6
VISUALIZATION
In the previous chapter I quoted from Lindsey Agness’s book Change Your Life With NLP. Now seems like a good moment to discuss NLP or neuro-linguistic programming given that this section – on visualization of goals – owes more than a little to that happy band of self-motivators. Many modern self-help books are either openly or indirectly using NLP in their framework of actions. And millions of people with low self-esteem or low confidence have undoubtedly had their lives improved by adopting NLP techniques.
For those with a high fear of failure, however, some caution is required.
NLP emerged in the 1970s as a radically new approach to psychotherapy and personal change based on, according to the Oxford English Dictionary (2009), “a model of interpersonal communication chiefly concerned with the relationship between successful patterns of behaviour and the subjective experiences (esp. patterns of thought) underlying them.”
The aim is that awareness of the way both we and others think, speak and behave – and changes in patterns of behaviour and speech based on this awareness – can help people achieve success. NLP has more than a casual link with CBT in this respect, although NLP is CBT on steroids – claiming that adopters can influence the reactions of others to achieve positive external results, rather than simply helping us re-evaluate our responses to external events.
Fine. Yet many NLP practitioners go way beyond understanding thoughts and actions, or even “modelling” the successful behaviour of others. Start researching the claims of the more extreme NLP practitioners and we soon discover offers for rapid and transformational change, with some claiming that wholesale changes can be made in our unconscious mind – including removal of our fears and phobias – almost instantly, even using techniques such as hypnotherapy (and self-hypnosis) in order to achieve this. And with our fears seemingly banished forever, some practitioners also claim that a furious and headlong drive towards “dream fulfilment” is possible.
Of course, such strong claims make NLP both an alluring and potentially dangerous tool in the hands of High-FFs prone to seeking instant change, or to thinking that they can be rewired, or to pursuing inappropriate avoidance-based goals.
While gratefully acknowledging NLP ideas and methodology, therefore, we must remain acutely aware that the stated outcomes from NLP-rooted exercises, including visualization, may need to be tempered. NLP’s critics state that established neuroscience does not support claims regarding the potential for rewiring our self-beliefs, including our fears, meaning that NLP may offer no more than a deeper form of self-denial or perhaps tenuous and refutable “success” through the power of suggestion.
And while I’m not taking sides with respect to NLP’s veracity, it is my belief that the moment of realization regarding our faulty wiring, false evaluations and destructive self-belief, is an important one for those with fear of failure. It needs to be examined and understood – nurtured even. Not swapped for a headlong pursuit in the other direction.
There is no transformational technique that can make that monkey disappear. And any attempt at distancing ourselves from him could see him painfully snap back like over-stretched elastic. As High-FFs, we are hardwired to our primary beliefs and default settings, no matter how faulty. They are coming with us, I am afraid, and – in my view – sustainable, long-term progress towards achievement motivation is only possible once we realize this and accept it.
Of course, many people who have thought themselves drowning in a sea of insecurities have found strength, purpose and buoyancy through NLP – and that’s great (sincerely meant). Yet as a lifeboat, NLP can perhaps be compared to Alcoholics Anonymous, with the “recovering” alcoholics having the upper hand in one key respect. They have to reaffirm their addiction at every meeting, meaning they are not permitted any form of self-denial. So while an alcoholic has to introduce themselves with the affirmation “my name’s [Janet] and I’m an alcoholic,” some of those I meet using NLP seem to offer the more proselytizing: “my name’s [John], and you are the insecure one.”
This is an important point for those with fear of failure to grasp in my opinion. We are “recovering” High-FFs – trying to overcome our insecurities and fears just as alcoholics are trying to overcome their addiction. There is no final victory, just a more promising path and the avoidance of destructive thoughts or behaviour.
There’s a wider point here about anyone using any form of self-help to improve their lives. Strong short-term progress can lead us into becoming preaching motivational converts – not only seeing insecurities in everyone we meet but offering unsolicited advice. No matter what resources we use for self-improvement, we must remember that it is only our behaviour that we are seeking to change, not those of our friends or acquaintances – and especially not those of strangers we feel are in need of enlightenment.
The above warning on the limits of NLP for High-FFs seeking “recovery” from their fear of failure is necessary simply because of what happens next – the visualization of our goals as so excellently recommended by many of the more professional and enlightened NLP practitioners.
Famous hotelier Conrad Hilton kept a photo of New York’s Waldorf Hotel under the glass on his desk. It remained there for 18 years until he bought the hotel. The photo was a daily visual reminder of his goal, giving him the focus he needed to achieve it.
“We are what we are because we have first imagined it,” writes Anthony Robbins (1992), adding that setting goals through visualization is the first step in turning the invisible (our future) into the visible.
It certainly worked for me. In my early days as an entrepreneur I organized and attended a seminar at Metrocube, held by one of the UK’s leading NLP practitioners. At the seminar she did a curious thing – making us all close our eyes and imagine ourselves 10 years hence.
For instance, how were we dressed? This is important as it starts giving an indication about us as people. We were asked to visualize our perfect selves so the assumption was we were dressed well, but in what: summer casuals, a Savile Row suit, the Barbour and wellies of a country squire, or in something from a Paris or Milan catwalk? And who had we become as people? For instance, what is our place of work like? Is it an office in Mayfair, a farmhouse kitchen table, something sleek in a Manhattan skyscraper, or even a workshop under the Brighton railway?
Is it our own company, or are we high up in our target organization (or even just doing the right job in our target organization)? Indeed, can we identify our target organization, as well as the right job?
And who works for us? Is there a team, a partner, a PA, a receptionist, a hierarchy of people below us, or the perfect line manager above? What do they look like? What are they wearing in the office?
Perhaps the most important aspect is our home life. Where is our house: Maida Vale, California, the Cotswolds, Provence, Sydney? What does it look like? Is it old or new, four stories or a bungalow, peg-tiled or flat-roofed? Does it have a gravel drive or is it a Belgravia mansion on to a square? Is it our only house or are there others? What does it look like inside: the hall, the kitchen, the study, the bedrooms, the bathroom? What is it like outside: acres of lawn and mature trees, a formal garden, a balcony with a cool cityscape view, or maybe a ramshackle farmyard?
And who are we with? Is it our current partner or someone new? Are there kids? If so how many? What are their names? Dogs, horses, snakes, fish? What are their names?
One thing I remember is just how much detail our NLP practitioner sought. We were actually projecting ourselves into our bedroom or office, actually greeting our colleagues and partners, actually stroking the dog and wandering the grounds of our house.
There are several versions of visualization. Another imagines speakers at our funeral, although I like the 10-year version (Anthony Robbins also has a 10-year horizon) because it contains lots of detail and – crucially – it allows us to parcel-up the expanse of time in front of us. The 10-year visualization exercise gives us a whole decade to reach our goals. That house, office, career and dog does not have to be in place until the end of year nine, month 11, day 30.
However, you do need to take the right steps towards it today. After your 10-year visualization, therefore, an important next task is to visualize where you would have to be in five years to make that 10-year goal achievable. Again, details please – what does every aspect look and feel like? Then what about in two years’ time – where would you have to be in 24 months to meet those five year goals? Again, lots and lots of detail. And what about in 12 months? Where would you have to be to meet the two-year goal? The same goes for six months, then one month then one week. It is obvious where this ends up. What has to happen tomorrow to meet the one week goal, and what can be done now in preparation for tomorrow’s actions?
Yet there’s an important caveat to this process. For any “recovering” High-FF aiming to adopt the behaviours of those with high achievement motivation alarm bells should have been ringing during the 10-year visualization exercise as we may have indulged ourselves in the most lurid fantasies imaginable. We are encouraged to “play a role,” which means many of us could well have lost ourselves opting for the Beverley Hills mansion with its own recording studio, a guitar-shaped swimming pool and lots of gorgeous and sexually available people hanging on to our every word.
Despite what many self-motivators will say such fantasies could well be inappropriate goals, not because it is out of reach but because, as High-FFs, we chose it simply because it was, indeed, out of reach. There was no, or little, emotional cost in fantasizing at this level because we knew it was never going to happen – at least short of a major lottery win (see below on the lottery). Such indulgences may well be counterproductive for the recovering High-FF as these are hardly the challenging but achievable and rewarding goals of those with achievement motivation. This, to me, looks like a potentially dangerous encouragement to throw the hoop towards the peg from as far back as possible.
It is worth noting here that this book is not saying “get real” and perhaps end up with a small promotion and one extra bedroom. It is a book aimed at helping those with a high fear of failure to understand what has happened to them and how they can use this knowledge to calculate better responses that help them achieve better results in the future.
If it leads us permanently away from the High-FF prison of negative self-fulfilling responses to the sunlit uplands of achievement motivation then that is a massive, massive, success – and one that cannot be measured in guitar-shaped swimming pools. And goal-setting is a vital part of this – the most vital part, in fact, as it is about pointing us in the right direction after having spent a lifetime stuck in the wrong place and facing the wrong way thanks to the purgatory of our fears and insecurities.
The most vital action you can take at this point, therefore, is to generate goals that matter to you. Goals that are yours – not the fantasies fed to you by marketing men exploiting your vulnerabilities, or by Simon Cowell, Anthony Robbins or any other star maker or guru. Only then will the goals be sustainable and achievable. Only then will you, slowly – over many years – prevent your fear of failure from derailing your progress as you, step-by-step, move towards your goals.
Stephen Covey of Seven Habits … fame is probably the high priest of appropriate goal setting, although his true genius for those with a high fear of failure is that he doesn’t ask us to reinvent ourselves or deny our past pain in order to make progress: quite the opposite. He argues against what he calls the “Personality Ethic” prevalent in most modern self-help books and instead promotes the “Character Ethic.”
The Personality Ethic, states Covey, relies on developing skills and techniques that can result in quick success. However, these may be revealed as insincere (even manipulative) and will lose their lustre as soon as we hit a major difficulty that the techniques cannot deal with. The Personality Ethic forces us to wear a mask – to display a personality that is inconsistent with our character. Such masks could include the confident, witty or attractive person that the self-help books and techniques are trying to promote – stating that this person is within us and waiting to come out, when in fact we are being asked to express ourselves based on learnt or acquired behaviours that are the opposite to our inner selves.
The Character Ethic, meanwhile, is based on developing a character that complements our principles – in fact is “principles-centred.” This is a long-term process aimed at bearing fruit according to natural law, i.e. over years (Covey uses a farming analogy of things taking time to propagate and grow). There are no short cuts or quick-fixes.
And from our principles-centred character all goals and behaviours flow. We need to develop and explore the principles that provide the blank canvass upon which we draw our map. Covey’s call is that we formulate goals based on principles that he claims are innate in human beings: including fairness, integrity, honesty, human dignity, quality and excellence. They also include the idea of human potential, growth and encouragement.
My first reading of this made me hesitate, I have to admit. I was absorbed in a book focused on making me more effective and was instead getting a lecture on ethics and morality. It felt too holy for me, too sanctimonious – dare I say it: too American. Many of the most effective people I have ever met were scoundrels – immorally and unethically pursuing their self-interest with no care for the external consequences (a lack of concern that I secretly admired, so wrapped up was I in what other people thought of me). Certainly, they were not “principles-centred.” In fact, many were so eaten up with ambition they were deeply unprincipled, although I recognize now that this may have been due to their inner frustrations and insecurities.
But then the penny dropped. I wasn’t trying to become one of these people, however much I secretly envied them. I was trying to move away from High-FF behaviour (which many of them displayed) and towards high achievement motivation. I was prepared to accept there were no short cuts to doing this. And having to accept that this involved setting goals that were principles-centred was just another step, which I eventually took.
I realized Covey is right. When I studied myself in depth I didn’t find a bad person despite some shamefully spiteful and selfish acts. I found a good person with a burning sense of injustice about how the world had treated me thus far. Those very moments of bad behaviour were based on feelings of frustration, which I had always inwardly justified as such – to the point of feeling shocked and harshly judged when my behaviour had been pulled up by others.
In fact I had often mused that inside every bad person was a good person trying to get out. Many muggers, bank robbers, even murderers would inwardly justify their actions based on prejudice against them or poor opportunities. Most would see themselves as, at heart, a good person. Certainly, frustration has been a key driver for my bad behaviour over the years. Remove the frustration, I reasoned, and the principles-centred good guy would come forth.
And Covey was simply saying I had this the wrong way round. Being principles-centred means that the hidden good person within needs to come to the fore first in order to act as a benchmark and driver for our new goals and behaviours. We must move towards the person we want to be – emotionally and spiritually – not become that person only once we have arrived at some new destination. In terms of principles, the journey and the destination are one and the same. And they start here.
This was one of those revelatory moments for me. It confirmed two things: that my internal fight between the good and bad me is a crucial battle in my quest to overcome my fear of failure, and that the good person is innate – I had simply developed bad thoughts and behaviours from bad experiences. It also confirmed that the future would be better than the past because I now realized this and could act accordingly – using my principles to act as a strong benchmark for my goal setting, as well as my future behaviour.
I then had another revelation, about the unprincipled people I’d envied. In my careers there had been a few but, looking back, I realized that none of these people had prospered. One had lost his job after arrogantly conducting an affair in the office, another had run his company into the ground after playing fast and loose with his creditors, and then there were my colleagues who found themselves in prison after pleading guilty to fraud-related charges. Just maybe being principles-centred was also the most sustainable way to proceed.
Having encouraged a principles-centred orientation Covey then states we must use that centre to generate appropriate, long-term and enduring goals. But we first have to write a personal mission statement that includes our values and principles.
Covey invoked the example of the US Constitution – a document I studied at university and had admired for its brevity, accuracy and totemic qualities. The US Constitution (along with the Bill of Rights included within it) encapsulated the principles and values of the new republic and set a very clear standard for future generations to adhere to. Covey wrote that the US Constitution made it crystal clear when such standards had been breached: during the Watergate scandal for instance. And such is the grounding of that document that it is my belief that it was an important building block in the creation of the US as a superpower.
So there are clear advantages for creating your own constitution. It is not a document that should be scribbled or hurried, however. Think about it over days and weeks, and add to it over a period of time. Anthony Robbins talks of writing our goals rapidly without pause, which is fine for a first draft. However, Your Constitution is something that needs to be honed. You should also consider it the first “action” in your recovery from fear of failure and then commit it to your diary (perhaps in those back pages marked “notes”), which will give you the opportunity to review it annually.
My Constitution (for illustrative purposes only – in my view this is a deeply private document):
Given the above, it is hard to see how being a hotshot investment banker or humorous laddish writer were ever appropriate goals for me to pursue.
And there is an important point here about ambitions. If you genuinely think a key element of Your Constitution is “to be rich” or “to be famous” then you should include it. But it may also be worth asking yourself “why?” If the deep and genuine answer is “because I want to drive a Ferrari” or “because I want to be recognized in the street” that’s fine. But what if the deep and genuine answer is “to show everyone that I am not worthless?” Then a better line for Your Constitution may be “to prove my worth,” with more specific objectives consigned to the 10-year visualization. Remember, Your Constitution is about developing your principles. It’s not about your dream job or what brand of jeans you want to wear in five years’ time.
Your Constitution is aimed at getting you to the next stage: developing specific objectives and milestones – as defined by our principles. Others agree with Covey on this. According to Brian Tracy (2003), our values define us – generating the following dynamic towards appropriate goal setting:
If we reverse this chain it is easy to see where things go wrong for the High-FF. Our expectations of failure mean that we set inappropriate goals because of our beliefs that we are incapable of achievement. This incapacity is derived from our values, which include placing a higher focus on maintaining face than on achievement.
But just say we were to start with more appropriate, principle-based, values and then run these through Tracy’s dynamic. If a core value was to focus on continual self-improvement, our beliefs must be that continuous self-improvement is possible, which will surely have a beneficial impact on our attitude towards learning – it is there to help us live by our core values. This attitude fuels positive expectations regarding self-improvement and drives our actions.
Suddenly, we are facing the right way with some clear values and principles to achieve and maintain. Project these forward and we can indulge ourselves in those NLP visualizations to help us define our goals in detail.
And if, by the end of all these exercises, you do not have a well thought through and achievable action plan for the next 10 years, then you need to go back to Your Constitution and think again about your principles and values. This is nothing to beat yourself up about. It may take several goes. And realizing that the goals need resetting at this stage is a lot less painful than realizing this five years down the line (although be aware that goals may, can and should change).
Your actions now are based on putting the ladder against the right wall so answers may not be instant. The visualization may take a few goes, as may Your Constitution. That’s fine. You have a lifetime to get this right (with the first 10 years our immediate focus) and the journey is likely to be a lot nicer than the painful and bumpy ride you have so far experienced.