Ms. Norberry Pie
This pie is a personal favorite of Randy from Chase Visa.
MAKES 1 PIE
Did you just get home from bartending at T.J. Calamity’s, only to realize your shirt is stuck to your sweater and your bra was probably showing all night? Well then open the fridge and bury your face in this berry pie! If teaching pi to teenagers can’t bring you joy, bingeing away your sorrows on pie sure will.
MAKE IT 
• Turn your oven on to 400°F. Open your pie crusts and fit one in a lightly greased pie pan to create the bottom crust.
• Grab all your berries, sugar, and lemon juice and put in a large saucepan. Simmer over medium heat until warm and juicy, about 7 minutes. Stir a couple times to keep things moving as they cook. Take a taste to see if you want it sweeter. Personally, we like ours a bit more on the tart side, but if you feel the need for sweet (or you’re naturally a salty bitch and require more sweetener), go ahead and add an extra ¼ cup sugar now.
• Spoon out ½ cup of the berry juice from the saucepan and put into a small bowl. Add the cornstarch and blend ’til smooth. (This is what you call making a slurry, which is totally different than slurry speech from too much rosé.) Make sure to blend in the little white cornstarch clumps or they will explode like a cocaine ball of magma in the pie, which is not fun.
• Now, go back to your pot of berries and bring ’em back to a nice simmer. Slowly stir in your slurry. Don’t smash your berries as you stir. Wait a couple of minutes ’til it all thickens up.
• Remove the saucepan from the heat and stir in the butter. Pour the mixture into the pie shell, top with the second latticed crust. Pinch the edges of the top and bottom pie crusts to give it a nice ’80s crimp. Brush the pie with the beaten egg white and sprinkle with sugar.
• Bake for 40 to 45 minutes, until crust is golden. But give it a check after 25 to make sure your sh*t’s not on fire, and at that point you will probably want to cover the pie with foil for the remaining cook time.
• Place on a wire rack or somewhere safe so it can cool. Although tempting, don’t dig in for a few hours or your whipped cream will melt like butter and slide right off. Dollop individual slices with whipped cream, if you like.
After brushing egg white on pie crust, feel free to brush some on your washed face and let sit for 20 minutes, or until your face becomes so tight you can’t blink. Rinse with warm water. Your face should look like you just had a Botox party and eyelid lift all in one! You’re welcome.
