Chapter Twelve
Cougar Unleashed

THE TABLOIDS WERE RUNNING WILD WITH THE Hogan divorce. It made headlines. I was really upset about how they spun the story because it wasn’t how it went down. But there was no way to change it. The kids were actually happy we were getting a divorce. They knew how miserable Terry and I both were on a daily basis.

In the months that followed after Valentine’s Day, I was back in Clearwater with Nick, meeting with lawyers and discussing how we were going to move forward with the divorce. There was a lot to deal with emotionally: finding out about Terry’s escapades with Christiane, knowing about Jennifer, still dealing with the accident and all the lawyers Terry had for that, and worrying about John. However, my main focus was Nick. I wanted to give him the quality of life I’d always given him, continuing to be a parent who actually watched over him. Nicky was so scared, sad, and insecure about his and John’s fate.

I still had to deal with phone calls from Terry that were somewhat civil at best, with us mainly talking about the lawyers and Nick’s future. Terry was careful to keep the calls short, not leaving any room for small talk about our personal lives or his past or me questioning him in any way. He seemed so matter-of-fact whenever we spoke. I never heard any emotion in his voice. He never apologized for the accident or for our twenty-three-year marriage crumbling. I guess I expected to hear a bit of remorse somewhere. Narcissist!

I began speaking up and telling Terry exactly what was on my mind on the phone and over e-mail. At this point, what did I have to lose? He was on the hook for the accident. He was guilty in the divorce for cheating. I wasn’t afraid anymore, so I said how I felt. And it made me feel great. During our marriage, I was afraid of saying what was on my mind because I didn’t want to have a fight. It was easier to sweep it under the rug. Now, he deserved a boatload of my opinion. I was ready to dish, but the lawyers eventually stopped me from doing that.

I was informed that Terry would only speak to me through our lawyers. Wow, what a coward, I thought. He didn’t just wear yellow . . . he is yellow. I hated him for ruining our lives. He was like a hurricane that blows through leaving a path of destruction and never once looking back! As much as I wanted and tried to keep up a game face for Nick, I eventually crumbled. I think at that point I threw in the towel. I needed to take a sleeping pill and sleep! I let the animals be cared for by Jorge (one of the faithful helpers I had); I didn’t fix my hair or color it; I didn’t eat much. I cried a lot. Sometimes so much that I couldn’t even fake going out without sunglasses on—my lips and cheeks were so swollen. I didn’t set foot in the gym. In fact, I hated the gym, because it was full of Terry’s gym equipment.

One day to try and help get myself out of the horrible depression/anger phase I was in, I decided to clear his shit out of the Willadel house and put it in the garage. Terry had taken most of his important belongings to the beach house where he was staying. If he didn’t want to live at Willadel, fine. I went downstairs and proceeded to open every cabinet, ripping his crap from them. Brooke came in and caught me in the rage! How do I explain this to Brooke? Clearing the stuff out of the house, and my life, was cleansing. His clothes were out! I called for my housekeeper to bring me black Hefty bags, and I told her to start shoving his crap into them. I also found some of his personal things that he wouldn’t be too proud of.

After I purged his closet and the house, I felt much better. One of the healing processes was to make a list of how I was feeling in my “old life” and what I wanted my “new life” to be, the life I had wanted for such a long time. How could I achieve this? I wondered. The first step was to write it down and visualize it. So that’s exactly what I did.

OLD LIFE

• Entrapped

• Lonely

• Sad

• Scared

• Victimized

• Tired

• No self-respect

• Fat

• Feet hurt

• Headaches

• Anxiety

• Shaky

• Unloved

• No gifts

• No special times

• No vacation

• Heart palpitations

• Not cherished

• Used sexually

• No communication

• No trust

• Fear for life

• No future

• No joy

• No peace

• Miserable marriage

• My needs not important

NEW LIFE

• Move to California

• Pretty house

• See family

• Pets

• New town

• Job in TV

• New gym

• Lose weight

• Hair extensions

• My own money

• My own space

• My own schedule

• New dates or boyfriends

• Horseback riding

• Travel to Europe

• Vocal and dance classes

• Shopping

• Laughter

• Freedom to make friends

• Take care of myself

• Self-confidence

• Feel younger

• Dress pretty

• Garden

• Spa trips

• No guilt

• Decorating

• No more self-destruction

• No more breakdowns

I realized that I needed to quit wallowing in my own self-pity and let go of some of the anger, at least for Nick’s sake.

I just got tired of crying.

As Nick awaited his trial, I often took him to the beach. I wanted him to do the things that kids do for a change, instead of him being with his dad, who always tried to treat him like a grown man ahead of time. Nick was seventeen years old at the time of the accident. Kids don’t need to ride around in a boat full of beer hunting for chicks. Nick needed to go bowling, go-cart racing, skateboarding, riding bikes, and so on.

On May 9, 2008, Nick was to appear in court where a judge would determine his fate. I was scared for him, myself, and our family. We tried to have some fun that weekend before the pending court appearance. That Friday afternoon Nick, his friend Danny, and I hit the beach. On our way back home, I saw a group of guys hanging out by our beach house. In our area of Florida, the guys weren’t too attractive, usually a bunch of families with kids or senior citizens. One of the guys in the group was a pleasant surprise! He was tall and tan and had an amazing build. Whoa! I asked Nick to check him out and see if he was as cute up close. Nick was fine with me asking him to do that. He knew that his dad had cheated on me. He knew I was alone all of those months and how sad and lonely I had been. He knew it was time to step out of the shadow of the old life and move forward. After the guys talked for a few minutes, they waved me over. The guy’s name was Charley Hill, and he was gorgeous for sure—beautiful white teeth, eyes as green as the Gulf of Mexico, and cute feet!

I told Nick to bring the guys down to the beach house. I didn’t really think about it as a date. When they showed up, we sat in the backyard on the beach. Charley had blond hair covering his chest, arms, legs (and head). Terry used to shave his whole body because, truthfully, he’s really hairy. And it’s dark hair. So seeing a man with sexy blond hair all over his bod was a turn-on. I like a man to be hairy. And shaggy blond hair on his gorgeous head! Wow, I just wanted to run my hands through it! He had a beautiful smile—something about his little overbite, and big white straight teeth, and the way his top lip looked when he smiled—that was sexy! His friends were tan and beachy, too. There were a couple of younger guys and one older guy with him.

Charley said he was twenty-three. Sure, he was young, but I wasn’t looking for a long-term thing at that moment. It had been almost a year since I had even slept with Terry. I am not dead yet, I thought. Terry’s not crying in his soup! I felt it might be good for me to move on. When I saw another man and realized that if I wanted to, I could go for it . . . it was liberating. I was single and could date again. And I’m sure Charley was feeling what I was feeling. There was definite chemistry there. I mentioned how tan he was, looking at his tan feet and his cute toes! (With me, guys have to have a cute face and cute feet. Whatever, that’s my thing.)

I asked what he did and he told me that he was home from college and was working at a nearby Jet Ski rental concession for the summer. He said that he went to college on the east coast near Daytona Beach. He was a springboard diver on the team preparing to go to the Olympics. I learned he placed fourth in the nationals and was on a scholarship for his diving. I was dumbfounded! He was definitely no beach bum. In fact, he was also attending the firefighters’ academy. (Well, he certainly lit my fire!)

Charley laughed easily—a free spirit—and he had cute smile lines around his clear green eyes. He’s an old soul, and I’m young at heart. It was weird flirting with another man at first. It didn’t feel wrong, though . . . not now, and I needed to follow my heart (which was pounding in my chest). It was like a guilty pleasure, because I was not completely divorced; in my heart, I felt because I had two kids, it would probably be better to have my divorce final before I started dating. Then again, I started looking around and reading the tabloids and seeing all these other people who had left their husbands or wives, dated other people, and had babies before they were even divorced. Terry was already on to his second girlfriend (at least she was the second that I knew of). What am I, chopped liver? I thought. Why can’t I have someone in my life who makes me happy or I could laugh with?

So Charley and I ended up chitchatting on the phone. I felt like I was in high school with a crush. Even though I was excited that I’d met someone so nice, I needed to focus on Nick’s court hearing.

My mother decided to fly in that weekend for moral support. On top of it, it was Mother’s Day weekend! All I wanted was to hold Brooke and Nick tightly in my arms and never let go of them. I knew Brooke was a big girl, filming her own show in Miami, but I wasn’t used to not having her around. She was my little girlfriend. And Nick was my baby. However, the family dynamics had already been changing when we were living in Miami. Both kids were living their own lives. Their bedrooms were on the other side of the house, and I was already used to them not being right there under my feet. I wasn’t physically seeing them around all of the time, and it was really difficult.

Nick was scared, upset, and sad. He feared for John’s life. They were best friends and it was an accident. The reality show depicted Nick as a wild child. That really wasn’t the case. He was a soft, mild-mannered, intelligent, and caring individual. Nick was not a reckless person. I think he was judged improperly due to the character he played on the show. The thought of him facing John’s family, the judge, the press, and the flurry of allegations against him was overwhelming.

We entered the courtroom to a barrage of cameras. Terry would not speak to me, because his attorneys advised him not to. I am sure he was fine with that. He didn’t have to explain himself to me about the accident or his actions, cheating on me, any of it. I couldn’t get an answer out of him for anything. How convenient for him!

The verdict was one that we didn’t want to hear, and after months of Terry’s and Nick’s lawyers telling me that Nick wouldn’t do time, he was sentenced to six to nine months of jail—solitary confinement. They handcuffed him, fingerprinted him, and took his coat; and two deputies walked my baby out of the courtroom—right then and there before the whole courtroom, tons of cameras, and, of course, John’s family and his mother, Debbie. Brooke was white as a ghost. My mother sobbed hysterically. And Terry sat there with a stone face, watching them take his son into custody. I looked at Nick, trying to be strong for him. I blew him a kiss and looked him in the eyes lovingly, knowing that it would have been easier if they would have just shot me. His eyes were on his mom. As he disappeared around the corner, I looked over at Terry. He couldn’t look any of us in the eye! He stared down, as his lawyers surrounded him in a protective manner and walked him out, as if he was “too” bothered by it. My God! All I wanted to do was share a glance with him, to realize the despair we were feeling as parents, but nothing. No communication, no hugs, no emotion . . . nothing. As we walked out of the court building to the parking lot, the mob of press surrounded Terry and his team of lawyers. Was he sorry? Was he sad? Who knows? In a time like that, families usually come together no matter what! I felt like his guilty conscience got the best of him though. Was this karma for all of his misbehaving? His self-serving ways? I felt and still feel none of this would have happened if he was “aware” and “present” as a parent and husband instead of worrying about when his next piece of ass would be.

Terry’s limo pulled around and he went home to Jennifer. Brooke got in her car and left for Miami. My mom and I left and headed for the airport. It was the worst day I’ve ever had.

I hugged my mom good-bye, trying to act strong so she didn’t worry about me, although she knew, as a mother and a woman, the agony and loneliness I was experiencing.

After I dropped her off, I began to sob as I tried to drive home. The closer I got to home, the worse it got. I couldn’t contain it anymore. I walked in the back door, crying and alone. All of my dogs were around me, and I think they sensed something was wrong, too. Usually, their cute little faces could take me out of any bad mood. But nothing could save me from the pain that I was feeling at that moment. The house was dark and no one was there. I walked through the once-happy kitchen where Nick, John, Brooke, and all the kids congregated. I looked across to the living room, seeing the sofa that Terry sat on. The pictures of the family, Terry’s office, Nick’s bedroom, Brooke’s bedroom—quiet, dark, still. There was no one at home, and no one would be coming home. I looked at my pack of dogs following me, minus one—Foxy. I never even made it up to my room. It was just too much. I crouched to the floor, sobbing inconsolably. I sounded like an animal in pain, wailing a type of crying I had never experienced before. How could God be so cruel? I wondered. He can give and take, I guess, but all at once? Everything was so out of control, so bad, I really didn’t think as a mother I could survive another day of the pain.

I didn’t even know how I was going to take my next breath.

My husband, my kids, my dog, John, the legal battles—it was just too much to bear.

In a moment of insanity I ran out the back door crying. I couldn’t even see through the makeup in my eyes. I got into my Mercedes and just drove. I had no idea where I was going. I just headed south and while driving over a bridge I was thinking of just driving off it! I didn’t want to kill myself and die. I thought about my kids. And my family who I knew loved me. I knew I had a purpose in life. But, at that moment, I didn’t know how to live, either. I didn’t know how to go on. I didn’t know if my car would go off the bridge at that point or I’d drive in front of an oncoming truck.

My phone rang as I approached the bridge. I looked at the caller ID through my tears and it read: Charley. It was a total surprise. We hadn’t spoken since we first met. I was very concerned about what Nick was going through. I had already made up my mind that Charley was kind of young and, while it was a real turn-on, with all of this pressure going on it was hard to think about my love life. I decided to put it on the back burner. It was fun for that day, but I wasn’t even sure if I should see him again.

I decided to answer. Charley asked me why I was crying. He told me not to drive and to pull over and catch my breath. Charley saved me from my insanity at that moment.

I went back home and slept. The next day he called me at one P.M. in the afternoon, and I agreed to meet him at the beach. I felt I needed to be around somebody and have some positive energy in my life. It was great to have a reason to leave and somebody to meet up with.

Charley was a lot of fun and a great listener. For being so young, I was surprised that he was such a heartfelt and emotional guy. We ended up hanging out at the beach that day, and I saw him every day after that. I would ride my bike while he rode his skateboard. He was just the type of carefree fun I needed.

I wasn’t really worried about how Nick felt about my relationship with Charley because he was with me the day I met him. Charley was sweet and charming and Nick and I liked him. Quite frankly, Nick was concerned about my welfare and happiness, and being with Charley made me happy. Who’s to say what’s right or wrong in this day and age anyway. Nick was very mature and optimistic about my future. When I went to visit Nick in jail, he asked me if I had hung out with Charley again. I told him that I did and that although he was young, we got along great. On the other hand, I think that Brooke was a little shocked and surprised to find out. She wasn’t living with me at the time and hadn’t really seen what I had been going through. I think with mother/daughter relationships it’s hard for a daughter to see her mom sleeping with anybody besides her dad. I’m sure Brooke wanted to see me happy, but I think that maybe she thought that I was just with Charley as revenge. I wasn’t.

I latched on to Charley and he basically never went home. I didn’t want to be alone, and I loved being with him. We talked and cuddled. And, yes, we slept together! When we did, it was an emotional awakening. It was the first time I had slept with someone besides my husband in twenty-four years and I was scared, but he was amazing in so many ways.

I felt guilty for being with someone different, but I had no idea why. Was I crazy? My husband was already living with another woman! In fact, when I filed for divorce in November 2007, I hadn’t slept with Terry since July of that year. That was his choice. So it had been ten months since I had had sex, and it was about time I got with somebody; Charley was the man!

I was nervous when we made love for the first time. He had a young, cute, tight buff body and long gorgeous legs! He was kind and loving. It was really exciting to be with someone new and fun and somebody who actually had sex back with me!

CHARLEY AND I STAYED IN FLORIDA, AND ON MAY 31, 2008, OUR relationship became public.

It happened in Las Vegas at the Palms Place Hotel and Spa, where Terry and I had a condominium that we had bought as an investment. The owner, George Maloof, had invited the celebrities who purchased penthouses in the building for a red carpet event that May. Last minute, Terry wanted nothing to do with it and was willing to let it go. Everything was still in litigation, and we didn’t know what the fate of the condo was going to be. George’s publicity people asked me to come. I said sure.

I didn’t want to go alone and I decided to take Charley. I stayed close with one of Nick’s friends, Ray, who used to be his hockey coach, and his wife, Lisette. I asked them to come along as well. When we arrived in Las Vegas, they showed us to the condo that we had purchased. The party was on! The condo was beautiful, big, and on the fifty-fourth floor!

It was the first real fun I had in so long. I was around true friends. We had the red carpet event to attend, and Charley looked gorgeous. We bought his outfit at the last minute in Vegas. It was all really exciting. I wore a Roberto Cavalli dress and when Charley and I stepped onto the carpet, he proceeded to step on the train of my dress, ripping it. Uh-oh! I was having so much fun that it didn’t matter. He was such a good-spirited guy. We went behind the curtain and actually stapled the big wad of fabric back on to my dress. And the show went on!

I grabbed Charley, they opened the curtain to the red carpet, and away we went! Reporters and photographers were yelling, “Linda, Linda, Linda! Who’s the guy?” I was overwhelmed. They asked Charley if he was dating Linda Hogan and he responded, “We’re just chillin’.” At that time, we didn’t know what we were ourselves. We were together for sure, but to what extent we didn’t know. We hit the dance floor and had a ton of fun, mingling with other celebrities, including Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Janet Jackson, and Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer. I was loving life again!

The photos from that red carpet are still gracing the tabloids to this day. That night made news and changed history. It changed my life because it officially made me a cougar, which is a term I’d never even heard of before. It put Linda Hogan on the map with my own identity. It was really a positive step for me because being in the spotlight on my own and not being on Terry’s arm, having recognition for my own life and new positive choices, was exciting. The tabloids blew it up that I had a boy toy. At that point, Charley had to come clean and tell me the truth and that he wasn’t really twenty-three; he was almost twenty (that meant nineteen). I told him I was cool with it, as long as that was the real truth. He was legal and that was all I knew. As surprised as I was about his age, the truth was that I was already crazy about him and falling in love.

Kiss My Glass

Terry now knew that I had a boyfriend—a much younger lover—and he was very bent, pissed, and jealous. Brooke was deep into shooting her show and spent a lot of time with her father because he was on the show with her. Terry was subliminally brainwashing Brooke about how evil I was and how wonderful he was. And, of course, what a wonderful person Jennifer was. He basically took Brooke’s eye off the ball, making her think that he was this upstanding individual dating a nice “flight attendant” like Jennifer and I was dating this young kid. Terry made Brooke forget that he had been sleeping with her young girlfriend the whole year before this, and wasn’t exactly coming clean about Jennifer’s past, either.

I think Brooke didn’t know what to believe anymore. But she also knew she had to stay tight with her dad or she didn’t have a TV show. I suppose she thought it was easier to distance herself from me and work with her father. It was very hurtful. And to know that she was this innocent person who was being manipulated by Terry the whole time angered me even more. She was my flesh and blood. My best friend. I don’t know what Terry said to her at the time, but he tried to turn her away from me. She told me that she would never hurt me. It was a confusing time.

Over the next two years as my divorce was being finalized, Terry would taunt Charley and me, annoyingly accusing us of things publicly in the media. He used every dirty trick in the book, including trying to create a false history of drug and alcohol abuse for me.

My lawyers had already informed me that Terry was out to get me. They told me to mind my p’s and q’s and to be careful. I was very cautious. That’s why one night when I went out for dinner with our hairdresser (she did Terry’s hair extensions too!), I didn’t drink.

When I left the restaurant, I made a wrong turn due to some road construction as I made my way to the highway. I got pulled over and there was not one, not two, but three cop cars at the scene, they also sent a DUI enforcement car conveniently at the same time! Lights, sirens, the whole nine yards. This was obviously a shakedown.

The police took me to the parking lot of a nearby mall where they tried to break me down. They proceeded to put me through a DUI test, and I passed with flying colors. They also searched my car and purse for no reason whatsoever. I didn’t even know what my rights were. I had never gotten a DUI or been searched. I only allowed them to search my car and purse because I had nothing to hide. I remember the captain saying to the cop who was trying to break me down that they had to let me go. He was really pissed. Afterward, I called my dad and told him about what happened and he said that this was definitely not normal police protocol.

As I drove home I realized that Tracie, the hairdresser, was probably trying to set me up. Throughout the evening, she kept going to the bathroom to talk on the phone because she said she had no reception at the table. But my cell phone worked fine when I took two phone calls from Brooke. The hairdresser was probably talking to Terry on the cell phone in the bathroom. She also kept trying to get me to taste her martini and take some pills she offered me. I believe she was trying to get me intoxicated; I didn’t fall for it. Eventually, Terry even used my hairdresser against me in court. Talk about split ends!

On another occasion, after I had flown back to Los Angeles by myself, I was approached by two alleged undercover officers as I got off the plane. They asked if I was Linda Bollea and I said yes. They explained that they wanted to speak with me in private. My heart started pounding because I thought they were going to tell me that something had happened to one of my kids. I couldn’t understand why else they’d be confronting me.

The officers told me that they had reasonable cause to believe that I had narcotics on me and that they were going to search me and my bags. This was absolutely ridiculous because I didn’t use drugs. They were waiting for a female assistant and a room, which meant they were going to do a cavity search. When they said that, I felt that this was all set up by Terry. He loved to embarrass me, and this would have been his crowning glory, to have me busted at LAX airport; with TMZ and the paparazzi, it could have been a field day for the press. Oh well, sorry to disappoint! I made a call to my lawyer, Ray Rafool, and within moments, they released me, because they did not really have proof. Like that! I have to say that my divorce was getting to be a three-ring circus.

Gold Digger?

During the two years of a stormy divorce, Terry called me a gold digger, but the only ones getting rich were the lawyers! And I had one brilliant lawyer to his team of six or seven!

Terry used publicity to paint the picture from his perspective, and I never had a platform to speak. My lawyer kept telling me not to say anything back. From daily radio to tabloid headlines to threatening to pull an O.J. stunt, I wished I had had someone to help me! I knew that winning the court of public opinion would be tough against an icon, especially in his hometown where he was loved. His best friend had his own radio show there, which was broadcast nationally. Terry had his own private and exclusive national megaphone, which he could use to say anything to America (though he admitted that not everything he said on the show was true; it was “entertainment”). Huh! At my expense! Terry was also friends with all the locals, and the neighbors took his side. Terry was a national icon. Strangers rolled their eyes when they saw me, like I was the town whore, when truthfully, it was Terry! Still, no one really realized that I had left because of his cheating!

During this time, Charley and I were laying low. Every dime I spent was being monitored by Terry’s lawyers and mine. You know, he was so worried about me spending his money. Hello? We had been married for twenty-four years (well, one month short of twenty-four) when I filed for divorce, and we earned it together! No, I didn’t wrestle, but I did everything humanly possible to keep the loose ends tight—kids, house, you name it! I don’t have to tell all of you behind-the-scenes spouses! I’m sure you know there was a hell of a lot more going on behind the scenes. But he hated the thought of paying me alimony to support what he claimed to be a “flamboyant” lifestyle. Yeah, my so-called jet-set life of going to court and the beach, and taking care of my dogs.

Thank God I had Charley. This encouraged me at the time to make a list of all the things I was thankful for in my life. Thank you, Lord,

• For Nick being alive.

• For John being alive.

• For a strong relationship with my kids.

• For my sister, brother, mother, and father.

• For a strong and loving family to support us.

• For a beautiful relationship with my parents.

• For the patience to stay as long as I could.

• For my true friends: Jeanette, Paige, Beth, and Jill.

• For Brooke, her health and safety, her future that you are guiding her with your love.

• For my dogs and pets that love me back so much.

• For the guardian angels that surround my children all the time; I know they are there.

• For making me beautiful inside: kind, giving, loving, honest, and with a conscience.

• For the wisdom to know that I need to move on.

• For the strength to decide being alone is a better choice now, even feeling the fear and being strong enough to endure the change.

• For a second chance to find someone who really loves me.

• For my health now, even though I put myself last, but I will be strong now for you and my kids.

During that time, the lawyers had arranged to give me a base amount per month to live on. No problem except that I still had bills, which most months exceeded the full amount I had to operate with. I luckily had money that was in a trust in my name alone, so I delved into that savings account to survive. That was all that I had access to because Terry (and his friend Eric Bischoff) had virtually every penny under his control or the accounts were frozen by court order. I had a mere fraction of our megadollars. So needless to say, the lifestyles of the rich and famous were curtailed.

I’m a simple person at heart. That served me well because most women in my financial category would curl up and die once their funds were reduced. They don’t know how to survive the cut! Sure, at one time it used to be Neiman’s. Now I think twice before I go to Target or Walmart. There were no more fancy restaurants. All we did was ride bikes, or hang out on the beach. When we were home, we grilled burgers and played with the dogs.

Clearwater is quite different from L.A., and everyone there is very simple. I grew up that way and raised my kids that way, so I was used to it. I had a lot of great new friends that I had met through Charley who were his age, my age, and in between. Just nice people. We had a karaoke machine in my kitchen along with a disco strobe light. The weekends would be a 1980 revival! Jill and Paige and Beth—backup singers!

Charley was a big help then, too. He helped me “trim the fat” so to speak (in more ways than one!). Yes, I lost weight, probably from having to be naked in front of a new guy, but that’s not what I mean. He helped me by realizing it was okay to enjoy the simple things in life. He liked getting outside and just existing. He made me realize that I don’t need to dress up, go somewhere, or spend money to have a nice life. We went to all the little beach hangouts and friends’ homes, and we walked the dogs and gardened. I loved it. It was actually an easy transition. Realizing that you can have a completely functional life on a budget is okay. It’s good. It makes you reevaluate things, people, places, and yourself! You are forced to see the world in a pure way. It makes you more creative.

The sad part about my relationship with Terry was that not only had he been living a secret life away from me, but he physically couldn’t do anything with me except go out to eat. Because of all his injuries that led to surgeries (hip and knee replacements, a bad lower back with compressed discs, fifth vertebrae with bone spurs), the poor guy was always in pain. He broke his ankle years ago, too. I was tolerant about all of his physical disabilities and helped him deal with them for years. I felt bad about all he had to deal with from the life of wrestling. It was hard work, so I excused him for a lot because I felt sorry for him. But with his wasting money and infidelities over the last few years leading up to our split, I just wasn’t as sympathetic anymore. And I decided it was time to stop with the excuses!

I was always physically active—running every day, keeping up with my kids, skating, biking, swimming, skiing, weight training. I also loved to dance. But I was doing it alone. I couldn’t do those types of activities with my husband or plan any kind of vacations where we went hiking or skiing. We couldn’t ride Harleys together anymore. (Yes, I ride my own bike. Years ago, Terry bought me a Harley, and I learned how to ride in front of our house.) As time went on, he couldn’t do very much with me anymore. So I just stopped planning activities together because I felt bad doing them without him.

With Charley, I can be active again. Every year since the divorce, I take a trip to the mountains with him. I feel like I have a new lease on life. I used to panic if I had a bad e-mail or a situation like the car breaking down. I don’t let it ruin my day anymore. Things do have a way of working out for the best. Trust that! When you are fifty-one years old, you have to look at life more calmly. I’m a mother, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I’m a catalyst for so many people, and I have to be a good example and a role model: realizing this has really helped me.

The last deposition in our divorce (not in my post-divorce cases to force Terry to abide by the marital settlement agreement he made) was a deposition of Charley. What did Terry hope to learn? I wondered. He didn’t learn anything. But it was his way of applying pressure, putting fear in me that Charley might spill his guts. What he and his lawyers didn’t realize was that there was nothing to spill! Nothing that they could ask Charley that would scare him. The only thing threatening that day was Terry’s presence—six feet seven inches, three hundred pounds, with black sleazy shades on the whole time inside the office. The depo began: Spell your name. Where do you live? How old are you? Where do you work? Obviously, Charley was nervous sitting across the table from Terry, his three lawyers, the court reporter, me, my lawyer, etc. Charley tried to act composed, but he was stuttering slightly, shaking a bit, spelling out his full name. Don’t forget, I’m sure that all Terry was thinking was that this young cabana boy was sleeping with his wife! But as the questions continued, Terry asked to take a break.

He walked out into the lobby. Charley left to go to the bathroom. My lawyer and I went outside as well.

As my lawyer and I walked back inside the building, to our surprise and shock Terry and Charley were standing together in the doorway area, talking civilly! This was not status quo for any deposition. Then Terry called me over. He told me that he was over all the bullshit and that he didn’t want Charley to fear him and his presence. He wanted to stop the deposition and come to a mediation. What? I thought. Why the sudden change? I’ll never know. Maybe it was because Terry realized that Charley had been dragged into this. Or maybe Terry had ulterior motives to end the divorce drama, because he finally had a deal, a business deal that would require his time and that it would behoove him to just move on. I don’t know, but two days later we met again. This time it was just me, Terry, my lawyer, and three or four of his attorneys.

For the first time in a long time we talked amicably. We began to negotiate. Back and forth we went, until we shook hands on it all. I hugged Terry, thanked him, and told him I still loved him! His change of heart made everyone there so happy. You felt a lightness in the room. While everyone was shocked, they were also so relieved about the change of attitude. Truth is, no one likes to see people fighting and at each other’s throats. And it was like old home week! Outside the room, I hugged his lawyer, he hugged me, Charley and Terry patted each other hug style on the back. Crazy! Just insane! And, like that, it was over.

Life in the Jungle

Building a marriage and a life with someone is like building a house of cards. It has to be treated very delicately. Every time you build up a wall you intend for it to be strong. But sometimes the weight becomes too much on one of the sides. Then it all comes crumbling down. That’s what happened to me.

I was spent mentally, physically, and spiritually. And when these three parts of your life, which are supposed to work in unison, are failing, it’s time to make changes.

We all have awakening moments during our lives. For me, it was right before I decided to divorce Terry. One day I realized that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt my heart this much. At first, I was angry. Then I felt powerless. Next all the animosity, anger, rage, resentment, and fury that I had been building up came out of me at once! I knew I needed to save myself, but I just didn’t know how. There’s an old saying, you can’t eat the elephant in one bite. I learned that the only way you can truly find the peace you are looking for is in baby steps. I understand it now.

After reading this book, if you realize that you’re faced with a situation like mine, don’t feel that life is over. This is a fresh start for you. You should be excited! Build a new life for yourself. Take it from someone who has been in your position. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to know, there is an end to the insanity. And the time it takes to get there goes by faster than you think it will. Get out of that jungle like the lioness (or cougar) that you are!

Here are a few little pointers I felt helped me and hopefully can help you, too! I’m not a psychologist. I’m only speaking from my heart and using the knowledge I’ve gained through my experience as a wife, a mother, and a survivor of divorce.

Make a list: Make a list of everything that is negative and keeping you from the life you want. Then, make a wish list of everything you dream of. Start crossing stuff off those lists. Before long, you’ll be where you want to be!

Take care of yourself: It doesn’t mean that you have to go to a fabulous salon. It could mean getting a little bit more sleep, taking a walk, or taking a few vitamins. You don’t feel so insane when you’ve given yourself time out of the busy schedule.

Start living: Be more adventurous! Say yes more often. Sometimes, it’s just easier or more convenient to say no, but you know what they say, “Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.” So go for it!

Your inner circle: You need a support system of close friends around you at this time. Being alone is dangerous. There are friends and family near you or a phone call away who really do care about you. You can lean on them, but don’t abuse their support. Allow them to make you feel better and laugh a little.

Action causes reaction: When you smile at a random person, they usually smile back. It changes the course of your day. Go for that dinner with that friend. Do take that dreaded phone call—grab the bull by the horns and handle that situation. Good or bad, things will change! If you are monopolized by fear, nothing will change.

Forget crying: Crying in your soup, feeling sorry for yourself, is natural and you deserve to feel sad. But after a while ask yourself: Is he really worth me crying this hard? Swollen eyelids and cheeks weren’t my best look. Kick it in the head and get over it!

Don’t use your kids: Don’t use them as shrinks, pawns, or excuses. Keep them busy—let them go to Grandma’s or a friend’s house. It’s better for them not to be dragged into the divorce and not to see Mommy or Daddy as a mess.

Stay classy: Don’t act on emotion and impulse. Even though you want to prank call him, egg his house, put a tuna sandwich under the hood of his car. Oh, I can think of lots of things that I wanted to do. Three words: not worth it!

Redecorate: I found it so healing to go around the house removing his “stuff.” Make the space yours, even if it means less is more. Flowers, a few inexpensive items from Walmart—throw pillows, a new bedspread is a must! Remove draperies. Open it up then have a party!

Silence is golden: It’s so hard to stay quiet, but by gabbing to your neighbor, the gardener, or others about the details of your new private life, they’re sure to reach the ears of your husband’s camp. The less said, the better.

Payback: Even if you think that sleeping with his boss or best friend would really fluff his feathers, you’ll regret it. Having him seeing you happy is enough payback!

Pity party: Don’t go on and on about your divorce at a party. Leave people wondering how you manage to stay so positive and look so happy. Fake it till you make it!

Young and restless: I pulled my bike out and started riding it again. I played outside with my dogs. I walked on the beach. I stayed up and sang karaoke in my kitchen with a disco ball glowing, all alone till midnight! I tried on my short dresses with heels and modeled for myself in my bathroom mirror (looking at the bright side, not the backside). I felt empowered, young, beautiful, and sexy!

Live in the now: Be aware of your surroundings, of your health, of your youth of today. Enjoy it. Tomorrow will have its own complexities, so be present in each moment. When your kids are talking, listen and be there. My ex had tattoos put on each wrist. One says “Aware” and the other “Present.” He’s probably wishing he’d done more of that during his marriage. I guess we all need reminders of how important it really is.

Seeking closure: Hopefully, you’ll find a few tips in my book to help you with this. You can’t ever expect full “closure.” With kids, families, legal tugs-of-war that never seem to end, you may never get it. Just realize that your new life is all the closure you need!