We promise you will not feel victimized by this party spread.
SERVES 8 (OR MORE)
This perfect platter is the pièce de résistance for throwing a massive party when your parents are away for the night. Just make sure to stash that fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe under the sink!
MAKE IT
A cheese plate is always a good idea. And since there is no cooking required, even the Karens in your life can handle it. Just follow these cheese platter rules and keep your fist out of your mouth:
1. Choose a variety of cheeses: soft, semi-firm, and super-firm. No, this is not Coach Carr’s Sex Ed class notes on boner varieties, but the types of cheeses you should offer on a well-balanced cheese platter!
• Soft: True crowd-pleasers are brie (maybe even baked) and Camembert.
• Semi-firm: Aged Cheddar or Gruyère are great choices.
• Super-firm: I personally like Bradley Cooper;
it’s savory, slightly salty, but not too pungent. Just like Brad himself.
2. Don’t forget the carbs: Bread and crackers are your friends. Keep it super-classy and your fertility vases hidden. A torn loaf of rustic bread mixed with a medley of crackers looks really nice and gives your refined guests a different experience with each bite.
3. Don’t skimp on the accoutrements: jams, nuts, olives, honey, dried fruit, trail mix. I’m fairly certain if you dug through your pantry, most of you would find some, if not all of these items, so throw them on the cheese board!
4. Add some sweet stuff: Fresh fruits, like apples and berries, are always nice, but dried is just as good if you’ve got it.
5. Don’t play it cool: Serve your cheeses at room temp. Just like no one wants a frigid date, no one wants cold cheese. Make this platter 30 minutes before your babes are supposed to roll through. It will be perfect by the time they arrive fashionably late.
6. Don’t forget drinks: Have wine & champs on ice and ready to serve! So, you’re like adulting real hard with this cheese party shindig… if you’re gonna step up your game with a gorgeous cheese spread, don’t pair it with that cheap sh*t! Buck up for a nicer bottle or at least a cheap one with a pretty label!
