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EMMA
I packed up for my return trip to Western. I sent Zach a few texts, including one on New Year's Eve, between batches of caramel popcorn and movies with Dad, but they all went unanswered. I felt a twinge of guilt and a bad case of nerves. Maybe he was still upset with me. I'd left so much up in the air.
"Let me drive you back to school," Dad said.
"It's an hour there and back on some pretty slick roads. The bus will be fine. Besides, I already got my ticket."
Dad frowned. "It was nice having you back, Kiddo. We're going to miss you. You'll call me when you get there?"
"I will."
"And keep me up to date on any developments with that Walker kid."
"Dad!"
"You're my girl and I worry."
"Well, don't!"
He took me to the bus station and a part of me didn't want to go. I wanted to stay behind with Dad and Grandpa, working in the shop, making dinners and living a much simpler life. The only problem was that Dad and Grandpa would have none of it.
I texted Zach a few more times from the bus with no response. I decided to put thoughts of him aside and pulled out a book to pass the time. As the bus pulled into the station in Minneapolis, a fleeting part of me hoped that Zach was there waiting, arms extended, and I'd run into them like in some sappy romance movie, but the only people there were waiting for other buses.
I did like him. I liked him a lot, but it was so complicated. It wouldn't last. I was not Zach Walker material. And then what? He'd dump me, I'd move out and have nothing. I cared too much about him to just throw it away on a two- or three-month fling. But I had a bigger problem. What would we do now? Forget about it, like it never happened? Or worse, try to talk about it. I cringed.
These thoughts floated through my head as I hailed a cab to the apartment. This would be the first time seeing him in a month and as the cab dropped me off, and I made my way to his apartment and put the key into the lock, I thought my chest would explode from the nerves. I opened the door and walked into darkness. Nothing and nobody. I let out a huge sigh of relief and went to my room. It was just as I'd left it. Next, I hit the kitchen and scoured it to see if we needed groceries. I found a few dishes in the sink. At least Zach had been here recently.
I opened the fridge door. Other than a few beers, a brick of cheddar cheese, condiments and limp celery, there wasn't much to eat. I grabbed my purse and keys and walked to the grocery store less than a block away. I bought only the essentials and whatever else I could carry. Some mixed greens, chicken breasts, milk, bread and a few other odds and ends. I got back to the apartment and this time a few lights were on. Zach was inside and he glanced up from the sofa when I walked in. He nodded and that's when I saw someone sitting next to him. My heart thudded to the floor.
"Emma, this is Heather."
"Hi," she said with a spastic wave.
"Hi," I said and scurried into the kitchen. Not Heather. I tried to keep calm as I set down the groceries. Heather, the one who'd been pining for him. A wave of nausea made me grip onto the edge of the countertop. No, no, no.
Zach came into the kitchen and gave me a funny look. I didn't bother trying to cover up why I was hunched over. Sure, I could have said I had cramps, hurt my ankle or some other excuse, but I didn't bother.
"You don't need to make food for us or anything. We already decided to go get burgers."
"Uh, fine."
"See you later."
I heard them leave and slumped down in one of the chairs. I should have gone with my instinct and stayed in Pine Falls.
#
I COCOONED MYSELF IN bed the next morning not wanting to venture out and see Zach. Fortunately, he'd come home alone, but did that really matter? And what if she ever spent the night? The thought gutted me.
I knew he liked to go to the gym Sunday mornings, so I waited until he left. Then I pulled myself out of bed and lumbered into the kitchen, making myself coffee and looking through yesterday's paper. I couldn't even think about food.
I'd asked for this. I'd pushed him away and he'd moved on. My only option was to deal with it.
I looked at the clock. I'd offered to take a shift at Julian's to make an assortment of cakes and cookies. It would be a nice escape from the apartment. I took a shower, got ready and left a note for Zach that I wouldn't be back until evening. With keys and purse in hand, I grasped onto my phone as I walked out the door. It wasn't until I was in the elevator that I saw the text.
000:000:0000: Watch your back you ugly bitch.
Me: Get a life.
Sure, I was defiant, but I was also a little frightened. I wouldn't put it past Bianca and her friends to try something. I doubted they'd try anything serious, most likely something more subtle. Harass me at school or work. Follow me around campus. Throw things at me. Trip me in a hallway. It wouldn't be the first time I'd been bullied.
000:000:0000: Why don't you string yourself up and end it already.
Dread came over me. It was nice that Bianca had left me alone for a few weeks, but now that classes started tomorrow, I guess she wanted to remind me what a monster she was. I thought to delete it, but keeping it seemed like the best thing to do. It would be good evidence to show Jake one day, if he ever came around.
"How were your holidays?" Jessica asked when I arrived at Julian's.
"Good. And yours?"
"Lots of eating, so try to make something healthy."
I laughed. "Students don't buy healthy."
"I've got some good news for you," Jessica said, struggling to hold back a smile.
"You won the lottery?"
"I wish. No, Billie told me to inform you that you're back on floor duty. No more hiding you in the kitchen."
"Really? That's great."
"You're the hardest worker we have. You never complain about hours, show up on time, do what you're asked to do...you're the best employee here. After me, of course."
"Of course," I said.
"When you're finished in the kitchen, get your apron and get back out here."
I spent half my shift in the kitchen and the other half on the floor. I made chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, ginger snaps, banana nut bread and chocolate oat squares. I wanted to make carrot muffins, but ran out of time. The showcase still looked a little sparse so I left a note for Billie telling her I'd be happy to come in any time she needed me. Being around the apartment was the last place I wanted to be.
I trudged through the snow to the bus stop and saw a group of students. Had I been alone waiting for the bus, I probably would have headed back to Julian's and called a cab. If nothing else, Bianca had succeeded in spooking me a little. Despite the fact that Zach no longer felt Bianca was a threat, I made sure I was always aware of my surroundings.
I read on the ride home to keep my mind occupied and luckily for me the bus stop was half a block from Zach's. As I scurried home, I cursed Bianca for what she was doing and myself for being scared. Each time she sent one of those ominous texts, she scraped away at my defenses.
"Hey, why didn't you call me? I would have picked you up," Zach said from his usual position in front of the television.
I hung up my coat and shrugged. "I wasn't sure how long I was staying."
I didn't stick around to make conversation. It was already past eight and I wanted to change, get my books together and go to sleep. I retreated to my room and organized. A knock at my door interrupted me and I let Zach in.
"So what's up? Why are you acting weird?"
"I'm not. I'm just tired. It was a long day today."
His brown eyes searched me, looking for cracks. "Are we going to school together tomorrow?"
"Yes. What time are we leaving?"
"My first class is at nine-thirty."
"So is mine."
Unsatisfied, he left. I finished putting together my school bag and changed into my pajamas. I pulled out a mystery novel and tried to escape my life.
#
MORE SILENCE IN THE car the next morning. I stared out the window, watching the snow-covered streets and boulevards whiz by. Sure, this was awkward. We used to chat the whole ten minutes about anything from politics to hockey, but I didn't feel like talking and didn't have much to say, anyway. The minute we parked the car I went one way and he went another. We’d agreed to meet at Drake Hall at two-thirty.
I sat through classes, barely taking notes. My mind wandered to all sorts of places, like were they already sleeping together? Probably. When did they start dating? Likely right after Christmas. I bet they even spent New Year's Eve together. Worst of all, when would he bring her back to the apartment for a sleepover? The thought of making breakfast for the three of us made my skin itch and burn.
I hiked across campus to Drake Hall, kicking at sticks peeking through the snow. I was mad at myself, but not mad enough to do something about it. And even if I did something, what would it be? Tell Zach to dump her and then do what? Tell him what?
I stopped short when I saw Zach with Heather at our usual meeting spot. Neither saw me as I stared at them. She couldn't stop smiling as he spoke about who knows what. Jealousy devoured me. I turned away from them and waited by the doors and when I glanced back just one time, they were locked in a kiss. It felt like someone was reaching into my chest, yanking out my heart and squeezing it as hard as they could. I faced the doors, this time not vowing to look back.
"Waiting long?" Zach asked a minute later. He was at my side, a satisfied smile on his face.
"Just got here," I lied.
"What are we having tonight?" he asked as we drove home.
"I have a killer headache. Could you order out?"
"Oh, okay."
He sounded dejected and I didn't care. The moment we were home I barricaded myself in my room and didn't come out.