Megan put down her mineral water and took a deep breath. It caught halfway on a sob that had her friends leaning towards her with worried eyes. She held up a hand, gave them a reassuring smile and waited until they sat back before speaking. ‘It was different the last time we were here; it was buzzing with local people and those young and very handsome students. I remember, when we walked in, every man turned and looked the two of you over with appreciation. You both preened… it was quite amusing really.’ Her smile was dreamy, lost in the past, although her voice said she’d been anything but amused.
Joanne gave an uneasy laugh. ‘Preened? Really?’
Megan reached over and patted her arm. ‘It wasn’t deliberate, just the automatic reaction of someone who knows how good they look.’ She gave a slight shrug, picked up her glass with a trembling hand and took a sip of water before continuing. ‘I tried not to let it bother me, you know, but I was a big ugly lump, there was no denying it.’
An uncomfortable few seconds passed before she continued. ‘It didn’t bother me in school, I always felt I made up for it by being more intelligent and smarter than everyone else.’ She shrugged, a weary defeated rise and fall of her shoulders. ‘It wasn’t until I met you two that I realised what an absolute horror I was.’ She looked from one to the other. ‘Remember the day we met?’
‘You dropped your tray in the restaurant,’ Beth said with a smile of reminiscence. ‘Food and drink went flying everywhere and caused a huge commotion.’
‘I managed to get half a dozen people upset and I was so mortified I couldn’t pick everything up fast enough. Then you two got up from a nearby table and helped me.’
Joanne smiled. ‘You looked so woebegone, and people were being so mean, how could we not?’
Megan, returned the smile briefly and played with her glass before continuing. ‘Meeting people like you wasn’t something I’d expected. It wasn’t something I’d wanted, but you know what you’re both like.’ Her smile was genuine, warm. ‘Irresistible forces, both of you; before I was even aware of what was happening, I’d been swept along on a wave that just kept rolling.’ Her smile faded and a sad expression flitted across her face. ‘But being friends with you was a double-edged sword.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Joanne said. ‘I thought you liked hanging around with us.’
Megan gave a frustrated shake of her head. ‘I’m not explaining myself very well.’
To her surprise, Beth reached over and put a hand on her arm. ‘Actually, I think I understand. You liked being with us but maybe we made you feel a little…’ She hesitated. ‘I can’t think of any word other than inadequate.’
‘Inadequate?’ Megan looked at her. ‘That’s a nice word for it but it’s not quite right.’ She wasn’t sure if she could explain how she’d felt. ‘When it was just the three of us, it was fine. We’d laugh and joke and, although I was aware how gorgeous you both were, I never felt in any way different when I was with you, neither of you ever made me feel bad about myself. But when we went out it was another matter. I could see the sideways glances people gave as they wondered why two good-looking popular students wanted to be friends with someone so short, fat and ugly.’
‘I’m sure they didn’t think that,’ Joanne hurried to say. ‘You were always so hard on yourself. We never considered you ugly.’
‘Short, fat and ugly,’ Megan insisted. ‘You were more honest back then, Jo. Remember you told me I should get my teeth straightened and have laser surgery on my eyes?’
Joanne’s cheeks reddened. ‘I don’t remember saying anything like that. I’m sorry, if I did, it was unforgiveable of me.’
Megan gave a short laugh. ‘You really don’t remember?’ When Joanne shook her head, Megan shrugged. ‘Well, you did, and you were right.’ She took another sip. ‘I got both done after we parted that summer. I persuaded my parents to pay for it as a graduation present.’
Beth chimed in. ‘Yes, and although we spoke on the phone, we didn’t meet up for several months afterwards and by then you’d lost loads of weight too. I remember barely recognising you when you walked into the restaurant.’
‘Your reaction was perfect,’ Megan said with a laugh. ‘I swear your jaw dropped open.’ She looked from one to the other. ‘I’ll never be a good-looking woman, but I’m happy in my skin now. That’s what was important to me, not the weight loss, as such, but being happy with my shape, with the face that looks at me in the mirror. Back then…’ She sighed. ‘When you invited me to come away for the night to celebrate our graduation, I was going to refuse at first, like I always had. Remember those weekends you two went away together? You’d tell me stories of everything you’d got up to: the men, the drinking, the fun you had while I was slogging over my books.’
Their eyes were fixed on her so intently, listening to every word she said, more importantly, caring about what she said. She’d made the mistake of taking their friendship for granted and now, when she was in danger of losing it, she realised how very precious it was. Now it was too late, it was time to move on with her story.
‘Girly nights away really weren’t something I was keen on anyway. I’d absolutely no interest in men and hadn’t, at that stage, really thought much about being attracted to women. But I’d become so fond of you as friends, and I knew I was going to miss you both desperately, so when you asked, this time I thought, why not.’ She ran a hand over her hair, playing for time as she tried to get her story out in a way they’d understand. ‘It was fun at first,’ she continued, ‘fun while we were in the bungalow, the three of us, chatting like we always did, just being friends. But then we came here.’ She looked around the room, her eyes losing focus as they drifted back to that night.
‘We’d had a lot of wine before we left the bungalow, from what I can remember,’ Joanne said. ‘I know I was fairly drunk.’
‘We all were,’ Megan agreed. ‘I wasn’t used to drinking, but when we came in here I sobered up pretty quickly. That gang of students was around us like bees to a honeypot or, should I say, they were around you two. I was edged to the side of the group until, before I knew what was happening, I was staring at their tall broad backs. It was almost as if they’d deliberately closed ranks to keep me out.’
Beth shuffled in her chair. ‘We were only out for a bit of fun, Megan.’
‘Neither of you even noticed I wasn’t with you,’ Megan said quietly, as if Beth hadn’t spoken. ‘I was going to leave and go back to the bungalow but I felt so… hurt and disappointed, I suppose.’ She sipped her water and then nodded towards a corner of the bar. ‘I drifted down there, trying not to look as miserable as I felt. Obviously, I wasn’t doing a very good job of it because a second later there was a man beside me, asking if I was okay.’ Closing her eyes for a moment, she swallowed. ‘He wasn’t bad-looking, pleasant to chat to but not very bright, and he’d absolutely no sense of humour. I watched you both laughing and flirting and I remember feeling suddenly so terribly angry.’
‘With us?’ Beth said, thinking back to that night.
‘With you, with me.’ Megan lifted her hand in a vague gesture of hopelessness. ‘Mostly with myself. For having come along in the first place, and for feeling so damn envious of you both. I watched you flirt and chat with those students, watched as they all but drooled over you both, and I wondered what it must be like to be so admired and swooned over, to be the centre of attention.’
‘Is that why you agreed to go with him?’ Joanne leaned forward and rested her hand on Megan’s arm.
She put her hand on top of it and kept it there as she continued her story. ‘When he said he was leaving, I asked him if he could drop me off on the way but he didn’t have a car with him. He asked me where we were staying and, when I told him, he said he passed by it, if I wanted to walk with him.’ She took her hand back and held it to her trembling mouth for a moment before nodding to their almost-empty glasses. ‘Finish your drinks, we have one more place to go.’ Their startled looks would have amused her had the circumstances been different. But they weren’t. Coming back here, it was worse than Megan expected but, she had to hold it together for a little while longer.
They finished their drinks in silence. Megan was first to stand, pulling on the jacket she’d hung on the back of the chair. With a final look around, she walked towards the exit, hearing her friends behind her, muttering to each other in worried tones. Pushing the door open, Megan stepped out into the night and held it open for them. ‘It’ll all be clear soon. We’re going to walk for a little way, okay?’
‘This is getting seriously weird,’ Beth said, shoving her hands into her coat pockets.
‘It’s not far,’ Megan said. She led the way, keeping to the side of the road. In a few hundred yards, the light from the pub’s brightly lit car park faded and, with the moon obscured by heavy cloud, they walked in almost darkness for a few minutes until a dip in the road ahead allowed them to see the lights of Capel-le-Ferne. The bungalow they’d stayed in that night was the third in the first row of homes they would come to.
‘We’re going to the bungalow,’ Joanne said, catching up with Megan and linking her arm through hers while Beth continued to walk behind.
‘Yes,’ Megan said, the warmth of the body beside her giving her some comfort. It would all be over soon; they’d know the worst about her, and they’d understand. And forgive? She wasn’t sure.
They reached the bungalow a minute later. The gate was shut; one car parked in the driveway indicating someone lived there but the windows were dark and there was no sign of life. Megan stopped. Pulling away from Joanne, she moved to the gate and leaned on it to stare at the unremarkable bungalow, hearing the restless shuffling footsteps of her two friends behind, one of them, Beth she guessed, sighing loudly.
Megan turned. ‘I haven’t gone crazy, honestly. It seemed easier, to bring you back here to tell you something I should have told you both a long time ago, something I need to tell you now.’ She saw their puzzled expressions and hoped they wouldn’t turn to disgust. She wished she could change her mind, even now, to forget about it. But she remembered Trudy’s look of disappointment. She was right, it had to end.