It was a very bad day to take a pregnancy test, Kaitlyn Barnes decided as she washed off the counter at her coffee shop, the Bean, on a snowy late November evening. She was way too busy to even think about being pregnant, let alone ponder how on earth it could ever have happened.
Okay, she knew how it had happened. And when. And she wasn’t going to lie: the sex with Rafe Langdon had been, after years of dancing around their attraction to each other…epic. But with two forms of birth control, how on earth…Nope. She wasn’t going there. Not now, not with worries about her family, her business, and her life at the forefront of her mind.
Mary Mulligan, the last customer in the shop, brought her empty mug up to the counter. “You’re good friends with Rafe Langdon, aren’t you, dear?”
“Oh yes, I’ve known Rafe forever.” She squeezed her eyes shut to avoid thinking of his strong, muscular form, his square jaw, his dark, well-defined brows. And other parts of him that she really was not going to think about.
But it was more impossible than ever to stop thinking about Rafe, now that he was suddenly a hero for the whole town. Everyone had been coming into the coffee shop talking about how the handsome young firefighter had recently pulled an entire family from a car that, seconds later, had gone up in flames. An amazing feat, and also one that had thrown Rafe ten feet from the blast, giving him a good knock on his head.
“How’s he been doing since the accident?” Mary asked.
Kaitlyn wouldn’t know. She hadn’t spoken much to Rafe since what she was coming to call the incident, which consisted of one wedding, a few drinks, a rainstorm, and a much too inviting cabin. “I-I haven’t seen him,” Kaitlyn said.
Yet not even a minute had gone by that she hadn’t thought about him, and his nice full mouth that always seemed to be turned up in the tiniest smile.
God, that smile. That’s what had gotten her in trouble—Rafe’s ability to take any kind of worry or concern and somehow lighten it up with that easygoing, assured grin. It was irresistible—he was irresistible, especially to her, whose life was typically full of worries and concerns.
She blinked to find Mrs. Mulligan staring at her. “I’m sorry, Mary,” Kaitlyn said. “What did you say?” She had to stop her mind from wandering.
“I said I hope you’re going home now, dear. You look peaked.”
Kaitlyn flicked her hand in a dismissive gesture. “Oh, just a little tired.” And nauseated. And losing her lunch on a regular basis. And breakfast.
“Want another cup of tea?” Kaitlyn asked. “It’s no trouble.”
“Oh, no thank you. I know you’re closing. I just can’t get over how that boy saved those two little kids and their parents. He even managed to grab the puppy before the whole thing went up in flames. Don’t you think he’s quite a catch?” Mary punctuated her statement with a knowing look.
Kaitlyn didn’t disagree, but she also knew Rafe didn’t do serious. She skimmed her hand lightly over her abdomen, which was a little fuller than usual but still flat enough that no one would suspect a thing. Another wave of nausea hit her, but she clutched the counter and took a deep breath to quell it. Like it or not, she’d be thinking of Rafe Langdon for a long time to come.
“We have our own honest-to-goodness hero,” Mary said, clapping her hands together. “What an inspiration for the Christmas season.”
Yes, Christmas. Even now, outside the big plate glass windows that faced the street, snowflakes eddied around the orange glow from the streetlight. Swirls of chaos that reflected how Kaitlyn felt inside. Someone from the Angel Falls maintenance crew had hung a big lit-up candy cane on each light post, making the Main Street cheery and festive, and she herself had strung multicolored lights around all the coffee shop’s windows. She loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. But not this year. Not now. She felt anything but festive.
“How’s your niece doing, dear?” Mary asked. “I heard she’d gotten into some kind of trouble.”
Ah yes, Hazel. Her seventeen-year-old niece who was beyond thrilled to be dumped off in Angel Falls to complete her senior year far away from home in California, away from the bad influences that had landed her in trouble in the first place. Kaitlyn knew that Hazel was simply biding her time until she turned eighteen and could kiss Angel Falls and their whole family goodbye.
“She’s…settling in. Thanks for asking, Mary,” Kaitlyn said. She’d learned not to discuss her family’s problems, no matter how concerned and kind her customers were. Suddenly the shop bell tinkled, bringing in a few swirls of snow as well as the police chief, Colton Walker, who was holding on to Hazel’s bony elbow. With her thin frame, big brown eyes, and delicate bow-shaped mouth, Hazel resembled a pixie, a sweet, fragile creature. Except it was difficult to get two words out of her now, and she nowhere near resembled the little girl who used to love spending summers here. Catching Colton’s worried eye, Kaitlyn braced herself and set Mary’s tea mug on the counter with a chink.
“Colton. Hazel. Is everything all right?” She wiped her hands on her apron and bolted around the counter.
“Thanks for the tea, sweetie,” Mary said, blowing Kaitlyn a quick kiss. With a wave to Colton and a wink at Hazel, Mary astutely let herself out the door.
Kaitlyn approached her niece and held her by the upper arms, a move that forced Hazel to look at her. Hazel’s eyes met hers with their usual stoic look of well-practiced indifference. But just for a flash, they might’ve held fear, until she made her expression go flat again.
Colton gave Kaitlyn a sympathetic look. He practically made a second career out of helping the misguided youth of their town, so she knew whatever Hazel had done, it must’ve been serious for him to drag her in at closing time like this.
“Tell your aunt what happened, okay?” Colton said. It came out as more of a command than a question.
Hazel crossed her arms and tossed Colton a glare. “Why don’t you just tell her? You’re the one who insisted on bringing me here.”
Kaitlyn braced against another wave of nausea, willing it away. Oh God, oh God, she prayed. Please, not drugs. Anything but drugs.
“Okay, fine,” Colton said, blowing out a patient sigh. “Hazel here decided she wanted to get a magazine over at the pharmacy—without paying for it.”
Kaitlyn frowned. “A magazine?” She turned to Hazel, who was nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I could’ve given you the five dollars.”
Hazel’s face flushed, which Kaitlyn took as a sign that maybe there was the teensiest bit left of the old Hazel in there somewhere.
“Mr. Barter said this isn’t the first time. He’s looking to press charges.”
Kaitlyn gasped. Oh, this was not good. “Colton, no.”
“Hazel, do you have anything to say?” Colton asked.
“I didn’t do it.”
Now it was Kaitlyn’s turn to roll her eyes. She looked at Colton. “Can I talk to you—privately?”
She pulled him off to the side, next to a vintage life-sized sign of Santa holding a cup of coffee up to his mouth and winking. “Look, I’ve been…preoccupied the past few weeks. I should’ve been looking out for her more. Let me give her a job. Tell Mr. Barter she’ll be supervised 24-7.”
Colton narrowed his observant cop-eyes at her. “You okay? You look almost as bad as Rafe.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s no secret you two have some kind of tiff going on.”
“It’s not a tiff.”
“Well, whatever it is, he looks like shit too.” Colton dropped his voice. “Look, you told me Hazel’s done this in LA too. That makes her a repeat offender. Letting her slide again isn’t going to do her any favors in the long run.”
“I’ll be more diligent. I’ll keep a good eye on her. Please, Colton. If you tell Mr. Barter that, he’ll listen.”
Colton grimaced. “You can’t be responsible for everyone, just to let you know.”
Colton was well aware of Kaitlyn’s family situation, and she appreciated his understanding, but still, she felt like she’d been too wrapped up with her own…issues. She’d left the tending of Hazel to her mother, and that had been a mistake. “Thank you, but…I can handle it.”
He let out a heavy sigh. “It’s against my better judgment, but okay, I’ll see what I can do. But next time…” He made a cutting motion across his neck with his hands…accompanied by the faintest lift of his lips.
“Thank you,” she said, giving him a hug.
“And you’d better go get some sleep. Or make up with Rafe or something.”
She ignored that, then walked back over to the table where Hazel sat drawing patterns in the sugar she’d dumped from packets onto the table.
“So, are you throwing me in the clinker?” she asked, her mouth pulled up in a smirk. Kaitlyn tried not to be pissed.
“You’re going to work here,” Kaitlyn said. “Every day after school.”
“What?” She sat up and shot Kaitlyn an outraged look.
Kaitlyn ignored that. “That’s the deal. And when your shift is done, you’ll do your homework in the back. And if your fingers get sticky again, I won’t be able to stop anyone from pressing charges. That will look bad on your college apps.”
Hazel snorted, and Kaitlyn knew why. Because there were no college apps.
Kaitlyn’s sister had never been one for planning for practical things. There was no money saved for Hazel’s college education.
“I’d like to go back to Gram’s now,” Hazel said, not looking her in the eye.
“I’ll drop you off on my way to the station,” Colton said.
Kaitlyn thanked Colton. “I’ll see you here after school tomorrow,” Kaitlyn said to Hazel, as Colton ushered her out the door. She didn’t get an answer back.
Kaitlyn locked the door after them and dimmed the lights. She sat down at a table and put her head down on the cool wooden surface.
She had to do something to help Hazel before it was too late. But she couldn’t help wondering if maybe she was already too late. Her whole life, Kaitlyn had been responsible. She’d been a good daughter and a faithful sister. She’d been the one to take over her grandfather’s business and made a success out of it. But sometimes she felt like the only glue that held the tenuous bonds of her family together.
She’d vowed a long time ago not to allow her emotions to rule her decisions like her older sister had. That had led her to single motherhood at seventeen and a domino stack of bad decisions after that.
But hadn’t the same thing happened to her? She’d acted rashly with Rafe. She’d gotten swept away. How could she not, when every time he looked at her, her pulse skittered and desire rushed through her like a tidal wave?
In the darkened coffee shop, the strings of Christmas lights were as cheery as always, and the blinking lights from the ice cream shop across the street continued to remind her that life was going on as usual for most everyone else.
She reached into her apron to examine the clipping she’d ripped from a baking magazine earlier in the day. Win $15,000 Plus Three Months of Pastry Classes for the Best Christmas Cookie Recipe! the headline read. She ran her fingers over the finer print, thinking. Hazel was so bright—Kaitlyn had met with all her teachers at parent-teacher conferences a few weeks ago and they’d all asked about college plans. But they’d also all said the same thing—she was undisciplined. Unfocused. She didn’t care.
Maybe that was because she didn’t think anyone else did.
Kaitlyn tapped the clipping on the table. She had to start thinking of sustaining her business. Becoming a real businessperson. Growing. Winning that contest would give her niece a chance at college and also help Kaitlyn put her shop on the map.
As for pastry classes…well, Kaitlyn had always dreamed of taking those. She’d always wanted to expand her baked goods section, which was popular. Plus, she knew exactly the recipe she’d submit.
She had to start securing her future. Now more than ever, she had to count on herself, because she could never really count on anyone else to help.
Because she didn’t need a pregnancy test to tell her that she was going to have Rafe Langdon’s baby.
Rafe caught the mug of beer that Jonathan McDougal, the owner of the Tap, slid across the shiny wooden bar top. “On the house,” Jon said. “For our local hero.”
Rafe took the beer, lifting it in thanks. He didn’t want to be hailed as a hero. “In that case, how about a sandwich too?” He took a swig and flashed Jon a grin.
“Sure, Rafe. Whatever you want.”
“Just kidding. And I’m no hero. Just doing my job.”
“Of course you’re a hero,” Jon said. “You got that whole family out of that car before it exploded—even the dog. And you weren’t even on duty.”
“That car blew sky-high,” said Eli Nelson, a carpenter who was sitting at the bar. “It was a miracle you didn’t get killed yourself.”
“You’re lucky you got away without a scratch,” Evan Marshall, the full-time deputy cop said. “How’s your eardrum?”
Rafe took a deep swig of his beer. And made the okay sign. He remembered very vividly the explosion, the noise, the smell of burning rubber, the searing heat. The fact that his eardrum had burst was the least of his problems.
No, what got him was the look on the parents’ faces as he’d cut their seat belts and dragged them out of that car. Stricken. Fearful. Wondering if their kids had survived.
He’d pulled them all out—Christ, he’d had to cut the guy’s coat off too—and even as the paramedics strapped them to backboards and took them to the hospital, all the parents could do was cry and tell him over and over how thankful they were.
Rafe’s relief and joy were marred by the fact that he couldn’t help seeing an entirely different face. The face of his fiancée, Claire, who had died trapped in a car eight years ago. How many times had he imagined that same look on her face as she’d been trapped, alone and afraid, knowing in his heart he could have prevented it all?
The beer in his stomach churned.
“The couple made a huge donation to the fire department,” Evan said.
Yes. They were a wealthy family, and they’d shown their appreciation with a ginormous sum of money. His lieutenant had been pleased, and the whole town had a feat of bravery to gossip about. They’d put him on a pedestal. Women loved that stuff. So what was his problem?
“I heard they didn’t take the dog,” Jonathan said as he wiped down the bar.
“It broke its leg, didn’t it, Rafe?” Evan said. “We took it straight from the scene to the vet hospital.”
The Saint Bernard puppy, eight weeks old, had been slated as a Christmas gift for cousins of the young family.
“Doc Sanders says it’s going to be good as new,” Rafe said.
“So why didn’t the family want it?” Eli asked.
“It wasn’t a perfect Christmas puppy anymore,” Evan said.
Eli set his beer down hard, making a tsk sound.
“What? That’s nuts,” Jon said.
“That family could afford three more Saint Bernard puppies,” Evan said, shaking his head. “They didn’t want a damaged one.”
Rafe always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, but even he had to admit, he just didn’t get the reasoning. Plus, he felt a strange affinity with that dog. Because like the dog, Rafe was damaged too—just not visibly.
“Hey, a couple of us are going into Richardson on Friday night,” Evan said. “Want to come? Randall knows some ladies who would love to hang out with a town hero and his buddies, eh?” Evan bumped his elbow.
“Thanks, Evan, but I’m busy this weekend,” Rafe said. He wasn’t busy—but he didn’t want to go pick up women.
The accident had brought back his feelings of helplessness, of his inability to save the people he’d loved the most. It had reminded him of all the reasons he never got serious with anyone. Yet all he could seem to think about lately was Kaitlyn.
He’d tried so hard to keep her at arm’s length, but she’d crept under his skin and he’d let his guard down—and the unthinkable had happened.
“Aw, you’re no fun lately,” Evan said, not letting the topic go. “You used to be the life of the party. If I were you I’d be taking full advantage of this hero stuff.”
Rafe managed to laugh and make small talk until he finished his beer, then thanked Jon again and walked out into the cold. It was snowing pretty heavily now, the flakes big and fat, the kind that stuck to your eyelashes and your coat. The cold air felt good—it woke him up and made him focus on something other than that accident. He didn’t even zip his jacket, wanting to feel something, anything other than upset.
His truck was parked in the lot, but he didn’t get in, just kept going. Told himself he needed a brisk walk to clear his head, that he didn’t care where his feet led him. But he did care. And he knew exactly where he was headed.
The Bean was closed for the night, but his feet led him there anyway. He imagined Kaitlyn inside tidying up before tomorrow’s morning rush. He missed seeing the way she tucked her pretty blond hair behind her ear and smiled. And talking to her about everything and nothing. He missed her, period.
And he missed the thing that had ruined their friendship. Sinking onto her softness, murmuring her name as he brushed his lips against her soft full ones, her little moans as she kissed him back and came apart in his arms.
He shook his head to get the images out of his head. But he couldn’t, and they’d already affected him, if the tightening in his pants was any indicator.
“Rafe?” a familiar voice said. “What are you doing out there?”
Kaitlyn. Startled, he realized he’d been standing in front of the big window, staring in. He wasn’t sure for how long.
Yearning, as well as a confusing mix of relief and longing, rolled through him. He remembered all their easy, relaxed conversations, the way she somehow always made him feel…better.
And he was ashamed to say he needed her—just to talk, to hear her voice. He needed her quiet calm.
She was fussing over him, tugging him by the arm. “It’s freezing out here, and you haven’t even got your jacket zipped. And where’s your hat and gloves? Geez, you’re covered with snow.” Her busy hands dusted off the coating of snow that had accumulated on his hair, his coat.
“I was at the Tap for a while,” he said.
As she pulled him inside of the warm, deserted shop and steered him over to a table, he noticed she smelled good, like dark rich coffee. And apples and cinnamon. He had to stop himself from grasping her by the arms and telling her how badly he wanted things to go back to the way they were.
She placed a hand on a hip and assessed him. “Did you eat dinner?” she asked. “Don’t even answer. I’m making you a sandwich. And I’ve got some homemade chicken soup left.”
“Why are you still here?” he asked.
“I was…going over some numbers,” she said.
“You look pretty,” he said. Fuck, why had he said that?
She halted halfway to the kitchen and turned. “Rafe Langdon, are you drunk?” She frowned and tiny lines appeared between her eyes. He wanted to smooth them with his fingers. No, he wanted to kiss them away.
“Just a little,” he said. He wasn’t at all. But if he said he was, he could get away with staring at her for a little longer, the way her hair reflected off the multicolored Christmas lights. The way her blue eyes looked so worried, the way her frown still hadn’t disappeared.
“Are you okay?” he asked, and he could swear she blushed. He didn’t come here to dump his troubles on her. He’d just wanted to…see her. Be near her. How many beers had he had? Two? Hell, maybe he was drunker than he’d thought.
“Of course I am. Why would you ask that?”
He shrugged. “Just that you look tired.” On the table was a clipping from a magazine. He lifted it up.
“What’s this for?”
She took it out of his hands. “Nothing. It’s…nothing.”
He snagged it back and read it. “A recipe contest?”
She shrugged nonchalantly, but her fingers tapped restlessly on the table. “It’s just something I’m thinking of entering.”
He searched her eyes as he slid the clipping back in her direction. “I’ve been worried about you.”
“Rafe…don’t.”
“My sisters told me your niece is having some problems. Everything all right?”
“Yes. Everything’s fine.” She lowered her eyes. “Actually, just between the two of us, she just got caught tonight trying to lift a magazine from the pharmacy.”
Her pretty blue gaze flicked up at him. Between the two of us. What would it be like for there to actually be a two of them? Because Kaitlyn was used to going it alone. She was the toughest woman he knew. And, paradoxically, the softest of heart. But he would be making a big mistake to even pretend he was capable of having a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to her.
“Hazel stole a magazine?” Rafe asked.
Kaitlyn nodded. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg, I’m afraid.”
“Wasn’t she supposed to get a job?” he asked. “I thought that was the deal your mom made with her.”
“My mom never insisted on it. So I just hired her.”
He blew out a breath. “Kaitlyn, that’s kind of you, but—you sure that’s a good idea? It sounds like the kid needs more than a job.”
“I guess we’ll see.” She dropped her voice. “I couldn’t just do…nothing.”
He nodded sympathetically. Kaitlyn was known for taking on lost causes—stray cats, lonely customers…him. Before he could say anything, she’d jumped up and run into the kitchen. She brought him soup and a sandwich, which tasted like the best he’d ever had, and he thanked her.
“So why the recipe contest?” he asked softly. “Don’t you have enough to do?”
She heaved a sigh. “My grandfather had this recipe for double chocolate cookies that was amazing. I know it would win the contest. But it’s…lost. No one knows where it is and my mom doesn’t remember how to make them.”
“And this is important why?”
“No one has prepared for Hazel’s college. Someone’s got to help her.”
“You care about everyone but yourself.”
“That’s not true.” She pushed the paper a little way toward him. “The prize includes pastry classes at the Culinary Institute of America. That part’s for me.”
“You always wanted to do that.”
“If I had more bakery offerings, I’d ensure the shop would do well and maybe even expand one day.”
Rafe nodded and set down the clipping. “You have circles under your eyes.”
Kaitlyn swallowed and dropped her gaze from his. “I’m fine, Rafe. How about you? Everyone’s talking about you. How are you doing after…the accident?”
He ignored the question and placed his hand over hers on the table, and she immediately stiffened. But he cut to the chase anyway. “Kaitlyn, I—miss you. I miss how we used to talk. I miss my…friend.”
“We were more than friends, Rafe.”
He smoothed his thumb over the back of her palm. “That part was…that was really good too.”
“I don’t want to be friends with benefits, Rafe. You know that.”
“I know. And you know I can’t make you any promises,” he said. “I just…I can’t get serious with anyone.”
He knew he wasn’t normal, that he really had no idea what he was asking. That unearthing the feelings he’d buried deep inside him would mean telling her things he’d never told anyone before.
“I miss how things used to be between us,” he said instead.
She flicked her eyes up at him. “Me too, but things changed when we slept together. I just—I can’t go back to the way things were.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry—I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I can’t give that to anyone.”
She drew her hand away. “I’m sorry too, Rafe. But I need someone who can commit to a relationship. Someone who thinks I’m worth the risk.” She stood up, her chair scraping on the wood floor. “I think you’d better go.”
He nodded, because what could he say? She was right. She deserved someone better. Someone who could give all of himself to her, and he couldn’t do that, because there wasn’t anything left of him inside. He made himself get up, and shrugged on his coat. “I’m so sorry,” he said as he let himself out the door.
Kaitlyn watched Rafe walk out and locked the glass door behind him. She turned off the lights and even made it halfway up the back staircase to her apartment before she started to cry. Standing by the picture window that overlooked the postcard-perfect street of her beloved town, she took in the quaint line of shops, the windows decked out in Christmas lights, the wrought iron lampposts decked out in holiday finery. She’d never had the desire to leave here—never wanted to travel the world or settle in a big city or somewhere far away. No, she saw her destiny right here, in this town, in her grandfather’s little café.
There was a time when she would have jumped at the chance to be friends with benefits with Rafe. To have a casual, noncommittal thing. But not now. Not with…the baby.
She realized now why she hadn’t told Rafe she was pregnant yet—because she’d been holding out for a miracle. Waiting for him to say he was over his first tragic love and that he could open his heart enough to see the possibility of love with someone else. With her. There’d been times when he’d looked at her and she’d seen something wonderful there—something that had made her believe over and over again that that was possible.
Now she knew it wasn’t. She and this baby were on their own.