“Men can starve from
a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of
bread.”
Richard Wright
Xavier and Ian returned from a three-day weekend getaway to New Orleans. He needed time away from family and all the drama going on at Holy Rock and between his parents. With his dreams of attending Xavier dashed for now, he made the trip to enjoy himself in the New Orleans French Quarter. He invited Ian to come along and they had a great time. They had much in common and Xavier found Eliana’s brother easy to talk to and to hang with, except Ian could act a little too flamboyant at times for Xavier’s taste. Nevertheless, he tried to ignore that about Ian’s personality and chose to concentrate on the good times he enjoyed with him.
Before taking the train to New Orleans, the two of them had spent most of their free time together since they met at Eliana’s house a few months back. Their relationship was innocent and until they arrived in New Orleans, they considered themselves platonic friends. All of that changed the second morning they were there. Since that time, they had become lovers and Xavier couldn’t be happier. He thought there would never be anyone who could make him happy, make him smile, or make him feel the way Raymone had made him feel, but boy had he been wrong. He still thought about Raymone, and occasionally tried to reach out to him via email, but never received a response. Raymone no longer had the same cell phone number, had deleted his social media accounts, and it was as if he never existed. It weighed on Xavier heavily at times because he was the reason for Raymone’s permanent disability of living as a quadriplegic. He prayed time and time again to God for forgiveness, but for Xavier it never seemed to be quite enough. He felt so guilty, so horrible about the accident. Was it because he was a gay man that he was being subjected to these awful feelings? Was God getting back at him for the lifestyle he lived? He tormented himself constantly because he didn’t want to be the way he was. He didn’t want to succumb to the desire he had for other men, but it was like he was an addict. It was as if he was addicted to living this often persecuted lifestyle.
Now that he had met Ian, he struggled even more with his sexuality. One part of him adored the relationship he and Ian were developing and the other part of him was in a mental struggle for him choosing to lie with a man and not a woman.
“Hey, we have to do this again,” Ian said as they walked to the Memphis Central Station parking garage where they had parked and left their cars.
“Yeah, we do. I had a great time,” Xavier said, “but now it’s back to work. I’m sure there’s plenty of drama I’ve luckily missed out on since being out of the M-town.”
Ian laughed as they continued the short trek to their individual cars parked next to each other.
“Well, thanks for inviting me to go with you,” said Ian.
“You bet. I’m glad you accepted.” They arrived at their cars and stood in between the two vehicles. “Since, uh, since things went to the next level, where do we stand, in your opinion?” Xavier asked. He didn’t want to appear too forward or act like he expected anything to be different, but inside he hoped they would get closer.
“I say we take it one day at a time. I really like you. I like you a lot, and of course I still want to see you. But you told me you’re still dealing with some issues about your friend who was horribly injured. You feel it’s your fault, and you said yourself you don’t know if you’ve gotten over him completely. I wouldn’t want to push you into anything, Xavier. Just because we… well just because things turned up in New Orleans, I don’t expect anything from you other than friendship. And you told me too that you’re wrestling with your homosexuality. Unlike you, I’m in a good place. If God doesn’t accept me the way I am, then I figure it’s his loss, you know.”
Xavier nodded, not in agreement per say but because he was listening, really listening to every word Ian spoke. He wished he could be as carefree and not give a darn what others thought but he wasn’t like that. He cared what people thought and what they said behind his back. He wasn’t as strong and secure in who he was like Ian.
“I won’t live my life like I’m a mistake,” Ian continued. “I am who I am. If anybody doesn’t like it then that’s on them, and not me. I believe in God and from what I’ve been taught, he made us. He knows everything about me and about you, Xavier. Do you think us being homosexual escaped him when he was the one who formed us? It says he knew us before we were formed in our mother’s wombs. What does that say about him?”
Xavier looked at Ian curiously. He had never heard it put quite like that before regarding his homosexuality. If God made him, knew him before he was formed, ordained every day of his life, then surely God knew his lifestyle. What Ian said made so much sense. He had a lot to think about. Thanks to Ian, he could look at things in his life differently. If his brother, his mother, or his wayward father didn’t approve of him and his choices, that would be their problem and not his. That’s what he momentarily told himself. Whether he could actually begin to see things like Ian, he didn’t know, but he was sure going to give it a try.
The two of them embraced and said their goodbyes. “I’ll talk to you later,” Ian said.
“Yeah, maybe we’ll hook up tomorrow, have dinner, or something. I want to check out the new super hero movie that came out this past weekend. You up for it?”
“Sure, just text me or give me a call. I’m going back to work tomorrow but we’ll talk later tonight.”
They embraced, then opened the door to their respective cars and got inside. They waved at each other as they started their cars and drove off.
Xavier exhaled, smiled, and then went into deep thought as he replayed the conversation he and Ian had. He had to stop being so hard on himself. If he was going to live this lifestyle, he had to learn to be okay with it. He didn’t want to run from his problems any longer. Yes, he still had plans to go away or maybe stay in Memphis and attend college. People did it everyday—attended school online. He planned to look into doing just that. Ian opened his eyes and his mind to a lot of things. Ian was smart, intelligent, funny, and successful. He attended college while working a full time job and he still made time to do many of the things he loved.
Xavier thought about it more and came to the conclusion that he could do what needed to be done at Holy Rock, go to college, and still live his life the way he wanted to live it. He told himself he would no longer be under the rules and decisions of others, including his parents and his brother. He was not going to hide who he truly was…that was his intent. He prayed he could pull it off.