Sometimes the worst happens. Scratch that. Usually the worst happens. That’s the second rule of parenting. The first rule is if the kids are quiet, they’re up to something.
In a world full of ravenous undead monsters, the odds of being bitten by a zombie are high. Add a distracting kid to the mix, and the chances skyrocket. It’s hard to keep an eye out for reanimated corpses while also arguing with a four-year-old about whether or not her leggings are the right shade of pink. At least you’ll die over something important.
But if you are bitten by a zombie, don’t give up yet. You have one small chance of survival: amputation. Cut off the bitten area immediately before the infection spreads. Read this section in advance to save precious seconds. If you’ve already been bitten and you’re perusing it for the first time right now, it’s too late. Unless you’re a speed reader. I should probably stop using all these extra words to slow you down. Right after this sentence. Or maybe this one. Moan if you’re dead yet.
Once you’re bitten, you’ll have only moments to make several life-or-death decisions. That’s why it’s important to plan them out ahead of time. Sit down with your family and decide which limbs you can and can’t live without. Write down your decision, preferably on a crude, cartoonish drawing your kids can understand. They might be the only ones around to do the cutting. Make your instructions comprehensive and legible. You won’t be able to give any last-minute instructions. Your kids won’t hear you over the chainsaw.
This is the amputation chart I gave to my family:
Always keep a sharp cutting tool nearby. It’s best to have it somewhere on your person. If you set it down, you’ll never see it again. You have kids in the house, so things move on their own. It’s like living with poltergeists.
Having the right tool at hand the moment you need it will make all the difference. It doesn’t matter if you were only bitten on your pinkie. You’ll still die if the sharpest cutting tool available is a spoon. Unless you’re tough enough to slowly scoop off your own hand. Remember me when you get your movie deal.
Whatever you use will be subpar by modern surgery standards. There won’t be many sanitized scalpels floating around once the dead walk the earth. Then again, you also won’t end up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Insurance companies won’t survive the zombie apocalypse. The end of the world sounds kind of nice.
Cutting Tool |
Pro |
Con |
|---|---|---|
Butter Knife |
Great if you want to butter a scone for your last meal. |
You won’t live long enough to eat it. |
Steak Knife |
Sharp. |
Hard to use effectively without a fork to hold your limb in place. |
Karate Chop |
If this works, you’re the most deadly ninja ever to live. |
It won’t. |
Wolverine’s Claws |
You’re Wolverine in the X-Men. |
Nothing can slice off your arm. Your adamantium skeleton prevents it. |
Sheet of Paper |
If you rub your finger on it just right, it’s the sharpest cutting surface on earth. |
Literally death by a thousand cuts. |
Machete |
Great for strong, swift blows. |
Messy. Stock up on stain remover. |
Chainsaw |
Fast. |
Will attract zombies with noise and splatter. |
Industrial Cutting Laser |
The closest you’ll come in real life to getting your hand chopped off by a lightsaber. |
Needs electricity. Good luck finding enough AA batteries. |
Clamshell Packaging |
Has cut off countless fingers in vain attempts to open it. |
Your profuse bleeding will ruin whatever’s inside. |
So let’s say you’ve been bitten. The first thing you need to do is eliminate the zombie threat. If there’s only one zombie that snuck up on you, kill it as quickly as possible. It’s hard to perform life-saving surgery if there’s still a monster actively eating you. If there are a bunch of zombies, on the other hand, retreat to a safe location. Resist the urge to stay put and make a heroic last stand. You have kids to think of. They’re the perfect excuse for cowardice.
Once you’re out of immediate danger, assess the wound. If it’s in one of the areas you can’t live without, settle in for a painful death. You might have a day or two to kill. I hope you brought snacks and board games. Trivial Pursuit is a good choice. It’ll make dying seem great by comparison.
If the bite is in a zone you deem expendable, however, it’s time to pick a surgeon. This is something you can’t prepare for in advance because you have no idea who will be with you at the time. Given that this is the zombie apocalypse, your odds of an actual doctor being there are negligible. Even if there is one, I don’t recommend using them. They’ll expect some kind of compensation in the new barter economy. Living is hardly worth it if you have to part with your last pack of diapers.
If you’re like most parents, you don’t have time for friends. That narrows down who might be with you if you get bitten. Realistically, there are three possibilities: (1) your spouse; (2) your kids; (3) no one. Each situation comes with its own perils.
If you choose your spouse, you’ll have someone with strong, competent hands to guide the cutting tool. If you’ve argued with them in the last twenty-four hours, you’ll also have someone with the right incentive. Just make sure they’re not angry enough to want you dead. A good marriage walks the fine line between mild annoyance and homicidal intent.
1. Verify your spouse is mad enough to wound but not to kill.
2. Ask nicely.
3. Tie a tourniquet around the part you want cut off.
4. Remind them that if you die, they’ll have to raise all the kids by themselves.
5. Close your eyes.
6. Open them.
7. Count how many body parts you have left.
Letting your kids perform the amputation has its own perils. You’ve seen how much damage they can cause with safety scissors. Now imagine a kindergartner with a battle ax. That’s why I have nightmares. If your children are a little older, however, they might be able to pull it off. Ideally, pick a kid who’s too old to hate you for early bedtimes but too young to hate you for early curfews. The age of twelve is about perfect. They still care enough to try to impress you, but they don’t understand how life insurance policies work yet.
1. Hand them the cutting tool.
2. Explain that you cut them out of your will, but you’ll put them back in it if you survive this.
3. Hope this isn’t a repeat of the time you let them carve the turkey and spent the rest of the day cleaning shredded meat off the ceiling.
The final option is to cut off your own arm. Before you attempt this, you’ll be filled with self-doubt. This is justified. You know all your own faults. It’s a good thing you’ve never had to write yourself a letter of recommendation.
Cutting off your own arm is not for the faint of heart. Actually, it might be. A weak heart pumps blood slower, so it’ll take you longer to bleed out. Although that’s not necessarily a good thing. It means if you fail, you’ll suffer in agony for longer before you die and become a zombie. Only cut off an arm or a leg if you’re seriously committed to living through it. If you die anyway, you’ve doomed yourself to an eternity as a one-armed zombie. Good luck being taken seriously as a predator.
1. Take a swig of the strongest alcohol you can find.
2. Take another swig.
3. Finish the bottle.
4. Finish several other bottles.
5. Pass out.
6. Wake up as a zombie.
Clearly that didn’t go as planned. Cutting off your own arm is a lot harder than it sounds.
Adjust the amount of alcohol you consume until you hit the sweet spot where you can’t feel anything but you’re still awake. This will take a lot of preparation beforehand. Practice drinking weeks or months in advance. If your spouse disapproves, tell them to back off. This isn’t alcoholism; it’s advanced first aid.
Whatever you do, don’t try to outdo that one guy who famously cut off his own arm after a boulder fell on it. He was young and fit. You’re a parent. Physical pain is easy to cope with if it’s not accompanied by the overwhelming emotional trauma of raising tiny people you created. Besides, zombies weren’t around back then. If that guy had died, he would have stayed dead, not turned into a walking corpse. Talk about no pressure.
No matter who you choose as your amateur surgeon, before anyone starts cutting, keep these pointers in mind:
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The next steps will depend on what got cut off. If you lost an arm, walk it off. If you lost a leg, hop it off. That’s the best medical care you can hope for at this point. If you’re lucky, you can stop the bleeding with gauze or maybe some duct tape. Whatever you do, don’t cauterize the wound. You’ll set yourself on fire. The zombie apocalypse is hard enough without also having your entire body covered in third-degree burns. Then again, zombies might leave you alone. They’ll smell from a distance that you’re overcooked.
Keep in mind the amputation might not have been enough and you could still die from infection. Or it might have been too much and the amputation itself could kill you. Either way, you’ll come back as a zombie. Be sure to have someone standing nearby to bash in your head if necessary. That’s what family is for.
Amputations are sort of like Christmas presents: It’s better to give than to receive. If someone near you is bitten, be prepared to chop off their limbs. It’s the neighborly thing to do. For your spouse, the process should be easy enough. Switch the roles listed in the steps above. You’ll say you feel their pain, but that’s a lie. Real pain hurts a hell of a lot more than empathy.
Conversely, amputating a child’s limb will require substantial adjustments to the plan. Kids get sentimental about things like a beloved blanket or a favorite arm or leg. Cutting something off might prove traumatic. Sit the child down. Look them squarely in the eye. Then lie. Lie like you’ve never lied before. Lie like their little life depends on it, because it does. Tell them to close their eyes because you’re giving them a present, you’re playing hide and go seek, or there’s an ugly naked person you don’t want them to see. If they’ve ever seen you undress, they’ll know the last one might not be a bluff. Whatever the excuse, the second they close their eyes, hack off the infected part. It’s best to use a machete or ax so you can do it in one swift, concise motion. That way they won’t be tipped off. It’s hard to surprise someone with a weed whacker.
Afterward, there will be a few tears. Okay, maybe more than a few. But if you’ve been a parent for any length of time, you should be immune to them by now. Kids cry about nothing and everything and all the stuff in between. I’ve been dealing with it for so long that I almost forgot desperate sobbing isn’t a normal reaction to having a sandwich cut into triangles. Apparently rectangles taste better. This time, your kid will have something worth crying about. But tell them to put a sock in it so they don’t attract the undead. Then give them a sock to bite on. Just tell them not to clamp down too hard. In the barter economy, goods will be scarce, and saving a life won’t be worth ruining a perfectly wearable pair of socks.
An amputation doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Don’t look at it as losing a limb; look at it as gaining a slot for accessories. Chopping off a hand is a great chance to build a tool directly into your wrist. The classic choice is a metal hook. It’s great for stabbing things, but it’s less than ideal if you need to hold a baby. Then again, you’ll probably be off diaper duty for life.
There are plenty of other ways to trick out a new stump. The goal is to permanently graft something to your body that’s equally useful for zombie murder and daily family life.
Attachment |
Pro |
Con |
|---|---|---|
Hook |
Great for terrifying teenagers at Makeout Point. |
Fatal if your nose itches. |
Closed Metal Fist |
Great for fist bumping. |
Subpar for high-fives. |
Nunchuck |
Looks good with every outfit. |
100 percent chance of hitting yourself in vital reproductive areas. |
Megaphone |
Great for yelling at kids. |
Even better at attracting zombies. |
Dagger |
Great if you need to dice a salad. |
Awkward if you need to shake hands. |
Handgun |
No one will ask you to babysit. |
High likelihood of an accident when playing “pull my finger.” |
Flamethrower |
Roasted marshmallows anytime you want. |
Having fuel tanks strapped to your back is bad for your posture and love life. |
Snack Cup |
Snacks. |
Corn chip supply not guaranteed. |
Attachment |
Pro |
Con |
|---|---|---|
No Replacement, Just Crutches |
You can sword-fight whenever you want. |
Everyone will feel bad and talk about how brave you are. |
Standard Prosthetic Leg |
Toes can’t be stubbed. |
One of your kids will inevitably steal it and make you kick your own butt. |
Peg Leg |
You’ll look like a pirate. |
Vulnerable to beavers. Like you need another predator to worry about. |
Pogo Stick |
You’ll finally be able to dunk. |
Haven’t existed outside cartoons since 1952. |
Giant Exercise Ball |
You’ll have a strong core. |
To fit it, you’ll have to cut off both legs and attach it directly to your torso. |
Novelty Lamp That Looks Like a Woman’s Leg |
It will be mildly funny the first time you use it. |
It will immediately shatter, causing massive lacerations. Probably still worth it. |
Machine Gun |
They did it in a movie, so it must be possible. |
Accidental firings are hard on wood floors. |
Wheels |
Great for going down hills. |
You’ll look like a Segway, eliminating any chance of ever getting laid again. |
Honestly, losing a limb might be the best thing that could happen to you. Use your new attachments to achieve your full potential as a parent/ zombie-killing warrior. That’s the coolest you’ll ever be. And when your new replacement limb is detached, you might finally hit your goal weight. Amputation isn’t just about surviving. It’s about being fashion forward. Enjoy the new you.
