15

NETWORKING AND INTERVIEWS

No matter how hard you try, at some point you may have to accept that you are in the wrong organization. At the foot of the wrong ladder. What then? As stated, doing the wrong job in the right building is a good start – but how do we get even that far?

A crucial requirement for anyone seeking to make progress both within and beyond their own organization will be to develop a good network of contacts. Networking is one of those aspects of work life that tend to make non-ambitious or anti-business people cringe. Yet far from hating networking, many disparagers actually fear it.

This is probably based on their success or otherwise when dealing with their peers in the playground – the place where the concept of networks and hierarchies among peers first arises. Certainly, I had playground exclusion issues: I just wasn’t big or tough enough to make the top gang. These feelings were compounded at university, where I wasn’t cool enough, and compounded as a young graduate in the media industry, where I didn’t seem to be posh enough. But while all these groups and hierarchies are true, they are nearly all based on childish or youthful notions of elitism that are unsophisticated at best and, in the workplace, completely inappropriate if not rather pathetic.

Forget Playground Experiences

As grown-ups we should simply forget all those past experiences. Networking in the work environment may look and feel like the playground but it’s actually the opposite. We are dealing with an entirely different group of people incentivized in an entirely different way. Plug into what makes people tick in this setting, and we should be away.

While being tough in the playground or cool at university is a vital element for success in those environments, because they are based on exclusivity, in the workplace – meanwhile – being plugged into the machine is the key need. Everybody needs to know everybody, and those ambitious High-AMs are equally aware of this. Therefore, the very people that may have intimidated us at school and university for their skills at topping hierarchies, are now the ones that need to learn a new skill: collaboration.

Being aloof in an organization – at least when you’re a junior – makes no sense at all. And very few High-FFs are aloof or arrogant (although plenty are shy, which can be mistaken as such). This means we already have half the skills we need when in any networking situation, we are approachable – at least when we’re not frowning with anger or fear. The other need, of course, is for the confidence to approach others. And it is here where we need help.

Generating Rapport

In Network Your Way to Success (2002), marketing director John Timperley offers a development plan for connecting us with our peers and, most importantly, creating rapport from those connections.

“Put simply,” says Timperley, “if you have the ability to generate rapport with others, you’ll be happy and successful; if you don’t, you won’t. Without rapport in your networking you’ll just be going through the motions.”

Rapport building sounds like the sort of skill lacked by those with fear of failure while innately found within those with high achievement motivation – meaning that High-FFs shy away from most networking opportunities or just stand back and watch while the High-AMs rapport away. But there’s no need. This is not the playground. The very fact we are in the building or at this particular event means, in some way or other, we are a cog in the machine. And most people worth talking to want to know how the machine works and who the cogs are – giving you the chance to introduce yourself by explaining who you are and what role you play.

Of course, some may not be interested in how the machine works and blank or even belittle you. But that’s just them declaring themselves out of the game. Most are embittered High-FFs not wanting to change: seeing everyone else as a threat and hating the very machine that feeds them, or being over-protective of their own tiny enclave. You just need to move on and thank heavens you have avoided such a fate or stay and try and engage anyway – avoiding becoming the preaching motivational convert, of course.

Networking Potential

Networking opportunities are many and varied and we should be constantly alive to their potential in any situation. In an office this includes our immediate desk environment, as well as on the introductory tour around our department. It can also include real or manufactured reasons for visiting other departments, loo and water-cooler breaks (and door huddles if we smoke), meeting room events, or requirements to visit the management suite. All can deliver results – remembering Carlson’s plea to “make friends with receptionists” as well as other support staff. A surprising number of support staff have the ear of seniors and most are gatekeepers of one sort or another.

And for both employees, as well as those freelancing or working alone, researching and attending networking events is an important requirement. At work, lobbying to attend such events shows commitment, enthusiasm and a willingness to learn. Indeed, for everyone, such events link us into our sector more effectively than just about any other route.

Timperley has some strong tips for developing good rapport with others at such an event, and elsewhere. You should (with added thoughts of my own):

• Smile – however forced, it is better than a frown in making you approachable. You should practise your smile in front of the mirror, making sure it lights up your face to the point where it looks like you mean it.
• Put them in the spotlight – be interested in who you meet. Who cares whether you have got your vital points across? In fact, by listening you have – you have informed them you are interested in them, which is crucial for good networking. In What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School, Mark McCormack writes that the ability to listen, and to “really hear what someone is saying” has greater business implications than simply “gaining insight” into people. He cites Pepsi wrestling the Burger King account from Coke only once they started properly listening to the client.
• Mirroring – broadly mirror the person’s body language, although not to the point of freaking them out. You don’t need the NLPer’s intensity in this but, by adopting the same general posture, speed of speech, arm placement – that sort of thing – you can build unconscious rapport. Certainly, body language is vital when you first meet new people. According to Mark McCormack people are constantly revealing themselves through conscious (e.g. dress) or unconscious (e.g. body language) signals. But this is a two-way street, meaning you should both observe and signal.
• Dress to impress – forget attempts at individualism and adopt “group norms” says Timperley. And in the world of work this means dress. While different sectors have different uniforms, most office work involves the standard office attire (either suits or smart casual). And for men that also means being clean-shaven, avoiding wacky piercings, tattoos, jewellery or hair products. Female uniforms are more subtle but are still worth noting and observing. The way female executives dress, for instance, is usually very different to that of PAs and receptionists. And the clothes you wear to work should look like they are meant for work – not for impressing potential conquests in a nightclub. Of course, creative industries have trendier uniforms – perhaps including piercings, tattoos and facial hair. But, even here, understating your appearance – at least until you are established – is better than an outrageous affectation that, if you shoot wide, could undermine rather than build your confidence.
• Seek to understand and seek to empathize – no matter what they are saying and how far it may diverge from your own perspective, you are not there to argue but to win people over. As Richard Carlson says, no matter what their view, you should agree with them – “just for fun.”
• Use names – Timperley cites Dale Carnegie’s line that a person’s name is the “sweetest sound anyone ever hears,” so you should make efforts to remember people’s names. One trick I was taught in sales training was to repeat back someone’s name immediately you are introduced. “Hi I’m Daphne,” she says. “Hello Daphne, how are you?” we say back. Of course, you may have to say Daphne a few times for it to lodge and you shouldn’t use it so often it unnerves them.
• Make contacts feel special – this works across the board when dealing with people. As High-FFs we are so inwardly focused – so often wrapped up in our own feelings of insecurity – that we forget that the most effective thing we can do in any people situation is to make the other person feel like the valued one. Pay subtle compliments – it’s the best sales tool known to man.
• Introduce yourself well – practise a good intro. For instance, if you say something like: “Hi – I’m the boring one you won’t want to talk to” you’ll quickly prove yourself right. Don’t lie, of course, but focus on the positive, or make a joke. “Hi – I’ve just started in waste management – boy is that sector in need of a clean up!” OK, maybe not that one.
• Be warm – Tipperley states that your opening line can be virtually anything as long as it is delivered warmly and puts people at their ease.
• Shake hands – in most situations it is polite to offer a handshake, but take note of the norms in the room. Avoid the “mwah, mwah” kissing unless it is de rigueur in your industry, and even then don’t over assume – it is often intended as a greeting for insiders. And those handshakes – every book I read insists on a firm handshake, so I will do the opposite and warn against the bone-crusher. A gentle squeeze is fine – too firm and you can come across as a rookie salesman.
• Use space effectively – this is a difficult one for me as I suffer a bit from cocktail party syndrome, which means that noisy situations make hearing difficult. I try to stand back but lean in, which – of course – has the added benefit of projecting attentiveness. Otherwise, Tipperley offers the insight that standing next to someone facing the same way but with aligned body-language can be both informal and “sharing” and is better than the more adversarial face-to-face.
• Reveal yourself – all that listening means you should offer something of yourself, or they may feel interrogated. Be open, you have nothing to hide. I have also found the line “I’m new and keen to build up my network of contacts in the industry” a disarming gambit that often has people keen to prove they are a worthy contact.

Networking Don’ts

And there are some clear “don’ts” when it comes to both networking and office behaviour generally, of which number one is “don’t mix sex and networking.” Being overly flirty changes the dynamic of a conversation, alienates everyone else in the group, is unprofessional and destroys reputations faster than any other trait bar theft or violence. Even if it appears to be initially successful, by using the prospect of sex as a means of advancement you are announcing that you have no other skills worth considering and should be judged as such.

Success by this route means being disliked and disrespected by your colleagues at all levels, which will ultimately place limits on your prospects. Let the cocky High-AMs trip up on this one. We High-FFs should watch, learn and avoid.

For other “don’ts” we should turn to Dale Carnegie’s famous tome How to Win Friends and Influence People, originally published in the 1930s.

“Criticisms are like homing pigeons, they always return home,” writes Carnegie.

Being nice about people was his first and most important principle. And it is especially true when networking. I have made some terrible gaffes from trying to be interesting and funny, and sound like an insider, by repeating some gossip or criticism I heard about an industry name – or even just repeating an unflattering nickname – only for it to get back to them and for two contacts and my reputation to be damaged.

Bitching is a High-FF trait based on our own insecurities. It is also one we should actively suppress.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain,” says Carnegie, “and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

Carnegie also implores us to avoid arguments, show respect, see the other’s point of view, begin in a friendly way (even if angry) and to try and get a “yes” at the beginning of a conversation – any yes.

Yet all this networking needs to have some impact, doesn’t it? Well no. As long as we are on the right ladder knowing other industry insiders is a dividend in itself. Contacts are like ripples in a lake, each fanning out to hit every shore at some point. Sales, jobs, partnerships, staff, publicity – all may come to you from some distant shore at some distant date, thanks to the ripples started from one conversation.

Should Any Openings Come Up … 

But contacts are pebbles thrown in the lake, not rocks. You should therefore temper your expectations. If you want them to offer you a job you may need to throw rocks – i.e. directly state your intentions to those you want to work for (although never do this at a networking event).

Your rocks, however, should be well targeted. You should actively research the organization you want to work for, source the right person and focus your attention on that person, although, again, you should temper your expectations – just offering a polite note that, while your current employment is fruitful, your ultimate aim is to join the leading/most innovative/largest or whatever organization in the sector and, should any openings come up in the foreseeable future … 

Avoid desperation, over-baking the cake, pompous jargon or sycophancy. This is simply one professional communicating to another about their preferred intentions. And avoid being seen as a runaway. As an employer I now ask every person I interview whether they are simply running away from their current job. Like philanderers, and some murderers, runaways tend to encourage the prefix “serial.”

Dealing with Interviews

Yet again this process involves another major hurdle for those with a high fear of failure: interviews. And interviews. To become a banker I had to endure three informal meetings, four formal interviews, a dinner, two lunches, two major drinking sessions and a weekend offsite in the Home Counties (and that’s not counting the speech at the annual offsite, delivered in both New York and London). And despite my High-FF propensity for exaggeration I’m afraid this is not only true, it is no more than the norm for most key senior appointments in an age where recruitment mistakes can be crippling.

In Great Answers to Tough Interview Questions (2001), Martin John Yate (author of the Knock ‘em Dead … series of books) states that your aim in interviews should be to offer concrete proof of your suitability based on experience and skills. Even college volunteering or internships can be presented to support the requirements of the post although “an untruth or exaggeration could cost you a job.” Certainly, references to thin experience are better than saying you are enthusiastic or a quick learner, both of which are meaningless.

Avoiding Self-Sabotage

Unfortunately, job interviews are the very occasions High-FFs can reveal one of their most harmful traits – self-sabotage. Nervous and fearful, we can find ourselves not only revealing our weaknesses but readily volunteering them – even going out of our way to state them. Certainly, this is an area that has generated some of my most cringe-worthy moments, as well as some of the monkey’s greatest victories.

• Volunteering weakness. One interview with the well-known editor of a national newspaper involves me telling him I knew nothing about finance and wouldn’t want to work on that section! This was the very area I was later to focus on, but not for this editor – who thought me an idiot for volunteering my weaknesses. He left me to his deputy, who showed me the door soon after.
• Disagreeing. Another opening on a national newspaper. So proudly had I adopted my university city of Manchester that I’d ventured a criticism that the paper had ignored a large but ultimately pointless protest march about some long-forgotten cause. He responded defensively but, rather than spot this and retreat, I kept going until he firmly stated “I’m sure we considered it” – his irritation now obvious.

Yet self-sabotage can begin even before the actual interview.

• The undermining CV. One interviewer pointed out that I’d listed “politics” under my interests. “As long as you don’t bring it to work,” he said. Yet I was doing a degree in politics (this was for a holiday job), so why did I feel the need to state this potentially undermining “interest” on my CV? He worried I’d bore him senseless with extremist diatribes, and he was probably right. But why couldn’t he have found this out three months in and with my more positive attributes outweighing my negatives?
• Acting the slob. Early for one pre-university interview, I thought I had time for a cigarette outside. With no matches I asked the professional-looking gentleman walking by. Even in the 1980s he looked an unlikely smoker, and seemed taken aback by the request. Yet he did look like my likely interviewer, which – of course – he was. He was distinctly unimpressed, and I learnt a painful lesson regarding reigning in the oikish behaviour long before the interviewer’s door.

Indeed, interviews can be major barriers for High-FFs, although once we know the rules of the game such barriers are easily surmountable. For instance, Yate warns that many interview questions are a trap, including (again with added interpretation):

• What are your least favourite office chores? The interviewer is trying to calculate your maturity – rebuff it with positive statements about acquiring valuable skills “even from routine tasks.”
• How did you choose your university? The interviewer is trying to establish whether you are a stay-at-homer or have some drive.
• How was your tuition funded? Mention any part time jobs to avoid looking like a “trustafarian” (a UK term for someone with a private income).
• What were the highs and lows of the last job? The interviewer is trying to spot the runaways. Be positive about the last job but say this opportunity fits even better and is the next step.
• Why are you earning so little? This is perhaps the only enquiry that can be politely thrown back. At my age, experience is more important than money, you can say, but what should I be earning (although money and benefits chats should wait for the offer)?

In the interview, Yate warns against “constant head bobbing syndrome” – offering the head tilt and occasional slow nod as an alternative, and he is not keen on grinning or hand usage that may give covert signals. These include pen tapping (impatience), hands clasped behind head (smugness), collar tugging (lying) and hands in pockets with thumbs out (aggression). Eye contact is good but don’t stare. Mirroring is good but don’t freak them out. Taking notes is good (and helps prevent overdoing both the eye contact and mirroring) but don’t write verbatim.

In sales training I was taught that the aim of the call was not to get a sale. It was to get the next call. The aim of the second call? To get a meeting. The aim of the meeting? To get a second meeting. The aim of the second meeting? To get the sale by the third meeting. Remember that you are simply trying to get to the next stage – don’t rush the process but be grateful if you avoid three informal meetings, four formal interviews, a dinner … 

---

Case Study 15 – Bamboozled by One-To-Ones

“It’s the one-to-ones that get me,” said Frank.

He’d attended one of my fear of failure evenings and approached me at the end. Now 50 (my guess), he said he’d had a good career – working in the compliance department of a major financial institution. He was well plugged into his sector, he said – going to conferences on regulation and money laundering and even occasionally chairing a panel discussion.

“I have no problem in front of an audience,” he said. “I can focus on what I’m saying – especially when talking about what I know.”

“But put me in front of one person and I become flustered and paranoid and that can even lead to anger,” he said.

Most frustratingly for Frank, this had destroyed his ability to progress in his career due to what he saw as poor behaviour when being interviewed.

“I just assume they think I’m an idiot,” he said. “I get defensive – annoyed even. I can’t bear the idea of being judged. It makes me clam up or – worse – say something stupid.”

Frank felt this one problem – his inability to get over feelings of defensiveness when facing another person – had dogged his entire life. He felt like a small animal, he said, fearing attack the entire time.

And this went way beyond job interviews. He assumed shop assistants, mechanics and other tradespeople thought him a fool. He’d look for signs they were mocking him and become convinced they had nothing but contempt for his needs – perhaps not thinking his custom important. He expected to be ripped off or even openly belittled, with even greengrocers and newsagents generating neural hijackings by asking the most perfunctory of questions.

I asked if he’d ever considered counselling. He’d been, he said, but it had been poor quality in his view.

“He was obsessed by the fact my father was violently abusive when I was a child,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“Do you think there’s a connection?” I asked.

“Probably,” he said after a pause and with a wistful smile that failed to hide the emotion now welling up inside him.

“It’s the one-to-ones that get me,” he repeated after another brief silence, before excusing himself for the bathroom.

I was talking to someone else when he came out, but I caught him just before he left.

“I’m no psychotherapist,” I said, “but my guess is you need to find a therapist you trust and respect – perhaps female – and try again.”

---

 

---

What’s Stopping You? 

Strong networking is essential in any career and is achievable once you understand the dynamics. You are not there to prove yourself but to win people over – so don’t expect any immediate dividend. In interviews, even thin experiences are better than meaningless promises.

---