‘It’s an honour to be performing at the Royal Variety performance – I’m preparing for a very churny belly on the day.’
By December 2010, Sarah was ready to enjoy a welcome break from her exhausting Chatterbox tour. She’d hardly been home since July, and thoroughly deserved some much-needed down time, as well as a long overdue catch up with her friends and family.
But before she could put her feet up, Sarah first had to head to London for a night – because she had just received the best early Christmas gift ever: an invite to perform at The Royal Variety Performance. A gala evening held annually in Britain, the show consists of family entertainment including comedy, singing, dancing, magic and a whole host of other acts. Organised on behalf of the Entertainment Artistes Benevolent Fund, various senior members of the royal family put on their gladrags to attend, and the show is always televised and shown to millions of viewers.
First held in 1912, the variety show is now a British institution, which many see as a Christmas tradition, seeing as it is always held in late November or early December. Sarah felt honoured to be invited to perform, especially when she learned Prince Charles would be in the audience at London’s swish Palladium Theatre. Along with his wife Camilla, he would also undoubtedly be in fine spirits – as his son Prince William had just proposed to his long-term girlfriend, Kate Middleton.
The show would be an incredible evening to be part of, and has had a rich and interesting history of performances. When The Beatles performed there in 1963, John Lennon made a statement that has since passed into legend. ‘For our last number I’d like to ask your help,’ he said. ‘Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewellery…’
Controversially, Stephen K Amos told the 2007 audience that he’d like a show on TV, but that the BBC’s diversity policy meant Lenny Henry would have to die first. Ouch. And HRH herself only knows what The Queen made of Lady Gaga’s 2009 performance… The eccentric pop starlet wore a full-length red latex dress, with a 20ft train, while suspended 30ft in the air – alongside her piano.
So, along with a place in the history books, royal approval beckoned… Sarah was incredibly excited and so were her family, who she immediately rang and invited to the night. ‘To be able to bring those who have supported my daft career for years to the Palladium, feels like a career milestone,’ she told local newspaper The Press and Journal. ‘I’m preparing for a very churny belly on the day. Four of my family are making the trip down and my mam is buying a new outfit “to meet the Queen in”. I’m not sure if she’s realised it’s not the Queen and even if it was, she doesn’t shake the hands of the whole audience.’
But as much as her mum was looking forward to the possibility of touching royalty, Sarah seemed more excited about meeting her music heroes – heartthrobs Take That, who would also be performing on the night. ‘I’m a massive fan and actually squealed when I heard they were on,’ she told the paper.
Even though she had been performing to thousands over the previous few months, nerves suddenly began to get the better of her. ‘The performance is nerve-racking. As soon as it’s over, I’ll then get nervous about the meet and greet. Then I’ll get nervous about the after-show party. Then I’ll get nervous about missing the train the next day,’ she gabbled.
Sarah wasn’t the only performer excited about the glittering night, which would also be marking its centenary year. Michael McIntyre, who was set to host the event, was also overjoyed. He joked: ‘It’s a dream come true to be introducing the likes of Take That, Cheryl Cole and Prince Charles’s own personal booking, NDubz.’
And Jack Whitehall was looking forward to the event because it meant he could finally make up for a missed opportunity in his teens. ‘Prince Charles came to my school once when I was 16, but there wasn’t time to tell him any jokes,’ he said. ‘Now I have the opportunity to. Maybe it’s fate.’
Fellow comic Micky Flanagan wasn’t worried about the extravaganza, saying he had a foolproof back-up plan if his act bombed on stage. ‘If things don’t work out at the comedy, I might have a word with Charles to see if I can get the contract for doing the windows at the palace,’ he said, cheerfully.
For tenor Russell Watson, performing at the show was especially poignant – because he had battled a brain tumour in the nine years since his last Variety Performance. ‘As an entertainer there are few greater moments than a performance on the Royal Variety,’ he said. ‘After my health problems of the last few years it’s an even more significant career moment for me.’
Singer Rumer was also on the bill – she would be taking to the stage with jazz star Jamie Cullum. And Kylie Minogue, Susan Boyle and Kinks singer Ray Davies were also scheduled to appear. Acrobatic act Spelbound also had high hopes for the night. The Britain’s Got Talent winners had competed against thousands of other acts to earn their place on the stage, and said it was the greatest honour they’d ever had.
But the night proved to be a controversial one before it even began. As Sarah mingled backstage with the other acts, Prince Charles and Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla were making their way to the Palladium Hall. Halfway there, disaster struck. A mob had gathered in London, to protest at a recent hike in university fees, and the royal couple’s car soon found itself at the centre of a terrifying attack. While they were trapped inside, the angry gathering began throwing things at the car, and managed to smash a window before it could move on safely.
It was a frightening start to the evening, and no one would have blamed them if they’d gone right home and had a stiff brandy. But they showed great fortitude when they finally arrived, smiling, to take their seats in the royal box. It was up to the performers to entertain the poor couple and make the night memorable in a more positive way. They certainly succeeded.
While real royalty was in the audience, it was the duty of pop royalty to open and close the event. Kylie kicked off the night with her song Better than Today, and Sarah’s personal favourites, Take That, were on top form as they closed the night with their latest hit, The Flood, surrounded by close to a hundred semi-naked male dancers.
‘Heaven knows what the Queen would have made of it had she been in attendance,’ wrote The Stage, which claimed the night was one of the strongest in recent history.
‘Each year the artists in the line-up are carefully chosen for their ability to be entertaining, yet inoffensive,’ wrote The Mirror. So Sarah would have to pick her material for the night very carefully – and tone down her prolific swearing and dirty talk.
Finally it was time for Sarah’s royal debut. ‘It’s the comedian everyone’s chatting about,’ came the announcement. ‘It’s Sarah Millican!’ She wore a broad grin and a pretty black dress as she walked confidently onto the stage. ‘Well hello,’ she began, before quipping: ‘Ooh, somebody’s just wooed. That’s quite terrifying. My mum must be in…’
Sarah wasted no time in garnering some laughs from the audience, as she launched right into a gag about her father. She knew it would be a safe choice. After all, it was a joke about Philip that had got her first ever laugh. ‘I drove here today and I’ve only been driving for three years,’ she began, ‘And when I passed me test, me dad’s quite a practical man, and he said: “There’s three things you always have to have in the boot of your car – you need a blanket, you need a shovel and you need a flask…” And he’s right, because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m always parched.’
It immediately became clear that although Sarah was minding her ‘swearies’, she certainly had no plans to sugar coat her black comedy – and she had absolutely no need to, because the laughs came instantly.
Sarah continued… ‘I live on my own. I do like living on my own but I always wonder if I’m on my own and somebody breaks in – what do I do? What do I hit them with? You’ve got to think of these things… I talked to a couple of my friends and I asked the first one and she said: “I don’t really know.” And I said: “Well what would you normally have to hand?” She replied: “Empty bottles?”’
After another round of laughter, Sarah really got into the swing of things. ‘I told her: “I don’t think you’d really notice if somebody broke in.” – “I don’t care who you are”,’ she pretended to slur, “shut the door on your way out, I can feel a bloody draft!”’
‘But I asked my other friend: “What would you hit someone with?” She said: “I’ve got a rounders bat down the side of my bed, for protection.”’ Sarah paused while she put on a look of surprise, before saying, ‘But she’s been told by a policeman that that’s not allowed, because it’s classified as an offensive weapon. The only way she’s allowed a rounders bat down the side of her bed is if it’s accompanied by something it would normally accompany – so now she’s got a rounders bat, and a rounders ball as well. And I’m the same, because I’ve got a massive knife and a massive fork – so if someone breaks in with a big lump of steak, I’m champion!’
The hall reverberated with clapping and laughter, and though Sarah wouldn’t have seen it from far below on stage, Charles and Camilla were chuckling away too. Maybe Sarah’s gag about protecting yourself against violent intruders had seemed appropriate after all the couple had been through that night…
Sarah went on for another 10 minutes before she finished with a sweetly funny story she had been saving for a while. As the audience listened, entranced, she told them about the time she had been missing Gary in Australia, and he’d misunderstood her when she said he was too far away. ‘He moved the webcam, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I meant geographically…’
After thanking the audience for their cheers of appreciation, Sarah bowed and waved. Then she left the stage, pleased that it had gone so well. She had made royalty laugh, and now she was off to mingle with the best of the British entertainment industry: a group to which, by royal seal of approval, she now officially belonged.
When the show was screened on BBC One soon after, Sarah got to see the royal reaction to her performance. And the viewing figures reflected the quality of the talent on the night, with an amazing 9.6 million viewers tuning in to watch the extravaganza. A whole new audience had been introduced to Sarah Millican.