Uncle Tim and Aunt Lily set off for New Orleans early Monday morning before Esther took Michael to school. Sunday had been a blur. Joseph had hardly spoken to her. Abby was pre-occupied. And Esther needed to get home as soon as the service was done to help her uncle and aunt pack. She was somewhat relieved when they left. She needed time alone to think and sort herself out.
Too many feelings were swirling inside of her, and if she were self-consumed she could not help others in their struggles. As a mother and midwife, that was what she needed to do—think of others, right? Why was it so hard this morning? Why did she keep doing her hair over and over, change her dress three or four times? Why was she looking at her figure in the mirror?
“Mom what is for breakfast?” Michael shouted from the kitchen.
“Goodness, Esther, take hold of yourself,” she scolded herself before rushing to the kitchen. This was exactly why she could not have a man in her life. Romance made a woman less of a mother. Esther rolled her eyes: That was not true and she knew it. She need not make up truths in order to justify her choices.
“How about some toast and eggs, Michael?”
Michael nodded. “Joseph told me last night that one time he ate crickets. Can you believe it—crickets?” Michael scrunched up his face in disgusted delight. “What do you think they taste like?”
Esther raised an eyebrow at him. “If you are thinking about eating some crickets, may I advise you to dip them in chocolate first.”
Michael laughed. “Mmm, maybe for Christmas.”
“You want chocolate crickets instead of gingerbread cookies and hot chocolate?”
“No!” Michael shook his head, “Let’s do cookies.”
“Excellent choice,” Esther winked, whipping up a plate of eggs and toast.
Michael’s face suddenly grew serious. “Momma, do you think come Christmas Joseph will be with us?”
Esther sucked in a breath. “What do you mean, Michael?”
“I mean would you have married him by then, and will he live here or will we be in Texas? He said he’d buy me a pony in Texas,” Michael told her hopefully.
Esther sighed and sat down at the table. “You never know Michael.” No, it will never happen. “You never know.”
/
Abby had already stopped two arguments of who would be the Indian and who would be the Pilgrim in between measuring the girls’ heads to make some simple headdresses for them. Will had come early with an awkward smile and hello. Luckily they had a project to distract them, so soon they fell into their easy laughter and conversation.
“I don’t think you can slaughter an actual turkey in the school house,” Will told her during lunchtime.
Abby teased, “If you don’t have the stomach for it, then you are welcome to turn your head at the time.”
“What? I’ve slaughtered more turkeys than you’ve eaten,” he defended himself. “I am just saying that there would be a lot of feathers and blood to clean up. Not to mention you may terrify some of the kids.”
“Yes, but think of how dramatic it would be,” she laughed with a playful shove. “Oh, and I stayed up late making invitations to give to the parents when they pick up their children. They are rather charming, if I say so myself.”
Will looked at her, his eyes softening. “I am sure they are more than charming.”
Abby smiled, biting her tongue to keep from talking. She wanted to talk; oh, she wanted to talk so badly. She wanted to ask what he felt about her. Why was he sending mixed messages? Why did he say he loved her and then on Sunday ignore her? Did he really love her? Why had he not kissed her again? Had he not enjoyed it?
Abby said none of these things. She did not want to scare Will away. She needed to talk to Esther; Esther knew everything. She would know why Will was behaving oddly.
“So Pastor Will, I did want to point out that yesterday when you were talking about Ephesians chapter five and the verse twenty-four where it says: “Let the wives be to their own husbands in everything—”
“Yes?” Will asked eagerly. Perhaps Abby would tell him she was ready to be his wife. That would make things so much easier for him.
Abby giggled. “Well, what you said was: “Wives be on their husbands on everything.”
Will turned so red that Abby had to laugh out loud. “Did I really say that? Is that why everyone kept chuckling?”
“Yes,” Abby hiccuped with laughter. “The whole time men kept making eyes at their wives, and then after they were all saying, “Now remember what the pastor said, my love. You got to be on me on everything.” I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a lot of babies nine months from now.”
Will burst into laughter. “It was probably one of my better sermons then?”
“Oh, most definitely,” Abby agreed, wiping her eyes before picking up her bell. “Well on that note, shall we continue our endeavor?” she asked, beginning to ring the bell.
Will smiled. He would continue with her in whatever she wanted.
/
“Mary, you need to move, walk, stand, anything. This baby needs to be born soon. It is not healthy for you or your child to be pregnant this long.”
“But it hurts to move, and besides, I can’t have Toby seeing me like this. He don’t notice as much when I am covered and laying down,” Mary argued stubbornly.
Esther hung her head, thinking of what to say. She had compassion for Mary, well, was trying to have compassion at least, but right now she wanted to strangle the idle woman. “Mary, listen to me. If you don’t move, your labor will be long and strenuous and the baby could die.”
“I don’t care!” Mary shouted, hitting the bed. “I never wanted a baby. I never wanted to ruin my figure. Toby don’t want a baby either.”
Esther bit her lip. She could not take this woman anymore. Picking up her basket, she began to walk out.
“Wait!” Mary called out, “Ain’t you gonna wash me and put that rose water on my skin. I like to smell nice for Toby.”
Esther stopped at the door. Joseph had filled up the buckets without her asking. Washing would do Mary a little good, but Esther was not sure if she wanted good for Mary at this point. The woman was incapable of thinking past Toby and her own comfort. The higher self of Esther told her to not judge and that washing Mary might relax her, get blood moving, and help the baby come. So gritting her teeth, Esther opened the door, carried in a bucket, and began to wash Mary.
/
Joseph had heard Mary and Esther speaking when he had finished placing the buckets outside the door. Esther had grit, compassion, and strength molded into the fine woman that she was. Yes, he had found her ravishing the other night with her curls and red dress, but even now with her simple hair and dress caring for a woman who didn’t deserve it, working with patience and kindness, she was intoxicating. It made him furious. He was beginning to lose patience. Not with her, but with the whole situation. He loved her, showed it, had done all he could, and still she seemed skittish. Yesterday at church he had been normal with Michael. He loved that kid, but had tried to avoid Esther, afraid that he might spontaneously propose or be too blunt in his affections. He had pushed the limit at the dance and now had to wait, and Joseph did not like to wait. He thought of his mother often scolding him to be patient. What would she tell him? What advice would she give? To pray? That was her answer to everything: pray.
Joseph’s thoughts were suspended as Esther walked out carrying the empty buckets. He rushed over to help her.
“Thank you,” she said, her voice strained.
“Everything alright?” Joseph asked, knowing full well it was not.
Esther shook her head, getting into the wagon quickly without his help. She was eager to leave this place. “The baby needs to come out now. It is overdue—much overdue—and I don’t know how well Mary has eaten. She may not be supplying the proper nutrition for that baby.”
Joseph gave a small snap to the reigns and Lancelot began his slow trot. “Is there anything I can do to help?” Joseph asked. Like marry you? Give you a new life and a husband who adores you?
Esther smiled and shook her head. “No, you already do plenty.”
Joseph didn’t reply, instead he reached over and took Esther’s hand, wrapping his fingers around her palm. At first Esther’s hand stiffened and then slowly, she, too, clasped his hand, but only for a few moments before she gently pulled it away.
/
Michael was bouncing like a Mexican jumping bean. “A picnic! A picnic! We’re going on a picnic!” he sang in a funny tune.
Esther laughed and looked out the window as she packed a basket full of rolls, jam, cold beef, chicken salad, apples, and pie. It had rained straight for the past few days. Today, although cloudy with a slight breeze, the sky looked like it would be giving Tall Pine a break. Joseph had offered to come by and fetch them, but he was closer to the stream that Michael wanted to fish, so Esther had insisted that they go to him. Esther had offered that Abby could come, but she was going to town to meet up with Eliza and Will.
“Michael, make sure you wear a warm coat and your boots,” Esther reminded him. She had already packed an extra coat, and shoes, and trousers because no doubt Michael would find a way of getting wet and dirty.
“Do you think Joseph is excited about our picnic?” Michael asked.
“How could he not be?” Esther grinned at him. “He gets to spend time with the most amazing boy ever.”
“Should I wear my hat?”
Esther chuckled. Michael would wear the hat anyway, but it warmed her heart that he wanted her approval. “Oh, I would definitely wear the hat. You look so handsome in it.”
Pleased, Michael bounded off leaving Esther to finish the basket. She was in a good mood for really no reason at all. She’d woken up with a sense of peace, a tranquility that everything was going to work out fine. Maybe Joseph would be done with his infatuation or whatever it was and would leave without a broken heart. Maybe Esther would finally have insight to her own feelings and be able to communicate them. Whatever happened, she was determined to have a good day with her son and Joseph.
/
Michael knocked loudly on the door, clicking his little cowboy boots with excitement.
The door opened after four knocks. “Well, who is this handsome guy, huh?” Joseph grinned. Michael hugged Joseph’s strong legs, making Joseph grin wider. “You ready for some fishing today?”
“Yes I am, and we brought food—lots of food!”
Joseph looked up at Esther with a wink. “Lots of food? Well, then it will definitely be a good time.” He put on his hat, shut the door, and walked over to the wagon. “The stream isn’t far, walking distance, but let’s go ahead and take the wagon since we have stuff to carry. I imagine Lancelot will enjoy some time in the woods.”
Esther nodded and scooted over to make room for her son and Joseph’s large frame. Joseph took the basket and peaked inside.
He whistled. “Mmm, let me tell you how excited I was for this. Abby’s cooking is getting better, but it isn’t yet up to Miss Esther’s cooking.”
“Oh, she’ll get there. You should have seen my cooking when I started living on my own. Granted, it was only me I cooked for—Michael was still nursing—but still it was pretty bad.”
Joseph told himself to laugh and he did, but his thoughts were focused on what Esther had said about it being just her and Michael. There had been no man around? No husband, possibly? Had Esther become pregnant out of wedlock? For some reason he had assumed she’d been married, and her husband had died. He frowned. Not that he judged her, but for Esther to become involved with a man out of wedlock meant that she must have wanted him so badly that she suspended all her values. The thought disturbed him. He was quiet the rest of the way.
“You two go find a good fishing spot while I set up the picnic, all right?” Esther told Michael and Joseph. They agreed and began hiking up the stream to look for an even better spot than the one they had last time.
“We won’t be gone long. Just scouting,” Joseph called back.
“Yeah, just scouting,” Michael mimicked, taking Joseph’s hand.
The two of them hiked for about five minutes when Joseph couldn’t hold his promise any longer. “Michael, do you remember your father?”
Michael shook his head. “No. Mom says he is no father. He just got her pregnant with me. You see, he did something bad to her and God sent me to make it better.” Michael smiled like a child remembering a good part of a book.
“What did he do bad to her?” Joseph asked, wondering how much Michael knew.
“Well, when my mom’s dad came to visit me, he said I did not have a good father, and that my father was a bad man, but mom had to tell him that the bad man was not really a father,” Michael grinned again.
Joseph smiled patiently thinking it odd that Michael did not use the term “grandpa.” “Did your mom’s father say what this bad man did to your mom?”
Michael nodded. “He said that he…he,” Michael furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember the word, “he racked her… no rapped her, no…”
Joseph grew still, and his heart skipped a beat. He knew what word Michael was trying to say. “Raped?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I asked mom what that was and she said it meant he hurt her very bad and then she got pregnant, but like I said, I was sent to make things better.”
Joseph nodded. He wanted to hurt, no kill, the man who had dared to do such a thing to Esther. Every instinct he had screamed at him to take action. Who was this man? Was he dead? Alive? What had happened? No wonder Esther flinched at his touch, or was hesitant with him, and avoided all men. In his line of work, Joseph had met more than his share of rape victims. Some became very loose in their ways, feeling so worthless that they let themselves be handed out. Others became conservative and cloistered. But none that he had met had a child.
Joseph then realized that Esther’s father had told this to Michael, sweet, innocent Michael. What was he thinking? More fury filled Joseph.
“Joseph?” Michael asked, tugging on his hand.
Joseph shook his head. “Sorry Michael, I got distracted.” He looked around, “Well, this spot looks good. We’ll check it out after our picnic. Why don’t we go back and eat?”
Michael nodded and the two started back with Joseph taking deep breaths to calm himself.
Joseph tried to act normal, but it was hard. Every time he looked at Esther, saw her grace, her gentle smile, he wanted to kill the monster who had done such a thing to her. His usually large appetite was hindered by his rage. Esther must have noticed he was out of sorts because after a while she suggested that Michael go look for frogs in the stream.
“Don’t run off though, sweetheart. Stay where I can keep an eye on you, alright?”
“Alright,” Michael chirped, happy that he had permission to look for frogs.
Esther watched him walk off for a moment. “He used to stuff frogs in his pocket as presents for me,” she laughed with soft eyes.
Joseph smiled grimly. Esther had raised him alone with no man in their lives besides an uncle who was very busy with his own life.
“Joseph, what is wrong?” She glanced at Michael, her voice tense. “Did my son say something to you?”
Joseph glanced at her and saw the worry in her eyes. “He told me that you were raped and that your father told him,” Joseph said bluntly.
Esther’s face paled and her shoulders sagged. She looked away and seemed to be holding her breath. “I knew he would tell you eventually. Bribing him with books and treats was probably getting old.” She tried to smile but failed.
“What happened, Esther?” Joseph asked, cautiously reminding himself that talking about this would be like approaching a badger caught in a trap.
“Well, what Michael told you: I was raped.”
“Esther,” he said his voice low, “it might be good for you to talk about it. Do I need to take care of the man who did it?”
This time Esther did smile. She shook her head. “No, I don’t even know where he is,” she sighed and straightened her back, assuming her capable pose, but Joseph did not miss the shaking hands that clenched her dress. “I suppose you will not let this matter go, so I’ll tell you.” She cleared her throat and looked down briefly as if gathering courage and then calmly looked him in the eye.
“His name was or is James Clement. He was a law student and very, very wealthy. The kind of wealth that makes one believe they should have anything and anyone they want. James was the talk of the city, handsome, intelligent, and rich. He could have any woman, but he wanted me. Everyone told me what a catch he was and what a fine husband he would make. My father and mother were thrilled beyond measure.” Esther bit her lip glancing away for only a second to steady her voice. “But he repulsed me. Every time he smiled or touched me my skin would crawl. I never trusted him. One night, his family had a fancy dinner party at their mansion. I did not want to go, but my parents insisted. They were furious that I would not accept James and hoped that the more I saw him the more I would be inclined to change my mind. After the dinner, dancing commenced and James came and told me that one of the servants had been struck down sick. The doctor was coming, but would I mind attending her in the mean time? Being naïve, I agreed and followed him to his room, far enough away where no one could hear me scream. He shut the door, made an—” she grimaced, her hands gripping her dress tighter till the knuckles were white, “offer, and when I refused, he forced himself. I fought, of course, but he was a big man who’d had too much to drink at dinner.”
Joseph’s jaw was clenched so tightly he thought his teeth might shatter from the pressure. He would have given anything to be there to save her.
“Did you tell your parents?” Joseph asked through clenched teeth.
Esther actually laughed. “Oh, yes. I did. They were so, well, uncomfortable with facing James Clement and his family that they refused to believe me. When I showed them the bruises and threatened to make it public, my father went to James Clement.” She smiled wryly. “James told him it was consensual, and that our passion got out of hand on both sides. My father returned angry at me for trying to blame James, but also thrilled because James had told him that he would marry me anyway, even though I had let my morals slip,” Esther said sarcastically. “Even though I was now tainted, James would still marry me. Then, I discovered I was pregnant, and I fled. I wrote to my parents letting them know I was safe. They implored me to come home until I wrote I was with child. After that they sent some money, and that was all. My uncle managed to get a hold of me and offered me a job as a midwife. I hadn’t finished nursing school, but he said he would train me. So I moved out here to Tall Pine.”
Joseph nodded, encouraging her to go on.
“It changed the course of my life,” Esther continued. “It changed how I thought and how I felt. The whole time I was pregnant, I cried every day for hours at a time. I hated God, hated my life, but when I had Michael things got better. It is amazing how loving someone so much can heal you. Still, there was more than a little bitterness and fear. It was not until I turned to God, that bitterness turned to gratitude, and fear turned to strength.” She looked down, twirling the lace on her sleeves. “Some things, however, go too deep. The fear of a man’s control or his touch surfaces memories that I have long since buried.” She swallowed. “It would not be fair to marry a man to whom I could not be a good wife.”
Joseph reached out and took her hand, “Even a man you love?”
Esther blinked, a small crease marking her forehead. Was Joseph asking if she loved him? Even after what she had just told him about her scars running as deep and long as the Grand Canyon? Who would want to deal with that?
Michael was now running back yelling at Joseph that he saw a fish jump.
“That’s my cue to go fishing.” Joseph released Esther’s hand and stood up. “Listen Esther, you have every right to distrust men, to worry about intimacy, emotionally and physically, but as a Ranger I have seen horrible things happen to people, and one thing I know for sure is that everyone eventually heals—if they allow themselves to.” He gave her a gentle smile before picking up the fishing rods and walking over to Michael.
Esther’s heart was in cartwheels. That was the first time, besides to her aunt and Eliza, that she had told anyone about her experience. Telling Joseph had been hard. It was like lancing a large boil; it hurt but once the infection had been cleaned away, there was a relief—a feeling of cleansing and clarity. Joseph had asked if she loved him. Did she? Despite all that had happened, did she love Joseph?
Esther looked ahead, her son, her precious and treasured son was laughing as he always did with Joseph. The muscular Texas Ranger was gently guiding Michael with loving hands teaching him how to properly cast the fishing line. Joseph had seen her and loved her from the beginning. He had not been faint at heart, but rather he had persisted even with all her mixed messages and often-cold demeanor. He was kind, handsome, strong, and good-hearted.
Esther gasped. She loved him! With her full heart, she loved Joseph. Heat rose to her skin, washing away the chill. Hot chocolate seemed to coarse through her veins. So this was what it felt like—pure warmth and joy. Joseph looked back at her and Esther’s skin broke into a million goose bumps. She wanted this man, wanted him badly.
A chill wind kissed Esther’s face. She felt cleansed, but now her heart ached with each beat. She would have to let Joseph go. She loved him too much, and although Joseph said all wounds healed, she would not bind him to a lifetime of celibacy waiting for those wounds to heal. Yes, he would have to go. Was that not the plan from the beginning? No, the plan had been to not fall in love with him, to keep her distance, to protect her son’s feelings, her feelings, and Joseph’s feelings. She had failed at protecting all three.
Michael would be devastated, his dreams of the perfect father, the father that Esther herself had described and was physically manifested in Joseph, all of that would be lost and gone for good. She who had worked so hard to get on her feet and had bloodied her knees with prayers would have to move on one more time. Joseph? Surely Joseph with his looks, good nature, and charm would find another woman.
The thought made Esther uncomfortable. She did not want him with another woman, although she knew that was selfish. Still, the mere thought made her cringe. “Be strong Esther,” she told herself quietly. She knew she had issues, but she knew God loved and cherished her and that she did her best to be a good woman. She was a good enough woman for Joseph, but she could not be a good wife, not in the way a man like him would want.
Esther was silent when Joseph and Michael returned with only three fish. He did not push her to speak. Joseph imagined it had been hard enough to describe her past, and he himself was still rigid with anger. Luckily, Michael’s presence soothed him. God bless that kid. He indeed was a miracle and so lucky to have the mother he did.
/
Eliza couldn’t focus. After Abby had left her shop and the two had discussed songs during her lunch break, Eliza had an odd feeling, a restlessness as if her instinct or intuition were telling her something, but she could not make it out. She accidentally ignored customers, knocked down dresses, and kept looking at the time, feeling that she was late for something.
“Dear Lord,” she half prayed, half talked to herself, “what in daylight’s name is wrong with me?
It was not until Will burst through the door shouting her name that her mind cleared.
“Eliza—Eliza where is Abby?”
Will’s face was white with worry and he was breathing rapidly.
“She left some time ago, Will. She had her brother’s big stallion so she should be home by now. Why, what’s wrong?”
Will shook his head. “Joseph. We need Joseph. I need to check on Abby.” He began to go, talking to himself. Eliza ran after him trying to grab his sleeve to halt him. She didn’t need to, because before reaching him, Will spun around just about knocking her over.
He didn’t apologize, just grabbed her shoulders. “I need you to go fetch Esther and take her to Mary Higgins.”
Mary? The pregnant woman who did not deserve her child? “Will, what is going on? Tell me this instant.” Eliza steadied herself and spoke sternly.
“Toby has killed two men. Shot them in the chest. Sheriff Ben went by his home and Mary is in labor wailing about her Toby.”
“Where is Toby?” Eliza asked, already reaching for her shawl.
“He fled. We are sending out a search party before he gets too far. We need Joseph’s help, and I need to make sure Abby got home safely.” He turned running out the door. “Go get Esther!” he shouted.
Eliza’s heart was pounding. Something greater than herself told her that Mary’s baby was in trouble and it needed her. But she had no carriage. It was still broken and it was too far to walk to get to Esther in time. Kyle? No Kyle was coming home today from Denver, but she had recently stopped by his bakery, and he was still gone.
Eliza’s breath quickened. She’d have to ride. She hated riding a horse—those big beasts spooked to easily. In fact, she could not ride. There had to be another way. Besides, her horse was only used to pulling her little cart.
A sharp and clear image of a wet, crying newborn filled Eliza’s mind. A strong sense of familiarity to this unborn child overwhelmed her. She had to help. Tossing aside all fears, Eliza rushed out of the shop.