her legs and flicking her blond hair over her shoulder. “Are you staying here?”
“Yep, just for tonight. I’ve been trying to sleep for four hours, but I’m battling horrific jet lag and the harder I try, the more it eludes me.”
“Where have you flown in from?”
“I’ve worked a double shift, flying from New York to Shanghai and Shanghai to here.”
She can’t even compute the geography involved. “So, you’re cabin crew?”
He nods modestly. “Pilot.”
She smiles. Does he think I was born yesterday?
Beth unexpectedly springs into her mind and Alice feels a pang in her chest. She remembers Beth telling her that she’d always fancied the idea of dating a pilot. “Imagine that uniform,” she’d breathed, as they had adopted the downward dog pose in their yoga class. “Imagine him walking in with the cap under his arm and picking me up to the sound of ‘Up Where We Belong’…”
As Alice had tried to picture the scene, which she’d been able to conjure up all too easily, she’d lost concentration and collapsed into a fit of giggles. “But they’re never what you think they’re going to be, are they?”
“Are you speaking from experience?” Beth had squealed in astonishment.
“No,” Alice had replied in mock horror. “I mean, whenever you hear them on the loudspeaker on the plane, they always sound so gorgeously smooth and authoritative, and then when you get off, there’s a puny little fella who looks far too young to be flying a metal tube thirty-six thousand feet up in the sky. They’re not all Richard Gere, is all I’m saying.”
But looking at the man in front of her now, Alice notes that he isn’t that far off. His dark hair curls ever so slightly at the collar and his steely eyes follow the barman’s every move.
“Can I get a Scotch and soda?” he asks.
Alice raises her glass to him and he gives a smiling nod.
“Will the Scotch do the trick?” she asks. “Get you to sleep?”
“I’d like to think so, but right now all I want it to do is to stop my eyeballs from burning.”
He smiles, and she laughs a little louder than she’d intended. She pulls herself up, then wonders why she should.
“I don’t know what’s worse—the inability to sleep, or the need to sleep far longer than you’re permitted to. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.”
“How long have you been a pilot?” Alice asks, showing herself to be a willing player in his game.
“Fifteen years,” he says, with a glint in his eye. “So, what brings you here?”
“Business, actually.” As soon as she says it, she’s overcome with panic as she remembers that she’s signed contracts for a site worth a million pounds. With a faithful husband and business partner by her side, it had felt manageable; nerve-wracking, but manageable. Now, adrift in the ocean, without Nathan’s anchor, the thought leaves her nauseous.
“What kind of business?” he asks.
“I’m in property,” says Alice, clearing her throat and sitting up straight in an attempt to shrug off the imposter syndrome that always seems to linger whenever she achieves something she doesn’t feel she deserves. “Interiors and development,” she adds, taking ownership of the words this time.
“Interesting,” he says. “Are you buying or selling?”
“I’ve just bought a site today,” she says. “I’m building twenty-eight apartments on it.”
He looks like he’s been given an electric shock. “Wow, really?”
“You seem shocked,” she says lightly. “Did you not realize that women were able to do that in this day and age?” She didn’t dare let on that without Nathan, she would never have entertained the idea. She brushes off the insecurities that snake through her and tries to silence the voice that says, And without Nathan, you’ll never complete.
“Not at all,” he says carefully. “I’m just genuinely impressed. Does that make me a male chauvinist?”
Alice shakes her head.
“So, you’re doing this all on your own?” he asks, stepping into dangerous territory again.
“Without a man, you mean? Well, it’s my company, my talent, my money.” She didn’t feel the need to share that most of the funds had been raised by a loan from the bank.
“Well, hats off to you,” he said, holding up his tumbler. “And I’d say that to a woman, man, or child. It takes a brave person to do what you’re doing, especially in a market as competitive as here. I’m in awe.”
And so you should be, she says silently, before asking herself why she’s even contemplating not being able to go ahead without Nathan being on board.
“So, I’m guessing you’re from England?”
Alice nods as she takes a sip of her drink. “London.”
“I love British women,” he says. “The accent drives me wild. There’s just something so damn sexy about it.”
“We can talk real dirty as well,” she says.
“Oh yeah…?” he says, encouraging her to go further.
Alice raises her eyebrows suggestively before leaning in to whisper, “Mud, dirt, soil…”
The man throws his head back and laughs. “You Brits have also got a wicked sense of humor.”
Alice smiles, her eyes boring into his. She’d forgotten what it felt like to flirt; to feel attractive and desired. The power it gave her was an aphrodisiac in itself. Maybe she was now beginning to understand how unfaithful partners were able to let their guard down. Was it really this easy?
“Look, I don’t normally do this,” he says. “But—” she smiles sweetly, pretending that she believes him—“would you like to join me for a drink in my room?”
“For just a drink?”
He smiles, and her insides flip over.
If her husband wasn’t cheating and lying to her, then she wouldn’t be in this position, but he is, so …
The thought of what Nathan might be doing right now breaks her heart, and as she looks at the handsome man in front of her, she wonders why she shouldn’t allow this stranger to glue a little of it back together. Would going to bed with him make me feel better? she thinks. Would I feel that I’d somehow got one over on Nathan? That we’d be on a level par?
The pilot leans in close. “Is that a yes or a no?”
She locks eyes with him. “What’s your room number?”
“1106,” he replies.
“I’ll meet you there in five minutes.”
He takes his glass and Alice watches him as he walks out of the bar. Every fiber in her body is on high alert, even the tips of her fingers are tingling. She forces herself to stay where she is, to calmly finish her drink, all the time counting loudly in her head to silence the nerves that are circling in her stomach.
“Can I get the check, please?” she asks the barman.
“Mr. Anthony has already signed for it, madam.”
Slick. He’s obviously done this before.
She lowers herself off the stool, careful not to make eye contact with anyone in case she sees their disapproving expression. She smooths down her dress as she walks through the lobby, pretending that what she’s about to do is perfectly normal. It must be, because her husband does it with no trouble whatsoever. In fact, both her husbands seemed to share a similar lack of conscience.
As she waits for the elevator, she can’t determine whether her body is shaking with nerves or fear. She looks at herself in the highly polished gold doors and is taken aback by the reflection. There’s a smudge of mascara around her eyes, and she wets a finger to rub it away. She pinches at her cheeks and watches as the blood instantly rushes to color her pallid skin. She ruffles her feathered bangs and tucks one side of her hair behind her ear.
Forcing herself to take deep breaths, she walks slowly along the low-lit hallway, her heels sinking into the plush carpet. Just as she draws level with the door, it swings open and he’s standing there, his eyes wide.
“There you are!” exclaims Nathan. “I was just about to send out a search party.”
“I got a second wind,” she says, brusquely. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Now you know how I felt,” he says.
“Where have you been?” Alice asks, as she steps out of her shoes. She can’t bring herself to look at him for fear she’ll see the truth.
“In the bar,” he says, without missing a beat. “But if I’d known you were awake I would have stayed here and carried on where we left off.”
He comes up behind her as she stands at the dressing table taking her earrings out.
“You were incredible,” he whispers into her ear.
Alice closes her eyes as he kisses her neck, imagining that it’s the man in the bar. When she opens them to see Nathan, she can’t help but feel duped.