THIRTY-SIX

Luke Puke and I carried Adam to his room and dropped him onto his bed.

We’ve seen him explode many times before. Adam has a very explosive personality.

I’ll admit watching a friend’s head blow up can be pretty upsetting. But once you’ve seen it a bunch of times, it’s no big deal.

When Luke and I returned to the living room, everyone was discussing dinner.

“We need to show Mr. and Mrs. Perfect that we’re a normal family,” Brainy Janey said. “When they arrive, we need to crowd around the table, and have a family dinner cooked by Mama. That will send the Perfects on their way.”

I squinted at Mama. “Can you cook?”

Mama nodded. “I was a cannibal for ten years when I was younger. I can cook anything.”

Janey grinned. “See, Mama is going to save the day.”

Mama rubbed her hands together. “You diddy-wads are in for a treat,” she said. “Lead me to the kitchen and bring me your biggest frying pan.”

Janey took Mama’s elbow and led her into the kitchen. I heard pots and pans clanging and banging in there.

“Okay,” Mama called. “Bring me that fat parrot so I can cut its head off! Who wants to help me pull off its feathers?”

“I will!” Wacky Jackie volunteered. She jumped up from her chair and started to the birdcage.

“Awk. You shut up!” Ptooey squawked.

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“Wait! Stop!” Nervous Rex cried. “We can’t eat the parrot.”

“Why not?” Wacky Jackie demanded.

Rex held his belly. “Every time I eat parrot, it upsets my stomach.”

“Ptooey! How about a bite?” the parrot squawked at Mama. “Come over here. I’ll give you a bite you won’t forget!”

Mama shook her head. “Okay, I’ll make something else for you cluck-clucks.”

She turned and looked out the window at our backyard. “I see you have vegetables growing in the garden. I’ll pick some of them and make a stew.”

“Uh . . . those aren’t vegetables,” Janey told her. “It’s garbage that has taken root.”

Mama stepped into the dining room. “Let me think . . . let me think of something I can cook. I think—”

She stopped with a short cry. And her eyes bulged as she stared at our dining room table.

She pointed with a trembling finger. “Is that . . . is that a dead cow on the dining room table?”

Everyone turned to the table.

“No,” I said. “It’s Junkfood John. Sometimes he falls asleep there.”

I poked John in the stomach. “Wake up. Come on, get up. We need the table. It’s almost dinnertime.”

John groaned and rolled off the table and onto the floor.

“Hey, everyone—” Babbling Brooke called from the middle of the living room.

We all turned to her.

“Whose turn is it to walk Pooper?” she shouted.

Handy Sandy raised her hand. “It’s my turn,” she said.

“Well, good news. You don’t have to walk him,” Brooke said. “He just made a big pile on the floor.”

Mama’s little eyes went wide as she stared at the floor. “Does anyone ever clean up after Pooper when he does his business in the house?”

“Almost always,” Sandy said.

And that’s when the front doorbell rang.

The Perfects were here.

A STRETCHING EXERCISE FROM COACH SWETTYPANTS

Listen up, people.

This story is getting tense.

Here’s a simple stretching exercise you can do to help you stay relaxed through the next part of the book. It’s easy. And you don’t need any special equipment, either. You can do it wherever you are, indoors or outdoors or even without doors.

1. Let’s start at the top. Move your head around and around in a circle until you hear a soft cracking sound in your neck.

2. Ignore the pain and keep rotating your head, listening for the CRACK CRACK CRACK of your neck muscles loosening up.

3. Raise your right hand high above your head. Higher. Higher. Now lift your right foot off the ground and balance yourself on the toes of your left foot.

4. Now reverse. Raise your left hand and your left foot and balance on your right toes. Listen up, people. If you fall over, don’t get discouraged. Try balancing from a sitting position.

5. Now here’s the real stretch. Bring your left leg up and entwine it under your right arm.

6. Bring your left arm under your right leg and hold it till you feel the stretch behind your knees.

7. Fold both hands under your knees and tuck your legs over your arms.

8. Hey, I seem to be stuck here. I can’t seem to untangle my arms and legs.

9. Can anyone help me? I’m in a lot of pain here, and I just heard something snap in my back.

10. I really do need some assistance. Is anyone out there? Can anyone help get my legs free so I can crawl to the nurse’s office?

11. Anyone?