13

DEALING WITH THE BOSS

Developing people skills is vital whether you are dealing with your boss, your peers and colleagues, your potential customers, or your employees. As someone with fear of failure trying to make progress in your career, however, the person most likely to loom largest is your boss.

There’s no getting away from it – working for a bad boss is hell. A bad boss can obsess, oppress and depress us – reducing a potentially enjoyable job to a confidence-sapping imprisonment. Many people alter course in their careers, often with disastrous results, simply to escape a bad boss. My decision to become an entre­preneur, for instance, was majorly influenced by some appalling experiences in this respect (made far worse, no doubt, by the distorting mirror of my own insecurities).

Yet if you are convinced a key barrier for your progress is your current line manager you are far from alone. According to one study – quoted in Dealing with the Boss from Hell (2005) by leadership consultant Shaun Belding – around 75 per cent of 1800 Australian workers surveyed stated they were unhappy with their managers, and US studies have produced similar findings.

And the reality, according to Belding, is that you have few remedies. Any direct confrontation is unlikely to produce positive results and could end up a “career limiting move” – jeopardizing rather than enhancing your progress.

“The hardest part of having a boss from hell is that very few resources are available to you for dealing with him or her,” says Belding, so “don’t shoot yourself in the foot” by publicly embarrassing, threatening or openly challenging your boss, he cautions.

Belding recommends that you wait before you act, you control your impulses and that you look beyond the immediate future towards the long-term consequences of your actions. Yet you can also develop some strong strategies and tactics aimed at not allowing a bad boss to derail your career.

Three Types of Bad Boss

Belding states that bad bosses usually fall into one of three types – aggressive, passive or controlling – all of which throw up significant problems for less confident people. Yet, believe it or not, all also provide opportunities for progress. The aggressive boss can seem the most immediately debilitating. However, in most modern companies bullying behaviour such as shouting or intimidation is now viewed as unacceptable. So – while such behaviour is upsetting and potentially terrifying – the aggressive boss is, in my view, laying the foundations of his or her own demise.

Aggressive bosses are usually weak – often High-FFs themselves – and are therefore reasonably easy to manage once you realize this. Their behaviour is also usually well known, meaning that your suffering has probably been noticed further up the organization, although they may choose not to act. Deal well with the aggressive boss, and you will have acquired some significant and transferable people skills that will put you in a strong position no matter what your future.

Passive bosses also present opportunities. According to Belding, such bosses are usually shy and avoid decisions, conflicts, risks and strong individuals. They may be frustrating and inspire only contempt but they are also less likely to present a major barrier to your progress. In fact, in my opinion they are worth befriending and aiding. If you support their seniority, rather than undermine it, you are likely to have recruited perhaps your most significant ally towards your own goal achievement. Again, their weakness is unlikely to have gone unnoticed by their own reports, meaning that your assistance and support will also be noticed, although, again, this may not be obvious.

The Pisstaker’s Charter

This brings me to the most difficult of all boss-related situations – dealing with someone trying to control or manipulate you, perhaps (in fact probably) leveraging off your insecurities in an attempt to steer the situation to their advantage. While aggressive or insulting bosses are often fellow High-FFs and therefore reasonably transparent in their goals, the manipulators have achievement motivation coursing through their veins and are far more difficult to read. They have also noticed your insecurities and are taking advantage.

I call this the Pisstaker’s Charter – the notion that confident people can so effectively take advantage of under-confident people that we end up doing their bidding for them – with them even feigning surprise and hurt when we finally snap and resist. In fact, their surprise can be genuine, so used are they to getting the better of us by manipulating our insecurities, and so poor have we been at projecting our own needs.

My own experience here is a painful one – in fact, probably the most painful of my working life. The details need to remain obscure but such was the manipulation I experienced from one line manager that I felt was taking advantage of my low confidence that I was forced to fight back. Certainly I felt I was being used in ways that compromised my position, first as a screen for his unethical behaviour and later as the person being blamed for its consequences.

Eventually, my career became so threatened by his actions that I had to report him. News came to me that the senior management were contemplating firing me with respect to my conduct (as reported by him) despite the fact it was, in my view, clearly his behaviour causing the problems. Given this, I felt I had no choice but to act. I spoke of my suspicions to the senior management and, within a few (agonizing) months, he was gone.

Developing Better Responses

My actions resulted in someone losing their job and I have lived with the guilt ever since. And if that sounds odd given the circumstances, I see it as a sign of my growth that I can now see that it was my poor handling of the episode that allowed it to escalate. And it was my insecurities that caused it to develop in the first place. The situation was my fault, not his.

Here’s what I could have done differently:

• I could have been less emotional. My overly emotional responses when the problems developed weakened my position – especially with the senior management – and lost me the respect of colleagues and allies. Of course, it is difficult for insecure people to simply switch off their emotions – especially when we feel an injustice is being perpetrated – but it is possible. Taking time to rationalize the situation, perhaps by writing notes (in the obvious place), would have been one way. Another would have been through knowing all the facts.
• I could have been on top of the details. Indeed, the key issues came down to facts and figures, so there was no need for my overly emotional responses when a forensic look at the details would have provided the answers. I should have been like Lieutenant Columbo after a murder, sifting through the evidence line by line. I could have calmly kept on asking questions, and – if blocked – I could have suggested a third party gets involved, perhaps one of the senior managers. In truth I had a very poor handle on the details, and it was this as much as my insecurities that gave him room for manoeuvre. In fact, some of the more minor problems were my fault, which gave me an inner sense of guilt and him all the space he needed to make hay. In any manipulative situation, the facts are sacred: get to the bottom of them (even if some of them highlight painful truths). And we also need to operate at the most professional level possible.
• I could have levelled with him. Actually, I tried this but received a dead-eyed denial, forcing me to back off. But that’s because he was emotionally stronger than me. If I’d said it straight: “if this doesn’t stop I’ll report you” I may have got through. Sure, this may have wrecked our relationship and further endangered me, but the relationship was dead the moment his behaviour threatened my career. Fear, of course (and ignorance of the details), stopped me – so I went behind his back, which was a painful and bloody process that damaged my reputation.
• Or I could have developed a kinder view. This is the ultimate strategy, although one impossible to achieve when fighting High-FF neural hijackings at every turn. Kindness? To such manipulative swine? Absolutely. Our aim should not be to become like them. Not only is this impossible – we are High-FFs with our default responses hardwired into us – it is also undesirable. Their behaviour towards others is not to be emulated. Instead, we must seek an alternative route through understanding and kindness.

One excellent book dealing with this conundrum is Richard Carlson’s rather homely Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (1988). Spending most of its pages addressing people problems, the book divides into seemingly unconnected 300-word (or so) tips for dealing with both big themes and small irritations. Yet the beauty of the book is that these sometimes twee recommendations build into a totally new approach – taking on some of life’s greatest barriers.

Perhaps the most important of Carlson’s tips for dealing with people is to “develop your compassion.” Just as we did with the gunman in the previous chapter, we must put ourselves in their shoes in order to formulate our best response. Even our manipulative boss will face pressures perhaps forcing him or her to behave in a particular way.

In my own case, my rival had found himself in an excruciating personal situation that was clearly having an impact on his behaviour. Even at the time I could see the agonies he faced but showed no empathy because, in my view, he was behaving badly towards me. I felt he was making me pay the price for his circumstances, which led me to condemn him as morally selfish – itself a ridiculous notion (since when was I so pure I could affect moral outrage?).

Understand Their Weaknesses

If you recognize the difficulties others face, you can immediately develop sympathy for them, which – if you are freer than them of such pressures – liberates your responses. You have also garnered your most important piece of intelligence about this person: their weakness. Sun Tze would be proud, although he would also implore you to act in your long-term interest, which may not involve an instant full-frontal attack.

But what if you are convinced your tormentor has no pressures – that he or she leads a gilded existence? Then you simply haven’t looked hard enough, largely because your RAS has been incorrectly tuned. Obsessed by their impact on you, you haven’t noticed the manipulator as a person – trying to achieve his or her goals and relieve his or her agonies.

Once you spot these you are immediately looking them in the eye as an equal. In fact, you are more than equals as your behaviour is somewhat better than theirs. You understand them and have compassion for their situation. They think they understand you but are forced to behave poorly due to the pressures upon them.

Another relevant Carlson homily states that we should “see the innocence” in the actions of others. People are people, and “other people do weird things,” is Carlson’s view. Yet if we are the ones becoming upset by it, we are the ones that need to change or at least “look beyond it.”

Of course, there is a danger in this – that we develop the “you’re the insecure one” mentality of the motivational converts. This would be a disaster in my opinion. It is unsustainable and easily defeated because it isn’t true. We are the insecure ones. We are simply trying to develop better responses when our insecurities are triggered.

Developing Win–Win Situations

And once we have true empathy with our tormentors they are no longer our tormentors. At this point we can fight back and win. And if this sounds contradictory, given the empathy we have developed, then that’s because we mostly view winning as a zero-sum game. We are taught “I win, you lose” situations from an early age. Certainly, that’s how our manipulator would view it. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can seek a win–win.

Developing win–win solutions is one of Stephen Covey’s seven habits. Not only are they preferable, they are the only sustainable way for a recovering High-FF to make progress. We are not good at win–lose battles so we should avoid them – instead fighting battles that create advantages for everyone involved.

So by understanding our manipulator we have created a relationship of equals. We can now offer help before it is asked, seek ways for them to achieve their victories, align ourselves with their goals. And then ask the same of them. They’ll have little choice but to accept – not least because, deep down, they will also view themselves as good people.

And if this sounds naïve, that our tormentors will simply view our generosity as a weakness and gobble up the advantage – using it as a chance to manipulate us further – then so be it. We will be in a better place mentally than if we nurse grievances and battle back, either openly or through passive aggressive obstruction. Remember, you have your long-term goals in place and are executing an effective strategy for achieving them. So this is no more than a temporary roadblock, however large it feels. Treat it as one of Tracy’s frogs and it’ll straighten out your thinking, as well as create the right imagery for putting the issue into perspective.

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Case Study 13 – The Bullying Boss

I’d known Graeme for many years and been told the story of his first boss on several occasions, although I had only recently heard the facts that were to change his perspective on the situation.

Graeme had worked at a weekly magazine for an editor well known for a manner that would, these days, be considered bullying. And when Graeme ventured a disagreement with his boss in an editorial meeting, his career began to slide. At first, the editor’s response had been no more than sarcasm in the office – mild public humiliation delivered as a not-so-funny joke. But, over time, the editor’s aggression hardened into public insults, often about Graeme’s Scottish roots, or speech foibles, or – most upsetting for Graeme – his work (which had previously been viewed positively).

Soon, Graeme was taking the blame for any mishap the team experienced and it became clear that the editor’s unkindness had a darker purpose – to get Graeme out.

“One morning I was taken to a meeting room and sacked,” said Graeme. “I’d done nothing wrong – my work was some of the best on the magazine. And I felt it all went back to this one disagreement with the editor, which I’d thought was no more than an open discussion about ideas.”

Graeme’s confidence was hugely affected – killing much of the creativity that had got him noticed and driven his career. And he struggled to find alternative employment.

“I guess my confidence had always been fragile,” he said. “But I now felt like a complete loser.”

Yet there was more to the story than meets the eye. The editor’s actions were being dictated by pressure from above. The publishers were threatening to close the title, and in fact did so within months of Graeme’s sacking. In an effort to save the magazine the editor had been forced to reduce the headcount, but had no experience how to go about choosing which person to fire from his team – all of whom he considered excellent.

And his clumsiness – cruelty even – was further explained by a fact Graeme only uncovered when bumping into a former colleague years later. The editor’s father had been diagnosed with cancer during this hellish period, an event that had changed his behaviour towards everyone.

“I was told that he started being horrible to all the team,” said Graeme. “I guess he just couldn’t cope with the shock – as well as the stress of the failing magazine – and he just hit out.”

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What’s Stopping You? 

Bad bosses are usually aggressive, passive or controlling. All are problematic but all can provide opportunities for you to develop strong people skills. Dealing with a manipulative boss is incredibly difficult, but one way is to “develop your compassion” – they too will face pressures that are dictating their behaviour and you will be in a better place mentally if you can empathize.

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