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The next morning, Kali stood at the window watching Lincoln’s truck pull away from the curb. He’d forgotten today was her meeting at CNIB. Not that he would have been taking care of Theo anyway, he’d have been at work. But still, he wasn’t at work, and several weeks ago he would have been insulted if she didn’t assume he’d want to watch Theo for her.
A break. Time apart. It made sense. She hadn’t trusted him. She’d lied to him ... a lie of omission, which was still a lie. In some small way, in his eyes at least, she’d made him a cheater.
And what about in her eyes? She’d been telling herself the past few months her resistance to taking their relationship further had to do with her fear of committing, of trusting someone again ... but had it been more? She didn’t feel married. She’d been willing, eager to sleep with Lincoln in New York, but that hadn’t even been about sex, or intimacy. It’d merely been about a last chance.
Kali inhaled, taking time during the exhale to assess her body. A mild headache, discomfort really, almost no nausea. The fatigue was lessening everyday, as if she was slowly climbing out of a rut and could finally see a glimpse of the sun.
She was getting better, or at least her symptoms were. Her vision may not return, but what she had, if it stayed this way, was manageable. And her eyes were opened now, to the opportunities she still had.
Allison, her supervisor at Westwood, had called last week about setting up an assessment to judge Kali’s ability to return to work with assistive technology. She told Kali to call back as soon as her doctors felt confident the swelling from treatment had reduced.
And Kali had other options too, counselling, training ... Alika and the others she’d met at the CNIB were opening doors Kali never imagined existed.
“When you leave?”
Kali turned to Theo, who stood at the entry to the hall in a red t-shirt and dinosaur briefs. “Where are your pants?”
Theo grinned. “Today I wear no pants.”
“Ha.” Kali shook her head, trying to suppress a grin. “I don’t think so.”
“I do think so.” Theo swayed his hips. “No one sees the dinosaurs. I want them to see the dinosaurs.”
“The dinosaurs are for you.” Kali crossed the room and scooped Theo up in her arms, tickling him. “No one else needs to see them.”
Theo pointed to Kali.
Kali smiled down at him. “Okay. For you and for me. No one else needs to see them.”
Theo tilted his head, a smile so sweet Kali found it hard not to give in. “But maybe other people need to see them too. Maybe they like them.”
“They might.” Kali gave Theo a squeeze and set him down. “But we’re not going to find out. Pants or shorts go on outside the house. Always.”
“Please.” Theo turned and thrust out his bottom, pointing to the triceratops on his rump. “Look, he’s nice.”
“He’s very nice.” Kali laughed. “And he’ll be nicer underneath your jeans.” Kali gave Theo’s bottom a soft smack. “Go change. We’ve got to get you to Mrs. Martin’s, and trust me, she does not want to see you walking around in your dinosaur undies!”
Theo shifted into his thinking pose, elbow in one hand and chin in the opposite. “Maybe I can go to Daddy’s.”
“Hmm?”
“Maybe Daddy can daycare me.”
“Oh.” Kali swallowed. “I don’t think so.”
Theo raised his arm in the air, his smile flashing. “I think yes!”
“We don’t know Daddy very well yet.”
“He’s nice. And fun!”
“I know but—” Kali’s voice trailed off.
Theo’s brow furrowed. “But he’s my daddy, right?”
“Yes.”
“Cherie says daddies live with you. And when they don’t then you go to their house when you’re not at Mommy’s and ...” he paused, thinking, “two Christmases and two birthdays.”
Kali pressed her lips into a half-grimace, half-smile. “Sometimes that’s true, but not always.”
“I get two Christmases?”
Kali rubbed a hand along her neck. “Maybe.” She hadn’t thought about that, hadn’t thought about a lot of things. “We could probably all spend Christmas together.”
Could they? If Lincoln’s ‘break’ really was just that, could the five of them all celebrate Christmas? Would Lincoln want to join his family—it’d be a big Christmas dinner, most likely, with cousins and aunts and uncles, maybe a secret Santa. Kali and Theo would be invited, for sure. But Derek? Marvin? Theo stared at her, his head tilted, waiting for a better answer.
“Go put on your pants.” Kali’s voice came out firmer than she intended. She softened it. “We need to get you to Mrs. Martin’s or I’ll be late.”
Theo turned and took exaggerated stomps down the hall. For the briefest moment, Kali missed the days before Theo asked questions and before she needed to give answers.
Lincoln was right. They had a lot to think about. Kali wanted Lincoln. She was sure of it. Or, at least sure she didn’t want him walking out of their lives. But if he did walk? And if Derek stayed and wanted to give it another try?
She’d convinced herself she could be alone, that Theo would be enough, but after these past months with Lincoln—having someone to rely on, talk to, curl up on the couch with, kiss ... she wasn’t sure she wanted to be alone anymore.
If only she could turn back the clock, tell Lincoln the truth. She didn’t want to be alone. And if Lincoln left and Derek stayed ... maybe she still wouldn’t have to be.
“Ready.” Theo’s arrival snapped Kali to attention.
“Good. Great.” She motioned to the door. “Put on your shoes and lets go.”
All through the CNIB meeting, Kali’s thoughts travelled from the discussion at hand to the questions Theo had raised. Two Christmases. Two birthdays. It wouldn’t be so bad. But she also didn’t want Theo to think his parents couldn’t be in the same room together. They could. She could. Should she try again with Derek? Should she? Could they make it work?
That’d been her childhood dream for years—for her father to come back, to be a father, a dad. For her parents to make it work. To be a family. A real family. Kali inhaled. Not that there was any such thing as a ‘real’ family. Family was family. It was what you made it—blood or no. Still.
Still.
It felt like a betrayal: considering Derek, imagining a life with Derek. But it’s what Lincoln wanted her to do, why they were on this break, and not once had she made a commitment to Lincoln. It was to Derek she’d made the commitments.
A burst of laughter erupted from the group. Kali glanced around the room, chuckling, though she had no idea at what.
Focus, Kali. Focus.
She nodded at something Alika was saying, though the words didn’t take on meaning. Her mind reeled with possibilities, the past and the future. She’d shut herself off to Derek in every way imaginable when he’d stood on their porch then turned away, choosing a life without her. She’d justified keeping Theo from him, never replying to a letter or card by telling herself he’d been the one to abandon them first. Absolutely. Only it hadn’t been absolute. The money proved that. The trip back for her mother’s funeral proved that. If she was honest with herself, the cards and letters and occasional phone calls early on proved that too. Phone calls she’d never answered. Letters she hadn’t read.
She had to acknowledge her own role in their relationship falling apart—instead of blaming it all on him, choosing to be the martyr.
He’d left, but she’d pushed him away, again and again. She’d resented the phone calls, letters, birthday and Christmas cards. What was a twenty-five dollar gift when she had real bills to pay? A slap in the face, that’s what.
But what would a returned card or letter have meant to Derek as he lay in a hospital bed, recovering from the loss of a limb? As he dealt with the guilt of his brother’s death, the pain of comrades lost? She could have written back, easily. She wouldn’t have even had to write anything. She could have sent pictures of Theo in his favourite cowboy hat. She could have sent artwork, hand prints. She could have not been so bitter and selfish.
“Kali?”
“Huh?” Kali returned her attention to the room. All eyes were in her general direction. How many times had her name been called? Kali focused her gaze on Heather. “I mean, yes?”
Heather clapped her hands together. “Oh that’s great. So, you’re my partner for planning Dining in the Dark?”
Dining in the Dark? Kali tried to filter through the bits and pieces of conversation that had floated around her while she was lost in her own thoughts. They’d been talking about fundraisers earlier, and outings they could go on. “What exactly will it entail?”
Heather gave her an odd little smile. “Well, as I was saying, I can handle most of the legalese required, but I’d love to have someone come with me to pick a restaurant, set everything up with the owner, help coordinate the distribution of flyers, coordinate social media and media outlet notifications.”
“Oh,” Kali put a hand to her throat. “I don’t know if I—”
“You’d be great,” insisted Casey, the Independent Living Skills coordinator, who was sitting in on today’s meeting. “And you were saying in last week’s session that you wanted to get more involved.”
Kali glanced between the two women. “I thought maybe I’d help out here at CNIB, not—”
“We’ll get a free meal out of it,” grinned Heather, “a really good meal. For us and one guest each.”
“Well—”
“Please.” Heather’s smile increased. “Plus, it’ll give us a chance to get to know each other better.”
Kali’s chest thumped. Taking something else on right now ... maybe it was exactly what she needed. A distraction. “Sure.” Kali smiled back, hoping she wasn’t getting herself into something she’d regret.“I’d be happy to.”