There is quiet and there is quiet. There is quiet that only seems to be deep until a greater silence descends. Out in the corridor I’d thought the Lindauer Building was quiet. Now it really was. At least, that is, in the intervals between each of the beats of my heart.
‘Sit down, Billy.’
I nodded. I let my arms fan out slowly, taking my hands away from my body.
‘OK,’ I said.
‘Leave the phone on the desk and sit down there, on the chair. Don’t come any closer than that.’
‘All right.’
‘Then listen to me.’
‘OK. Of course. But, Mike, where have you been?’
Mike’s index finger moved up and down on the stippled black grip beneath it. The gun was a Beretta, 9mm. Point and pull.
‘Around. Getting this. Making sure I could use it. Both were easier than I thought. I’ve been moving around, thinking. And today I’ve also been in the police station, on Calshot Street.’
‘I see.’
‘Where they told me that a baby’s been found. A dead white baby. The DNA test will take a few days but it has to be mine, they said, because the father of the other missing child was black. Then they told me what’s been going on. Why…’ Mike couldn’t stop himself glancing over my shoulder in the direction of the cafe. ‘Why Ally died. They didn’t want to but they did, eventually. It was supposed to reassure me, I think, give me confidence that because they knew who it was now, they’d catch her. And I’d get justice. But I didn’t feel reassured. I didn’t feel anything but stunned. Like, all the time you’ve been here, next to us, this could have happened. We’ve been living next to a time bomb but we never knew it. We never had a chance to get away from you.’
‘Mike…’
‘I know what you’re going to say.’ Mike’s finger moved from the butt of the gun to the trigger guard. ‘That it wasn’t your fault. You know what? I know that, really. It was her fault, that girl, she did it, not you. I didn’t originally buy this for you, you know?’
His finger had curled inside the guard now and was resting on the trigger. The gun, still lying on the desk top, was pointing at my stomach.
‘I bought it for her. Or him, as I thought she was. I never thought I’d find him. I thought the police would, or you. But somehow I’d get to him. In court, while he was being led out perhaps. Then I’d kill him. I wouldn’t care what happened to me. But now…’
Mike winced as though an ulcer had just flared up. He didn’t speak for a second but he kept his eyes fixed on mine. They looked burnt out, empty as a village after the soldiers have left. I’d forgotten him. I’d been swept along so fast I’d left him behind.
‘Now I can’t help it but I just want to point this at you, Billy. And pull the trigger. You, because I can. And I may never get to point it at her. Last time I saw you I loathed you, but you thinking it was me, that was nothing. I realized that. But then to find out that not only were you stupid enough to think that but it was really you. I feel this way because of something you did, years ago. I can’t help wanting to hurt you. I know it doesn’t make sense but then neither would jumping in front of a tube train or driving off Beachy Head, two other things I’ve nearly done in the last week. You started this and yet nothing is lost to you. Just to me, and those other people. And then the pictures come, you know? Of that night. And I’d crack my own head to get them out but I can’t and I get so I just want to do something, to really do something. I’m sorry, Billy.’
‘Mike. Listen to me. Just listen. Then you can do what you want. But not now.’
I lifted my hands very slowly so that Mike wouldn’t think I was going to try and jump him. I pushed my palms down, towards him, as though the air was something heavy that I wanted to move. I tried to feel what he was feeling, take it on board, make it part of the equation I was trying to solve. What I really wanted to do was push it aside and deal with it later. But I couldn’t. Mike sat up, tensing.
‘I know where she lives,’ I said quickly. ‘The girl, Cherie. I know where she lives. I just found out and I went there to confirm it. I’m going back. I’m either going to break in and wait for her, or else I’m going to get a call to say she’s at home. If that comes I’m going to go there. Either way, I’m going to kill her. If I don’t go, tonight, she’ll end up getting arrested. Then she’ll get off in court. I know she will. Can you imagine that? So I have to go there. I have to. Give me the gun. Afterwards I’ll come back here. I promise. I’ll give it back to you and you can do whatever. I won’t stop you. I understand what you feel, Mike. It was my fault. I was wrong to do what I did, give a vulnerable girl back to her father. But if you let me, I’m going to finish it. Stop any more deaths. I promise. Those pictures you have? I’m going to deal with the person who created them. You think I’m to blame – well I am, but I didn’t do that. It was her, Mike, Cherie, Carolyn Oliver.’
‘She won’t get off. I’ll kill her before then.’
‘You want to shoot her?’ I shook my head. ‘You’d never get a chance, you’d never get anywhere near her without going past twenty officers and three metal detectors first. The best you can hope is that she’ll live in prison where you can’t find her. Or else out there in the world, laughing at you. At me. At everyone. Give me the gun. This is our chance. Your chance. Your only chance.’
Mike’s face still carried no expression that I could read. If my words were having any effect, I couldn’t see it. When I’d last seen Mike, on Exmouth Market, he’d looked different, changed for ever from the person he was. Now he looked different again. The horror, the knowledge, they were still there, but they weren’t raging through him now. They were focused, channelling all of his energy into his hand, his right hand, holding the Beretta, resting it on top of his left palm.
‘How do I know that you’re not just making this up? That you won’t just leave, you won’t just set that copper onto me.’
‘Because you know me,’ I said, looking directly into his eyes, trying to get through. ‘Just as I should have known that you didn’t kill Ally, you should know I’m not lying to you. And if you can’t believe me it doesn’t matter. All we have to do is wait. All…’
My phone suddenly gave a little hop from the desktop and began to buzz. Mike started and my stomach nearly came out of my mouth. He’d nudged the gun to the side but he reached for it again, holding it steady. I let out a breath and I glanced at the luminous display on my phone. I recognized the number. I’d been given it less than an hour before.
‘That’s it,’ I said. ‘That’s the woman. Either pull that trigger or give me the gun.’
‘Answer it. I want to hear what she says. Whether you’re telling the truth.’
I didn’t move. ‘I’m going to let it go to message. Then she’ll think I’m busy, that I won’t be going round tonight. I don’t want her to know I’m coming. You can listen to the message she leaves. Come on, Mike, decide. Ask yourself what Ally would have wanted you to do.’
Mike took his eyes off me for a second and looked down at the phone. It was turning round and round on the polished wood surface.