A Very Enlightened Escort
Ten minutes later, a black Escalade slowed to a stop in front of the main entrance of Bloomingdale’s. The back window scrolled down and SBB popped most of her tiny upper body out of it.
“Hello, my love,” SBB chirped. She waved her hands wildly, then called out coyly, “Need a lift, pretty lady?”
Dominick, her driver, came around and opened up the door for me.
“Is this a magic Escalade?” I asked her, climbing in and buckling up. “How did you get here so fast? It’s like you have a radar for when I’m going to need you to bail me out of some disaster.”
“How many times do I have to remind you of my psychic power?” SBB laughed. “Oh no,” she said, grabbing my arm. “You got what appears to be marinara on your cute new-old skirt.”
I looked down at the large red smudge on my Beacon’s Closet skirt and said, “Ugh. Least of my worries.”
SBB stuck up her pointer finger. “But the most easily fixable,” she said as she started to rummage through a giant Scoop shopping bag. “I bought my yearly supply of Hanky Panky’s this afternoon, and when I was at the register, I saw this fabulous skirt that just screamed ‘Buy me for Flan.’ So I did!”
After pulling out a few pairs of tiny seamless thong underwear, SBB produced a short green pleated Diane Samandi skirt that did, in fact, scream Flan Flood.
“Wow, thanks, SBB,” I said. “I’m so glad you listened to your inner voice.”
“Me, too!” she grinned. “Because do you know what else my inner voice told me today?”
I shook my head and found myself staring at a giant deep blue diamond ring on SBB’s right pinky finger. “Um, ‘Put in the winning bid for the Hope Diamond?’” I said, seizing her hand and gaping at her.
“Oh, this?” she said, blushing and clutching the ring to her heart. “It was a gift.”
“Jake Riverdale gave you this rock, SBB? It’s the size of Delaware!”
“We had a tiff. He wanted to make nice. He said not to let the paparazzi see me with it on so they won’t make a fuss, but I plan—wait, I’m getting distracted. I wanted to tell you what else my inner voice told me to do tonight.”
I nodded for her to go on.
“Dominick,” she called into a speaker on the console of the back seat. “We’re ready.”
Through the glass pane separating the front seat from the back, Dominick passed back a familiar-looking white paper bag that I quickly realized came from one of my favorite places on earth.
“Is that what I think it is?” I asked.
“Duh. I was making my daily run to Pinkberry and my inner voice told me to pick up an extra order for you as a ‘Welcome back to school’ treat. I was going to call you and run it over on my way home, but then you beat me to it.” She passed over one tub of the frozen yogurt to me. “Cheers!”
As we dug into our green tea fro-yos topped with raspberries and Cap’n Crunch cereal, I decided to commiserate with SBB about the minor horrors of my day. By the time we’d wound our way through the downtown maze of traffic I’d finished my story, and SBB was nodding empathetically.
“Okay, here’s what we do,” she said. “Divide these issues and conquer. Pizza on the skirt—taken care of. The small embarrassment of the slip ’n’ fall—everyone will have forgotten it by tomorrow … or least by next week. And props to you for being cool about it and not playing into their bitchy games. I sense some major karma bonus points for you there. Lots of people would have come back at Willa with an extra-large margherita pizza in the face.” She waved her spoon at me. “Next, the TZ-Kennedy thing…. Well, that’s tricky. I’m going to need some time to think on that one. But as for your English class catastrophe—how about you just … abandon thy fear!”
“But how?” I asked. “Is it really as easy as ‘abandon thy fear’? I felt like a total idiot today, and what I fear is being a repeat offender of the crime of stupidity.”
“Not when you’ve got a friend like me,” SBB said, throwing her arms in the air and narrowly missing the ceiling. When she saw the confused look on my face she said, “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten so quickly? Loan Shark of Venice Beach? My steamy make-out scene with Penn? I’m basically a Shakespearean scholar.”
I laughed. “Actually, I think I was picturing your steamy make-out scene a little too much today. It sort of took up all my brain power and prevented me from remembering the plot.”
SBB closed her eyes and smiled. “Mmm, yes, I know that feeling when it comes to thinking about Penn.” She opened one eye, a trademark SBB move. “Don’t ever tell Jake I said that!”
I put my hands over my heart before eating another spoonful of yogurt. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Phew. Okay. So listen, we’ll tackle this Shakespeare stuff together. Oh my God, imagine me as someone’s tutor! I’ve always wanted to play that role, all serious and academic and maybe wearing really severe glasses and a tweed blazer. For some reason, no one’s ever cast me …”
She trailed off, and I realized that we were pulling up to my brownstone. As the Escalade slowed to a stop, SBB flung her arms out again and squealed.
“Oh my God, I almost completely forgot something of the utmost importance.”
I laughed—with SBB, this could mean anything from “I need a liver transplant” to “Built by Wendy is having a sale.”
“What’s up?” I asked.
SBB peered into my eyes seriously and said, “I’ve have to go to the premiere of Jake’s new film at the Paris Theatre next Thursday night, and I’m panicked.”
“Why?” I said. “It sounds like a blast. After all, the whole world’s been waiting for the premiere of Derelict Dudes,” I teased.
“I know, I know,” SBB said, missing my joke about JR’s upcoming Monster Truck movie. Then with a shudder, she said, “But she’s going to be there and you know how I get.”
I knew she referred to SBB’s nemesis, Ashleigh Ann Martin, and I knew how I get referred to the total freak-outs SBB had anytime she was forced to share the same red carpet as AAM.
“So.” SBB clasped her hands around mine. “Can I reserve you for the night? I have this awful premonition that AAM is going to pull a Kennedy and sabotage me. She’s all about wardrobe warfare, but I’m onto her! I will not show up in the same outfit as that brain cell–challenged, rehabbing—”
“Do you need me to wait in the limo with a change of clothes, just in case?” I filled in.
SBB bobbed her head gratefully. “You’re the best, Flannie. Now let’s say goodnight in Shakespearean,” she coached.
“Um,” I said, racking my brain. “Parting is such sweet sorrow?”
“Exactly!” SBB clucked her tongue. “My first student—and she’s learning so fast!”
As the Escalade started to pull away, SBB called out, “Don’t forget about Thursday! Put it in the neutralizing magnetic Teslar day planner I bought you for Christmas!”
“I’m all yours,” I called back.
Just as I got inside my house, I felt my phone buzz inside my bag.
IF YOU’RE GOING TO FALL DOWN IN THIS CITY, I KNOW A MUCH BETTER PLACE TO DO IT. HOW ABOUT ICE SKATING AT WOLLMAN RINK WEDNESDAY AFTER SCHOOL.—ALEX
I felt a grin spread across my face. Hmm … wardrobe backup with SBB next Thursday, ice skating with Alex Wednesday. Looked like I’d be getting some use out of that Teslar day planner already.