It was the last day of July 1953, and the first time since Doug had been taken into custody that Rosie was able to visit him. Since that dreadful day, she had been torn between her love for her son – who was still not fully recovered from his ordeal – and her loyalty as a wife.
Last Friday the postman had brought the visiting voucher which she was to present at the gate on arrival at Strangeways Prison in Manchester. The voucher was for Tuesday. That was tomorrow, and already Rosie’s stomach was turning somersaults at the thought of seeing Doug again. She was ashamed to admit it, but since he had been locked up, she hadn’t missed him for one minute; though there were times when the house seemed strangely silent and empty with only her and Danny here. In fact, Rosie loved it with just the two of them.
After a restless night, she awoke feeling troubled. Leaving Danny sleeping, she hurried downstairs to find a letter on the mat by the front door. As soon as she picked it up, she recognised the handwriting. It was from Ned. Switching on the passage light, she read it where she stood. Ned was never known for his letterwriting, and she was surprised to find that it was long and soul-searching:
Dear Rosie,
You must think me all kinds of a coward for not coming to Martha’s funeral. The truth is, I believe she would not have wanted me there. But you must know that.
Like I said in my earlier letter, I was deeply shocked by what happened. When I read the newspaper reports of what Doug had done, my first thoughts were for you. But even then, I could not bring myself to come back. I couldn’t explain it in my first letter, and I can’t explain it now; except maybe I really am the worst coward.
There is no love in me for Doug, but I do miss you and my grandson. One day, when I miss you both enough, you’ll find me on your doorstep.
Forgive me, Rosie. Please don’t tell Doug you’ve heard from me. We’ve been like strangers for too long now. I know he would only reject anything I have to say.
Please accept this five-pound note. Give Danny a big hug for me. Tell him my work keeps me away, but I will not forget him.
Keep well.
Yours affectionately,
Ned
‘Shame on you!’ Neatly folding the letter, Rosie replaced it in the envelope, and this she put in the pocket of her dressing-gown. Switching out the passage light, she made her way to the living-room. Once there, she took out the letter and opened the sideboard drawer. ‘I won’t hug your grandson for you, Ned,’ she said bitterly. ‘When he needed you, you weren’t here. We’ve both done our crying for you, and now I’d rather he forgot you ever existed.’
Opening the drawer, she was about to put the letter inside when the other envelopes caught her eye. There were four of them, an earlier letter from Ned, and three from Adam. She didn’t need to read them for she knew every word; especially the ones from Adam. After Doug was arrested, Adam had offered his help. She didn’t answer that one so he wrote again, this time threatening to come and see her. She replied then, a cursory note to say that she wanted nothing more to do with him. She told him how she believed she was partly to blame for what had happened, and asked him never to write again, or try and contact her in any way. Taking out the last letter, she read it once more:
Dearest Rosie,
I was sad to receive your note, but not wanting to add to your distress, of course I’ll do as you ask though it goes against my natural instincts.
You must know I still love you.
If you want me, I’ll be here. You have my address.
Yours always,
Adam
Incensed that any man could write such a letter when he was married to another woman, she had thrust it in the drawer with the others, and there it had remained. Now, before she could ever be tempted to read it again, she tore it into little shreds, before throwing it in the bin along with all the others. But it was engrained on her mind. I love you. ‘Damn you, Adam Roach!’ Because she loved him too, and she always would.
Busying herself in readiness for the day ahead, Rosie quickly put the letter out of her mind. The idea that soon she would be sitting in the same room as Doug was more than enough to occupy her every thought.
Peggy was on her annual fortnight’s holiday, and had agreed to stay in Rosie’s house with Danny. ‘With school out, that lot indoors would drive him crazy,’ she laughed. She laughed a lot lately, and Rosie knew it was for her benefit. Like Rosie, Peggy had been stunned by the whole ordeal, and neither of them had yet talked about what the future might hold for her and her son. It was a subject that dogged Rosie day and night, and she could see nothing ahead but trouble and heartache.
‘You look real smart,’ Peggy told her on this Tuesday morning. In her brown two-piece and white blouse with the frill at the neck, Rosie did look smart. She had on her best black patent shoes and wore a deep-brimmed cream hat that suited her shoulder-length brown hair. But her eyes were shadowed with tiredness, and her face was pale and gaunt. She had lost a deal of weight and her jacket looked too big across her frail shoulders. There was a haunted expression about her that persisted even when she smiled, and when she spoke it seemed as though her mind was elsewhere.
‘You’re not listening, are you?’ Rising from her chair, Peggy crossed the room to where Rosie was looking in the sideboard mirror and fiddling with the neck of her blouse. Putting her two hands on Rosie’s shoulders, Peggy gently turned her round until they were facing each other. ‘You don’t really want to go, do you?’ she asked softly.
Suddenly Rosie was opening the drawer and her hand was on the letter. ‘This was lying on the mat when I came down,’ she explained, handing it to Peggy. ‘It’s from Ned.’
She read the letter. She had also read the first one so the contents didn’t surprise her. ‘Don’t blame him,’ she said. ‘Nobody knows what he went through with Martha.’
‘He should be here, Peggy, and you know it.’ Rosie didn’t find it so easy to forgive. ‘Whatever happened between Ned and his wife and son is no fault of Danny’s. To a child, everything is black and white. How can he understand why his entire family have been taken from him? How in God’s name can I ever hope to explain such a thing?’ She choked on the words. ‘Ned should have been here. Now we don’t need him.’
‘I know how you must feel, Rosie,’ Peggy entreated. ‘But you can’t really know what he’s thinking right now. What happened has affected all of you… not just Danny.’
‘It’s Danny who’s suffering the most because he doesn’t understand. If Ned had been here, we could have helped each other.’ Rosie was not convinced that he should be cleared of all blame. ‘What kind of man can stay away when his wife is murdered and his son is imprisoned? What kind of a man is it who won’t come to his grandson when he needs him?’ She shook her head. ‘No, Peggy. Until Ned has the guts to face me, I can’t altogether forgive him.’
Momentarily silenced by Rosie’s outburst, Peggy was lost for words. Presently she said, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak so harshly. Don’t shut Ned out, Rosie. Everyone has their own way of dealing with tragedy.’
There had been a terrible anger in Rosie until that moment when she looked into Peggy’s dear face. Suddenly the anger softened and tears welled up to choke her. ‘Oh, Peggy, I don’t know what to think. Sometimes I believe it was all my fault, and I can’t bear it.’ Her lovely brown eyes were hauntingly sad. ‘If it hadn’t been for me taunting Martha, maybe none of this would have happened.’ The tears had been held back, but now they spilled over and, throwing herself into Peggy’s arms, Rosie sobbed like a child, words tumbling over one another. ‘Oh, Peggy, I wish to God I could turn the clock back.’
Peggy let her cry. Rosie had comforted her so many times, and now it was her turn. She held on to that dear soul, horrified by how thin Rosie had become, and wondering where it would all end.
Ashamed, Rosie drew away. ‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured, ‘I shouldn’t heap my troubles on you.’ She felt better for crying, but there was a great hard lump in her heart still, and nothing she could do would break it down. Suddenly weary, she sank into the fireside chair. ‘I don’t know how I can face him,’ she murmured. ‘I won’t know what to say.’
‘You can’t think he blames you?’ Collecting Rosie’s hat from the floor where it had fallen, Peggy came and sat opposite. ‘You mustn’t think that.’
Rosie opened her mouth to speak, but her throat was tight and her heart too full. Eventually she whispered, ‘He killed his own mother, Peggy, and it was me who called out for him.’
‘Well o’ course you called out for him!’ she retaliated. ‘So would any other woman. Martha was holding a knife against your son’s throat. What else could you do?’
‘Happen I could have talked her out of it?’
Peggy shook her head. ‘Didn’t you try that? Before Doug came into the room, didn’t you try and talk her out of it?’ She was desperately concerned for Rosie. Day by day she had seen her going downhill until now she hardly ate and it was obvious from the dark circles beneath her eyes that she was not sleeping either.
‘I did try! Honest to God, I did try.’ In her heart, though, she was convinced that there must have been something more she could have done… been a better person perhaps?… kinder to Martha?… kept a lock on little Danny’s door? She hadn’t even realised that Martha was becoming a much more dangerous enemy. Now she was cold in the churchyard, and Doug was locked up for her murder.
The funeral had been a strange affair, with curious crowds lining the way, but only herself and Peggy at the church. Even the service had been short and to the point. When Martha was laid into the ground, the earth was quickly shovelled over and she was lost to sight as though she had never been.
‘Look, Rosie, I know we mustn’t speak ill of the dead, but the woman was completely mad,’ Peggy remarked now. ‘Folks round here heard her screaming and yelling at the top of her voice at all hours of the day and night. Like I said, it were a tragedy waiting to happen. And if you didn’t realise it, that’s because you’ve a kind heart and see only the good in people.’
Rosie gave a wry little laugh. ‘You’re wrong, Peggy. I saw the evil in her all right. But I mistook it for wicked mischief.’ Clasping her hands together, she stood up, driven by the awful memories. ‘When she hurt Danny that first time… made a mark on his forehead, I should have known. I should have been more on my guard.’ She breathed in, a long slow breath, and then let it out on a great sigh. She pushed Martha from her thoughts. ‘I’d better be going or I’ll be late, and like as not they won’t let me in.’ Realising that Rosie had deliberately changed the subject, Peggy also stood up, to remark in a lighter voice, ‘As long as they let you out, gal, that’s all as matters.’
The typical remark made Rosie smile. Reaching out she took Peggy in her arms and the two of them hugged each other tightly. ‘You’re a good friend,’ Rosie acknowledged. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’
‘You’d go to ruin, I expect,’ Peggy said in a mock serious voice. They laughed then, and the tension was broken.
Surreptitiously brushing away a tear, Rosie went to the mirror and put on her hat. Then she patted the creases from her skirt and picked up her bag from the chair. Peggy watched her every move. ‘Thanks for looking after Danny,’ Rosie said simply. ‘I checked him just before you came in, and he was sound asleep. Let him be. He’s had little enough rest lately.’ Not a night passed without her being woken by his cries. The nightmares never seemed to end.
Peggy walked her to the door. ‘I know somebody else who hasn’t had much sleep either,’ she chided. ‘And I’ve come to a decision.’
‘What?’
‘There’ll be time enough to talk about that when you get back. Now be off with you!’ Giving Rosie a little push, she nudged her out of the front door. ‘And don’t worry about the lad, I won’t disturb him. I’ll be too busy doing your ironing.’
Before Rosie could protest, the door was closed and Peggy was inside, leaving Rosie standing on the pavement, a little smile lifting the corners of her mouth. Gazing at the house, she shook her head and fondly imagined Peggy inside. ‘God bless you,’ she murmured. Then, before she might change her mind, set off at a brisk towards the tram-stop.
Having missed the ten o’clock tram, she had a fifteen-minute wait for the next one. The minutes seemed like hours, and she grew more and more nervous. It was bad enough going to prison in the first place, without being late. The queue began to swell, and many of the women knew her by sight. Normally they would have passed the time of day, but this morning they turned to talk to each other, ignoring her as if she wasn’t there. They all blame me for what happened, Rosie thought bitterly. Suddenly the sun went in and the skies darkened over. It turned chilly and she wished she had put on her mackintosh.
‘They don’t mean any harm, luv.’ Mrs Norman from two doors down had never liked Martha Selby, and was quick to state her support for Rosie. ‘Folks is funny,’ she added with a smile. ‘They’re embarrassed, d’you see? They don’t rightly know how to behave in matters such as these. Some are quick to point the finger, others reckon it’s none o’ their business, and them like me want to help but don’t know how.’ Her round face beamed a smile that lit up Rosie’s sorry heart.
‘I know,’ she declared gratefully. ‘On the whole, people have been kind.’ She was thinking about the grocer who had sent a basket filled with food; the postman who expressed his sympathy at what had taken place; neighbours who had carried out the old tradition of going round the houses for a small contribution which was then given to the bereaved. When Mr Pope knocked on her door a week back, Rosie had been tempted to refuse the gift. But to do so would have been an insult, so she had thanked him kindly and spent the whole two pounds on a wreath for Martha. Though she knew there would come a time when that money might be sorely needed, Rosie couldn’t bear the thought of spending it on anything else. The large floral tribute was the only one on Martha’s coffin, and had made a lonely sight.
‘And how’s your little lad, me dear?’ The entire episode had been reported in the newspapers, down to the smallest detail, together with a description of how the boy had been used.
‘Mending well,’ Rosie told her. There was no need to say any different.
‘Aye, that’s the way.’ The older woman nodded and beamed, and turning to the queue, declared in a loud voice, ‘It’s a pity folks don’t realise at times like these, it’s just a bit o’ kindness that’s needed!’ She was particularly alluding to a fat brassy-faced lady in a blue hat and carrying an umbrella. ‘Isn’t that right, Dora Lockley?’ Widow Lockley had a vicious tongue and the declaration was more of a warning than retribution, because, with regard to the Martha Selby affair, she had so far managed to keep her opinions to herself.
Silence ensued, during which Rosie didn’t know which way to turn. But then the woman in question came and stood before her. ‘I know I’m an old gossip,’ she apologised, red-faced, ‘but I swear I’ve never said one bad word against you. In fact, I can only imagine what you went through with that dreadful woman. Believe me, Mrs Selby, you do have my sympathy.’
‘Bless you for that,’ Rosie said. And at once there was a chorus of cheering and laughter, and light-hearted shouts for Dora Lockley: ‘’Ere, you old bugger, get yerself back to the end of the queue!’ The tram arrived. Rosie sat in the first seat and, as they each passed her, the passengers tapped her affectionately on the shoulder. ‘Keep your chin up, lass,’ they said. And Rosie arrived at her destination with a lighter heart.
The forbidding sight of Strangeways Prison wasn’t enough to dishearten her. Neither was the long wait and the curious stares of the wardens, nor the miserable room into which she was eventually shown; though she did feel highly apprehensive while seated at one side of a table, with a prison warden behind her and a vacant seat for Doug opposite.
Rosie believed she had prepared herself for anything. But when Doug came through the door, she gasped aloud. He was a shadow of his former self. In his drab prison garb and with his hair cut within an inch of his head, he was almost a stranger. Yet there was something horribly familiar about him, a kind of intimacy that shook her to the core. For one unnerving moment, when Rosie looked into these wild odd-coloured eyes, it was Martha who stared back at her. And it was Martha’s voice that addressed her in clipped tones. ‘You’re late!’ Grabbing the back of the chair, Doug drew it out and sat down. ‘Couldn’t face the thought of seeing me, eh?’ he demanded sharply.
‘I missed the tram.’ It seemed such a lame thing to say, but it was the truth. ‘I’m sorry.’ She half smiled, but it died on her lips when he sat before her, his peculiar eyes boring into her face.
‘I suppose when it came right down to it, you couldn’t stay away. Curiosity got the better of you, did it? Wanted to see the kind of place you’d put me in, did you?’ When she hesitated, he raised his voice. ‘ANSWER ME, BITCH!’
At once the officer stepped forward. ‘All right, officer,’ Doug acknowledged humbly. The officer stepped back, and Doug returned his gaze to Rosie. It wasn’t humble now. It was hard and penetrating. ‘I’ve had time to think in here.’ Though he spoke in a quieter tone, his voice was sharp and cutting. ‘Oh, yes, I’ve had plenty of time to think.’ His hands were clenched together on the table, and while he spoke he rubbed the palms one against the other. They made an odd rasping sound, like two dry pieces of wood.
‘I’ve done some thinking too,’ she told him softly. There was an air of dignity about her that momentarily silenced him. Her eyes regarded his ashen face. ‘There’s been a great deal on my mind of late.’
‘Hmh! Not about me, that’s for sure.’
‘Yes. About you, and Martha, and how desperately sorry I am for what happened.’
‘Sorry!’ he sneered. ‘Won’t bring her back, will it, eh? Won’t save me from the gallows either.’ He watched her reel back at his words and was glad to have shocked her.
‘Surely to God it won’t come to that? I mean, they can’t hang you for defending your own son.’ The idea that he could be hanged had never seriously entered her head. ‘She would have killed him, Doug. I know she would have killed him.’
‘Happen I should have let her.’ His lips curled wolfishly. There was so much loathing in his eyes that Rosie could almost feel it.
‘Why would you even think such a terrible thing?’
‘Because he ain’t mine, that’s why.’ His fingers shot out and gripped her hand. ‘That’s what she said, weren’t it, eh? The little bastard ain’t mine.’ His fingers closed tighter until she winced with pain.
‘You know he’s yours.’ Shocked and enraged, Rosie wondered how in God’s name Doug could think otherwise.
‘Mine, eh! And how would I know that? You were always yearning for Adam. Even after we were wed, you still wanted him. Oh, don’t deny it. Every time I looked at you, I could see it. I could feel it whenever I took you, and as far as I know you still want him! How can I be sure you and that bugger didn’t copulate behind my back, eh? Come to think of it, the boy don’t even look like me.’ All these things had been churning over in his mind since he’d been put away. Now it was all he could think of. Eating, waking and sleeping, his mother’s vicious accusation burned in him until he was almost crazy. ‘If you ask me, it were all a set-up!’ His finger-nails dug so hard into Rosie’s skin that they drew blood. ‘You deliberately antagonised my mother. That night, you could have handled her, but you called out for me. Why? I’ll tell you why! Because it were all part of your plan. You wanted me locked up, so you and Adam Roach could have it all your own way.’ Kicking away his chair, he dragged her up by the hair. ‘My mam knew what you were up to, and you wanted her dead, didn’t you, eh? You wanted me out of the way and her dead! That’s right, ain’t it?’ In his madness he had lost all reason.
The pain was so bad, Rosie couldn’t even scream. It was as though her scalp was being torn off. Suddenly the officer was grappling with Doug, and she was caught in the middle. A whistle sounded, and the door was flung open. It took four burly men to tear him from her, and when he was led away, she was left bleeding and deeply shocked. ‘It’s all right, luv.’ The officer gently showed her to an office. From a distance she could hear Doug yelling: ‘He can have you… you and the little bastard! But I’ll find you. I swear to God, if I get out of here, I’ll hunt you down wherever you are!’
‘Not the nicest fella that ever walked, is he?’ The officer stayed with her while she received first aid. Handfuls of hair came out with the bathing, and there were deep scratches all over her forehead. ‘You can press charges, you know.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t want that.’ Even now, Rosie was reluctant to make things worse for Doug. But, as far as she was concerned, they were even. If she had ever blamed herself for what happened to Martha, her guilt had now turned to contempt. How could he have believed his mother’s vindictive lies about Danny being Adam’s son? God! If that had been true, she would have gone with Adam right from the first. Marrying Doug was the biggest sacrifice she had ever made. And the reason was because she was carrying his child. When Danny was conceived, Adam was serving in the forces. Doug knew that. And still he was taking Martha’s word against hers. If only she’d been given the chance, Rosie would have argued this with him.
The kindly officer escorted her to the front gates. As he let her through, he eyed her up and down. ‘You don’t deserve a man like that,’ he declared. ‘But when he’s allowed visitors again, you’ll be safe. I can promise you that.’
Glancing beyond him to the barred windows and the open yard, she replied simply, ‘I won’t be visiting again.’
His lined face softened slightly. ‘I understand,’ he said, closing the gates.
The sound of the huge bolts being thrust home sent a shiver down Rosie’s spine. For a long poignant moment she remained perfectly still. In her mind’s eye she recalled the awful scene in that tiny room. When Doug accused her of bearing Adam’s son there was such loathing in his voice it had made her blood run cold. When he’d dragged her up by the hair, there was murder in his eyes.
There in the street, with the smell of the prison still on her, Rosie made a heartfelt vow. ‘Doug Selby, even if you were to be set free tomorrow, it’s all over between us. As long as I live, I can never forgive you for renouncing Danny.’ Danny was Doug’s son. Now, he was an outcast without a father. ‘But he’ll have me,’ she murmured, making her way to the tram-stop. ‘With the help of the Lord, I can be mother and father to him.’
Peggy knew as soon as she opened the door that there was something wrong. She saw the way Rosie’s hair was pulled over her forehead, saw the determined expression on that lovely face, and sensed there had been trouble of a kind. But the only comment she made was to assure Rosie, ‘Danny’s been as good as gold. He ate all his breakfast and now he’s playing in the yard.’
‘Thanks, Peggy.’
‘I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?’ Peggy suggested. When Rosie gave no answer, but instead closed her eyes, Peggy went to her. ‘Was it such a dreadful ordeal?’ she asked kindly.
Turning, Rosie smiled, but it was a sad little smile. ‘I shan’t be going to see him again.’ Coming away from the door, she sat herself at the table. ‘Doug and I have nothing more to say to each other.’
Astonished, Peggy followed and sat in the chair opposite. The tea could wait. This couldn’t. ‘I can’t say I’m sorry,’ she confessed. Leaning forward on the table, she put her chin in her hands. ‘I knew there was something the minute I saw you. What happened in that place?’
Rosie described everything. About how Doug believed Danny was not his, and how he’d viciously attacked her and had to be dragged away screaming. ‘There’s no future for us, not now,’ she explained decisively. ‘For Danny’s sake more than mine, I’ve turned a blind eye to many things. Now that he’s rejected his son, there’s no need for me to go on pretending.’ Though her heart was breaking for Danny, the fact that she would never live with Doug again was a great relief.
‘You could go to Adam?’
‘I could no more go to him than I could love Doug! You know how I feel about Adam taking Ned’s business. Besides, one way or another, Adam is at the bottom of everything that’s gone wrong in my life.’ She could hear herself saying these things, but she was not entirely convinced. She might hate herself for loving him, but she couldn’t stop that same love from growing more intense over the years. Adam was her first love. He was her only love. Now, though, it was all too late. ‘Please, Peggy. Don’t ever speak of him again.’
‘If that’s what you want?’
‘Haven’t I said?’
‘Okay. But there’s something I want to say, and the sooner I get it off my chest, the better.’
For the first time since she came through the door, Rosie smiled, a one-sided, knowing little smile. ‘Go on then,’ she suggested. ‘You’ve been itching to tell me something since this morning, so you’d best let it out before you burst.’
‘I want to come and live with you. I’ve been thinking about it for ages, gal. You and me, in this little house with Danny. It’ll be really cosy. I can pay you a proper board, so you won’t be too strapped for cash. I’ll help with the cooking and washing, and I’ll even mind Danny if you want to go out once in a while of an evening…’
‘Whoah!’ Rosie laughed. ‘What brought all this on?’
‘Well, it makes sense, don’t it?’
Rosie shook her head. ‘Thank you, sweetheart, but no,’ she said. ‘I know why you want to do this, and I’m deeply grateful.’
Looking Rosie in the face, Peggy blushed, ‘I never could hide the truth from you, could I?’
‘Not that I can remember.’ She met Peggy’s contrite gaze and her heart was warmed. ‘Like I said, Peggy, no one could have a better friend. But your place is with your mam, and you know it. Danny and me, we’ll manage well enough.’
‘I’m really worried about you, Rosie, especially now, when you say you and Doug are finished for good an’ all. You’re on your own, and it’s a cruel place out there for a woman on her own.’ There was genuine concern in her voice. ‘It’s going to be real hard.’
‘I know.’ In fact, Rosie was acutely aware of her desperate situation. A short time ago she was a married woman with a regular, if small income. Now, suddenly, she was on her own, with a child to care for and no man in her life. What with her meagre savings all gone, and the authorities dragging their feet to help out, the time had come to make serious decisions. The last thing she wanted was to receive her friend’s charity. Such a thing didn’t bear thinking about! ‘I intend getting a job,’ she announced proudly.
‘What about Danny? He can’t start school until next year, can he?’
‘I’ve thought about that.’ Rosie hesitated, not certain how Peggy would react. ‘And I’m going to ask your mam if she’ll mind him. I know he’ll be well taken care of, and I’ll pay her good money.’
Peggy was thrilled. ‘She’ll like that. She keeps on about how we’ll all be leaving home afore too long and nobody will want her then.’ She laughed aloud. ‘Honestly, the way she carries on at times, anybody would think she were headed for the rubbish tip.’
‘So, you really don’t think she’d mind me asking?’ Rosie was visibly relieved. ‘Only I wasn’t sure.’
‘What! She’ll bite your hand off!’
‘I’ll ask her first thing in the morning.’ Rosie felt as though she was once again in charge of her own destiny. ‘Then all I need to do is find a job.’ That would be the hardest thing because well-paid jobs without Saturday work were still hard to come by.
Sitting back in her chair, Peggy quietly regarded her. ‘Are you any good at figures?’ she asked.
All right, I suppose.’ Rosie was curious. ‘I managed to feed and clothe us all on what little I got from Doug. And I was never more than two weeks behind with the rent.’ She sat up, frowning. ‘Why?’
At first Peggy was coy. Rosie didn’t realise how lovely-looking she was. Once she was let out, men would fall over themselves to court her. Someone like Rosie could bring trouble on her own head without even realising it. ‘There’s a job going in the offices,’ she said reluctantly. As soon as the words were out, she regretted them. It would be ironic if Robert, the office manager, took a liking to Rosie.
Rosie’s brown eyes danced. ‘Oh, Peggy, do you honestly think I stand a chance?’ The idea of making her own way in the world was both daunting and exciting. ‘Won’t they want someone with experience? After all, it’s been a long time since I went out to work. And anyway, I’ve never worked in an office.’
‘You’re right. They may not want you. But then again, the job’s been vacant for a couple of weeks and, as I understand it, they haven’t found anyone suitable yet. I even considered going after it myself, but I’m hopeless at figures and wouldn’t know one end of a ledger from the other.’ She giggled. ‘Give me twenty-four hours and I’d have the whole place in chaos. The orders would be all wrong, and I’d be bound to get the sack.’ She looked at Rosie and saw a different kind of trouble ahead, but knew that nothing she could say would stop her friend now. ‘It’s up to you,’ she said. ‘If your mind’s made up, give it a try. What have you got to lose?’
While Peggy was talking, Rosie was thinking and now could hardly contain her excitement. ‘I’ve got nothing at all to lose,’ she said, suddenly pacing the floor and thinking aloud. ‘I do have a bit of experience because a couple of times I prepared Ned’s ledgers for the accountant. It was easy. All I did was copy some invoices into the book, and tot up the total at the end. But in a big store like Woolworths, there must be mountains of paperwork.’ Her courage began to waver. ‘Oh, Peggy! I’m so afraid something will go wrong… either I won’t land a job, or your mam won’t agree to have Danny.’
‘She’ll have him all right.’
‘If I don’t see her right now, I won’t sleep tonight.’ For the first time in years, Rosie was beginning to think of herself. It was a good feeling. ‘If she says yes, that will be the biggest obstacle overcome, because I wouldn’t dream of leaving Danny with anyone else.’
‘By God! You don’t let the grass grow under your feet, I’ll give you that.’
‘Will you mind Danny for a few minutes?’ Rosie didn’t want to take him with her. ‘I know he wouldn’t object to staying with your mam because he likes her a lot. But I won’t mention it to him until it’s all settled.’
‘Go on then.’ No sooner had she said it, than Rosie was out of the door and away down the street. ‘Me and my big mouth!’ Peggy chuckled. ‘If Robert takes a fancy to her, I’ve only myself to blame.’
Peggy’s mam was delighted. ‘’Course I’ll have the lad,’ she agreed. ‘And if you’re still at your job when he starts school, I’ll take him and fetch him home. It won’t be no trouble, luv.’ Her face beamed from ear to ear. ‘By! And here were I thinking me useful days were nearly over.’ A shadow crossed her face when Rosie reminded her that she hadn’t yet got a job.
‘Oh, but I will!’ she promised. ‘I’ll have work before the week’s out, you see if I don’t.’ Suddenly the whole world was opening up and nothing would stop her now.
Peggy wasn’t surprised to learn her mam had agreed to have Danny. ‘I told you she’d bite your hand off.’ Strangely subdued, she made her excuses and left soon after. Rosie noticed the change in her mood, but put it down to tiredness. After all, Danny could be a handful when he put his mind to it.
After Peggy had gone, Rosie couldn’t settle. The idea of being responsible for her own life again, made her nervous. At the same time she was looking forward to it immensely. Strange how unforeseen circumstances can change a woman’s life overnight, she thought. When Doug was here, the idea of going out to work and leaving Danny with someone else was unnecessary and unthinkable. Then, when Martha came to live with them, Rosie became a prisoner. Now, because of a series of tragedies – Ned losing his business and deserting his wife, Martha’s death and Doug’s imprisonment – she was set free. Everything was changed forever.
Thinking of all that had happened, Rosie’s joy faded. Going to the back window, she watched her son at play. He was a fine boy, and yes, Doug had been right because, except for the colouring of his hair, Danny bore little resemblance to his father.
When emotion threatened to overwhelm her, Rosie launched into a fever of cleaning. She cleaned the cooker and washed the curtains. She scrubbed the kitchen floor, then, when Danny came in tired and hungry, set about making the evening meal.
When at last she sat down with him, weariness washed over her like a tide, seeming to take the last vestige of her energy. Watching the boy tuck into his fish-dabs and scallops, she envied him his appetite. For days now she had been unable to eat. She couldn’t recall the last time she had slept soundly, and though she knew the damage she was doing to herself, had seemed powerless to reverse the downward spiral. Now, though, when she began toying with the food on her plate, she was surprised and delighted to find that she was really hungry. She took one mouthful of fish, then another, and before she knew it, had finished the meal, leaving her plate as clean as Danny’s.
Rubbing his eyes, he climbed down from the table. ‘I think it’s time you were in your bed,’ Rosie told him. And he didn’t argue.
When he was washed and in his pyjamas, she took him by the hand and led him upstairs. Normally he would talk all the way, but tonight he was unusually quiet. ‘Where’s my little chatterbox then?’ she asked, tucking him into bed. She felt his forehead. There was no fever. ‘It’s all that fresh air made you tired, I expect,’ she surmised. ‘Peggy told me you played out all the time I was gone.’ Reaching out, she took his favourite teddy from the bedside cabinet and laid it beside him.
In a move that took her by surprise, he grabbed her hand. His big eyes looked up, moist with tears, as he asked in a whisper, ‘When’s Daddy coming home?’
For one awful minute she was uncertain how to answer. Danny had asked the same question many times since Doug had been put away, and each time her heart was torn in two. ‘Not yet, sweetheart,’ she told him. He had suffered enough since that night, and she had to protect him from the truth for as long as possible.
‘Is he with Gran’ma?’ A tremor of fear touched his voice, and he visibly shivered. ‘Has Gran’ma taken him away?’
‘Don’t you remember, I told you how Gran’ma went to Heaven?’ The boy nodded so she went on, ‘And no, he isn’t with your gran’ma. He’s just gone away for a while.’
‘Is he coming home?’ That same question, over and over.
And always the same answer: ‘I don’t know for sure.’ But now she did know for sure, because ‘home’ was her and Danny, and Doug had forfeited the right to both. As far as the house itself was concerned, if the day ever came when Doug walked in through the front door, she and Danny would pass him on the way out. But Danny was too young to be caught in the middle of the bad feeling between them. ‘I’m sure Daddy will come home as soon as he can.’ She hated herself for misleading him, but what else could she do? If she told him the truth, the nightmares would start all over again, and he might never mend. Later, when there was no option, there would be time enough for the truth. Right now Danny desperately needed reasssurance.
‘Is he a long way away?’
‘Not too far, sweetheart.’
‘Does he still love me?’
Rosie’s heart almost stopped. ‘I thought you already knew that?’
He considered her reply before raising his arms and wrapping them round her neck. Placing a sloppy kiss on her mouth, he said sleepily, ‘Night, God bless.’ He fell back into the pillow and closed his eyes.
‘Night. God bless, sweetheart.’ It was a long time before Rosie could tear herself away. She sat on the edge of the bed, gazing down at that small sleeping face and silently offering a prayer. ‘You ain’t given me much in life, Lord,’ she whispered, ‘but this little fella makes up for it all.’
After a while she returned to the living-room. From the door, she let her gaze roam round the room, from the few stalwart items of furniture to the threadbare carpet and yellowing net curtains. She recalled the very first time she had set foot in this house. After living with Doug’s folks, it was like a dream come true; her very own place, a sanctuary from Martha and her vile ways. Now, Martha had tainted this place too, and it would never be the same again. ‘You’re still here,’ she said aloud. ‘You and him. You’ll always be here.’ Their presence was like a tangible thing, pressing down on her. But she wouldn’t let it! In her heart Rosie had a new dream. A dream that didn’t include Doug. It was just her and Danny, living in a different place, a place where they would be safe from the past, a place where nobody knew them. A safe and quiet place where they could start afresh. Not much to ask, but for now it was an impossible dream.
Rosie actually laughed aloud. ‘Stop fooling yourself, gal,’ she chided. ‘First things first. Get yourself a job. Come next year Danny will be starting school, and wanting all kinds o’ things. Meanwhile, there’s two mouths to feed, the rent to be paid, and decent clothes for your backs.’ Tomorrow, she would put on her best bib and tucker and present herself at the Woolworths offices.
Coming into the room, she began clearing the table, all the while wondering what to wear. She had a nice two-piece, two pretty frocks, one best blouse and two well-worn skirts. She also had a very smart jacket hanging upstairs in the wardrobe. Yes, she might wear that. ‘Best try it on before you decide,’ she told herself. ‘You’ve lost that much weight, it might resemble a blanket on a scarecrow.’
Her thoughts flew in another direction. Wonder what he’s like this Robert Fellows? Until now, she had felt confident. Suddenly, with the office manager to confront, she was apprehensive. ‘Don’t get above yourself, my gal,’ she warned. ‘Happen he’ll take one look at you, and show you the door.’
With that sobering thought, she washed the dinner things, locked up and went to bed. But she couldn’t sleep. Instead, she conjured up all manner of appearances for Robert Fellows. She regretted not asking Peggy about him. Was he tall, short, thin or fat? Dark-haired or fair? Did he have a kindly manner, or was he sharp-tongued? But, whatever he was, she was determined to make a good impression. ‘You can be sure of this, Mr Robert Fellows,’ she muttered, ‘if there’s a job going, and I can do it, you’ll find I’m not easily put off.’ With that she drifted off to sleep. But it wasn’t Robert Fellows she dreamed of. It was Doug. And beside him stood Adam, and it was like looking through a mirror at everything that had ever happened in her life. Soon, Doug’s image faded and she was left alone with Adam. In her dreams, she let herself love him. When he took her in his arms the tears of joy ran down her face, and all her fears were gone.
When she awoke in the light of a new day, the tears lay stale against the coldness of her skin. There was a pain in her heart that wouldn’t go away, and even when she threw back the curtains to let the sunshine flood in, it didn’t lighten her spirit. Instead, she recalled how she had felt in Adam’s strong warm arms, and was filled with the deepest regret. At that moment, she felt she was the loneliest creature in the world. ‘Come on, Rosie, gal!’ she told herself. ‘Feeling sorry for yourself won’t pay the rent.’
Going to the wardrobe, she sifted through the meagre items until her hand came to the jacket. Drawing it out on the hanger, she took it to the mirror and held it against herself. It was a fitted style, slate grey in colour, with a dark velvet collar and velvet pocket flaps. ‘That’ll do,’ she decided. ‘It looks smart enough, and I reckon it will still fit a treat.’ If not, she could always move the big bone buttons to make it fit better.
At nine o’clock on the dot Rosie went down the street hand in hand with Danny. He was excited about staying with Peggy’s mam and chatted non-stop all the way there. ‘My! You look very posh.’ Peggy’s mam regarded her with a critical eye. ‘If you don’t get the job, I’ll eat me best Sunday hat!’ she exclaimed. Rosie looked very elegant in her straight navy skirt and grey velvet- trimmed jacket. The hardest thing to decide was which blouse to wear beneath, but eventually she’d settled for the white one with the frilly collar; though the frill hid most of the velvet collar, it lent a touch of efficiency to her appearance, which she thought might appeal.
‘Why, thank you,’ Rosie said, flushing with pleasure. ‘You don’t think I’ve overdone the make-up?’ Normally she wouldn’t wear such a strong shade of lipstick, but Peggy assured her it suited her.
‘You look grand, lass.’ Peggy’s mam beamed her approval.
‘And the shoes?’ Rosie raised her foot to show the black patent shoes. ‘You don’t think the heel is too high?’ They were a heady three inches and already they were killing her.
‘I reckon you look a real treat,’ Peggy’s mam told her firmly. ‘Now be off about your business.’ She smiled at the boy who was still clinging on to Rosie’s hand. ‘Me and Danny have got things to do.’ Stooping to whisper, she told him, ‘I thought we might go into town and have a sticky bun in that little cafe near the railway station. What do you say to that, eh?’
‘Can I, Mam?’ Looking up at Rosie, Danny’s eyes were shining at the prospect.
‘’Course you can, sweetheart.’ She took him in her arms and they clung together for the briefest minute, before he was running up the steps. ‘You be good now,’ Rosie warned.
It was Peggy’s mam who answered. ‘He’ll come to no harm,’ she said. ‘Now be off with you.’
Going down the street, Rosie recalled where Peggy’s mam was taking the boy, and her heart was heavy. It was the very same cafe where she had told Adam she was marrying his best mate.
The memory stayed with her on the tram, and it was with her when she stopped off the tram outside Woolworths. ‘It’s now or never, gal,’ she told herself. ‘So put your best foot forward.’ She did, and it hurt. In fact, she would be surprised if the wretched shoes hadn’t crippled her by the time she got home!
Taking a deep breath, she went into the main store. Peggy was the first to see her, and came rushing forward. ‘Shouldn’t leave me counter,’ she said, furtively glancing round, ‘but I saw you come in and wanted to wish you luck.’
‘Where’s the office?’ Rosie felt completely out of place, and already her confidence was vanishing.
The woman came out of nowhere. ‘Back to your counter, Miss Lewis,’ she said in a frosty voice. And, with a little grimace at Rosie, Peggy hurried away. ‘Is there some problem, madam?’ Tall and sharp-featured, with her fair hair rolled into a sausage shape, the young woman was immaculately dressed in a black two-piece, with just a touch of white at the throat and a silver bar across her breast-pocket. The bar was etched with the words ‘Miss B. Emmanuel, Floor Manager’. The woman looked Rosie up and down as though she was tasting something nasty. ‘Perhaps I can help?’ Her smile was stiff and her hands were constantly agitating against her skirt. She made Rosie feel nervous.
Tve come about the vacancy in the office.’ When the woman closely scrutinised her, Rosie was tempted to turn tail and run.
‘I wasn’t aware they were interviewing anyone today.’ Holding out her hand, she asked, ‘May I see the letter?’
‘I haven’t got a letter,’ Rosie explained, shifting from one foot to the other and wondering why she had been so vain as to wear such uncomfortable shoes. ‘I heard there was a vacancy, and called in on the off-chance.’
The woman’s face lit up and her smile broadened. ‘Oh, I see!’ she exclaimed. ‘In that case, you’ve made a wasted journey, Miss…?’
‘It’s Mrs.’ More’s the pity, Rosie thought. ‘Are you sure I couldn’t have a word with someone? Perhaps the office manager, Mr Fellows, might see me?’
She knew at once she had said the wrong thing because the smile slid from Miss Emmanuel’s face and in its place came a look of horror. ‘Good Heavens! Mr Fellows is far too busy to waste time on someone who just walks in off the streets. No, I’m sorry. You must write in with all your particulars, and, if you’re lucky, you may be called for interview. Good day, Mrs…?’ She paused, her mouth open, waiting for Rosie to provide the necessary information.
She bristled. She had taken an instant dislike to this arrogant woman. ‘The name is Mrs Selby, and I would appreciate it if you could go and ask the gentleman himself. After all, it would be his time I’m wasting, not yours.’
The woman was adamant. ‘We follow a procedure here, Mrs Selby.’ Her voice was controlled, but her attitude was hostile. And I can assure you, there would be no point whatsoever in my going to Mr Fellows because his answer would be exactly the same.’ Her handsome grey eyes were enhanced by thick mascara and a heavy pencilled line. Now, when they opened wide and stared at her, Rosie was put in mind of a panda. They opened even wider when a man’s voice intervened.
‘I heard my name mentioned, Miss Emmanuel?’
Both Rosie and the woman were startled. But it was the woman who became flustered at the sound of Robert Fellow’s voice. ‘Oh, Mr Fellows!’ She swung round and almost fell over. ‘It’s this young woman.’ Casting a cursory glance at Rosie, she went on, ‘I have tried to explain that we can’t just interview anyone who walks in off the street. I have also suggested she should follow regular procedure. But I’m afraid Mrs Selby is being rather rude and aggressive.’ She sulked a little and her crimson lipstick stuck to the corners of her mouth. Rosie tried not to look, because it was one of those things that would irritate her all day.
Robert Fellows had a nice face. Not as handsome as Adam’s, Rosie thought, but pleasant to look on. He was much the same build as Adam too, with strong broad shoulders and an easy manner that put her at ease. His eyes were softly brown, not dark like Adam’s, and when he smiled, like now, she smiled with him. ‘I think I can spare a moment for a little chat,’ he told Miss Emmanuel in a charming voice. ‘After all; we’ve already interviewed several people for the post, and as yet we’ve not been able to find one suitable candidate,’
‘But we do have a proper procedure, Mr Fellows,’ she protested haughtily. ‘And I don’t think we should make any exception.’ She was aware that certain members of staff, including Peggy Lewis, were watching, willing her to lose the argument. ‘It would set a bad example, if you see what I mean?’ What she really meant was that she might lose face if he went against her advice.
Stepping between her and Rosie, he smiled. ‘Oh, I think we can be forgiven in this instance.’ Turning to Rosie, he said, ‘All the same, I do hope you’re not wasting my time?’
‘So do I.’ Rosie calculated him to be about thirty years old, yet he had a boyish charm that made her want to giggle. Strange, she thought, how she was constantly comparing him to Adam.
‘To the office then.’ He set off towards the bottom of the store and she followed, finding it difficult to keep up with his long strides, especially when the shoes on her feet were gripping her toes like a vice.
They passed Peggy’s cosmetics counter. She gave Rosie the thumbs up sign. For her trouble, Peggy got a severe glare from Miss Emmanuel who was fuming by the front doors and blocking the shoppers’ access. Then past haberdashery and on to the confectionery counter. At the point where the fabric racks met houseware, Robert Fellows took a left turn. For a frantic moment he was lost to Rosie’s sight, but then she caught a glimpse of him hurrying up the stairs. Breathless, she ran after him. When she got to the top, she paused for breath. ‘You ain’t as fit as you thought, Rosie gal,’ she chuckled. When she raised her head, Robert Fellows was looking at her, and she blushed to the roots of her hair.
A long, meandering room with large windows all round, the office was surprisingly welcoming. There were three desks with members of staff sitting at them. One man was aged and grey, the other fat and balding. At the third was seated a kindly-looking woman aged about fifty. She put Rosie in mind of Peggy’s mam. Each desk has a large black telephone, and they all started ringing at once. ‘We’re a team,’ Robert Fellows explained. Seating himself in a big leather chair behind his desk, he gestured for Rosie to occupy the upright chair immediately in front. ‘Some people object to working in one big office, you know. They prefer to be shut away in a little room on their own. How do you feel about that?’ His question was abrupt, taking her by surprise.
‘I like the idea of working as a team,’ she answered truthfully. ‘And I would imagine it to be more efficient.’
His eyes gleamed. ‘My sentiments exactly, Mrs…?’
‘Selby.’ She wished it could have been any other name, because no sooner was the word out of her mouth than the three clerks swung round to stare at her, three pairs of eyes all looking her up and down as though she was a curiosity. Robert Fellows appeared not have noticed so she went on, ‘I’d best tell you straight off, I don’t know the workings of a big office. The only ledger I’ve ever tended was my father-in-law’s, and that was just to tot up the coal invoices.’ That information appeared to have confirmed the three clerks’ suspicions because they turned to stare at her again, although the woman did give her an encouraging smile.
Robert Fellows quietly regarded her. He liked what he saw. She was smart and presentable. She was not coarse or loud, like many of the applicants he had seen. And from what he could gather downstairs, she had stood her ground with the formidable Betty Emmanuel. As far as he was concerned, that alone spoke volumes for her character. On top of all that, she was exceptionally lovely; a little thin perhaps, but that was by the way. ‘Write your name and address for me,’ he suggested, pushing a fountain pen and a sheet of paper towards her.
As she wrote, he watched her closely, noting the rich brown hair that tumbled to one side of her face when she inclined her head, the long thick lashes and that perfectly formed face. It was one he would never tire of looking at.
‘I’m sorry.’ Pushing the paper back across the desk, she apologised, ‘My handwriting isn’t all that wonderful.’ The truth was, she hadn’t had much practice, and all the while she was writing she had been aware of his gaze on her. It had made her tremble a little. Consequently, the writing was unsteady.
He studied it. ‘You have a fine hand,’ he told her truthfully. ‘You say you know how to keep ledgers?’
‘Well, it was only my father-in-law’s, and just the one. I entered invoices and totted them all up at the end.’
‘One… ten, it’s all the same.’ He smiled encouragingly. ‘Are you good at sums?’
‘Good enough, I think.’ In fact arithmetic had always been her strong point.
‘And the telephone?’ When she frowned, he added, ‘You’d be amazed at how many people are frightened to use a telephone.’
‘I don’t have occasion to use a telephone all that much. I don’t have one at home.’
‘What? You mean your husband hasn’t had one installed?’ Rosie felt all eyes on her again, and thought the time had come to put her cards on the table. ‘My husband is in prison.’ Since the others knew, there was no point in pretending otherwise.
In fact, he had already sensed the atmosphere when she mentioned her name, and knew of the case. He doubted whether there was one person in the whole of Lancashire who hadn’t read about Doug Selby and the tragedy that had led to his mother’s death. He hadn’t mentioned it because he wanted the truth to come from her. ‘I know,’ he said. And once again his smile put her at ease.
Rosie stood up then. Now that the truth was out, there was no point in continuing. She cursed herself for even thinking she could get a job. No one in their right mind would employ a woman with her background. She had intended lying, but the clerks had known instantly. While she carried the name Selby, she also carried its stigma. ‘I’m sorry,’ she apologised, preparing to leave. ‘It seems I have wasted your time after all.’
‘What are you like at making tea?’
‘Nobody makes it better.’
‘When can you start?’
‘Tomorrow, if you like.’
‘See Meg Benton.’ He gestured to the kindly-faced lady, who readily beckoned. ‘Give her your details, and I’ll expect you to report for duty at nine o’clock in the morning.’ With that, he pushed the chair back and strode out of the office, leaving Rosie too stunned to take it all in.
‘You’re one of us now, dear,’ Meg told her.
Rosie couldn’t believe her ears.