Vi was the only one brave enough to contend with Jess. She demanded she rest and wait until the next day to make arrangements for Jordan’s funeral. Jess gave in and crashed on the sofa, but as soon as the sky was painted with the orange and pink light of morning, she started going through the motions.
She planned the wake for the next night, and the funeral the day after. Jordan’s cell phone was on his bedside table, taunting her with the numbers of people she’d have to call.
“You want me to do it?” Vi slid the Blackberry from the table.
“Yeah…I can’t do it again.”
The day was filled with conversations about caskets and flowers. What songs would she like played during the service? What song could sum up the way she felt, what Jordan had meant to her? Did anyone really care?
Jess locked the door in her bedroom and stretch across her bed. A picture taken at graduation of her and Jordan hung on the wall above her bed; the iPod perched on the window seat contained songs Jordan had downloaded to help her sleep, and she could feel him with her and hear his voice when she closed her eyes.
She slid her tennis shoes on and tiptoed down the stairs, snatching Jordan’s keys from the bar in the kitchen. His 2007 Acura still smelled of his cologne, and hanging on a lanyard that dangled from the rearview was a photo of the two them during some summer long ago. She pulled it down and glared at the smiling faces. How could they be so naïve?
She floored it, backing out of the drive clinching the picture in her fist as she pressed it to her chest. She didn’t slow down until she reached the football field where they had spent their weekends in high school. Her mind numb, no longer focused on driving, she spun in a patch of mud, nearly losing control of the vehicle then slammed it in park. For moments, she stared around at the empty field, unable to find what she was looking for. Sure Jordan wasn’t going to manifest in the fog that hung above the field, she gave up sliding onto the hood and cried for Jordan and all he would never experience.
Vi was pacing the driveway when she found her way home three hours later. Jess stepped out of the car prepared for a scolding.
“It’s after midnight. I was terrified.” Vi shut the car door, and reached to stroke Jess’s arm, clearly not as angry as Jess thought she’d be.
Jess didn’t stop to accept comfort. Vi’s embrace would only make her cry again, so she trudged to the patio where Rory and Justin sat. Their eyes watched, their minds certainly invading hers, but she didn’t care. She stretched across the lounger and closed her eyes.
Only the sound of birds chirping and sunlight woke her. Jess sat up a bit confused. She was still in the lounger; someone had covered her with a quilt. Jordan was dead. Vi was posted next to her, as though she’d been assigned guard duty for the night. The lovely redhead placed a mug of hot coffee in Jess’ hand and kissed her cheek.
“What time is it?” Jess’ head pounded making speech almost unbearable.
“10:30.” Rory said. Jess hadn’t noticed him, but he slid from his chair on to the end of the chaise where she’d slept and hugged her.
“Where’s Justin?”
“Making sure Dawson doesn’t crash the funeral,” Vi replied, her wide eyes gazing at Jess over a cup of coffee.
Why did they all look at her that way? She wasn’t going to explode or crumble. Not yet anyway. She closed her eyes and slept for another two hours.
Jess stood at the kitchen counter in a pair of faded jeans and Jordan’s favorite LSU t-shirt. She hadn’t bothered with make-up. She’d barely brushed her hair. “Vi, I have to go to St. Michael’s and drop off some paperwork. Can you drive?”
“Of course.” Vi seemed resolved not to smother her. She stood in the doorframe waiting for Jess to move. Jess didn’t want to be difficult, and she felt like she was asking too much of her friends.
Vi parked near the doors of the church. “This place is beautiful, Jess.” Her hand moved and slid over Jess’.
“Mom and Dad were married here, and we were baptized here; now they’ve all had their funerals here.” Jess’ eyes were on the sacred building, but her mind was lost in a memory of her and Jordan helping her mom get through her dad’s funeral.
Jess left the signed forms with a secretary in the church office, and then navigated as Vi drove to the cemetery. Jordan’s final resting place would be a plot between his mother and sister. Vi held her hand as she looked it over, hoping it was good enough for her precious little brother.
Jess couldn’t leave fast enough, and as they pulled back into the driveway, she saw Justin splayed across the lawn, the dogs showering him with love. She’d slept fourteen hours, yet she was still exhausted and it was difficult to convince her body to leave the vehicle. If she forced herself to sleep again, her imagination would poison her thoughts and torture her. She never wanted to sleep again.
“Wanna go for a ride?” She stooped down and allowed the dogs to lick her face.
“You sure you’re up for it?” He sat up petting Roxy’s ears.
She nodded and followed him back to Jordan’s car.
“I’ll drive, you navigate.” Justin opened the passenger door and waited for her to slip into the seat.
They wound down roads with no streetlights and past the high school. When they came to a dirt road hidden in the brush behind the football field, Jess directed Justin to turn. “Down here a ways.”
The wooded area had been one of her and Jordan’s favorite haunts. She didn’t direct Justin to stop, until she saw a dilapidated bridge crossing the creek that ran between the school and a neighborhood. Jess forced her body to move from the safety of the vehicle and padded over the bridge. Some of the wooden planks were gone, and Justin held on to her as she traversed the structure. She found a place sturdy enough to hold them, and then she parked herself there, dangling her feet over the side.
Justin lowered himself beside her, and she collapsed into his lap resting her head on his thighs. His eyes were sad; her pain was wreaking havoc on his stoic defense system. Each time he spoke, she saw him struggle to say something that would release her from the captivity of sorrow. Did he think he could fix this the way he fixed everything else? Jess felt sorry for him because there was no way to cure her.
When her breaths came and went at a normal pace again, she sat up and fumbled with his fingers.
“When we were kids, I think I was eleven and Jordan was ten, it stormed one summer for over a week. We were locked in the house and drove my mother insane.”
A smile pulled at the edges of her lip, but delighting in the memory was just as painful as anything else. “Finally, the sun came up…I think it was a Saturday…anyway, we rode our bikes here.”
She glanced around at the dirt paths, and cat tails along the creek bank. “Not much has changed…not here.” The rivulet bed below was almost dry; just a few puddles here and there as far as Jess could see. “That day, the creek had flooded the banks, spilling onto the gravel road. Jordan and I stood on the bridge and the water was at our knees.”
Justin closed his eyes, and she imagined he could envision the scene. After all, if he wanted, he could delve into her memory and see what she saw, and for once she hoped he did.
“When we were leaving that day, my mom yelled down the driveway, ‘Ya’ll stay out of the woods and away from that creek. Do you understand me?’” Jess giggled. “As soon as she closed the door, we headed into the woods and down the trail to this place.”
She allowed the laughter and a memory of Jordan as a boy to wash over her. “Anyway, when we got here, there was this old tire lying on the rock and he rolled it over here with this evil look on his face. I knew he was going to do something stupid, but before I could protest, he jumped in the water on the tire and went floating down the creek whooping and hollering.”
Jess pointed to a place in the distance where the creek bent into the woods then emerged nearby. “It goes all the way around, and he rode it back wearing the biggest grin.”
Justin smiled. “I can totally see him doing something like that.”
“Yeah…so he came back around and jumped on the bridge holding the tire like he’d won some trophy for being an idiot. The current was strong, and I was struggling just to stand there and argue with him. Jordan didn’t care he was used to being the renegade while I tried to keep him in line….so he started laughing and daring me to do it. He wanted to see who made it around faster…or something….” She shook her head as her mind played with the idea that if they hadn’t disobeyed, perhaps their entire existence would have played out differently. “I was arguing…he threw the tire into the water and pushed into it and off the bridge.”
Justin’s cheeks heated and filled with a rich cherry hue. “What happened?”
“Of course I couldn’t hold on…I fell off the tire and the current sucked it down stream so fast I couldn’t catch it. I started swimming for the edge, treading water trying to keep my head from going under, but it was pulling me back. I remember grabbing at the weeds along the bank trying to anchor myself to something.” Jess peered over at the cattails that grew along the bank and examined the scars on her palms.
“Jordan ran down the bank screaming, ‘swim Jess, swim!’ I tried, but water rushed into my nose and burned my eyes and I started to panic. The next thing I knew, I was lying in the gravel, and Jordan was on top of me blowing air in my mouth. He was pounding his fist on my chest, crying.”
Justin stared at her wide-eyed.
“What? It’s okay, I’m here, aren’t I? He saved me. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he saved me.” Her smile was genuine. It had always been that way with Jordan, he never knew what he was doing, but he gave it his all.
“Jesus Jess, you could have died.” Justin scowled.
“Watch your mouth.” She grinned. “I didn’t die, though.”
“Did your mom find out?”
Laughter replaced her tears. “Did she? We got home and stood outside washing our bikes in the hose. Jordan kept hugging me and asking if I was okay. We planned our alibi while we washed the mud from our shoes. We thought we had it made.” Jess’ cheeks ached from the smile stretched across them.
“When we walked inside and Jordan said, ‘Don’t tell mom, promise?’ Of course, I stood there agreeing, all goofy and trusting, and we look up and mom was standing right there with her hands on her hips. The window by the hose was open, and she heard our entire plan.”
Justin snickered. “Stupid kids.” His hand trembled when it seized hers.
“He pitched for our high school baseball team. He was really good, Justin. I used to sit out on the bleachers and watch him for hours just thinking he might play at LSU or something.” Jess’ smile vanished. Jordan’s demons were painful to remember.
“Our senior year…I failed first grade, by the way…so we were in the same grade.”
Justin smiled, as though he’d already figured it out retrieved the information from her brain.
“Anyway…our senior year, he got kicked off the team for showing up to practice hung over and drunk too many times. The coach met with my parents, and they sent him to treatment, but he came back with more problems than he had before. He started college that fall, but he was more interested in frat parties than studying. He ditched class a lot, but somehow he managed to graduate.”
Jess studied her fingernails, her mind a million miles and several years away. “He was doing better until mom died. I knew he was drinking again, but he’d promised to do better, and I always gave him the benefit of the doubt…always.”
Jess stood regarding the depth of the darkness surrounding them. The moon reflected on the small pools of water beneath them. “How is all this fair, Justin? How does God justify this?”
“It’s not fair,” he admitted.
She knew he didn’t have the answers, but knowing didn’t stop her from wishing he did. “He could have stopped it. Just this once, He could have saved my brother.”
Justin got up and lifted her chin towards him. “If He took away free will then what? I’ve lived a life without options, Jess. It’s not as wonderful as it sounds.”
“I’m gonna miss my baby brother.” She melted against him and took comfort in his ethereal skin.
His nostrils flared. “I can’t bring him back, but I will take care of Dawson.”
“If you don’t, I will.” She backed off to gauge his reaction.
His face was stone. “Have you lost your mind? Don’t be stupid…don’t even say that. I know you resent me. I know you think I should have ended this already, but for once use your head.”
They were getting back in the car when she spoke again. “I could befriend him get close enough to surprise him.”
Justin was furious, she could see his skin set over his cheeks, and expected at any time for the car to be filled with wings. “He doesn’t want to be your friend.”
They weaved in and out of traffic, and the oncoming vehicles flew by in a rush of blaring horns and lights. As they sped up the driveway, rocks flew behind the car and pelted the fence.
“Then help me think of something.”
Justin slammed the car door and approached the house. “Stay out of it.”
Rory appeared at his brother’s side. “What’s going on?”
“Jess is pushing my buttons.” Justin glared at her over his shoulder as he moved into the house.
Justin stomped across the living room, as though he could find no place to stow the fury she’d riled. Jess leaned against the brick hearth of the fireplace unafraid to stoke his fire. “I can get close to him. You know I can, and when his defenses are down you can finish him.”
He spun around, his laugh of insanity filling the house. She despised when he allowed her to see the insufferable angel that lived inside him. “So you want to be bait?”
Rory shrugged and offered his two cents without invitation. “It’s really not a bad idea.”
“Unbelievable.” Justin slammed his fist against the wooden banister and the pictures that lined the hall tumbled to the floor. “Stay away from him, understand me?”
Before she could blast him for barking orders at her, he was up the stairs.
Rory was at ease, unmoved by Justin’s attempt at intimidation. “I guess it was a bad idea,” he mumbled.
The next two days were a nightmarish stream of condolences and fake smiles. At the funeral home, Jess perched in a chair against the wall and stared at the paisley pattern on the carpet. People forced her into their embrace, and whispered idiotic cliché’s in her ear. Their words were thick with pity disguised as kindness, and Jess loathed everyone who touched her.
A girl Jordan dated in college was cheerfully relating a story to Jess, but the funeral home was closing, and all she could think about was seeing him one last time. “Excuse me.”
She feigned a smile, and approached the wooden box. Why did people stash the dead in boxes anyway? She heard the metal door behind her slam and realized she was alone, save for the funeral director who leaned against the double doors holding his keys.
“Take your time ma’am. I’m gonna flip some lights off. Let me know when you’re ready to leave.” His tone was genuine; perhaps the only authentic thing she’d heard all day.
She gripped the oak casket and pulled herself close, so she could see her brother’s face. He looked like a child. If she stared long enough would he wake from his slumber and comfort her? She lingered over his body too long, searching for bruising, or some other sign of the struggle he’d endured, but the funeral home had deftly covered any imperfections. The longer she stayed, the deeper her need to exact revenge on Dawson tunneled into her gut. The monster had stolen the only connection she’d had to the happy girl she’d once been.
At St. Michaels the next day, she could hear the priest as he addressed the congregation. Music played somewhere in the distance – a song she was sure she hadn’t picked. It didn’t matter, none of the pomp and circumstance really registered.
The priest was going on about the peace Jordan had found in death, and the new home he had with God. The absurdity of it, made her blood boil, and she shifted, in her seat, sure a fire had been set beneath her body. If she stayed inside the walls of the church, locked in communion with liars and her own mind, she’d lose control. The service had only just started, but she had to leave before she ruined Jordan’s funeral.
She rose from the pew, pushing past Justin to the aisle, and exited the building without a word. Outside she inhaled as she shot through the parking lot. Her high heels caused her ankle to turn when she stepped on a broken chunk of concrete and she swore. She unstrapped the shoes and threw them towards the car rubbing at her swelling ankle. The utter insanity of the situation she’d just left made the world around her spin. She leaned against a minivan hoping to catch her breath and still the pain radiating up her calf.
“Where are you going?” Justin appeared at her side, infuriating her.
“I need to be alone.” She wanted to take his head off. And why was he looking at her like that?
“He’s your brother, you owe him…” He started to chastise her, and she could see the disappointment that riddled his countenance, but she wasn’t in the mood for clueless angels and playing nice.
“Owe him?” Her pitch rose caring the question across the parking lot. A bunch of kids riding skateboards at the convenience store next door turned to watch them. “I don’t owe him. What do you know about it, Justin? You’re so judgmental."
“Stop being a child.” She was trying his patience. His brow was furrowed and the skin was hard against his jawbone and cheeks, but she hoped he would lose his cool, so she could tear into him properly.
He didn’t fall apart, though. He ushered her to the car and waited with her, until the procession drove to the graveside. Jess didn’t leave the car at the cemetery. She didn’t want to attend anymore of the spectacle that was her brother’s funeral. Maci and Asher stood in the same place she’d seen them at her mother’s burial. She remembered Vi’s words and turned away from them in hopes they would disappear.
No one, not even her guardian angels, could provide an explanation for the tragedies in her life. They had no inkling what it felt like to be her, and she wanted to be alone. When Justin got back in the car, she whispered, “I want to go back to New Orleans.”