Figure 12.1 Reversing the flow of low self-esteem
12
SELF-ESTEEM
We can develop strategies and execute tactics all we like. Sooner or later we are going to have to tackle people – probably the most challenging aspect of any recovery programme for those with high fear of failure.
“Fully 85 per cent of your success in life is going to be determined by your social skills,” says Brian Tracy in Maximum Achievement (1993), “by your ability to interact positively and effectively with others and to get them to cooperate with you in helping you to achieve your goals.”
Certainly, this is by far the most difficult chapter for me to write. Over the years my High-FF behaviour has destroyed more business and office relationships, more friendships and more romantic involvements than I dare to remember. I have been truly dreadful when it comes to my dealings with my fellow human beings: hurtful, angry, destructive and self-centred. And that’s just with the people who were on my side. Out of fear, I suspect I have behaved rather better to those who did not have my best interests at heart.
Throughout my life I have nursed a burning sense of injustice – sometimes treating people appallingly because of an overly sensitized perception of prejudice against me, even from friends. I have jumped to every wrong conclusion, assumed every slight intended,absorbed every insult – meant or otherwise. I have also reacted angrily in defence on so many occasions that I have problems recalling any past period without immediately remembering some reactive episode I wish I could forget.
Yet High-FF reactivity goes way beyond angry responses. Poor reactions to social or people situations can equally encompass hurt, withdrawal and passivity, in which we fail to stand up for ourselves, or bitchiness and criticism, in which we seek revenge for perceived slights through backstabbing or passive aggressive behaviour such as being obstructive.
Indeed, of all the failings of those with a high fear of failure, it is our dealings with people that most disable us. Surveys in the US have concluded that up to 95 per cent of men and women “let go” from their job over a 10-year period were fired due to poor social skills rather than lack of competence.
No matter how well you strategize to meet your objectives, therefore, if you fail to improve your people skills you will fail to make progress in your life. We cannot avoid people in the pursuit of our goals. In many respects, people are the goal as well as the means of achieving them. Yet they are also our greatest barrier. Without people skills we are illiterate in a land of words, innumerate in a land of numbers. We are deaf in a room filled with sound.
Those neural hijackings that act as the internal assassins of our objectivity are almost always triggered by someone else’s words or actions, and our interpretations of the intentions behind them. Yet when dealing with people the depersonalization we should employ to help overcome such hijackings seems impossible. If somebody insults me – perceived or otherwise – it’s not Me Inc. that’s being insulted. It’s me.
As a recovering High-FF, however, it is important to recognize that much of the alienation we have felt has not only been conceived and perceived in our own heads, it has been self-fulfilling and therefore self-inflicted. Sure hateful people exist (though they are mostly fellow High-FFs). But the person that really hates you – to the core of your being – that really doesn’t have your best interests at heart, is you.
This is an awful and depressing realization. Yet – like taking responsibility – it is also a liberating thought. If you are your own worst enemy then you are the person that can exorcize the demon within that is destroying not only your life chances, but your friendships, relationships, partnerships and leaderships. That demon has got to go – and you are the only person that can throw him or her out.
The key issue here – the distorting mirror that generates the problems – is low self-esteem. As stated in Part One, not everyone with high fear of failure suffers from low self-esteem, although most do to either a lesser of greater extent (usually greater). And there is a direct relationship between self-esteem and our ability to get along with others.
“The more you like and respect yourself,” says Tracy, “the more you like and respect others. The more you consider yourself to be a valuable and worthwhile person, the more you consider others to be valuable and worthwhile as well. The more you accept yourself just as you are, the more you accept others just as they are.”
Figure 12.1 Reversing the flow of low self-esteem
And clearly this has a direct impact upon our ability to utilize the power of people to achieve our goals.
“Men and women with low self-esteem can only get along with a few people, and then not for very long,” says Tracy. “Their low self-regard manifests itself in anger, impatience, criticism, badmouthing and arguments with the people around them.”
As someone with low self-esteem this strikes home with painful clarity. We assume people do not like us as we dislike ourselves. This leads us not to like others, making their return of the feeling inevitable. Once again we are in a self-fulfilling and destructive vortex with the dizzying addition that, according to Tracy, this is the single most important reason why so many people fail to meet their objectives.
In Boost Your Self-Esteem, John Caunt states that self-esteem issues present themselves in different ways, just about all of which are familiar to me. These include (with a few added thoughts of my own):
The persistence of such feelings – despite my strong growth thanks to the likes of Covey and Robbins et al – landed me back in the shrink’s chair a year or so after my NHS counselling, determined to rid myself of the plagues of paranoia, fear, anger and low self-esteem that have conspired to make my entire life seem like a string of wrecked personal encounters.
Such appalling and disabling traits are, of course, developed from negative experiences in childhood. I was aware of what caused my own self-esteem issues, although further sessions with the psychoanalyst surprised me with respect to how they manifested themselves in my relationships. As a child, I knew I had a poor relationship with my father but hadn’t realized I had subconsciously blamed my mother for this and therefore developed a resentment and irritation with the very person that had loved me the most. I also feared and resented the power of my sister – the apple of my father’s eye.
Even writing this is painful but there it is: fear of rejection from the people whose love I sought while rejecting those who loved me unconditionally. Meanwhile, with peers: distrust, frustration, envy, paranoia. I didn’t stand a chance of being able to develop strong social or people skills – I was far too busy throwing affection at those that didn’t deserve it while collecting and then rejecting the commitment of those that did. As for peers, how could I be a suitable colleague or partner when, through mistrust and jealousy, I misinterpreted their every move?
As stated, self-esteem issues can have a profound impact on our ability to make progress in the workplace. We may be stymied by our inner beliefs and perceptions, to the point where we develop coping mechanisms to avoid pain, such as rejecting ourselves before others are allowed to. Perhaps we don’t put ourselves forward for promotion – convincing ourselves it would be the wrong move. Or we adopt the persona of the office clown or the unthreatening (perhaps even withdrawn) “nice guy” that’s happier among the troops than the officers. And we avoid confrontation because we cannot trust either our internal or external responses.
At least, those are the better responses. We could become the brooding back-stabber, the angry shouter (that was me) or the scheming Machiavellian. All are the typical traits of those with low self-esteem. And all are a disaster.
So is there anything we can do? Of course. We can fight back, although we must remember the battle is internal. We have already spent our lives externalizing the battle with respect to dealing with people (even if just through withdrawal or submission). Now we must internalize it – turning the fire on the enemy within.
As I have stated before, there is no magic formula that can cure us, of either high fear of failure or low self-esteem. Our insecurities are not going to be wished (or self-hypnotized or acupunctured) away. Our default position is to undermine our self-belief and so encourage failure. Yet we can take small and progressive steps that help us develop better external responses, especially when it comes to dealing with people. We have been incorrectly wired to give a false reading on the intentions of others so that we interpret their actions wrongly and react inappropriately: defensiveness and anger at one end, shyness and withdrawal at the other – with us potentially flipping between these extremes.
Yet we must always remember that we are probably wrong. Did that person insult me, or dismiss me, or blank me? Maybe, but why assume so? If we assume it probably came out badly and they meant something more supportive or were distracted (as in the CBT example mentioned in Part One) then the result will almost certainly be better than if we assume the insult. This assumption may not be your first response, but can you make it your second? And can you make it your second response quickly – so quickly that you manage to externally suppress your first response? In time, hopefully, yes.
Like most people, I want to be judged on my intentions, not my actions, which may be misinterpreted for any number of reasons. So how can I deny this right to others? We must seek their intentions, not judge their actions.
If someone is brandishing a knife or gun in front of us it may be right to assume their intentions are aggressive. But there are thankfully few situations where this happens. And unlike guns or knives, words and body-language are open to wild misinterpretation. By assuming a better, kinder, interpretation – however hard this is to achieve – us are making it easier to respond appropriately.
In fact, the harder it is to perceive of a kinder interpretation the more it is in your advantage to seek and assume one. Let’s go back to the man brandishing the knife or gun. This is a pretty clear act of aggression, most would agree. Yet look behind the weapon at the man and he may perceive you as the aggressor. He may be protecting a child or be expecting an attack from someone else, or he may have snapped at the series of negative events that led him to this awful point. He may even be drug-addled and therefore not in control of his perceptions or responses. So, while we need to deal with the threat, looking behind it may also generate a more disarming response from us.
Seeing the best in people is incredibly difficult. Yet it is absolutely in your advantage to do so. If the gunman’s actions are hostile you are going to take the bullet no matter what. But if they are defensive then your hostility is going to escalate the situation to the point when he feels so threatened he’ll shoot in apparent self-defence.
Yet what if we are totally wrong and our harshest interpretation is correct?
So what? By forcing ourselves to assume a kinder interpretation of their intentions – we misheard, they didn’t realize what they were saying, they were very stressed, we have given them the wrong signals and made them defensive – we are neutralizing the impact their insult/slight will have on us. In fact, as with Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote – “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – we are saying it has no impact. This throws the insult back to them. They have thrown a bomb but it didn’t go off – how embarrassing!
This is absolutely on-the-money when it comes to my issues with anger. Countless times I have over-reacted to a perceived insult and the fallout from the insult has been about my response rather than their insult – all adding to my burning sense of injustice. But I have learnt that – painful is this may seem – assuming a kinder intention on their part is the only way of developing a better response from me.
And assuming a kinder intention (however forced it feels at first) has further benefits. It starts to undermine the other props of your low self-esteem. By developing positivity about something – anything – it can spread elsewhere, even to you. In Boost Your Self-Esteem John Caunt suggests we practise techniques that reframe the information we feed our brain, helping create more positive attitudes and opinions, which – over time and with positive and reinforcing steps – help build our self-esteem, or at least disrupt the thought process that leads to our default low self-esteem assumptions.
These include (again, with some thoughts of my own):
Of course, the above points are easily written. Turning our self-harming and deeply held assumptions into positives can feel like an impossible task, especially with that monkey offering negative feedback. Yet it is worth the effort and, in fact, can provide quick confirmation that we are heading in the right direction. Simply by reversing the direction we are travelling, we are immediately making headway towards our goals. And by noting that every small step leads to the next step – that every brick laid is the platform for the next brick – we can slowly, over time, get beyond the highest barrier of all: our own negative self-view.