Prison! For the first time, the reality of her future hit Beth and a sudden wave of nausea sent her bolting from the room. In the hallway, disorientated, she hesitated before hurrying into the kitchen where she retched into the sink, turning on the tap to wash away the small amount of food and the large amount of brandy she’d consumed. She stayed with her head hanging over the sink for a few minutes as her stomach continued to spasm. The murmur of voices from the other room told her that at least Joanne and Megan were talking. Probably about her. Let them, Beth thought. They didn’t know the half of it.
When the spasms eased, she turned and leaned back against the sink. She’d never cope with prison, but from what Megan said it looked as if that’s what the future had in store for her. That officer from the Professional Standards department, she frowned as she tried to remember her name – Ling, DI Ling – she looked the type to lift up every stone and poke around in what lay underneath. There was no chance Beth’s fellow officers would cover for her; they’d all be running scared and trying to remember if they’d said the wrong thing to the wrong person or hoping that the bright revealing light wouldn’t shine on them.
‘Are you okay?’ Megan stood in the doorway. ‘I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have told you.’
Beth rubbed her neck. ‘My Fed rep said much the same thing.’ She didn’t add that she hadn’t really believed him. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘What are you going to do?’
Stupid, stupid question. ‘I don’t know. Leave it in the hands of fate, I suppose.’
Crossing to her, Megan put a hand on her arm and then, almost without thinking, they were holding each other. ‘What a mess,’ Beth said softly, her chin resting on her friend’s head. ‘What an utter mess.’
‘It’s all my fault. That one stupid foolish lie.’ Megan pulled back to stare at Beth with tear-filled eyes.
She wanted to scream, yes, all your damn fault. But she couldn’t. It wasn’t true. Not really. Okay, Megan had started a chain of events with that awful deception but Beth and Joanne had chosen the paths they’d followed. ‘We’d better go back inside.’
Arm in arm, they returned to the lounge where Joanne had obviously been thinking about what had been said. Her expression was grave, her voice weary, yet her words were sharp. ‘I can’t believe you were so stupid, Beth. How on earth did you think you’d get away with breaking the law?’
Beth sat and glared at her. Her life was a disaster, and now she was going to be lectured to by a prostitute? She guessed Joanne had read her mind when scarlet slashes appeared across her very pale cheeks.
‘What I do isn’t illegal,’ Joanne said angrily.
‘No,’ Beth sneered back, ‘you don’t pick up kerb-crawlers, do you? You fuck strangers in posh hotels instead.’
The tension in the room was electric, both women glaring at each other, flint in their eyes, their mouths twisted into a snarl. Megan, hovering nearby with a look of desolation, held a hand out towards each friend. ‘Please, let’s not do this.’
Beth shut her eyes and let her breath out in a loud sigh. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her mouth twisted in regret. ‘My life appears to have turned upside down.’
Megan reached for her hand and grabbed it. ‘Tell her.’
Beth opened her eyes and looked at her blankly. ‘Tell her what?’ She saw the sympathy in Megan’s eyes and realised what she meant. Graham. For a few hours, she’d forgotten about him. Of course, Joanne didn’t know about him or, in fact, about Trudy. Beth gave Megan’s hand a squeeze. ‘Okay. I will, if you will.’
‘What are you two on about this time?’ Joanne said. ‘Pardon me if I’m finding some of this hard to understand, I’ve had a bit of a difficult day.’
Beth looked at Joanne. Maybe she shouldn’t put more stress on her.
‘Tell me,’ Joanne said. ‘It can’t make this day any more crap.’
‘Graham’s left me,’ Beth said bluntly, there didn’t seem any point in prettying it up. No matter what way she said it, it meant the same thing, he’d left her. Left. Such an ugly, horrible word.
The irritated tense look on Joanne’s face faded and there was no anger in her voice when she spoke. ‘Oh, Beth, I’m so sorry. You always seemed so good together. What happened?’
‘You know what my hours are like. Erratic and long. He always thought I gave too much to the job, you know, he’d never have guessed how true that was.’
‘Maybe now you can get back together?’
‘You mean now I won’t be a police officer? He can come and visit me in prison instead?’ She held a hand over her mouth to stop the howl of anguish she knew was hiding inside.
‘I’m not criticising, Beth, really, I’m not,’ Joanne said, ‘but what possessed you to risk your career by doing something so stupid as to plant evidence? You must have known you’d be caught eventually.’
Beth put her hand flat on her forehead. Her head ached but it wasn’t migraine this time, just the stress of this hideous never-ending day. ‘I’ve been doing it for years, maybe I got careless, I don’t know. You’ve no idea how many times we had the right guy but couldn’t prove it. The soul-destroying guilt when the bastard walked free. The devastation of the victims when we told them they’d not get justice.’ Beth looked across at Megan. ‘Every time,’ Beth said, lifting her hand and pointing a finger at her, trying to make them understand why she’d done what she’d done, ‘every bruised and battered person I saw, it reminded me of you that night, and I knew I had to do something. So, I did.’
Beth gave a shaky laugh. ‘Now I wonder, how many of those injuries were self-inflicted, and how many times I was fooled by a desolate face.’ Her voice trembled. ‘I’m not blaming you, Megan, I made my own choices but I can’t ignore the truth. How many innocent men did I help put away?’